Headline News Recap
The following is a fictional conversation that the voting public had with the Democratic Party during last year’s November elections to present:
Public: We have a job opening.
Democrats: Great! We really want to work for you.
Public: One of the job requirements is that you stop the Bush Administration’s illegal war in Iraq.
Democrats: (a bead of sweat dripping down the brow) I think we can do that.
Public: Sorry, but I don’t want you to “think” you can get you can get it done, if you want this job, you HAVE to get this done. This is what we want.
Democrats: We’ve lost a little ground in the past few years, but we are ready to come back strong, and take this on.
Public: So, you can get the job done.
Democrats: Absolutely!
[7 Months Later]
Public: What the hell was that!
Democrats: What?
Public: You were specifically hired to get our troops the hell out of Iraq, and you gave the Bush Administration what they wanted!
Democrats: It’s not like that, and we are fighting this Administration. You just don’t understand how things really are.
Public: Are you trying to bullshit me right now with politico speak, because it’s not working. You were hired to do a job with very clear instructions and you didn’t do it.
Democrats: What are you going to do, fire me? Look at your alternative, and you know you don’t want that.
Public: You’re right, we really don’t want those guys, but we don’t want you either. In fact, we don’t need any more bullshit from either of you.
Democrats: So what are you going to do? In the end you will pick the lesser of two evils, which means we will stay right where we are.
Public: You know, November 2008 is still a year and a half away, and we might be able to come up with something better than either of you.
Democrats: (snickering) Good luck.
Public: (readying the boot to go up the ass) Fuck You!
On Thursday a bird crapped on Resident Bush’s sleeve during an outdoor press conference in the Rose Garden, which is poetic justice considering that Bush has been shitting on everyone else for the past six years.
Researchers in Argentina released a study that says Viagra may help with jet lag. According to the report, lab rats that were given Viagra and exposed to the same elements that simulated jet lag recovered 50% faster. The other rats just fell asleep claiming they had headaches.
Former president and noble humanitarian, Jimmy Carter, made headlines this week when he referred to Resident Bush as the “worst [president] in history”. The GOP in their effort to be compassionate pounced on Carter like a cat on a dying bird claiming that he was irrelevant, amongst other slurs. I may not agree with President Carter (particularly his latest book), but instead of golfing or fishing, this guy is spending his retirement building houses for poor people, which is good considering the rate at which the worst president in history is creating poor people.
A pair of gay flamingos at a wildlife refuge in the UK have adopted an abandoned baby chick. Workers at the Slimbridge refuge noted that these two birds have been so desperate to have a family that they have seen them chase other birds away from their nest in order to sit on the eggs. Members of Focus on the Family wasted no time in researching the possibility of getting a court injunction against the bird adoption claiming that no fag bird is capable of raising a productive chick, and that despite designing a flaming pink bird with a weird beak and long, stick-like legs, G-d would consider this an abomination.
In Local News
June Daugherty, former UW Women’s Basketball coach and current WSU Basketball coach, suffered a heart attack earlier this week. Fortunately, she was close to a medical facility and was able to receive the attention she needed to quickly save her life. I’m a big fan of June. She was the coach at Boise State while I was there, then as I moved to Seattle, so did she, taking the helm of my new alma mater’s Women’s Basketball team. I was very pissed when UW sacked her after she delivered them a stellar record, and although she is now working for the rival team at WSU, my hope is that she makes a fantastic recovery and spends the next decade kicking UW’s basketball ass. June is a dedicated lady, and fantastic role model. If we had a little less Paris and a little more June in the world, life would be way more ideal.
Worthless Entertainment News
Scott Stapp, former vocalist for the quasi-Christian band Creed, was arrested in Florida on domestic violence related charges after his wife called police, because he came home drunk, high and violent. What I’m wondering now is, does anyone actually still give a damn about Creed? They were worthless when they were popular, and now that their music has been moved to the 99 cents bin isn’t there a better story out there? C’mon Lindsay has to be getting high and making an ass out of herself at some nightclub in L.A.
“The View” ladies, Rosie O’Donnell and Elisabeth Hasselbeck, got into it this week, when Lis decided to twist Rosie’s words using some Right Wing style punditry. Apparently Lis made the mistake of thinking she was Sean Hannity, and that Ro was Alan Colmes, which created a huge explosion when Ro proved that she wasn’t a patsy, kiss ass, bitch (like Colmes) and fired back. For the record, I like Rosie. She is mouthy, bold, and doesn’t give a fuck about being politically correct or mainstream. She says what we all want to say, but don’t have the balls to say for fear of making someone angry.
Some chick won “American Idol”, and now all the headlines are talking about her bright career. What about the guy who won it last year? What happened to his bright career, or the person who won it two years ago? Sorry chicky, but your bright career will come to a screeching halt the moment the next season of “Idol” begins. You may do the tour, but if you want a bright career, horde all of the money you can right now while you still have half of your 15 minutes left, and invest in a college education, because two years from now, you don’t want your bright career to include waitressing.
Assholes of the Week
Congressional Democrats – In the interest of time, I will refer you to the first entry in this Weekly Recap. For not doing what we told you to do, and for constantly being pussies when we needed you to have balls, Congressional Democrats, you are the Assholes of the Week.
Friday, May 25, 2007
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Discrimination By Any Other Name...
I’m not a whiner, and one of my pet peeves are frivolous lawsuits that create a backlog in our court system and prevent real cases from getting the attention they need, so when I found myself on the receiving end of some hardcore discrimination, my first reaction was to consider undertaking a process that contradicts my usual modus operandi.
I’ve been working at The Facility for nearly two years. Lately, it’s been a rollercoaster with the boss’ untimely and quick death from liver cancer. The weeks that followed his passing were downright depressing. My supervisor (who I will refer to as Nan) and I didn’t care for his management style as he was a bit too much of a micro-manager, but we liked him as a person and enjoyed working with him when he wasn’t breathing down our necks. Throughout the last days of the boss’ illness, Nan and I noticed that one of our co-workers (let’s call him Freaky) was taking the boss’ imminent passing particularly hard. This made sense, because he worked very closely with the boss. However, Freaky’s behavior became more and more peculiar.
Some of my regular readers may remember Freaky from an essay I wrote about a year ago. I discussed his insubordination on a project I assigned him to, and his sick obsession with useless details.
The guy is whacked, but I never knew to what extent until the boss’ departing. The shit hit the fan about ten days after the boss had passed away when the Powers that Be asked Nan to step in as interim boss. This was the most logical move as she was the next in line on the food chain.
One of the first things Nan had to do was take on a new set of duties that she had never been cross-trained for, because the boss liked to keep his power to himself. She needed some backup, so she told our department assistant (to be known as Lee) that she was now working with her exclusively. In lieu of the boss’ illness, Freaky had taken it upon himself to supervise Lee at an extremely unhealthy level. He gave a whole new definition to micro managing, and even grilled her when he felt she took too long on a potty break. Lee was ready to give her notice and walk when Nan and I figured out what was going on, and pulled her aside to discuss the matter. We had seen this behavior with Freaky one other time when he supervised a temp. The power went to his head and he turned into a complete asshole, so this latest behavior was nothing new.
When Freaky was no longer Lee’s supervisor (which he never was in the first place), he went ballistic. He refused to do any of his work and would not give credence to Nan’s new position as the boss. He also began spending long periods of time locked in the boss’ office. My curiosity was peaked as to what he was looking at, and like a good former investigative reporter told Nan that I was going to see if anything was out of place. The boss was very anal retentive so his office was meticulous; the papers were stacked neatly by topic, and his files were labeled clearly and picture perfect. Nothing was out of place, until I opened his personal file drawer. It looked like a bomb went off in it. Freaky had plowed his way through all of the boss’ confidential files, which included personnel files on everyone in our department. Lee also confided in us that Freaky was also photocopying like crazy and downloading files onto CD, which is way inappropriate on so many levels.
The worst part of all of this came when Lee gave Nan and I an eight-page journal of her experience being supervised by Freaky. I consider myself to be a woman who has seen some appalling shit in her life, but this report was disturbing. It confirmed that Freaky wasn’t just weird, but completely fucking crazy. Nan, Lee and I spent the next week wondering if Freaky was going to walk in with a gun, and make headlines.
Nan requested meetings with the big boss at The Facility to work everything out, and get Freaky’s ass canned, because by that point, he deserved it. Big Boss talked to all parties and agreed with us at first, but at the beginning of this week, she did a complete 180. Freaky walked into a meeting with Big Boss, the Director of Human Resources, and the head of our oversight board and framed the entire situation as a personality dispute. Us three evil women were ganging up on this sweet guy who was trying to deal with the passing of a dear co-worker. He also told them he was completely unaware that the three of us perceived his behavior poorly. What a truckload of pure bullshit!
For the past two weeks, every time Freaky has got me alone he has told me that Lee was a liar, and at one point told me that he was training her his way. Would a guy who was completely unaware of his inappropriate behavior make preemptive statements and defend actions he was supposed to be oblivious to?
The discrimination part came quickly, and has left me just plain stunned. After the meeting with Freaky on Monday, Big Boss and the Director of HR have refused to meet with anyone else on this matter. They sided with Freaky, and would not hear statements from the rest of us. Basically, they took the word of Freaky, an admin assistant with less than two years at The Facility, over the word of two managers (me and Nan), one of which has been with The Facility for six years, and Lee, a person who was directly supervised by and on the receiving end of Freaky’s harassment. I checked the EEOC website, and this is Discrimination 101.
To make matters worse, Nan found out that late last year, the boss gave Freaky a 25% annual pay raise after giving him a mediocre performance review. Nan has been here for six years, and has never received an annual raise of more than 4%. The other three most recent employees (all female) and myself have never received an annual increase of more than 4%, but this guy is here for one year and gets a 25% bump with an average performance review!?! This is such a direct violation of the Equal Pay Act that a first year attorney could win this case without going to court.
My dilemma now is where do I go from here? I gave my notice now that we are California-bound, and my last day is June 8th. My sister says I should just move on with my life, but this situation is so fucking unjust. The Facility prints this laundry list of “values” on the back of our security badges that includes things like Communication, Teamwork, Trust, Integrity, but it’s all talk. I’ve told Nan that she should sue. She’s been holding this place together for six years, and they’ve let an abusive underling come in and usurp her authority. Lee is so afraid of Freaky (who happens to be 6’2” & 200+lbs.) that she’s ready to quit, and as for me, I’m just straight up pissed.
If I was staying in town, I would have already filed a claim with the EEOC, and I’d have scheduled an appointment with a labor attorney. I told Lee that if she wanted to sue I would testify on her behalf, and would even fly up as needed to see this thing through. I wish Nan would consider taking legal action, but she has had health issues and doesn’t think the stress is worth it. She wants to find a new job, and move on with her life. Maybe I should do the same, but discrimination is a hard pill to swallow. I’ve felt invisible at certain points in life, but feeling invisible, and having someone tell you that you are, are two different things.
I’ve been working at The Facility for nearly two years. Lately, it’s been a rollercoaster with the boss’ untimely and quick death from liver cancer. The weeks that followed his passing were downright depressing. My supervisor (who I will refer to as Nan) and I didn’t care for his management style as he was a bit too much of a micro-manager, but we liked him as a person and enjoyed working with him when he wasn’t breathing down our necks. Throughout the last days of the boss’ illness, Nan and I noticed that one of our co-workers (let’s call him Freaky) was taking the boss’ imminent passing particularly hard. This made sense, because he worked very closely with the boss. However, Freaky’s behavior became more and more peculiar.
Some of my regular readers may remember Freaky from an essay I wrote about a year ago. I discussed his insubordination on a project I assigned him to, and his sick obsession with useless details.
The guy is whacked, but I never knew to what extent until the boss’ departing. The shit hit the fan about ten days after the boss had passed away when the Powers that Be asked Nan to step in as interim boss. This was the most logical move as she was the next in line on the food chain.
One of the first things Nan had to do was take on a new set of duties that she had never been cross-trained for, because the boss liked to keep his power to himself. She needed some backup, so she told our department assistant (to be known as Lee) that she was now working with her exclusively. In lieu of the boss’ illness, Freaky had taken it upon himself to supervise Lee at an extremely unhealthy level. He gave a whole new definition to micro managing, and even grilled her when he felt she took too long on a potty break. Lee was ready to give her notice and walk when Nan and I figured out what was going on, and pulled her aside to discuss the matter. We had seen this behavior with Freaky one other time when he supervised a temp. The power went to his head and he turned into a complete asshole, so this latest behavior was nothing new.
When Freaky was no longer Lee’s supervisor (which he never was in the first place), he went ballistic. He refused to do any of his work and would not give credence to Nan’s new position as the boss. He also began spending long periods of time locked in the boss’ office. My curiosity was peaked as to what he was looking at, and like a good former investigative reporter told Nan that I was going to see if anything was out of place. The boss was very anal retentive so his office was meticulous; the papers were stacked neatly by topic, and his files were labeled clearly and picture perfect. Nothing was out of place, until I opened his personal file drawer. It looked like a bomb went off in it. Freaky had plowed his way through all of the boss’ confidential files, which included personnel files on everyone in our department. Lee also confided in us that Freaky was also photocopying like crazy and downloading files onto CD, which is way inappropriate on so many levels.
The worst part of all of this came when Lee gave Nan and I an eight-page journal of her experience being supervised by Freaky. I consider myself to be a woman who has seen some appalling shit in her life, but this report was disturbing. It confirmed that Freaky wasn’t just weird, but completely fucking crazy. Nan, Lee and I spent the next week wondering if Freaky was going to walk in with a gun, and make headlines.
Nan requested meetings with the big boss at The Facility to work everything out, and get Freaky’s ass canned, because by that point, he deserved it. Big Boss talked to all parties and agreed with us at first, but at the beginning of this week, she did a complete 180. Freaky walked into a meeting with Big Boss, the Director of Human Resources, and the head of our oversight board and framed the entire situation as a personality dispute. Us three evil women were ganging up on this sweet guy who was trying to deal with the passing of a dear co-worker. He also told them he was completely unaware that the three of us perceived his behavior poorly. What a truckload of pure bullshit!
For the past two weeks, every time Freaky has got me alone he has told me that Lee was a liar, and at one point told me that he was training her his way. Would a guy who was completely unaware of his inappropriate behavior make preemptive statements and defend actions he was supposed to be oblivious to?
The discrimination part came quickly, and has left me just plain stunned. After the meeting with Freaky on Monday, Big Boss and the Director of HR have refused to meet with anyone else on this matter. They sided with Freaky, and would not hear statements from the rest of us. Basically, they took the word of Freaky, an admin assistant with less than two years at The Facility, over the word of two managers (me and Nan), one of which has been with The Facility for six years, and Lee, a person who was directly supervised by and on the receiving end of Freaky’s harassment. I checked the EEOC website, and this is Discrimination 101.
To make matters worse, Nan found out that late last year, the boss gave Freaky a 25% annual pay raise after giving him a mediocre performance review. Nan has been here for six years, and has never received an annual raise of more than 4%. The other three most recent employees (all female) and myself have never received an annual increase of more than 4%, but this guy is here for one year and gets a 25% bump with an average performance review!?! This is such a direct violation of the Equal Pay Act that a first year attorney could win this case without going to court.
My dilemma now is where do I go from here? I gave my notice now that we are California-bound, and my last day is June 8th. My sister says I should just move on with my life, but this situation is so fucking unjust. The Facility prints this laundry list of “values” on the back of our security badges that includes things like Communication, Teamwork, Trust, Integrity, but it’s all talk. I’ve told Nan that she should sue. She’s been holding this place together for six years, and they’ve let an abusive underling come in and usurp her authority. Lee is so afraid of Freaky (who happens to be 6’2” & 200+lbs.) that she’s ready to quit, and as for me, I’m just straight up pissed.
If I was staying in town, I would have already filed a claim with the EEOC, and I’d have scheduled an appointment with a labor attorney. I told Lee that if she wanted to sue I would testify on her behalf, and would even fly up as needed to see this thing through. I wish Nan would consider taking legal action, but she has had health issues and doesn’t think the stress is worth it. She wants to find a new job, and move on with her life. Maybe I should do the same, but discrimination is a hard pill to swallow. I’ve felt invisible at certain points in life, but feeling invisible, and having someone tell you that you are, are two different things.
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Weekly Recap 5/6-12: Preaching Pope & Endangered BJs
Headline News Recap
Pope Benedict XVI is on his tour of South America stressing a stringent form of morality that includes the excommunication of anyone who advocates, performs or receives an abortion. Normally I could give credence to the Pope with the full knowledge that his values are antiquated and amusing, but this was the same guy who greenlighted moving priests who molested children from town to town in order to avoid being sued. Tell you what Pope Benedict I’ll take you seriously when you talk about morality if you and your organization actually start engaging in the practice.
The third longest ruling head of state, King Malietoa Tanumanfili II of Samoa, passed away at the age of 94. In the news story Samoan authorities said that the cause of death was still unknown. I may not be a doctor, and have never met the King of Samoa, but I’ll go for the long shot here and say that the cause of death had something to do with him being 94.
The cremated remains of 200 people including James Doohan (Scotty from “Star Trek”) and Astronaut Gordon Cooper went missing in the mountains of New Mexico. They were supposed to be sent into orbit then retrieved and given back to the surviving relatives, but something went wrong, and now Scotty is once again exploring new frontier. Call me old fashioned, but what’s wrong with a good burial?
Next time you want to show Grandpa your cool new iPod, don’t do it! Scientists have discovered that the technology in the iPod interferes with the electromagnetic technology in a cardiac pacemaker. Wouldn’t it be a bitch if all you wanted to do was show Grandma your Punk Rock playlist and ended up killing her that would guarantee no more birthday checks.
I laughed out loud at another scientific finding this week. Apparently HPV isn’t just for uteruses anymore. HPV contracted from oral sex is the leading cause of throat cancer. Cancer is nothing to laugh about, although the thought of all of those guys who were so against women getting vaccinated for HPV panicking because it now affects their BJs is good for a few belly laughs. I will lay money on the fact that in lieu of this finding, keeping women to their morals won’t be such an issue anymore, not when it could deprive good Christian husbands of a well deserved BJ.
The White House reaffirmed its support of Paul Wolfowitz, the World Bank president who is now in deep shit for bypassing the World Bank’s regulations by giving his girlfriend a huge pay raise and promotion. First of all, this is one of the architects of the Iraq War, which means he doesn’t give a rat’s ass about regulations. Second, when the White House throws its support behind you, it means you’re fucked. Bye-bye Wolfy, don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out!
In Local News
Puget Sound Energy, the company that kept some people in the dark for up to 10 days during the big blackout, treats their employees very well. With overtime, PSE employees average $114,000 per year in salary. I’ve been wondering why I’m not running the heat since its warm, I’m not running the lights since its spring, and my fucking bill is still in the neighborhood of $200 per month.
Still no offers on my beautiful, Wisteria Lane house, but yesterday I read on Google News that Seattle is one of the top real estate markets in the country. To quote my mates in England – Bollocks!
Worthless Entertainment News
Paris Hilton going is to jail for 45 days and trying to petition the Governor to get out of it, but I’m sure you’re hearing about this little incident for the first time.
A slew of shitty movies hit theaters including “28 Weeks Later” (like the first one was a thrill), “Georgia Rule” (isn’t Lindsay’s 15 over with yet?), and “The Ex” (too many ‘women are evil’ clichés for its own good). Thankfully, “Shrek 3” will be out soon. Even if it sucks I’ll enjoy watching my little one laugh at Donkey.
Some chick was eliminated from “American Idol”. I would tell you her name, but frankly, I don’t give a fuck now, have never given a fuck, and will never give a fuck about anything that has to do with “American Idol”.
Asshole(s) of the Week
Too Many To Name Individually – Between Paris Hilton’s prison prissy fits, the Republicans who can’t decide where they stand on abortion even though it’s a deeply personal issue that only the woman contemplating getting one should be stressing over, Karl Rove doing his totalitarian bullshit, presidential candidates who don’t want to disclose their income statements because it will make the rest of us realize that they are the 1% who rule America, the Congress who just gave a big hand job to the drug companies while giving elderly Americans the finger by passing legislation that makes it harder for Grandpa to get prescriptions from Canada, the six motherfuckers who were planning to open fire on troops at Fort Dix, the wonderful Bush Regime that sent all of the disaster clean up equipment to Iraq leaving next to nothing available (including National Guard troops) when that big ass twister hit Kansas, and…at this point, I’m too fucking depressed to single out anyone else. For doing what you do, and unfortunately, what you will continue to do, you are all Assholes of the Week.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Thank G-d for Paris Hilton
I can’t believe I’ve spent so much time in life being grateful for my family, friends, and a decent home, when I should have focused all of my energies and praise on Paris Hilton.
Perhaps I’ve had my head in the sand, and overlooked the tremendous gift that Paris brings to my life. You see, my life is mundane, and Paris brings “beauty and excitement” to it, or so she claims on her MySpace site. I’m not alone in the drudgery of daily life, apparently everyone else has a boring, average, and simple life that is uplifted just by knowing that Paris exists on the same planet as we do. I am particularly envious of those regular folks who reside in California, because they get to live in the same state as Paris, whereas I have to live a few hundred miles further away.
Paris’ gift of presence to the world doesn’t just end with the glamour she brings to all our mundane lives; she further enhances our being by providing “hope to young people all over the U.S. and the world”. You hear that kids! Be grateful that Paris is willing to lend her valuable time to be your role model. She may not serve on the Board of a charitable foundation or volunteer for worthwhile causes or spend her time receiving a valuable education that would enable her to give something positive back to society, but she was the chick that made the phrase, “That’s Hot” popular.
Our socialite goddess is in the throws of a very nasty legal battle whereby the County of Los Angeles wants to punish her for violating her probation. The probation may have stemmed from a drunk driving arrest, but her subsequent violations had nothing to do with alcohol. All Paris wanted to do was drive her Bentley. Is that so wrong? The people who read her mail told her it would be okay, so that means that this whole thing wasn’t her fault. She might have been driving late at night with the headlights off, but that’s a mistake anyone can make, besides L.A. has plenty of streetlights and the neon signs from the clubs are illumination enough. It’s not like she hit someone crossing the street or killed anyone in the process of driving recklessly, that would have required an entire high-powered legal team, and she has only needed the assistance of two influential attorneys.
The thought of Paris in jail for 45 days should be a national tragedy. Yesterday she released a nicely scripted statement that said she wasn’t above the law, was sorry for her probation violations, and just wanted to be treated fairly. All Paris ever wanted was to be treated like a regular person when she entered clubs with VIP access, took private jets for travel, was whisked away to private dining rooms at restaurants, had her bodyguards clear the bathroom at Starbucks so she could use it, you know, just like the rest of us. Paris is a woman of the people, and by people, I mean anyone who has a net worth of over $10 million. The rest of us are relegated to fawning over her via the internet, magazine and newspaper profiles, watching her TV show, and listening to her brilliant CD.
My point is that all of us with mundane lives should be grateful for what Paris brings to us, and should rise up in anger that Los Angeles County would lock such a humanitarian away for 45-days whether the reasoning is legitimate or not. Forget the increasing poverty, the unjust and illegal war, the widening of the gaps between rich and poor, our suffering environment, the inadequate education system, or the off-shoring of American jobs, this country should be focused on righting this wrong against Paris.
Thankfully a decent human being named Jonathan has started an online petition addressed to Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger asking him to pardon Paris, but I prefer the other petition at www.ipetitions.com/petition/45daysforParis/.
When someone, such as Paris, is so out of whack that she thinks this much of herself, a mere 45-day jail sentence might be the big reality check she needs. What I’m wondering now is would it be possible for the media to serve the 45 days along with Paris, because their priorities and sense of what is important seem to be just as screwed up as hers.
Perhaps I’ve had my head in the sand, and overlooked the tremendous gift that Paris brings to my life. You see, my life is mundane, and Paris brings “beauty and excitement” to it, or so she claims on her MySpace site. I’m not alone in the drudgery of daily life, apparently everyone else has a boring, average, and simple life that is uplifted just by knowing that Paris exists on the same planet as we do. I am particularly envious of those regular folks who reside in California, because they get to live in the same state as Paris, whereas I have to live a few hundred miles further away.
Paris’ gift of presence to the world doesn’t just end with the glamour she brings to all our mundane lives; she further enhances our being by providing “hope to young people all over the U.S. and the world”. You hear that kids! Be grateful that Paris is willing to lend her valuable time to be your role model. She may not serve on the Board of a charitable foundation or volunteer for worthwhile causes or spend her time receiving a valuable education that would enable her to give something positive back to society, but she was the chick that made the phrase, “That’s Hot” popular.
Our socialite goddess is in the throws of a very nasty legal battle whereby the County of Los Angeles wants to punish her for violating her probation. The probation may have stemmed from a drunk driving arrest, but her subsequent violations had nothing to do with alcohol. All Paris wanted to do was drive her Bentley. Is that so wrong? The people who read her mail told her it would be okay, so that means that this whole thing wasn’t her fault. She might have been driving late at night with the headlights off, but that’s a mistake anyone can make, besides L.A. has plenty of streetlights and the neon signs from the clubs are illumination enough. It’s not like she hit someone crossing the street or killed anyone in the process of driving recklessly, that would have required an entire high-powered legal team, and she has only needed the assistance of two influential attorneys.
The thought of Paris in jail for 45 days should be a national tragedy. Yesterday she released a nicely scripted statement that said she wasn’t above the law, was sorry for her probation violations, and just wanted to be treated fairly. All Paris ever wanted was to be treated like a regular person when she entered clubs with VIP access, took private jets for travel, was whisked away to private dining rooms at restaurants, had her bodyguards clear the bathroom at Starbucks so she could use it, you know, just like the rest of us. Paris is a woman of the people, and by people, I mean anyone who has a net worth of over $10 million. The rest of us are relegated to fawning over her via the internet, magazine and newspaper profiles, watching her TV show, and listening to her brilliant CD.
My point is that all of us with mundane lives should be grateful for what Paris brings to us, and should rise up in anger that Los Angeles County would lock such a humanitarian away for 45-days whether the reasoning is legitimate or not. Forget the increasing poverty, the unjust and illegal war, the widening of the gaps between rich and poor, our suffering environment, the inadequate education system, or the off-shoring of American jobs, this country should be focused on righting this wrong against Paris.
Thankfully a decent human being named Jonathan has started an online petition addressed to Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger asking him to pardon Paris, but I prefer the other petition at www.ipetitions.com/petition/45daysforParis/.
When someone, such as Paris, is so out of whack that she thinks this much of herself, a mere 45-day jail sentence might be the big reality check she needs. What I’m wondering now is would it be possible for the media to serve the 45 days along with Paris, because their priorities and sense of what is important seem to be just as screwed up as hers.
Monday, May 07, 2007
Top 10 Ways to Honor My Dead, Gay, Control Freak Boss
After a sudden, nine week battle with liver cancer, my boss died today at around noon. He wasn’t a sentimental person and hated emotion, so the best way I can think to remember him is to create a very organized list with no spelling or grammatical errors that clearly states something positive avoiding any possibility of making anyone look bad.
Here it is, the top ten ways I can best honor my dead, gay, control freak boss:
1. Reorganize my desk putting all of the rubber bands together by correct size, group all of the highlighters in descending order lightest to darkest, and label all of my files meticulously. (He was a big fan of multiple files.)
2. Politely sip a martini, and scold that bitch of a bartender if he makes it too dry or not dry enough. (His last request in the hospital was for a martini, and my co-workers and I spent the next couple of days trying to figure out how to smuggle one in for him. We chickened out in the end, because we didn’t know if the alcohol combined with the assload of painkillers would result in a murder or assisted suicide that we could all end up doing time for.)
3. Schedule a meeting, then schedule two more meetings about the original meeting with the possibility of backup meetings to support the subsequent meetings scheduled to prepare for the initial meeting. (WTF?!?)
4. Show tunes, show tunes, show tunes. (He was a big “Chicago” fan.)
5. Take my dog for a walk with my life partner, and give couples with small children dirty looks. (He always enjoyed this activity, and although he never admitted it, he was totally the type to give parents of small children the stinkeye.)
6. Writing a scathing review of a co-worker, then micromanage even their smallest task for the month following. (Sadly, a trait he was quite fond of in himself.)
7. Go straight into the office in the morning, shut the door, and keep everything very ‘hush hush.’ (We always did wonder what the hell he was doing all day.)
8. Slot machines, slot machines, slot machines. (He did love those slots!)
9. Make fun of the other gay people who live in the same gay area of town that I do, but preface it with the statement, “My partner and I aren’t like that.” (Weird how they always seem to do this.)
10. Never hesitate to take that trip to Paris, because I’m too concerned with working a job. (Even though his job was his life, it was just a job. When he was lying in his hospital bed dying, he said his biggest regret was never taking time off to go see Paris.)
Farewell, my friend, I hope you are finally visiting Paris.
Friday, May 04, 2007
Weekly Recap 4/29-5/5: GOP Debate Attempts & Dry Cleaning Debacles
Headline News Recap
Republican presidential hopefuls gathered at the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library in The O.C. to verbally duke it out on Thursday. Coming as no surprise, they all defended the war in Iraq except Ron Paul who doesn’t have a chance in hell at winning the nomination, reiterated their position that American women are morons who don’t deserve to have reproductive choice, agreed that Iran is evil, evoked the memory of Reagan despite the fact that the modern Republican Party bears almost no resemblance to Reagan’s Republican Party of the ‘80s, and didn’t say one damn thing about re-building the American infrastructure or addressing poverty issues. Basically, ten middle-aged, Baby Boomer, elitist, white guys proved, once again, they were out of touch with what’s going on. The sad thing for all of them is that the most popular Republican with the best chance of winning the nomination is actor, Fred Thompson, who hasn't done more than mention that he might be interested in possibly running. Sorry, GOP, there’s going to be a new resident at the White House in 2008, and it won’t be you.
Remember when George W. Bush was the “compassionate conservative”? Yeah, neither do I, but that and saying he loves Jesus won him two elections. Unfortunately, it was all bullshit, and any ounce of compassion he said he had will go right out the door when he vetoes the hate crimes bill that passed the House and is currently making its way through the Senate. The bill, named in honor of Matthew Shepard, the young man brutally beaten to death for being gay, includes hate crime protection for sexual orientation. Despite being endorsed by hundreds of human rights groups and law enforcement organizations, George doesn’t want anyone in the Bible Belt to be deprived of a good round of smear the queer, and plans on stamping a big veto. All I want to know is what would Jesus think of that?
Queen Elizabeth II is touring the U.S., and made a stop in Jamestown, Virginia to tour one of the first English settlements. Funny, you wouldn’t think British royalty would want to remember that particular time in history.
Rupert Murdoch, the dark overlord of the media world, made a “friendly” bid this week to purchase the Dow Jones and the “Wall Street Journal”, and fortunately, the Bancroft Family quickly rejected the offer. However, some analysts are speculating that Murdoch may win in the end. Won’t it be interesting to see the Dow hit 20,000, yet more and more Americans will still be plunging into poverty at an alarming pace? In the world Murdoch wants to create, truth and reality are about as far apart as Sean Hannity and Edward R. Murrow.
The U.S. government finally revealed its protection against a pandemic flu this week: a cloth facemask. Although the mask isn’t the best protection, and they aren’t even sure if it really works, it’s better than nothing. They would have revealed a vaccine, but all of our money is tied up in Iraq, so if the flu starts dropping people like flies, remember the same mask that your nail tech wears to keep acrylic dust out of her face is the best protection for warding off a killer virus. Thank you U.S. government, thank you.
In Local News
The University Bridge is back up and running after a break in the water main caused the bridge to collapse. The collapse then caused a sinkhole to form. The sinkhole that was so large, it managed to derail traffic for several days and swallow two cars. If there is one thing Seattle can do well, it’s make yummy coffee drinks and big ass sinkholes.
Gas prices have gone through the roof, traffic sucks, but I’m a happy gal, because we just bought a hybrid. That’s right, we’ve gone hybrid. Fuck You OPEC!
Worthless Entertainment News
Britney Spears made her big comeback this week at a club in San Diego. Miss Oops I Did It Again donned an eclectic streetwalker outfit and lip-synced a 16-minute set of her old songs. Many are speculating what her next career move will be, and claiming she has several options. If those options include a spread in “Penthouse”, a guest spot as one of the “Flavor of Love” girls, or an appearance on Court TV after a drunken club brawl, then yes, Britney has several options.
Paris Hilton may be getting accommodations that don’t meet her namesake’s 5-star guarantee. After violating her probation stemming from a drunk driving incident, the L.A. County prosecutor is looking to impose the 45-day jail sentence typical for a probation violation. Doesn’t it just suck when the law applies to everyone equally despite money and fame.
Asshole of the Week
Judge Roy L. Pearson, Jr. – Here’s the gist of this story. Judge Pearson took some suits in to his neighborhood dry cleaners to be cleaned and altered. One of the suits came back with the pants missing. The pants were found two days later, but that wasn’t good enough for this schmuck. He wants to sue the dry cleaners, not for the replacement value, but for $65 million. Yep, that’s right, $65 million! The dry cleaning business is owned by a family who emigrated from South Korea seven years ago. They are hardworking folks who offered the Judge up to $15,000 to settle the case. According to the Judge, the $65 million accounts for a once-a-week car rental expense to take his dry cleaning to another neighborhood for the next ten years. The family being sued is so distraught over the situation, they are thinking of moving back to Korea. For bastardizing the system you are supposed to be upholding, and for being the most obstinate, unreasonable person alive, Judge Roy L. Pearson, Jr. you are the Asshole of the Week!
Republican presidential hopefuls gathered at the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library in The O.C. to verbally duke it out on Thursday. Coming as no surprise, they all defended the war in Iraq except Ron Paul who doesn’t have a chance in hell at winning the nomination, reiterated their position that American women are morons who don’t deserve to have reproductive choice, agreed that Iran is evil, evoked the memory of Reagan despite the fact that the modern Republican Party bears almost no resemblance to Reagan’s Republican Party of the ‘80s, and didn’t say one damn thing about re-building the American infrastructure or addressing poverty issues. Basically, ten middle-aged, Baby Boomer, elitist, white guys proved, once again, they were out of touch with what’s going on. The sad thing for all of them is that the most popular Republican with the best chance of winning the nomination is actor, Fred Thompson, who hasn't done more than mention that he might be interested in possibly running. Sorry, GOP, there’s going to be a new resident at the White House in 2008, and it won’t be you.
Remember when George W. Bush was the “compassionate conservative”? Yeah, neither do I, but that and saying he loves Jesus won him two elections. Unfortunately, it was all bullshit, and any ounce of compassion he said he had will go right out the door when he vetoes the hate crimes bill that passed the House and is currently making its way through the Senate. The bill, named in honor of Matthew Shepard, the young man brutally beaten to death for being gay, includes hate crime protection for sexual orientation. Despite being endorsed by hundreds of human rights groups and law enforcement organizations, George doesn’t want anyone in the Bible Belt to be deprived of a good round of smear the queer, and plans on stamping a big veto. All I want to know is what would Jesus think of that?
Queen Elizabeth II is touring the U.S., and made a stop in Jamestown, Virginia to tour one of the first English settlements. Funny, you wouldn’t think British royalty would want to remember that particular time in history.
Rupert Murdoch, the dark overlord of the media world, made a “friendly” bid this week to purchase the Dow Jones and the “Wall Street Journal”, and fortunately, the Bancroft Family quickly rejected the offer. However, some analysts are speculating that Murdoch may win in the end. Won’t it be interesting to see the Dow hit 20,000, yet more and more Americans will still be plunging into poverty at an alarming pace? In the world Murdoch wants to create, truth and reality are about as far apart as Sean Hannity and Edward R. Murrow.
The U.S. government finally revealed its protection against a pandemic flu this week: a cloth facemask. Although the mask isn’t the best protection, and they aren’t even sure if it really works, it’s better than nothing. They would have revealed a vaccine, but all of our money is tied up in Iraq, so if the flu starts dropping people like flies, remember the same mask that your nail tech wears to keep acrylic dust out of her face is the best protection for warding off a killer virus. Thank you U.S. government, thank you.
In Local News
The University Bridge is back up and running after a break in the water main caused the bridge to collapse. The collapse then caused a sinkhole to form. The sinkhole that was so large, it managed to derail traffic for several days and swallow two cars. If there is one thing Seattle can do well, it’s make yummy coffee drinks and big ass sinkholes.
Gas prices have gone through the roof, traffic sucks, but I’m a happy gal, because we just bought a hybrid. That’s right, we’ve gone hybrid. Fuck You OPEC!
Worthless Entertainment News
Britney Spears made her big comeback this week at a club in San Diego. Miss Oops I Did It Again donned an eclectic streetwalker outfit and lip-synced a 16-minute set of her old songs. Many are speculating what her next career move will be, and claiming she has several options. If those options include a spread in “Penthouse”, a guest spot as one of the “Flavor of Love” girls, or an appearance on Court TV after a drunken club brawl, then yes, Britney has several options.
Paris Hilton may be getting accommodations that don’t meet her namesake’s 5-star guarantee. After violating her probation stemming from a drunk driving incident, the L.A. County prosecutor is looking to impose the 45-day jail sentence typical for a probation violation. Doesn’t it just suck when the law applies to everyone equally despite money and fame.
Asshole of the Week
Judge Roy L. Pearson, Jr. – Here’s the gist of this story. Judge Pearson took some suits in to his neighborhood dry cleaners to be cleaned and altered. One of the suits came back with the pants missing. The pants were found two days later, but that wasn’t good enough for this schmuck. He wants to sue the dry cleaners, not for the replacement value, but for $65 million. Yep, that’s right, $65 million! The dry cleaning business is owned by a family who emigrated from South Korea seven years ago. They are hardworking folks who offered the Judge up to $15,000 to settle the case. According to the Judge, the $65 million accounts for a once-a-week car rental expense to take his dry cleaning to another neighborhood for the next ten years. The family being sued is so distraught over the situation, they are thinking of moving back to Korea. For bastardizing the system you are supposed to be upholding, and for being the most obstinate, unreasonable person alive, Judge Roy L. Pearson, Jr. you are the Asshole of the Week!
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