The Vanillification of America

A few months ago I heard a neo-con radio broadcaster announce that he was not going to visit another country until he had been to every state in the U.S. It was a proud assertion on his part, and I’m sure it made him feel uber-American, but looking at the changing landscape of this country, the lameass’ statement seems absurd at best.

Tonight we hit a very mediocre Mexican restaurant chain for dinner. Normally we would go somewhere better, but we had a coupon, and much like fasting on Yom Kippur, if Jews have a coupon, they feel intensely obligated to use it. We thought we’d be able to walk into this average, ‘found in the parking lot near the mall,’ eatery and get in right away, instead there was a 30 minute wait, and a line from here to Tuesday.

All I could think was how sad this scene was. We were there to save money, because the previous night we had been out on a date and hit a posh place in Downtown Seattle that was a bit pricy. I didn’t feel too bad about trying the chain, because after all, I was the one not doing the cooking. Basically, I could justify the presence of my family, but what about the droves of other people waiting to eat extremely mild salsa, and average fajitas.

This trend of settling for average seems to have swept our culture like a bad combover. In just about every city from huge to tiny, you can find an Applebees, a Gap, and a zillion other look-alike chains that continue to make the façade of the American landscape the same. Earlier this year I visited a Podunk town in Tennessee, and found it very refreshing simply because I was able to eat at an unusual place that happened to sell deep-fried frog legs served by chain smoking waitresses.

Not all chains are bad. I like local chains like the Dick’s Drive-Ins and Kid Valley burger joints in Seattle, the In-And-Out burger joints in California, and the Moxie Java coffee houses in Idaho. I used to think it was kind of quaint that McDonalds was everywhere, but I never thought that by the time I was 30 every major store and restaurant would be like McDonalds. I’m now wondering why people are willing to accept this mediocre standard.

Jeff and I frequent locally owned businesses as much as possible for a few reasons; when it comes to food, they do it better. If I walk into a Chinese restaurant, especially in the Seattle area, and I don’t see one Asian person working or eating there, that’s like having a big, flashing neon sign that says, “Shitty Chinese right here!” The same goes for Mexican food. Tonight our waitress said her name was Juanita, but I grew up with a lot of Hispanic chicks and this was hands down the whitest looking and sounding Juanita I’ve ever met. Come to think about it, all of the waitresses had Hispanic names, yet they all sounded like they were from The Valley. I’m not accusing this chain of some sort of weird fraud, but it may be something the Seattle Weekly or The Stranger might think about looking into.

Some of the other reasons Jeff and I like local places is, because they give you a better deal. If they do raise their prices, you don’t feel so bad about paying for the increase, because your taxes just went up, too. The owners actually get to know your name, and what you like, and that’s rare. I hate having someone cut my hair who doesn’t remember me. I like calling to make my bi-monthly nail appointment and having the shop owner recognize my voice the moment I say “Hi, do you have anything available at 10:30 tomorrow morning?” I like driving around looking at something other than TGI Fridays, Wal-Mart, and Tony Roma’s; I don’t care how famous for ribs they are.

Corporations try to point out the positive side of this divide and conquer mentality claiming that it brings jobs to formerly quaint and individual towns, but those jobs are usually shitty, minimum wage, dead end jobs with no benefits. 50 people are now employed instead of 15, but no one in the big organization really gives a fuck about those 50 people no matter what the training videos say, and if those 50 people were to fall on hard times and couldn’t make it to work, they would be replaced by another 50 people.

I’m just wondering how we ended up thinking that trading our identity for a Target or Starbucks was a good idea, and how far it will go. Perhaps this is how far it will go, because there are like-minded people out there who are sick of looking at the same shit in each town. They appreciate knowing a proprietor by name, and giving their hard-earned money to someone local even if it means paying just a little more. Plus, it seems that the large corporations out there have bought out every competitor, so there’s no one left to kill.

Next time I’ve had a tough day, I don’t care if the coupon says “two entrees for one”, I’m going to skip the lure of the boring-ass chain, because I’d rather make my family eat tuna melts for the fifth night in a row then sell a little piece of my soul to Corporate America. They already own enough of my ass; they don’t need my appetite as well.