Weekly Recap 10/29-11/4: Stupid Jokes & Scary Appetites

Headline News Recap
The mainstream (and so-called liberal) media’s panties were all in a bunch this week over a botched joke former presidential candidate, John Kerry, made that loosely insinuated that people serving in the military were from the uneducated segment of American society. Of course the neocons jumped all over this like a closeted Republican congressman with a hard-on and an underage page’s email address, and have been talking about it non-stop. What I want to know is, does anyone other than Fox News and neocon media give a fuck, because I don’t. For starters, 103 American soldiers died in Iraq last month, and we are still pissing billions away on this war. The economy is heading for a bad patch, because the real estate bubble is bursting everywhere, which means when all of the folks who bought houses at those great 5-1 and 7-1 arm interest rates are going to be up shit’s creek when their adjustable interest rate goes up. In about 18-20 months it will be foreclosure city, and all the media can talk about is a senator’s lame ass joke. Kerry isn’t even up for re-election!

This week Takeru Kobayashi took home his third straight championship title in the Krystal hamburger eating contest by downing 97 burgers in 8 minutes. This is the same little Japanese man who wins the Nathan’s hot eating contest every year. Does anyone else find this disturbing? Only in America could we come up with the sport of competitive eating! By the way, I’m not surprised it is an Asian man who is the champ. Sure, with their thin figures, size 4 butts, and quiet nature, they look unassuming, but I have many Asian friends and those people can eat. Don’t be fooled by their size, especially when it comes to hot dogs and sugar-free cake.

Evangelical Christian leader, Ted Haggard, admitted today that some of the claims made by a male prostitute who claimed he had an affair with Haggard were true. Aaaaaahhhh. I love the smell of hypocrites burning at the stake in the morning. This group of bastards was so ruthless and cut-throat in condemning homosexuals in the last election, and using blatant hatred to keep their hold on power, that this is a very fitting end to them. A rabbi once told me that G-d doesn’t directly interfere with the day-to-day conflicts of man, because everything has a way of working out in the end.

The New York Times published an article claiming that scientists have discovered that calorie-restrictive diets will slow the aging process. I can’t believe that someone who sits on their ass for 12 hours eating McDonalds and playing X-box will age (i.e. die) quicker than the person who consumes veggies and walks their dog daily. You know, maybe scientists should think of focusing on curing something rather than confirming shit we already know.

Whole Foods, the grocery chain that specializes in organic and health conscious food for rich socialites, saw its stock tumble this week as people finally wised up to the fact that they were paying $10 for organic grapes that are $6 less per pound than the organic grapes at Safeway, and had no difference in taste whatsoever.

The U.K. hired former Vice President, Al Gore, to be their environmental advisor this week. Kudos for England, and a big bitchslap to the U.S. Here we have a homegrown expert who can’t even offer his wealth of knowledge to his own country, because Dark Oil Overlord Cheney, and his sidekick The Saudi-loving Kid Bush run it.

In Local News
If the King County Elections Board wasn’t so incompetent I would suggest they come up with a way to flag any household that votes via absentee ballot. In the last week, I have received at least five trees worth of political mailers. I voted two weeks ago via absentee ballot, so now I’m just left to deal with more junk mail than any human should have to bear. As someone who recycles, and is conscious of environmental issues, I don’t like political candidates wasting the earth’s resources to accuse one another of bad shit that they probably didn’t do. Stop sending me crap or include an extra $7, so that I can pay my waste disposal service for the extra trash can I’m going to need this month.

How screwed up is this: I’ve been eating at least three Milky Way candy “bites” and one Hershey’s fun size bar each day, and I’ve lost weight. What the fuck!

Attention Whores Behaving Badly This Week
Brittney Spears’ husband Kevin Federline’s big concert was cancelled due to lack of interest. Later in the week he wrote a 1,500-word article for a major paper boo-hooing the fact that people don’t like him. Why can’t these people just go away! She’s well past her prime, and his presence adds nothing to society as a whole. Go away! Brittney, can’t you just fade into obscurity like a normal flash in the pan, resurrecting yourself only for the mandatory Playboy photo shoot?

Country singer and Nicole Kidman hubby, Keith Urban, went into rehab this week. I don’t care; he’s still nice to look at.

Actors Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe called it quits on their marriage this week. Although they’ve promised to keep divorce proceedings simple and civil for the sake of their children; that’s not likely to happen, right Sir Paul.

Sacha Baron Cohen’s character Borat seems to be pissing off someone new on a daily basis. The movie opens in most cities this week, and I can’t wait to see it. Any Jewish guy who can play a rapper wannabe and a Kazakhstani television reporter with a moustache overdose to complete perfection is well worth my two hours and $10. L’Chaim!

Quote of the Week
“Paula, like women everywhere, had come to hate [Tom Cruise].” – Viacom Chief, Sumner Redstone in Vanity Fair magazine on how his wife, Paula, might have influenced his decision to fire Tom Cruise.

I’m a woman, and I don’t hate Tom Cruise. I think he’s nutty as a bag of granola, but he’s just an actor, and as of today, one of the heads of United Artists studios. My point is that if I don’t like something that Tom does, I won’t see it, and it really won’t affect my daily life, as opposed to having lunatic lawmakers who can do way more damage than wasting two hours of our time on Mission: Impossible III.