Weekly Update 10/8-14: Crappy Lettuce & Tempting Faith

Headline News Recap
North Korea claimed they launched a nuclear bomb underground. Now I’m no expert on nukes, but how the hell do you launch a bomb underground, and not only that, how do you launch a nuke without having at least just one of your neighboring countries (namely the other country that shares your name) not notice? I’m not saying it didn’t happen, after all, the U.N. Security Council is having a complete fit, I’m just wondering if perhaps the creepy, little lunatic who runs North Korea might be exaggerating to get attention. My toddler does this every now and then, only instead of threats with nuclear weapons; she throws her sippy cup on the ground and yells, which looks exactly like Kim Jong Il making a speech.

Just when you wanted to kick back and enjoy a salad, there’s something awry with the lettuce. The same place in California that produced shitty spinach is back with an encore of shitty lettuce. I used to be afraid of eating produce that came from Mexico or South American countries that had questionable water, now I’d rather take my chances with grapes from Guadalajara than leafy greens from Cali.

In a positive move for freedom of speech and putting weird crap on the Internet, Google bought YouTube for over a billion. Now, you will not only have the opportunity to query information on cats dancing in ball gowns; you will be able to see several videos of it as well. Then you may want to seek professional help.

A new book called Tempting Faith by David Kuo, the number two guy in the White House’s Office of Faith-Based Initiatives (this office really shouldn’t exist), claims that those pious neocons who basically sold the Bush presidency as “a vote for George is a vote for Jesus”, really can’t stand evangelical Christians and just used them to get their boy elected. Ya think! This regime hasn’t done one thing that remotely resembles anything I’ve heard my Christian friends and relatives talk about. Tempting Faith recounts instances where Karl Rove referred to Christian religious leaders as “nuts” and used tax dollars earmarked for “faith-based initiatives” to hold political roundtables between local religious leaders and incumbent Republican candidates who needed a boost in the polls. Most of this absolutely disgusts me, but I’m glad it’s coming out. Whether you are part of a religion or not, if anyone ever tells you that you have to do something without questioning it or G-d won’t love you, kick them in the teeth and tell them to “fuck off”, because it’s far easier to fight assault charges then it is to send your teenage niece or nephew off to an unjust, Middle Eastern civil war.

I would report on other important headlines, but all of the news sources are still frothing at the mouth over the former Congressman Foley’s jerk off emails to the pages, and in classic, Bush Regime form, no one is taking responsibility or being forced to resign despite outcries from the public.

In Local News
Curious George came out on DVD this week, and I’ll give $500 plus my eternal gratitude to anyone who will bring me the head of Jack Johnson. Seriously, if I have to hear that fucking song again, I’m going to do something psycho. On the new DVD, the video loops, so the song runs over and over again much to the joy of my toddler, and much to the detriment of the delicate balance of sanity in my brain.

Attention Hounds Behaving Badly This Week
Mel Gibson is on, what someone cleverly referred to as, “The Redemption Tour” discussing, with anyone who will listen, why he spewed anti-Semitic remarks while driving drunk. He is blaming the alcohol, but let’s get real, if it weren’t there to begin with, it wouldn’t have come out. I’ve said some crazy things while inebriated, but I’ve never gone off on some racist tirade. Nice try, Mel.

Madonna and her husband adopted an African kid this week. Is this now some sort of new celebrity trend like where all of the celebrities had those mini Chihuahuas? It just seems a little strange to me that every time a celebrity visits Africa, they come back with a kid. There are a lot of children in the U.S., who could use a good home, and they already speak English, so what’s the deal. I would love to believe all of these celebrities have pure motives, but at this point, I’m skeptical.

Expensive shoe designer, Manolo Blahnik, came to the defense of spoiled, dead royalty this week by proclaiming that Marie Antoinette’s death was “unjust” and she “died so badly.” He reasoned that while she shouldn’t have spent money lavishly, while the French people starved, she was “young and bored.” Apparently, Mr. Blahnik fails to realize that this is the same woman who was approached several times and told that her people were dying from starvation and disease, and her solution to the economic crisis was to “let them eat cake.” I think, much like Russia’s Romanov Family, she got what she deserved.

Quote of the Week
“Trust me, I look really awful naked.” – Victoria Beckham (a.k.a. Posh Spice) to Harper’s Bazaar magazine on her thin figure. This I believe, because when I was in the 4th grade, Karen Carpenter died of anorexia and my teacher, Mrs. Marshall, in an attempt to show the harmful effects of forgoing food went around the room with a medical journal picture of a woman who had starved herself down to 85 lbs. Holocaust Chic might be the look of choice for Keira Knightley, Mary Kate Olsen, and any of the stars of the “pro ana” websites, but to us regular people, it’s just gross, and to imagine that naked is the stuff nightmares are made of.

By the way, hats off to London Mayor Ken Livingstone for threatening to pull funding for London Fashion Week if the models don’t adhere to the new Body Mass Index requirements. Following Madrid’s lead, any model with a below-average BMI will not be allowed to walk at Fashion Week. Of course, the bare minimum of a normal BMI only requires a woman, who is 5’9” to weigh 125 lbs., but it’s a start.