Why, Why, Why!

Maybe I’m missing something. Maybe I’m just not hip anymore. Maybe I was abducted by aliens, plunged into a weird time warp whereby in everyday life it would seem I was gone for five minutes, but in alien time it was possibly 20 years. Let’s say I was dropped back into the world, and while I was gone everyone went nuts and no longer gave a rat’s ass about things like war, poverty, scientific discovery, and feeding their minds with knowledge and instead put Lindsay Lohan’s personal life at the top of their mental agenda.

Now I’m back in this Bizzaro, celebrity worshipping world where Paris is queen, stories about Madonna’s need for a new toilet seat at each concert hall she performs in take precedence over headlines discussing laws that were passed to make taking a teenager across state borders for an abortion a felony, and Sir Paul McCartney’s looming divorce will be the big story for Fall. My head is swirling with questions, and most of them start with the word “why”.

Speaking of Lindsay Lohan, why is she so popular? I don’t get it! She is average looking at best, way too skinny, has mediocre acting skills, and I hate to say it, but her remake of Herbie the Lovebug was a huge stinker. Is the world just waiting for the suicidal coke binge, or the rehab stint that turns her into a goodwill ambassador? All I know is that I’m sick of seeing her face everywhere and I hope she goes away soon. From what I can tell she is on minute 13 and by early 2007, maybe her 15 will be up.

Why is a remake of Miami Vice hyped as the hottest movie of the summer? I watched the TV show back in the 80s, and it was fun when I was in the 7th grade and didn’t recognize the fact that Don Johnson’s whole white suit with no socks thing was cheesy at best, and that the black guy who was supposed to be an equal partner hardly ever had story episodes done about him. I have a hard time thinking of Colin Farrell and Jamie Foxx as studly. I know they have the Hollywood, six-pack abs and they both date supermodels, but we are talking about a scruffy guy with a unibrow and the funny-looking dude who played Wanda the Ugly Girl on In Living Color. Jaime was good in Ray, and I’m sure Colin has been good in some of his past movies that I haven’t seen, but I prefer to remember Crockett and Tubbs as part of my television viewing past.

Why are the latest commercials for Hummer allowed to be aired on television? These are the most obnoxious ads I have seen in quite sometime. The first one features a vegetarian guy at a grocery store checkout line watching as the clerk scans piles of packaged meat belonging to the guy in front of him. The veggie guy leaves the store and purchases a Hummer giving the message that you are not a real man unless you are consuming horrific amounts of red meat or driving a gas guzzling, impractical, beast of an automobile. The other Hummer commercial features a woman on the playground. Just as she is about to hoist her kid up on the slide, some brat cuts in front, and when she confronts the brat’s mommy, the bitch brushes her off, sending the scorned mommy to the Hummer dealer to ink papers for her enormous, new ride.

If some brat pushed past my Rachael on the playground and upon confronting the brat’s mommy got a brush off, I wouldn’t charge out to buy the most ridiculous vehicle on the market, I would simply yell, “See Rachael, the little boy was rude, because his mommy is very, very rude, and we call rude mommies by a special name, that name is ‘rotten bitch’.” This would be far more effective, and wouldn’t be so harmful to the environment.

Why has my sweet state gone completely insane? Washington recently upheld a ban on gay marriage under the guise of some goofy, political bullshit name like “defense of marriage”. If they really wanted to defend marriage, then they would deny licenses to people who have been married and divorced more than three times, because if you can’t get it right after the third time, then marriage isn’t for you. They would also make anyone under the age of 25 who wants to get married take a mandatory six month class. I don’t care if it is religious based, taught by a certified marriage counselor, or includes a complimentary DVD of America’s Funniest Wedding Bloopers, as long as it is an honest look at marriage. They would also let gay people get married, because they actually stay married, and could help reduce that 50% nationwide divorce rate.

Why is everyone so shocked when the son of one of Australia’s leading anti-semitic holocaust deniers whose last movie happens to be a finger pointing extravaganza about Christ’s brutal death goes on a drinking binge and verbally bashes Jews, while referring to a female officer as “sugar tits”? I think the term “sugar tits” must be in the New Testament, because I don’t recall them mentioning that phrase at synagogue. Sure, he might be Mel Gibson, but he’s still an asshole. I always thought he was a bit of a Jew hater, and said so when The Passion of The Christ came out. Everyone thought I was so awful and crazy for saying such an outrageous thing about the esteemed Mr. Gibson. I don’t want to say I told you so…actually, yes I do: I told you so! Now maybe next time, you’ll listen when I point out the bad man.

Just a few more whys. Why is anyone surprised that the blonde guy from N’Sync is gay? In my mind, the verdict is still out on Justin Timberlake. Why is it not logical that the same House that battled over giving minimum wage workers a raise had no problem voting themselves a sweet ass salary increase earlier this year? They also gave rich folks a whopping inheritance tax break, so it’s nice to know that Paris Hilton won’t have to give up buying diamond earrings for her dog, so that the guy flinging burgers trying to make ends meet can get paid an extra buck an hour.

Perhaps the aliens didn’t abduct me after all, and instead this is my purgatory: to be the only human being on the planet asking “why”. Oh well, if this is punishment for doing impure things in my life, at least I enjoyed every minute of it.