Weekly Recap 9/3-9: Murderous Stingrays & Gay Neocon Dads

In this era of over-stimulation, media hype, and fickle information posing as news, a story could be in one day and out the next. Therefore as a scholar of media, I feel it is my duty to begin a more honest weekly recap. Unlike news sources who have to bow to the views of their parent company, I won't slant issues, because my parents can’t fire me, in fact, they don’t even read this. I’m not like those annoying pundits who are trying to sell books and be quoted as "experts", because I have nothing to peddle and no one to impress. Basically, I'm telling it like it is, as always, so away we go.

Headline News Recap
Steve "Crocodile Hunter" Irwin was stabbed in the heart by a stingray while filming a documentary on the world's deadliest sea creatures. I am completely bummed, because I liked that crazy S.O.B. He was always happy, he was always excited about picking up icky things by their tails, and he is the only person I've ever seen who named a crocodile after his wife, because he said it had a "cute little bum". The Crocodile Hunter wasn't a normal fellow by any means, but he was good people. The sick, sad thing is that his untimely death was caught on tape, which means that no matter how honest and good the cameraman and producers are, it will end up on the internet, which is sad when you think about the fact that he has kids, and someday they might end up watching their Pops pull a stinger the size of an ice pick out of his chest then collapse. Here's to you Crocodile Hunter, at least your death was quick and clean, and not the way we all thought you'd meet your maker; torn to shreds by a pissed off croc.

Speaking of cold-blooded animals that enjoy killing, a new book about Karl Rove claims that Karl’s dad is gay. I thought Karl Rove was a miserable piece of human garbage before, but now I realize that he is downright evil. This was a guy who used the hatred of homosexuals to get his boy, Bushy, elected by whoring the gay marriage debate like a cheap pimp from the bad side of town. This latest revelation about Karl’s dad is creepy, because it makes me wonder how many more neocons have gays in their immediate family. Phyllis Schlafley, the broad who opposed every feminist cause from the get go, has a gay son, Dick Cheney has a gay daughter, Randall Terry, the Operation Rescue motherfucker, has a gay son, and now the architect of the neocon movement is the spawn of a gay man. Karma is one hell of a bitch isn’t it.

On another sweet karma note, British Prime Minister Tony Blair will be stepping down at the end of the year. This is so extremely unfair. All I have to say to the British is: How dare you oust Tony Blair. We Americans have to keep our asshole president for another two years, and you get to relieve your government of your schmuck! Not fair, not fair at all. C’mon British people, help your friends across the pond out a bit. Since you have more say in your government, make Tony take George with him when he hits the road. Please, I’m begging you!

In Local News
My neighbors continue to park their cars in front of my house, which is really annoying. They have two cars parked in their driveway, two cars in front of their house, and one in front of mine. Their adult son is in some sort of mechanic trade school, so three of those cars are his project cars. I guess it never occurred to his parents that when their boy is spending money on project cars, he’s not using his money for rent. I’m throwing a dinner party in exactly two weeks for Rosh Hashanah, and my guests better have enough room to park, or else.

Tabloid Recap (or Things I Don’t Give a Fuck about This Week)
I don’t care about Suri Cruise’s photo shoot. I don’t care about Paris Hilton’s drunk driving arrest. I don’t care about the pictures of Lindsay Lohan’s shaved pubes appearing on the internet. I don’t care about how anorexic Nicole Ritchie, Keira Knightley, and Mary-Kate Olson are. I don’t care if Jennifer Aniston is or isn’t engaged. I don’t care if Brad and Angelina are breaking up. And finally, I don’t care if Jessica Simpson is screwing John Mayer.

Quote of the Week
“I made a terrible mistake.” – Richard Armitage, former U.S. Deputy Secretary of State, referring to his so-called “accidental” outing of Valerie Plame Wilson as a CIA agent, and permanently winning a place in the “No Shit” Hall of Fame. Now if I could just believe that he actually did out Valerie and isn’t just serving as a neocon fall guy, perhaps all would be well in my world.