Things I've Learned from my Toddler

She may only be 2 ¾ years old, but my Rachael has a perspective on life that only an old, wise soul could carry. I could write some sappy essay about how I never felt love before her birth, or that her birth was the defining moment when I realized who I truly was, but that would be the stuff that Hollywood likes, and since I’m not into Hollywood, I’ve chosen to forego the sickeningly sweet sentiment, and share the other things I’ve learned from my toddler.

I’ve learned how to rebuke the temptation of being absorbed into a consumer-obsessed culture by watching Rachael. Forget expensive electronics, designer handbags, name brand jeans, and expensive jewelry, when it comes to rewards for a job done well nothing beats stickers. Fishy stickers, kitty stickers, fuzzy stickers, shiny stickers, stickers are the shit! The only thing better than earning stickers is sharing them. Rachael shares her stickers with everyone; me, Jeff, the dog, in fact the dog spent the better part of an hour yesterday flipping his head from side to side trying to get to a large, puffy sticker that Rachael affixed to his back as a reward for him going poopy outside.

Rachael has taught me a thing or two about cuisine. She may not have a sophisticated palate, but my gal knows what she likes. If the place we are eating at doesn’t give you a toy with your meal or let you fill your plate with Jello, chicken drumsticks, and cherry tomatoes, then it’s no place you want to be. Prior to Rachael, Jeff and I used to make fun of places like the Old Country Buffet. We used to laugh it off as a place where old people eat, and we thought the food was crap, now we end up there at least two or three times a month. Remember all of the things you said you’d “never” do when you had kids…yeah, me, too.

On the subject of eating, Rachael has taught me that you need to be selective about what you put into your body. She likes chicken and fruit, which makes me feel like I’m doing something right, because those are healthy. On the other hand, never underestimate a 28 lb. toddler’s ability to completely snub dinner, then within minutes put away a quarter of a single-layer, 9” chocolate cake. I know I should have stopped her, but I’m a hapless sugar addict, so I was shamefully there with her. I’ll set aside my feelings of guilt knowing that cake is made with milk and eggs, and those are both healthy things.

Rachael has taught me a tremendous amount of perspective. In my short time with her, I’ve learned that there isn’t a problem in the world that can’t be fixed by a Dora the Explorer sippy cup full of soy milk. Whether it’s a substantial bump to the head while trying to straddle two, solid, wood chairs in slippery, footy pajamas or a scolding from Daddy for making one of many, many, many messes, that sweet soy milk is a cure for all ills, and the Dora sippy remains its constant partner. In fact, the two are inseparable, and if the circumstance presents itself where the Dora sippy isn’t available, then it is up to you to assert your independence by screaming your head off until someone around you hand washes it and fills it with soy milk.

Sometimes the biggest crises can be solved with the simplest solutions. Rachael has an easy and basic way of “fixing” things. For weeks she has been doing very well in her potty training, but the other night she fell off the wagon and managed to soil one of her coveted pairs of panties. She informed me of the accident, just as I stepped into another room to put something away. I told her I would be out in just a moment, and we would go change her into a pull-up, but Rachael had other plans. She yelled, “I clean it up,” and just as I came face to face with her, she proceeded to empty the contents of the soiled panties onto the kitchen floor. The solution may not always be the cleanest, but it is always the simplest.

Some other valuable lessons from Rachael are that no phone conversation worth having lasts longer than the time it takes to say “hi”, discuss the dog, going potty, and your friends at school. If you don’t like the food on your plate, then taste the same food on the plate of the person sitting next to you, because it could be better. Sprinkles taste good on everything including meat and pickles. Forget radio stations with genres, big hits, classic rock, ballads, alternative music, the only song worth listening to is “Farmer in the Dell”, and it deserves at least a dozen consecutive plays before you can really get the message.

Most of all, I’ve learned that no matter how stupid or pathetic you think you look doing something, if you are having fun, then who the hell cares.