Simple Solutions to Seemingly Difficult Problems

Recently, I dedicated one essay to asking “why, why, why” and was advised to instead do something positive and offer a “how, how, how”. After much thought and consideration, I have managed to solve a lot of the world’s difficult problems in just a few hours. Unfortunately, I don’t hold a powerful position where anyone will listen to me, but nonetheless I will vocalize my solutions and maybe those who can do something will listen, doubtful, but hell, why not.

Israel vs. Hezbollah – This issue has been a thorn in the ass of the United Nations for about a month now, with everyone getting all in a huff about what to do. We are all railing one way or another, but does it really affect you? I mean, when you try to look busy at work, battle traffic to get home, eat dinner, have family time, search the internet for joke emails, and attempt to get to bed at a reasonable hour, how does this issue play into your daily life? The truth is that it doesn’t. No matter what those bastard economists say, it won’t affect the price of oil, and it’s not going to be the beginning of World War III, so the simple solution is to let the two groups battle it out. If the U.N. wants to send troops in, let them. Maybe after a while of trying to deal with crazy bastards with bombs and bloodlust, they won’t be so harsh on Israel.

Is Castro Dead Yet? – Fidel Castro isn’t in the best of shape. Sure, the government of Cuba is quick to tell the world that he’s recovering beautifully, and he will be at the helm of the dictatorship again soon, but the reality is that he is one old guy with a wailing nicotine habit, so his days are very numbered. When he went into the hospital, George W., Condi Rice, and a bunch of other neocons were quick to get on television and call on the people of Cuba to rise up and fight their government to create a democracy. Ironic isn’t it! Once Castro is dead, which will probably be sooner than later, the Cuban people will do what they want to do, with or without, the American aristocracy dictating one way or the other. My only hope is that I can someday travel to Havana without having to go through Canada first, because the extra airfare leg is a killer.

Airport Security – Just when you thought you didn’t have to do a strip search in order to get on a 45 minute flight from Seattle to Idaho comes the threat of liquid explosives. Can we drop the whole bullshit political correctness and actually begin searching people who are most likely going to be the ones blowing up airplanes? Nearly every hijacking or terrorist attack against an airplane since the early 1980s has been committed by a male of Middle Eastern decent between the ages of 22-35 years old. Not that the white guy with the last name of Smith who graduated from Harvard won’t attempt to take a 747 for a joyride, but until that happens, the TSA needs to stop searching 85 year-old Congressional Medal of Honor winners, and focus on the people who should be searched. Reality is one unfair bitch, but beating around the bush helps no one.

Suri Cruise – That crazy S.O.B. Tom Cruise and his young, starlet girlfriend, Katie, had a kid and all of the tabloid media has been kvetching that they haven’t seen her. Geez, the paparazzi is usually so polite and caring; I don’t know why any set of parents would want to shelter their kid from the love and attention of the public eye. First of all, these two are serious Scientologists, so there may be something in their religion that says that they can’t expose their kids to photographs for fear it will rob their souls, or something weird like that. Second, Tommy’s net worth hovers somewhere around $600 million, so if he’s not too keen on giving would be kidnappers a perfect headshot, then as a parent, I can’t blame him. If the entertainment media really wants to see the kid their best bet would be to drop the issue completely, because if there’s one thing that celebrities hate more than too much attention, it’s not enough attention.

A Real Issue – While you are focusing on the crap in the Middle East, an aging dictator’s health, having to ditch your hairspray at the airport, and celebrity spawn, you are not concentrating on something big that deserves attention. Oil companies reported record high earnings in their second quarter. In just a short, three month time span, Exxon Mobile made over $10 billion, British Petroleum cleared over $9 billion, and Dutch Shell had to eek it out with just over $6 billion. Did I mention this was in just 90 measly days! The solution is to buy gas from CITGO. They are the Venezuelan oil company, and despite all of the negative press that Hugo Chavez has received in the U.S., they are a company that uses their profits to re-invest in their own people. Chavez wouldn’t play ball with the Bush family, so the spin doctors are attempting to portray him as a dictator who is anti-U.S., even though the neocons tried to sponsor a coup to get him forced out of office to control the oil. Iraq anyone? Buying gas from CITGO will give the oil conglomerates less power, that’s all there is to it, and will force our government to begin seriously thinking about alternative fuels and energy independence.

Better yet, once Castro kicks, we could help Cuba rebuild their economy by having them manufacture sugar cane that can be turned into the ethanol the rest of the world can use for fuel foregoing the oil issue completely. Think about the benefits, buy 10 sugar ethanol tanks of gas, and receive a box of Cuban cigars without the fear of getting busted by the Department of Alcohol, Tobacco & Firearms. This would be one heck of a win-win!

Hopefully, these answers will be heard by someone who will actually give a rat’s ass, but if they aren’t then at least I was able to make a positive contribution to the public dialog, as well as identify simple solutions to seemingly difficult problems.