Weekly Recap 9/24-30: Bitchslappin' Bill & GreenStone Grrls

Headline News Recap
Former President Bill Clinton gave Fox News a much-needed bitchslap this week when they tried to sideline him on Fox News Sunday. Chris Wallace attempted to nail the former president and take him to task for not doing enough about Osama bin Laden, but President Clinton was not having it. He handed Wallace his ass on a platter by stating that he had tried to take bin Laden out several times, and gave the Bush Administration all of the information they needed to make sure bin Laden was at the top of their killing list. Unfortunately, Bushy and pals didn’t do squat until September 11th and by then it was too late. What is also unfortunate is the fact that the only Democrat with balls has already been president. Note to Democrats: If the new contenders can’t dish it like Bill, then they aren’t worth the campaign dollars you plan to solicit me endlessly for.

There may be hope for half the country as a new report issued by USA Today says that 50% of Americans believe the falling gas prices have less to do with economics and more to do with political manipulation in lieu of the November elections. Finally, years of publicized conspiracy theories have paid off and we are finally experiencing the level of paranoia that makes people realize that there is a motive behind everything. My only hope is that this is the same group of Americans that happen to vote while creating underground political blogs, and are currently teaching the next generation to never trust the member of an American oil dynasty from Texas to regulate the price of gas. Thank you Art Bell, you are doing some good work!

Gloria Steinem, Jane Fonda, and a group of fabulous women have announced the formation of GreenStone Media. This national talk radio network will feature things that women are actually interested in such as politics, the lives of women in other countries, new ideas, healthcare issues, childrearing, and even “what to do with that frozen chicken.” This will replace the usual talk radio banter that features women spanking each other’s naked asses with raw fish in a competition for free breast implant surgery. Gloria and Jane, you arrived just in time!

Sir Richard Branson is continuing his space race this week with Virgin Galactic. This unique offshoot of Branson’s Virgin Atlantic has prototyped a space craft and expects to have passengers in space within the next three years. Virgin Galactic’s ticket prices are far more reasonable than their Russian competitors, and at a mere $200,000, they already have a waiting list. The 2 ½ hour flight will allow people to feel weightlessness and see the curvature of the earth. All my husband wants to know is how many frequent flier miles you need for two tickets into space, and does that come with a connecting flight through London Heathrow?

In Local News
It’s been nearly three months since I got my braces and they are still annoying me. Thankfully my teeth are falling into alignment quickly, so I’m likely to be rid of these damn things in May. Until then, I get to be one of those pretentious assholes at the mall who eats pizza with a knife and fork while figuring out a way to chew without my front top teeth coming down too hard on my front bottom teeth. I still can’t smile with a closed mouth, because I look like a frog when I do, and if I open my mouth too wide, I catch the inside of my cheeks on the brackets on my back teeth. It’s all about the glamour in Ms. Melanie’s house.

Attention Hounds Behaving Badly This Week
According to a report in Britain’s The Sunday Telegraph, the National Portrait Gallery’s exhibit of Soccer G-d David Beckham taking an hour-long snooze wasn’t that easy to put together, because Beckham furiously tried to control every aspect of the release of his image. He wouldn’t let the gallery use his image for postcards announcing the exhibit, and even made the photographer fork over 50% of the royalties to Beckham’s company. Hey David, don’t you have better things to do with your time like making sure your wife gets at least 500 calories per day, or not using your image to hock every product known to man? Just curious.

Bill O’Reilly has been pissing and moaning a lot these past couple of weeks in a toddler-like attempt to get attention. First he said the FBI told him that he was on an Al Qaeda “death list”, which is no surprise since he’s probably on a lot of people’s “death lists”. Then he bitched that he doesn’t get invited to parties much. Geez, with his sweet personality, I just don’t know why Billy isn’t A-List. Finally, the purpose behind O’Reilly’s glut of vocal diarrhea came out in the form of his new book in which he claims to defeat enemies by using “facts and superior analysis based on those facts.” If by facts O’Reilly means shit he made up, and by analysis he means yelling and cutting people off, then his book will probably be exactly what he wants it to be. He will continue not to be invited to parties, but at least he can sit back and claim that it’s, because he’s so superior to everyone kind of like that weird, obnoxious kid in class who pretended to be tragic, yet secretly listened to Wham.

Jackass 2 was the number one movie at the box office this week, which proves that: #1 Hollywood has now completely sold what little soul they had left to a bunch of 14 year old boys from the suburbs, and #2 that without the tree dangling wedgies and naked alligator wrestling Johnny Knoxville is just kinda boring.

Joe Francis, the head smutmeister at Girls Gone Wild, had to fork over half a million in fines after he pleaded guilty to charges that he failed to document the ages of the naked, drunken, supposedly “college-aged” sluts who appear in his DVD “documentaries.” Francis claims he wasn’t aware that some of the girls were underage, just like I’m not aware that I’m trapped in suburban hell with a farting dog, demanding toddler, and husband who constantly asks me where everything in the house is before actually looking for it. Nice try Joe.

Quote of the Week
“We vote the party, not the person.” – Delrose Winter, a Republican voter from Virginia when asked whether he would support George Allen in his bid for re-election despite mounting evidence that he is a racist, bully, and overall schmuck. It’s likely that Mr. Winter also believes George W. really cares about him and his little materials lab business, gas prices are lower because the economy is improving, and that the moon may indeed be made of cheese.