Divorce, Hollywood Style

Hollywood and the pop culture media loves a big, beautiful, expensive, celebrity-filled wedding. They do major spreads in magazines, talk incessantly about the betrothed couple, and even interrupt actual news to give a synopsis of the happy occasion. For the entire month leading up to the Tom Cruise-Katie Holmes wedding hours of airtime and many column inches of press have been dedicated to talking about everything from the cake to the dress to those crazy Scientology vows. Even the CNN ticker has been working overtime tracking the couple’s whereabouts. By now, the only thing the media loves more than a glamorous celebrity wedding is a knock-down, drag-out celebrity divorce.

They make it look so easy; the whole getting divorced business. All Brittney had to do to was text message her husband with the bad news (far better from having to have an actual heart-to-heart conversation), get a trendy, new haircut and a designer black dress that showed off her boobs, and she was off, hitting the town and living her “new life”. Never mind the fact that the couple has two kids, one of whom is only two months old. Brittney needs to start dating again; after all, it will make for much better drama in the exciting new divorce show.

As someone who has been through a divorce, I can tell you that it isn’t as simple as Hollywood makes it out to be. There is a lot of paperwork, uncomfortable conversations, you have to appear in court, and oh yeah, there’s the whole emotional aspect. I’m not naïve and I don’t expect Hollywood to portray anything like it happens in the real world, but the same media that snickers with headlines about Brittney vs. Kevin is the one that keeps asking why the divorce rate in this country is out of control.

Now that Tom and Katie are hitched, and since Jessica Simpson seems to be keeping her dating low key (the nerve of her), we are likely to be watching divorce dramas clear into the New Year. Whether it is Spears/Federline or Witherspoon/Philippe, the media is planning a heyday of epic proportions with heroes, villains, heartbreak, and fake, exaggerated tears complete with Barbara Walters soothing the sobbing party.

To fast-forward you through all of the bullshit, here is how the Brittney/Kevin divorce will play out in the media. Brittney is currently revealing her “new, single” self, and waving her prenup like a victory flag. The only thing Miss “Ooops” forgot was that 50% of her kids is made up of her soon-to-be ex-hubby’s DNA, which means he’s not going to go away, and by law, he doesn’t have to. Now Kevin is showing the brains we all didn’t think he had, and giving Brittney’s mom fits by asking for custody of their two kids. The sick, sad thing is that this guy has two other kids by the chick he dumped, while she was pregnant, to hook up with Brit-Brit, so the custody thing is basically about money rather than love for the kids.

They will be back and forth in the media over the next few months. Brittney will play the victim, and do the whole sobbing to the same reporters she was smiling at only three months ago while talking about how she was happy just being a married housewife with kids. Kevin will switch from bad guy to victim on a month to month basis doing his own interviews whining about what a superbitch Brittney could be, and how he was just trying to be the kind, dutiful husband to a demanding diva.

In the end, after court battles that make lawyers rich and celebrity pundits wet and hard, it will finally end with the failure of Brittney’s “comeback” album (especially since her audience is well over puberty age and she has nothing to come back to), and Kevin being relegated to the same trivia status enjoyed by guys such as Kato Kalen, Larry Fortensky, and that kid who got caned in that Asian country for spray-painting cars.

The world won’t be a better place, everyone’s I.Q. will be lower than it is now, and somewhere there will be some dingy broad who thinks that all she has to do to end her marriage is get a fun, new haircut, and a dress that shows off her boobs, and hit the town.