Warning Labels

Since I was a young teenager I’ve made it a hobby of reading warning labels; first, because I have no life, and second, because I was once told that in order for a warning label to exist, someone actually had to do the very task for which the label warns against. When you consider that someone had to actually look at that little package of silicon beads you get in a plastic or vinyl product and think; Wow! They included a tasty snack, the “Do Not Eat” warning becomes pretty funny.

On the back of the can of spray-on whipped cream is a website called www.inhalant.org. This site has pictures of kids and warns parents about the dangers of inhalant abuse. I know huffing glue is bad, and I’m sure I’ll have to talk to Rachael about it someday when she comes home and tells me about the burnout kid in the back of the classroom who is always playing with his glue. Thankfully, inhalant.org will send parents an entire inhalant prevention kit, and gives them the warning signs of inhalant abuse. Given that the website is offered on the back of spray-on whipped cream cans, I would think a major sign of inhalant abuse would be finding a shit load of empty whipped cream cans hidden under the bunkbed.

On the back of the box of Vaginal Contraceptive Film it clearly states that it’s “For Vaginal Use Only,” which could possibly mean that at some point someone tried to eat it, stick it up their ass, or some guy tried to cover his penis with the sticky film paper mache-style. Again, this is pretty funny if you think about it.

The other things you are not supposed eat include inkjet cartridges for the printer (if you have trouble getting it off your hands imagine trying to clean your teeth), dental floss (the new spaghetti perhaps), Vaseline (less fattening than olive oil), crayons (unless you’re my crazy dog), and chapstick (I’m good on that one unless I get locked in my trunk for a week and I’m desperate). You might be able to eat a jar of Clinique’s Turnaround cream, because there isn’t a warning label against it. I guess they figure that their products are so pure that if you want an expensive topping on your cracker, go for shit, because the 20-something girl in the white lab coat at the mall will sell you as many jars as you want.

The warning label on candles tells consumers that the product will get hot, as does the warning label printed on the Starbucks coffee cup. I would put these labels in a special category called “duh,” if there wasn’t a reason for them to be there in the first place. I guess not everyone knows that a wax candle, when mixed with fire, can rise to a temperature causing it to melt. As for the coffee, it’s just a crying shame that had that woman not sued McDonalds for fulfilling her order and giving her hot coffee, Starbucks would be free to print an interesting factoid instead of the lame warning label.

One of my favorite warnings as of late is on some of the categories of personal ads on Craigslist. They are the ads that warn of “explicitly sexual content.” The webmasters are careful though, much like boarding an aircraft, they require you to answer three questions before you can see a variety of naughty bits. First, they want to know if you are at least 18, and even if you aren’t, can you lie about it for just one click. Second, they want to make sure that you understand that the next screen might contain explicitly sexual content. Why do you think I’m there in the first place! Finally, they want to make sure you are not bothered by explicitly sexual content. If I was, would I be there? And away you go, looking at a plethora of local weirdoes showing their schlongs for your amusement, and it's okay, because you’ve been thoroughly warned.

There is the good ol’ “Explicit Lyrics” warning on music, which was the music industry’s greatest new way to market music. When you were a kid you knew that buying the music with the “Explicit Lyrics” warning label was just like staring at a label that read “Buy this music, and your parents will hate it and all of the kids at school will think you’re bad ass.” What an amazing promotions tool! After that warning label became popular, I suspect that bands actually started swearing on a more frequent basis and talking about sex graphically just to get their music labeled.

I don’t think I’ll ever give up reading these warning labels, because it’s fun and interesting. Plus, imagine how that call to customer service must have gone down the day the genius with the tube of Preparation-H used it for more than topical cream.