Headline News Recap
The following is a fictional conversation that the voting public had with the Democratic Party during last year’s November elections to present:
Public: We have a job opening.
Democrats: Great! We really want to work for you.
Public: One of the job requirements is that you stop the Bush Administration’s illegal war in Iraq.
Democrats: (a bead of sweat dripping down the brow) I think we can do that.
Public: Sorry, but I don’t want you to “think” you can get you can get it done, if you want this job, you HAVE to get this done. This is what we want.
Democrats: We’ve lost a little ground in the past few years, but we are ready to come back strong, and take this on.
Public: So, you can get the job done.
Democrats: Absolutely!
[7 Months Later]
Public: What the hell was that!
Democrats: What?
Public: You were specifically hired to get our troops the hell out of Iraq, and you gave the Bush Administration what they wanted!
Democrats: It’s not like that, and we are fighting this Administration. You just don’t understand how things really are.
Public: Are you trying to bullshit me right now with politico speak, because it’s not working. You were hired to do a job with very clear instructions and you didn’t do it.
Democrats: What are you going to do, fire me? Look at your alternative, and you know you don’t want that.
Public: You’re right, we really don’t want those guys, but we don’t want you either. In fact, we don’t need any more bullshit from either of you.
Democrats: So what are you going to do? In the end you will pick the lesser of two evils, which means we will stay right where we are.
Public: You know, November 2008 is still a year and a half away, and we might be able to come up with something better than either of you.
Democrats: (snickering) Good luck.
Public: (readying the boot to go up the ass) Fuck You!
On Thursday a bird crapped on Resident Bush’s sleeve during an outdoor press conference in the Rose Garden, which is poetic justice considering that Bush has been shitting on everyone else for the past six years.
Researchers in Argentina released a study that says Viagra may help with jet lag. According to the report, lab rats that were given Viagra and exposed to the same elements that simulated jet lag recovered 50% faster. The other rats just fell asleep claiming they had headaches.
Former president and noble humanitarian, Jimmy Carter, made headlines this week when he referred to Resident Bush as the “worst [president] in history”. The GOP in their effort to be compassionate pounced on Carter like a cat on a dying bird claiming that he was irrelevant, amongst other slurs. I may not agree with President Carter (particularly his latest book), but instead of golfing or fishing, this guy is spending his retirement building houses for poor people, which is good considering the rate at which the worst president in history is creating poor people.
A pair of gay flamingos at a wildlife refuge in the UK have adopted an abandoned baby chick. Workers at the Slimbridge refuge noted that these two birds have been so desperate to have a family that they have seen them chase other birds away from their nest in order to sit on the eggs. Members of Focus on the Family wasted no time in researching the possibility of getting a court injunction against the bird adoption claiming that no fag bird is capable of raising a productive chick, and that despite designing a flaming pink bird with a weird beak and long, stick-like legs, G-d would consider this an abomination.
In Local News
June Daugherty, former UW Women’s Basketball coach and current WSU Basketball coach, suffered a heart attack earlier this week. Fortunately, she was close to a medical facility and was able to receive the attention she needed to quickly save her life. I’m a big fan of June. She was the coach at Boise State while I was there, then as I moved to Seattle, so did she, taking the helm of my new alma mater’s Women’s Basketball team. I was very pissed when UW sacked her after she delivered them a stellar record, and although she is now working for the rival team at WSU, my hope is that she makes a fantastic recovery and spends the next decade kicking UW’s basketball ass. June is a dedicated lady, and fantastic role model. If we had a little less Paris and a little more June in the world, life would be way more ideal.
Worthless Entertainment News
Scott Stapp, former vocalist for the quasi-Christian band Creed, was arrested in Florida on domestic violence related charges after his wife called police, because he came home drunk, high and violent. What I’m wondering now is, does anyone actually still give a damn about Creed? They were worthless when they were popular, and now that their music has been moved to the 99 cents bin isn’t there a better story out there? C’mon Lindsay has to be getting high and making an ass out of herself at some nightclub in L.A.
“The View” ladies, Rosie O’Donnell and Elisabeth Hasselbeck, got into it this week, when Lis decided to twist Rosie’s words using some Right Wing style punditry. Apparently Lis made the mistake of thinking she was Sean Hannity, and that Ro was Alan Colmes, which created a huge explosion when Ro proved that she wasn’t a patsy, kiss ass, bitch (like Colmes) and fired back. For the record, I like Rosie. She is mouthy, bold, and doesn’t give a fuck about being politically correct or mainstream. She says what we all want to say, but don’t have the balls to say for fear of making someone angry.
Some chick won “American Idol”, and now all the headlines are talking about her bright career. What about the guy who won it last year? What happened to his bright career, or the person who won it two years ago? Sorry chicky, but your bright career will come to a screeching halt the moment the next season of “Idol” begins. You may do the tour, but if you want a bright career, horde all of the money you can right now while you still have half of your 15 minutes left, and invest in a college education, because two years from now, you don’t want your bright career to include waitressing.
Assholes of the Week
Congressional Democrats – In the interest of time, I will refer you to the first entry in this Weekly Recap. For not doing what we told you to do, and for constantly being pussies when we needed you to have balls, Congressional Democrats, you are the Assholes of the Week.
3 comments:
You've got Republicans and Democrats, we've got Labour and Conservative. Same shit different country.
Flamingo's!!! The bloody gay lobby are getting everywhere these days. Well at least they're an attractive shade of pink.
"and for constantly being pussies when we needed you to have balls" While I most wholeheartedly agree with your political point here, could you maybe come up with a less misogynistic way of expressing it? Goodness knows pussy does not equal bad, and balls do not equal good, so what gives?
Anon - Sometimes you have to address them in language that they will understand, like when I have to talk to my toddler. I dumb it down a bit so she will understand Mommy, and I have to do the same for those in politics. Since most in politics are men, when hence the "pussies" reference. Maybe next time I'll use the term 'dickless wonder' if it doesn't sound too much like a run-on sentence.
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