My friend Stacy was on the phone exasperated. She couldn’t quite put her finger on a description of her three-year-old son’s behavior.
“He doesn’t care. He just doesn’t fucking care. He tells me what I want to hear, and says, ‘Mommy, your hair is so pretty’ and its all bullshit. He tells us off and he’s just, he’s just…”
“An asshole.” I say giving her the perfect description for her toddler.
“Exactly!” she exclaims with a joy only felt through mutual understanding.
Every book, unwanted advice giver, family member, and all forms of media seem fixated on the terrible twos. Two-year-olds are tantrum-ridden demon spawn, but they don’t tell you what happens a mere 12 months later when their birthdays come around and two, two and a half, two and three-quarters, gives way to age three.
Today I will reveal the secret. I will lift this veil of fallacy. I will be the truth-teller who broadcasts the news to all who will hear me, and bring warning to those parents with sweet infants. Twos may be terrible, but at age three, your kid will turn into a complete asshole.
I remember waiting for the shit-storm that was supposed to be the terrible twos. Rachael was 26 months and still a pretty decent little girl. She would be fussy at times, but nothing awful. I thought for a moment that maybe I lucked out, and this whole “terrible two” thing was just one of those myths. The screaming and wailing seemed to come from out of nowhere. Rachael began kicking and flailing over something trivial sending chills down my spine as I knew I was looking at a bonafide terrible two.
We are less than a week away from Miss Rachael’s third birthday, and the tantrums are coming less and less. Unfortunately, the assholeness that is age three is taking hold with a vengeance. You can almost empathize with a two-year-old’s fits, because they lack the knowledge of language to verbalize their wants and needs, but by age three, they have not only mastered the spoken word, they know how to use it to get what they want.
Three-year-olds are masters of manipulation telling you exactly what you want to hear. I can’t even count the number of times I’ve sent Rachael to time-out only to hear her yelling, “I want to say ‘I’m sorry.’” She usually follows it up with, ‘I’ll be a good girl’ or ‘I love you, Mommy’. Of course the moment she is released from her three-minute time-out, she’s back to her same old bad behavior.
Three-year-olds are also completely narcissistic. They think only of themselves and walk around like mini emperors trying to test your limits. Stacy’s son will walk around the house during naptime telling his parents nonchalantly that he’s “sorry” about not hanging out in his room. Rachael will put her hands on her hips and tell me what she wants to do, and also inform me what I need to do.
“Mommy, make me peanut butter and jelly.” she’ll say. “I want it with some juice, and I want it now. Put it on the table.”
This is the same child who a mere two and a half years ago was my sweet, cuddly infant who would coo and smile and only fuss when she was hungry or wet. Now she can cry on command and throw herself against the couch in her best Vivian Leigh as Scarlet O’Hara moment. She will smile, act coy, and charm the daylights out of you, but if you cross her, Rachael will turn downright evil in two seconds. Frankly, it’s the damnedest thing I’ve ever seen.
We will celebrate her third birthday this weekend with all of the pomp and circumstance she has demanded and detailed extensively. However, I don’t know about the days that will follow. I will do my best to make that girl honest and put the kibosh on her asshole behavior, but like with everything else I’ve discovered in my parenting adventure, there will be no guidelines, no rules, and especially, no guarantees.
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Sunday, November 26, 2006
A Note to the Dora Marketing Bastards
It started so easy; my daughter’s love of Dora the Explorer. In the beginning, Rachael was 18 months and responded to the animated Latina’s annoyingly cute songs and brightly colored clothes. My little munchkin loved Dora’s sidekick, Boots the Monkey, and by watching Dora she could learn a little Spanish as a bonus. It seemed so harmless; after all, what real damage could an hour of Dora during the week do to a child.
Rachael’s love of Dora began turning the dangerous corner when she was nearing age two. Rachael wanted to watch Dora videos all of the time. Jeff and I tried to pepper in some Maisy, with a little bit of Miffy, and even tried to get her turned onto a little of our nostalgia with School House Rock, but she was having none of it. Maisy would last for a half hour, Miffy was fine for 20 minutes, but it always ended with Rachael screaming her devotion to Dora.
For her second birthday party we did a Dora theme, and little did I (the media scholar) realize we were enabling our girl’s addiction. Now, as we are coming to Rachael’s third birthday I am ashamed to admit that I have a fully functional Doraophile as a daughter.
Rachael informed us a month ago that her party was to be Dora-themed. She wanted a Dora cake, a Dora pinata, Dora plates, Dora napkins, Dora party favors, and all of the other Dora shit on the market. Fortunately, the branding ogres have thought ahead, and haven’t missed a beat creating all things Dora for a little girl’s birthday party.
Of course, it gets worse. I realized that my daughter’s obsession was getting out of hand when I was at the store at 10:00 PM on a Saturday night spending an ungodly amount of money on the Dora castle. If I was a heartless corporate marketing whore, I’d give a big “hats off” to those bastards who created the Dora the Explorer Magic Castle. Jeff and I managed to get the castle on sale at Toys ‘R’ Us for a low price thanks to a $3 off coupon, and $45 in gift cards. The catch is that the castle, much like a new home, is unfurnished.
Each room of furniture for the castle was $10, times five rooms, plus the royal characters, which also are sold separately, and at the end of the day, you’ve spent a disgusting amount of money on a toy. Jeff and I thought about slipping in another, generic dollhouse, and just buying the Dora castle figurines, but unfortunately, all of those hours of Dora have made our girl smart, and we weren’t going to get away with slipping her a fake castle. Rachael managed to memorize all of the cool things the Dora castle does by studying the display for 10 minutes. As I pushed her in the cart she went on and on about how you can use the special magic wand to make the Dora castle do fun things, and how the Dora castle talks to you.
My daughter’s obsession with Dora is now complete. She has all of Dora’s movies, most of the Dora dolls, Dora bath toys, the Dora talking kitchen, a set of Dora bedding, Dora games, Dora books, and now the over-priced Dora castle with the furniture and characters. To my credit, most of the Dora items in her playroom were gifts from family and friends. However, I should have put the kibosh on this a long time ago, but how could I have known that the innocent looking cartoon sweetie teaching my girl to count in both English and Spanish was really the figurehead for a mass marketing evil empire.
You may have won this round, marketing bastards, but this mommy is now wise to your game. I’m keeping an eye on my girl’s childhood obsessions from here out. In fact, I’ve already started her on a book series called Sweet Pickles. The Pickles are wholesome, teach good lessons, and are no longer in print. I buy her these second hand books from eBay and used bookstores. There are no Sweet Pickles bathroom sets, Sweet Pickles toys, Sweet Pickles DVD players, and best of all, no fucking Sweet Pickles magic castle with furniture and characters sold separately!
Rachael’s love of Dora began turning the dangerous corner when she was nearing age two. Rachael wanted to watch Dora videos all of the time. Jeff and I tried to pepper in some Maisy, with a little bit of Miffy, and even tried to get her turned onto a little of our nostalgia with School House Rock, but she was having none of it. Maisy would last for a half hour, Miffy was fine for 20 minutes, but it always ended with Rachael screaming her devotion to Dora.
For her second birthday party we did a Dora theme, and little did I (the media scholar) realize we were enabling our girl’s addiction. Now, as we are coming to Rachael’s third birthday I am ashamed to admit that I have a fully functional Doraophile as a daughter.
Rachael informed us a month ago that her party was to be Dora-themed. She wanted a Dora cake, a Dora pinata, Dora plates, Dora napkins, Dora party favors, and all of the other Dora shit on the market. Fortunately, the branding ogres have thought ahead, and haven’t missed a beat creating all things Dora for a little girl’s birthday party.
Of course, it gets worse. I realized that my daughter’s obsession was getting out of hand when I was at the store at 10:00 PM on a Saturday night spending an ungodly amount of money on the Dora castle. If I was a heartless corporate marketing whore, I’d give a big “hats off” to those bastards who created the Dora the Explorer Magic Castle. Jeff and I managed to get the castle on sale at Toys ‘R’ Us for a low price thanks to a $3 off coupon, and $45 in gift cards. The catch is that the castle, much like a new home, is unfurnished.
Each room of furniture for the castle was $10, times five rooms, plus the royal characters, which also are sold separately, and at the end of the day, you’ve spent a disgusting amount of money on a toy. Jeff and I thought about slipping in another, generic dollhouse, and just buying the Dora castle figurines, but unfortunately, all of those hours of Dora have made our girl smart, and we weren’t going to get away with slipping her a fake castle. Rachael managed to memorize all of the cool things the Dora castle does by studying the display for 10 minutes. As I pushed her in the cart she went on and on about how you can use the special magic wand to make the Dora castle do fun things, and how the Dora castle talks to you.
My daughter’s obsession with Dora is now complete. She has all of Dora’s movies, most of the Dora dolls, Dora bath toys, the Dora talking kitchen, a set of Dora bedding, Dora games, Dora books, and now the over-priced Dora castle with the furniture and characters. To my credit, most of the Dora items in her playroom were gifts from family and friends. However, I should have put the kibosh on this a long time ago, but how could I have known that the innocent looking cartoon sweetie teaching my girl to count in both English and Spanish was really the figurehead for a mass marketing evil empire.
You may have won this round, marketing bastards, but this mommy is now wise to your game. I’m keeping an eye on my girl’s childhood obsessions from here out. In fact, I’ve already started her on a book series called Sweet Pickles. The Pickles are wholesome, teach good lessons, and are no longer in print. I buy her these second hand books from eBay and used bookstores. There are no Sweet Pickles bathroom sets, Sweet Pickles toys, Sweet Pickles DVD players, and best of all, no fucking Sweet Pickles magic castle with furniture and characters sold separately!
Friday, November 24, 2006
Weekly Recap 11/19-25: Rupert Loves O.J. & Racist Kramer
Headline News Recap
The biggest story this week wasn’t the war, the colossal national debt, or even a natural disaster that hit someone somewhere. Hats off to the media for contributing nothing to the collective IQ of the nation as they went non-stop with O.J., O.J., O.J. This week O.J.’s book, which some speculate is a confession, was shelved by Judith Regan’s publishing company, which is owned by Rupert Murdoch’s evil empire, News Corporation. News Corporation also pulled the multi-hour interview special from its Fox channels, claiming that the whole exploitation would have been bad for the reputation of the company. Reputation!?! Considering that this is the same company that aired that midget dating show, this whole boycott of all things O.J. is pure bullshit. The book and the interview will come out, and due to the controversy, it will end up making five times the original income projections. Rupert Murdoch doesn’t give a flying fuck about offending people. This was the same guy who two weeks ago said that the loss of only 3,000 American troops was insignificant in terms of a war. O.J. is an asshole, but Rupert is an evil bastard, and neither one of them deserve a dime of hardworking people’s money.
A big blow to democracy and peace came this week with the assassination of Lebanese Cabinet Minister Pierre Gemayel. The anti-Syrian Gemayel was brutally gunned down in Beirut, making him the sixth anti-Syrian politician murdered in the past two years. Gemayel had a lot going against him; he was a Christian which rubbed the wingnuts in Hezbollah wrong, he was anti-Syrian which pissed off the Syrian occupiers, and he was a democratically elected official, which doesn’t seem to go over too well in that area.
Wednesday lactating mamas held “nurse-in” rallies at over 30 airports to protest an incident where a mom and her family were kicked off a Delta Airlines flight, because she offended a flight attendant by not throwing a bulky, smothering blanket over her nursing infant’s head during the breast-feeding process. The woman and her family were escorted off the plane and re-assigned to a different flight the next day. To the flight attendant who was offended I say, “Get a life, you miserable cunt!” and to Delta Airlines, “You are giving flight attendants way too much power.” There is a big difference between a possible terrorist and a mama who is nurturing her child in the most natural way. Sorry people, but boobies aren’t just for looking at.
Hunger no longer exists in the U.S. A new report by the U.S. Department of Agriculture has decided to drop the word “hunger” from its lingo claiming that the term “very low food security” was a more accurate description. Under this new U.S. government language re-assignment we can say that the Hurricane Katrina survivors aren’t “homeless” they are “currently in residential transition” and that America doesn’t have an “obesity problem” it simply has citizens who “enjoy a leisurely lifestyle and a chemically-enriched diet a little too much.”
Former Russian Spy, Alexander Litvinenko, died Thursday night after being poisoned nearly a month ago. He had been a vocal critic of Vladimir Putin’s government, and had been investigating the murder of a Russian journalist who was investigating Putin. I guess the old Soviet ideal of “shut the fuck up or we’ll kill you” isn’t dead after all.
In Local News
Last week’s Blackest of the Black tour was amazing. If you are on the West Coast and have a chance to see it, do yourself a favor! Jeff and I saw the movie, Borat, and laughed ourselves silly. The scene with the fat, naked guy is a little gross, but we nearly pissed ourselves through the entire flick. Do yourself another favor and see this movie.
Even though it’s Black Friday, and there are a lot of good deals, I’m not going shopping. It’s not the crowds or the competition or the long wait in check out lines keeping me away, it’s the Christmas music. If I had the choice between gouging my own eye out with a plastic spork from KFC or listening to two straight hours of “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree”, I would end up crying in a corner, babbling to myself like a crazy person, and fidgeting with the spork’s plastic wrapping. Seriously, that annoying song and “Santa Baby” make me want to gun down the mall elves.
Celebrities Who Amused Me This Week
Michael Richards, the actor who portrayed the beloved character Kramer on the show Seinfeld, became the darling of every morning zoo radio talk show this week. Apparently he was performing at a club where two black guys were heckling, and then Richards went off on an “n-word” laced tirade for several minutes. He is now pulling something of a Mel Gibson claiming that he isn’t a racist, and just lost his head. Michael, I’ve lost my head a few times, and like Mel, I’ve been pretty drunk, but unlike either of you, I have never gone off on a hateful, racist tantrum. Most of the time I’ve just ended up laughing myself silly, and making out with the ugly guy.
Fox News said there are plans in the works to come out with a right-wing version of The Daily Show. This will prove to be both interesting and challenging since right-wing lunatics usually don’t have a sense of humor.
Fox News seems to be on a roll this week as their own bespeckled blowhard Neil Cavuto claimed that the new kids movie about penguins, Happy Feet, was nothing more than an animated version of An Inconvenient Truth, because it had the nerve to feature an adult penguin with one of those plastic six-pack holder things stuck around its neck and talk about ice caps melting. Not since the whole “The purple Teletubbie is a fag” thing have I heard such asinine shit. However, there is a message to be heard, so for the last time; Fox wants nothing to do with truth, obvious, inconvenient or otherwise! No more truth!
So-called Magician, David Blaine, did another “trick” this week by escaping from a gyroscope hoisted above New York’s Times Square after two days of being strapped to the spinning device. As with all of David Blaine’s “magic tricks” I have to ask, ‘what about this is magic?’ If I wanted to see someone vomiting atop a building in New York City, I’d watch a model during her photo shoot lunch break.
Quote of the Week
“We’re going to have tough days ahead of us.” – Ken Johnson, spokesman for the Pharmaceutical Research and Manufacturers of America on the recent elections where many of their Republican allies lost House and Senate seats to Democrats.
Good! This was a whole article about how lobbyists who work for drug, oil, and environmentally damaging companies are shaking in their boots, because the Dems might not be as susceptible to the bribes for lenient legislation, unlike their Republican predecessors. I truly hope this is the case, because democracy isn’t democracy if they aren’t working for we the people. Besides, they’d better watch their ass, because when democracy fails, the politicians and the power elite are usually the first ones to get gunned down in a violent, citizen uprising. Alternative history books don’t lie; unlike the whitewashed shit they made us read at school.
The biggest story this week wasn’t the war, the colossal national debt, or even a natural disaster that hit someone somewhere. Hats off to the media for contributing nothing to the collective IQ of the nation as they went non-stop with O.J., O.J., O.J. This week O.J.’s book, which some speculate is a confession, was shelved by Judith Regan’s publishing company, which is owned by Rupert Murdoch’s evil empire, News Corporation. News Corporation also pulled the multi-hour interview special from its Fox channels, claiming that the whole exploitation would have been bad for the reputation of the company. Reputation!?! Considering that this is the same company that aired that midget dating show, this whole boycott of all things O.J. is pure bullshit. The book and the interview will come out, and due to the controversy, it will end up making five times the original income projections. Rupert Murdoch doesn’t give a flying fuck about offending people. This was the same guy who two weeks ago said that the loss of only 3,000 American troops was insignificant in terms of a war. O.J. is an asshole, but Rupert is an evil bastard, and neither one of them deserve a dime of hardworking people’s money.
A big blow to democracy and peace came this week with the assassination of Lebanese Cabinet Minister Pierre Gemayel. The anti-Syrian Gemayel was brutally gunned down in Beirut, making him the sixth anti-Syrian politician murdered in the past two years. Gemayel had a lot going against him; he was a Christian which rubbed the wingnuts in Hezbollah wrong, he was anti-Syrian which pissed off the Syrian occupiers, and he was a democratically elected official, which doesn’t seem to go over too well in that area.
Wednesday lactating mamas held “nurse-in” rallies at over 30 airports to protest an incident where a mom and her family were kicked off a Delta Airlines flight, because she offended a flight attendant by not throwing a bulky, smothering blanket over her nursing infant’s head during the breast-feeding process. The woman and her family were escorted off the plane and re-assigned to a different flight the next day. To the flight attendant who was offended I say, “Get a life, you miserable cunt!” and to Delta Airlines, “You are giving flight attendants way too much power.” There is a big difference between a possible terrorist and a mama who is nurturing her child in the most natural way. Sorry people, but boobies aren’t just for looking at.
Hunger no longer exists in the U.S. A new report by the U.S. Department of Agriculture has decided to drop the word “hunger” from its lingo claiming that the term “very low food security” was a more accurate description. Under this new U.S. government language re-assignment we can say that the Hurricane Katrina survivors aren’t “homeless” they are “currently in residential transition” and that America doesn’t have an “obesity problem” it simply has citizens who “enjoy a leisurely lifestyle and a chemically-enriched diet a little too much.”
Former Russian Spy, Alexander Litvinenko, died Thursday night after being poisoned nearly a month ago. He had been a vocal critic of Vladimir Putin’s government, and had been investigating the murder of a Russian journalist who was investigating Putin. I guess the old Soviet ideal of “shut the fuck up or we’ll kill you” isn’t dead after all.
In Local News
Last week’s Blackest of the Black tour was amazing. If you are on the West Coast and have a chance to see it, do yourself a favor! Jeff and I saw the movie, Borat, and laughed ourselves silly. The scene with the fat, naked guy is a little gross, but we nearly pissed ourselves through the entire flick. Do yourself another favor and see this movie.
Even though it’s Black Friday, and there are a lot of good deals, I’m not going shopping. It’s not the crowds or the competition or the long wait in check out lines keeping me away, it’s the Christmas music. If I had the choice between gouging my own eye out with a plastic spork from KFC or listening to two straight hours of “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree”, I would end up crying in a corner, babbling to myself like a crazy person, and fidgeting with the spork’s plastic wrapping. Seriously, that annoying song and “Santa Baby” make me want to gun down the mall elves.
Celebrities Who Amused Me This Week
Michael Richards, the actor who portrayed the beloved character Kramer on the show Seinfeld, became the darling of every morning zoo radio talk show this week. Apparently he was performing at a club where two black guys were heckling, and then Richards went off on an “n-word” laced tirade for several minutes. He is now pulling something of a Mel Gibson claiming that he isn’t a racist, and just lost his head. Michael, I’ve lost my head a few times, and like Mel, I’ve been pretty drunk, but unlike either of you, I have never gone off on a hateful, racist tantrum. Most of the time I’ve just ended up laughing myself silly, and making out with the ugly guy.
Fox News said there are plans in the works to come out with a right-wing version of The Daily Show. This will prove to be both interesting and challenging since right-wing lunatics usually don’t have a sense of humor.
Fox News seems to be on a roll this week as their own bespeckled blowhard Neil Cavuto claimed that the new kids movie about penguins, Happy Feet, was nothing more than an animated version of An Inconvenient Truth, because it had the nerve to feature an adult penguin with one of those plastic six-pack holder things stuck around its neck and talk about ice caps melting. Not since the whole “The purple Teletubbie is a fag” thing have I heard such asinine shit. However, there is a message to be heard, so for the last time; Fox wants nothing to do with truth, obvious, inconvenient or otherwise! No more truth!
So-called Magician, David Blaine, did another “trick” this week by escaping from a gyroscope hoisted above New York’s Times Square after two days of being strapped to the spinning device. As with all of David Blaine’s “magic tricks” I have to ask, ‘what about this is magic?’ If I wanted to see someone vomiting atop a building in New York City, I’d watch a model during her photo shoot lunch break.
Quote of the Week
“We’re going to have tough days ahead of us.” – Ken Johnson, spokesman for the Pharmaceutical Research and Manufacturers of America on the recent elections where many of their Republican allies lost House and Senate seats to Democrats.
Good! This was a whole article about how lobbyists who work for drug, oil, and environmentally damaging companies are shaking in their boots, because the Dems might not be as susceptible to the bribes for lenient legislation, unlike their Republican predecessors. I truly hope this is the case, because democracy isn’t democracy if they aren’t working for we the people. Besides, they’d better watch their ass, because when democracy fails, the politicians and the power elite are usually the first ones to get gunned down in a violent, citizen uprising. Alternative history books don’t lie; unlike the whitewashed shit they made us read at school.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Hey Kids, How About an Ice-Cold Draft
Representative Charles Rangel said he would initiate legislation that would essentially revive the draft. Rangel wants all able-bodied Americans between the ages of 18-42 to serve two years of mandatory military service. My first reaction was, ‘you’ve got to be kidding me.’ However, before the Republican media bandwagon and anti-war activists start sharpening the stick at both ends for the Representative’s head, we should look at his reasoning (albeit misguided) as to why he would ever want to do such a thing.
Rangel says the main reason he is calling for a requirement of military service is that perhaps those in Congress wouldn’t have been so quick to support Resident Bush in his war lust if it was their kid who might be sent to Iraq. He also says that minorities and the lower income Americans bear the largest burden of service, and by instituting mandatory military service, it will even out the playing field.
I completely understand Rangel’s frustration at watching young people die while realizing that many of them come from low-income households where it’s often military service or unemployment. I also realize that the bulk of the Americans dying in Iraq don’t have white faces, and I agree with Rangel’s desire to bring about some urgency to the issue of war in general, but instituting mandatory military service will accomplish none of his goals.
The Resident is the best example of why Rangel’s policy will fail. During Vietnam, Bush served loosely in the National Guard, because Resident Bush Sr. was rich and powerful enough to get his idiot son out of being exported to Southeast Asia. Perhaps Daddy knew even then that Georgie wasn’t cut out for intense stress, and after all, the idea of G.W. with a machine gun is enough to scare the daylights out of even the bravest person. Our own president got out of his duty solely, because of influence; therefore Rangel’s idea that Congress won’t be so quick to vote in war is mute. The power elite will always be able to protect their own, and they will still not care about sending anybody else’s kids to war. Do you honestly think Donald Trump’s children will have to wake to the sounds of trumpets before dawn or do a 20-mile hike in the rain? Can you realistically see Jenna and Barbara Bush in boot camp?
The burden of defending this country, even if Rangel’s policy had a prayer (which it doesn’t), will still fall on the minorities and lower classes. The only thing that would change would be the impact on the middle class, which is already being squeezed into extinction. Regular kids from the ‘burbs would end up serving, but I guarantee it wouldn’t be for long. Their Baby-Boomer parents would turn out in droves to vote for the first candidate that agreed to repeal mandatory military service, thus creating a huge bureaucracy to institute the program, then another to dissolve it.
The fact is the majority of this country is made up of lazy, spoiled brats who love their freedom as long as they don’t have to get off their asses or forego an hour of PlayStation to do anything for it. Less than 40% of those eligible to vote turned out for this last election, which confirms my ‘lazy bastards’ theory. Most countries have a mandatory two-year military service requirement for all able-bodied citizens, so in the United States we have gotten off relatively easy.
I understand where Chuck Rangel is coming from. For years, we have watched this terrible war waged for oil, power, and elitist corporate profits at the expense of 3,000 dead kids and 10,000+ injured civilians whose medical expenses us working folks will have to cover. However, if the volunteer military system has worked for this long, then there is something we are doing right.
At this point, we need to focus less on staffing the war, and more on giving a boot to the asses of those who got us in the war in the first place. We need to involve a coalition of Middle Eastern countries to help us solve this mess, because we obviously can’t deal with those crazy bastards and their civil war, so we might as well admit we fucked up and get the people in place who know how to end this thing.
Mainly, we need to put Rangel’s idea of mandatory military service to rest, because the last people I trust with making decisions about my kid’s life are the same group of schmucks who started this all of this bullshit to begin with.
Rangel says the main reason he is calling for a requirement of military service is that perhaps those in Congress wouldn’t have been so quick to support Resident Bush in his war lust if it was their kid who might be sent to Iraq. He also says that minorities and the lower income Americans bear the largest burden of service, and by instituting mandatory military service, it will even out the playing field.
I completely understand Rangel’s frustration at watching young people die while realizing that many of them come from low-income households where it’s often military service or unemployment. I also realize that the bulk of the Americans dying in Iraq don’t have white faces, and I agree with Rangel’s desire to bring about some urgency to the issue of war in general, but instituting mandatory military service will accomplish none of his goals.
The Resident is the best example of why Rangel’s policy will fail. During Vietnam, Bush served loosely in the National Guard, because Resident Bush Sr. was rich and powerful enough to get his idiot son out of being exported to Southeast Asia. Perhaps Daddy knew even then that Georgie wasn’t cut out for intense stress, and after all, the idea of G.W. with a machine gun is enough to scare the daylights out of even the bravest person. Our own president got out of his duty solely, because of influence; therefore Rangel’s idea that Congress won’t be so quick to vote in war is mute. The power elite will always be able to protect their own, and they will still not care about sending anybody else’s kids to war. Do you honestly think Donald Trump’s children will have to wake to the sounds of trumpets before dawn or do a 20-mile hike in the rain? Can you realistically see Jenna and Barbara Bush in boot camp?
The burden of defending this country, even if Rangel’s policy had a prayer (which it doesn’t), will still fall on the minorities and lower classes. The only thing that would change would be the impact on the middle class, which is already being squeezed into extinction. Regular kids from the ‘burbs would end up serving, but I guarantee it wouldn’t be for long. Their Baby-Boomer parents would turn out in droves to vote for the first candidate that agreed to repeal mandatory military service, thus creating a huge bureaucracy to institute the program, then another to dissolve it.
The fact is the majority of this country is made up of lazy, spoiled brats who love their freedom as long as they don’t have to get off their asses or forego an hour of PlayStation to do anything for it. Less than 40% of those eligible to vote turned out for this last election, which confirms my ‘lazy bastards’ theory. Most countries have a mandatory two-year military service requirement for all able-bodied citizens, so in the United States we have gotten off relatively easy.
I understand where Chuck Rangel is coming from. For years, we have watched this terrible war waged for oil, power, and elitist corporate profits at the expense of 3,000 dead kids and 10,000+ injured civilians whose medical expenses us working folks will have to cover. However, if the volunteer military system has worked for this long, then there is something we are doing right.
At this point, we need to focus less on staffing the war, and more on giving a boot to the asses of those who got us in the war in the first place. We need to involve a coalition of Middle Eastern countries to help us solve this mess, because we obviously can’t deal with those crazy bastards and their civil war, so we might as well admit we fucked up and get the people in place who know how to end this thing.
Mainly, we need to put Rangel’s idea of mandatory military service to rest, because the last people I trust with making decisions about my kid’s life are the same group of schmucks who started this all of this bullshit to begin with.
Sunday, November 19, 2006
Divorce, Hollywood Style
Hollywood and the pop culture media loves a big, beautiful, expensive, celebrity-filled wedding. They do major spreads in magazines, talk incessantly about the betrothed couple, and even interrupt actual news to give a synopsis of the happy occasion. For the entire month leading up to the Tom Cruise-Katie Holmes wedding hours of airtime and many column inches of press have been dedicated to talking about everything from the cake to the dress to those crazy Scientology vows. Even the CNN ticker has been working overtime tracking the couple’s whereabouts. By now, the only thing the media loves more than a glamorous celebrity wedding is a knock-down, drag-out celebrity divorce.
They make it look so easy; the whole getting divorced business. All Brittney had to do to was text message her husband with the bad news (far better from having to have an actual heart-to-heart conversation), get a trendy, new haircut and a designer black dress that showed off her boobs, and she was off, hitting the town and living her “new life”. Never mind the fact that the couple has two kids, one of whom is only two months old. Brittney needs to start dating again; after all, it will make for much better drama in the exciting new divorce show.
As someone who has been through a divorce, I can tell you that it isn’t as simple as Hollywood makes it out to be. There is a lot of paperwork, uncomfortable conversations, you have to appear in court, and oh yeah, there’s the whole emotional aspect. I’m not naïve and I don’t expect Hollywood to portray anything like it happens in the real world, but the same media that snickers with headlines about Brittney vs. Kevin is the one that keeps asking why the divorce rate in this country is out of control.
Now that Tom and Katie are hitched, and since Jessica Simpson seems to be keeping her dating low key (the nerve of her), we are likely to be watching divorce dramas clear into the New Year. Whether it is Spears/Federline or Witherspoon/Philippe, the media is planning a heyday of epic proportions with heroes, villains, heartbreak, and fake, exaggerated tears complete with Barbara Walters soothing the sobbing party.
To fast-forward you through all of the bullshit, here is how the Brittney/Kevin divorce will play out in the media. Brittney is currently revealing her “new, single” self, and waving her prenup like a victory flag. The only thing Miss “Ooops” forgot was that 50% of her kids is made up of her soon-to-be ex-hubby’s DNA, which means he’s not going to go away, and by law, he doesn’t have to. Now Kevin is showing the brains we all didn’t think he had, and giving Brittney’s mom fits by asking for custody of their two kids. The sick, sad thing is that this guy has two other kids by the chick he dumped, while she was pregnant, to hook up with Brit-Brit, so the custody thing is basically about money rather than love for the kids.
They will be back and forth in the media over the next few months. Brittney will play the victim, and do the whole sobbing to the same reporters she was smiling at only three months ago while talking about how she was happy just being a married housewife with kids. Kevin will switch from bad guy to victim on a month to month basis doing his own interviews whining about what a superbitch Brittney could be, and how he was just trying to be the kind, dutiful husband to a demanding diva.
In the end, after court battles that make lawyers rich and celebrity pundits wet and hard, it will finally end with the failure of Brittney’s “comeback” album (especially since her audience is well over puberty age and she has nothing to come back to), and Kevin being relegated to the same trivia status enjoyed by guys such as Kato Kalen, Larry Fortensky, and that kid who got caned in that Asian country for spray-painting cars.
The world won’t be a better place, everyone’s I.Q. will be lower than it is now, and somewhere there will be some dingy broad who thinks that all she has to do to end her marriage is get a fun, new haircut, and a dress that shows off her boobs, and hit the town.
They make it look so easy; the whole getting divorced business. All Brittney had to do to was text message her husband with the bad news (far better from having to have an actual heart-to-heart conversation), get a trendy, new haircut and a designer black dress that showed off her boobs, and she was off, hitting the town and living her “new life”. Never mind the fact that the couple has two kids, one of whom is only two months old. Brittney needs to start dating again; after all, it will make for much better drama in the exciting new divorce show.
As someone who has been through a divorce, I can tell you that it isn’t as simple as Hollywood makes it out to be. There is a lot of paperwork, uncomfortable conversations, you have to appear in court, and oh yeah, there’s the whole emotional aspect. I’m not naïve and I don’t expect Hollywood to portray anything like it happens in the real world, but the same media that snickers with headlines about Brittney vs. Kevin is the one that keeps asking why the divorce rate in this country is out of control.
Now that Tom and Katie are hitched, and since Jessica Simpson seems to be keeping her dating low key (the nerve of her), we are likely to be watching divorce dramas clear into the New Year. Whether it is Spears/Federline or Witherspoon/Philippe, the media is planning a heyday of epic proportions with heroes, villains, heartbreak, and fake, exaggerated tears complete with Barbara Walters soothing the sobbing party.
To fast-forward you through all of the bullshit, here is how the Brittney/Kevin divorce will play out in the media. Brittney is currently revealing her “new, single” self, and waving her prenup like a victory flag. The only thing Miss “Ooops” forgot was that 50% of her kids is made up of her soon-to-be ex-hubby’s DNA, which means he’s not going to go away, and by law, he doesn’t have to. Now Kevin is showing the brains we all didn’t think he had, and giving Brittney’s mom fits by asking for custody of their two kids. The sick, sad thing is that this guy has two other kids by the chick he dumped, while she was pregnant, to hook up with Brit-Brit, so the custody thing is basically about money rather than love for the kids.
They will be back and forth in the media over the next few months. Brittney will play the victim, and do the whole sobbing to the same reporters she was smiling at only three months ago while talking about how she was happy just being a married housewife with kids. Kevin will switch from bad guy to victim on a month to month basis doing his own interviews whining about what a superbitch Brittney could be, and how he was just trying to be the kind, dutiful husband to a demanding diva.
In the end, after court battles that make lawyers rich and celebrity pundits wet and hard, it will finally end with the failure of Brittney’s “comeback” album (especially since her audience is well over puberty age and she has nothing to come back to), and Kevin being relegated to the same trivia status enjoyed by guys such as Kato Kalen, Larry Fortensky, and that kid who got caned in that Asian country for spray-painting cars.
The world won’t be a better place, everyone’s I.Q. will be lower than it is now, and somewhere there will be some dingy broad who thinks that all she has to do to end her marriage is get a fun, new haircut, and a dress that shows off her boobs, and hit the town.
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Weekly Recap 11/12-18: Cold Nerd Balls & Jail Bait
Headline News Recap
Nerds everywhere are freezing their unused balls off this very moment waiting for the release of PlayStation III. Earlier in the week, Microsoft released its challenge to Apple’s iPod called Zune. I’m sure the nerds were excited about this as well, but they didn’t feel it was worth icing their scrotum on a hard sidewalk. The next time we are likely to see a bunch of grown men with no lives waiting in line to shell out an assload of cash for something that gives a lot of promises, but only wastes your life, will probably be the lobbyist train courting the candidates in the 2008 elections.
Pakistan proved that it was a lovable and cuddly country again this week by telling women that their word, physical and DNA evidence might be enough to bring rape charges. Under the old Islamic law, a rape victim had to bring four male witnesses to vouch for the rape. If rape was not proven, such as having only one or two male witnesses, the woman could be tried and convicted as an adulterer. I don’t know what books they’ve been reading in Pakistan, but usually when four guys witness a rape, it’s because they’re involved in it, hence the Catch 22. Of course there were mass protests by Islamic clerics, because, damn it, if they can’t stone a rape victim to death for speaking up, then what ever will they do for entertainment on a Friday night? You know, the next time someone tells me that Islam is a peaceful religion, I’m just going to shake my head and walk away in disgust.
Speaking of disgust, the Republicans (also trying to prove they are lovable and cuddly) welcomed Trent Lott back into the leadership fold by making him the Senate Minority Leader. Republicans, don’t you get it? The country doesn’t like your neocon regime! Didn’t that little election thingy last Tuesday tell you something! We want these assholes gone, do you hear us, gone!
Since we are on the subject of assholes, the final Enron executive to be tried was sentenced to 5 ½ years in prison and fined $1.25 million dollars. Richard Causey was Enron’s chief accounting officer, and took part in altering the books, so that he and the other crooks could rob the company blind and leave its hardworking employees broke and pensionless. Hey Causey, enjoy your time in prison, and don’t drop the soap.
Continuing the topic of prison, Jack Abramoff, the Republican Party lobbyist who bribed politicians and traded favors for political influence began serving his six year sentence for fraud. Abramoff, you are an embarrassment to the Jewish people, and all those who hold the idea of democracy close to their hearts. I hope you and Causey have a great time behind bars, and once again, don’t drop the soap.
The Socialist Party in France has backed Segolene Royal as its nominee, which means their victory would make her the first female president. England has had a female Prime Minister, Germany has a woman as its leader, and even many African countries have ladies running their government. Okay, United States, by now you must realize that you don’t need a penis to run a country, so if I don’t see more ladies on the ballot in the next go ‘round, then you are going to force me to seriously think about running for office, and trust me, the last thing you want is a foul-mouthed punk voting on legislation.
In Local News
The 10-day weather forecast has given me the inspiration to complete the final construction of the ark. It’s been raining like a son-of-a-bitch, more so than normal, here in the Seattle area. Roads are flooded, basements are filled with water, and I haven’t been able to wear a decent pair of Mary Jane shoes in nearly a month. I’m all for a little of the wet stuff, but not when it makes my hair look like a Brillo pad. Enough already!
By the way, I’ll be at the Blackest of the Black show on Friday night featuring Danzig and Lacuna Coil at The Fenix. I would encourage anyone in the area to grab some black clothing, $27, a good set of earplugs, and come on out to the show. I’ll be the one in the long, purple jacket standing on my toes, craning my neck, trying to see over the 7’ tall guy who always ends up standing in front of me.
Celebrities Who Pissed Me off This Week
O.J. Simpson is back in the news, because the world didn’t quite get its fill of him during that damn murder trial. He has a book, and there might be a confession, and Fred Goldman is on TV pissed off again, and aren’t we completely sick of this whole story yet? The guy probably killed his wife, and got away with it, because the prosecution was inept and his defense used the race card. The whole situation is an embarrassment to the American justice system, so let’s bury it for good, and move on.
In case you are blind, deaf, and living in a remote cave in the middle of nowhere, Brittney Spears dumped her deadbeat husband, Kevin Federline, and (what a shock) the divorce is getting ugly. She claims to have an “iron clad” pre-nup, but get real, she filed for divorce in Los Angeles where lawyers have made finding loopholes in “iron clad” pre-nups an art form. Brittney, take my advice, pay him off, keep your kids, and move on with your life. No amount of money is worth his sorry ass hanging around.
If you are still living in a cave and happen to still be deaf and blind, then you also don’t know that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are getting married in Rome. Who the fuck cares! They had a kid, they aren’t letting press into the wedding, and frankly, the guy in his underwear from Risky Business marrying the chick from Dawson’s Creek just doesn’t do anything for me…accept annoy me.
Quote of the Week
“If this was any other coach…this would be a non-issue.” – Commentator Fran Fraschilla to ESPN about Texas Tech Basketball Coach (and raving lunatic) Bobby Knight slapping one of his players during a game.
I think this might go under the “No Shit” file, but not for the reasons Fran is referring to. He thinks the slapping incident is only an issue, because of Bobby’s unique and “heavy handed” or “controversial” coaching style. This belongs in the “No Shit” file, because Bobby’s coaching “style” is abusive. If he didn’t win games, he would be in jail! I would never let my kid play on a team coached by this man, because I don’t hit my kid and I don’t want anyone else to either. Isn’t it sad that our society is so in love with sports and winning sports games that we let guys like Bobby Knight continue to work with kids, when he clearly can’t keep it in check? Bobby, you’re a fucking lunatic and you don’t belong coaching kids. Tony Robbins has an “unorthodox” coaching style, you are just an asshole.
Have a great Thanksgiving everyone! And to those outside of the U.S., bond with your American brethren, eat a turkey sandwich on Thursday and think about large balloons floating down the streets of New York City.
Nerds everywhere are freezing their unused balls off this very moment waiting for the release of PlayStation III. Earlier in the week, Microsoft released its challenge to Apple’s iPod called Zune. I’m sure the nerds were excited about this as well, but they didn’t feel it was worth icing their scrotum on a hard sidewalk. The next time we are likely to see a bunch of grown men with no lives waiting in line to shell out an assload of cash for something that gives a lot of promises, but only wastes your life, will probably be the lobbyist train courting the candidates in the 2008 elections.
Pakistan proved that it was a lovable and cuddly country again this week by telling women that their word, physical and DNA evidence might be enough to bring rape charges. Under the old Islamic law, a rape victim had to bring four male witnesses to vouch for the rape. If rape was not proven, such as having only one or two male witnesses, the woman could be tried and convicted as an adulterer. I don’t know what books they’ve been reading in Pakistan, but usually when four guys witness a rape, it’s because they’re involved in it, hence the Catch 22. Of course there were mass protests by Islamic clerics, because, damn it, if they can’t stone a rape victim to death for speaking up, then what ever will they do for entertainment on a Friday night? You know, the next time someone tells me that Islam is a peaceful religion, I’m just going to shake my head and walk away in disgust.
Speaking of disgust, the Republicans (also trying to prove they are lovable and cuddly) welcomed Trent Lott back into the leadership fold by making him the Senate Minority Leader. Republicans, don’t you get it? The country doesn’t like your neocon regime! Didn’t that little election thingy last Tuesday tell you something! We want these assholes gone, do you hear us, gone!
Since we are on the subject of assholes, the final Enron executive to be tried was sentenced to 5 ½ years in prison and fined $1.25 million dollars. Richard Causey was Enron’s chief accounting officer, and took part in altering the books, so that he and the other crooks could rob the company blind and leave its hardworking employees broke and pensionless. Hey Causey, enjoy your time in prison, and don’t drop the soap.
Continuing the topic of prison, Jack Abramoff, the Republican Party lobbyist who bribed politicians and traded favors for political influence began serving his six year sentence for fraud. Abramoff, you are an embarrassment to the Jewish people, and all those who hold the idea of democracy close to their hearts. I hope you and Causey have a great time behind bars, and once again, don’t drop the soap.
The Socialist Party in France has backed Segolene Royal as its nominee, which means their victory would make her the first female president. England has had a female Prime Minister, Germany has a woman as its leader, and even many African countries have ladies running their government. Okay, United States, by now you must realize that you don’t need a penis to run a country, so if I don’t see more ladies on the ballot in the next go ‘round, then you are going to force me to seriously think about running for office, and trust me, the last thing you want is a foul-mouthed punk voting on legislation.
In Local News
The 10-day weather forecast has given me the inspiration to complete the final construction of the ark. It’s been raining like a son-of-a-bitch, more so than normal, here in the Seattle area. Roads are flooded, basements are filled with water, and I haven’t been able to wear a decent pair of Mary Jane shoes in nearly a month. I’m all for a little of the wet stuff, but not when it makes my hair look like a Brillo pad. Enough already!
By the way, I’ll be at the Blackest of the Black show on Friday night featuring Danzig and Lacuna Coil at The Fenix. I would encourage anyone in the area to grab some black clothing, $27, a good set of earplugs, and come on out to the show. I’ll be the one in the long, purple jacket standing on my toes, craning my neck, trying to see over the 7’ tall guy who always ends up standing in front of me.
Celebrities Who Pissed Me off This Week
O.J. Simpson is back in the news, because the world didn’t quite get its fill of him during that damn murder trial. He has a book, and there might be a confession, and Fred Goldman is on TV pissed off again, and aren’t we completely sick of this whole story yet? The guy probably killed his wife, and got away with it, because the prosecution was inept and his defense used the race card. The whole situation is an embarrassment to the American justice system, so let’s bury it for good, and move on.
In case you are blind, deaf, and living in a remote cave in the middle of nowhere, Brittney Spears dumped her deadbeat husband, Kevin Federline, and (what a shock) the divorce is getting ugly. She claims to have an “iron clad” pre-nup, but get real, she filed for divorce in Los Angeles where lawyers have made finding loopholes in “iron clad” pre-nups an art form. Brittney, take my advice, pay him off, keep your kids, and move on with your life. No amount of money is worth his sorry ass hanging around.
If you are still living in a cave and happen to still be deaf and blind, then you also don’t know that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are getting married in Rome. Who the fuck cares! They had a kid, they aren’t letting press into the wedding, and frankly, the guy in his underwear from Risky Business marrying the chick from Dawson’s Creek just doesn’t do anything for me…accept annoy me.
Quote of the Week
“If this was any other coach…this would be a non-issue.” – Commentator Fran Fraschilla to ESPN about Texas Tech Basketball Coach (and raving lunatic) Bobby Knight slapping one of his players during a game.
I think this might go under the “No Shit” file, but not for the reasons Fran is referring to. He thinks the slapping incident is only an issue, because of Bobby’s unique and “heavy handed” or “controversial” coaching style. This belongs in the “No Shit” file, because Bobby’s coaching “style” is abusive. If he didn’t win games, he would be in jail! I would never let my kid play on a team coached by this man, because I don’t hit my kid and I don’t want anyone else to either. Isn’t it sad that our society is so in love with sports and winning sports games that we let guys like Bobby Knight continue to work with kids, when he clearly can’t keep it in check? Bobby, you’re a fucking lunatic and you don’t belong coaching kids. Tony Robbins has an “unorthodox” coaching style, you are just an asshole.
Have a great Thanksgiving everyone! And to those outside of the U.S., bond with your American brethren, eat a turkey sandwich on Thursday and think about large balloons floating down the streets of New York City.
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
She May Have Your Eyes, but She Has My Sick Sense of Humor
I stood there watching my toddler stare at the television in hysterics. It wasn’t her amusement that had me in a slight state of worry and shock, it was the reason she was laughing. I had been flipping channels in an attempt to reach her kids’ shows when I clicked to one of the movie channels and ended up pausing on Transporter 2. I was talking to Jeff, and didn’t think Rachael would be interested in anything non-animated, but I was wrong.
Transporter 2 is a European-esque film that is basically Pulp Fiction meets James Bond with a touch of Jackie Chan. In the scene my little version of sugar and spice thought was hilarious, the lead character proceeds to kick the living shit out of five guys at some sort of building re-model worksite. Rachael stood there staring at first, and then laughing when the Transporter’s foot made contact with his victim’s face. She then proceeded to dance around yelling, “yeah, yeah” and throwing fake punches.
The sick, sad thing is that I was somewhat amused by the situation. Jeff, however, didn’t share my feelings, and told me to turn the channel, which triggered a screaming fit from our mini violencemonger.
Since Jeff seemed a bit worried about his little girl’s apparent amusement at scenes of extreme violence, I didn’t have the heart to tell him the extent of which his offspring has inherited her mommy’s sick sense of humor.
I’ve always been able to laugh at the most morbid things, and I’ve never been quite sure why. Perhaps I’m more of a goth than I thought, or slightly more twisted than I want to realize. I’m the girl who was cheering for Freddy Krueger when he was bringing about the deaths of vacant suburb dwellers in A Nightmare on Elm Street. I’m the one who heckles horror and “ultra violent” movies adding potent and humorous sub-dialog lines. A few of my favorites include:
Transporter 2 is a European-esque film that is basically Pulp Fiction meets James Bond with a touch of Jackie Chan. In the scene my little version of sugar and spice thought was hilarious, the lead character proceeds to kick the living shit out of five guys at some sort of building re-model worksite. Rachael stood there staring at first, and then laughing when the Transporter’s foot made contact with his victim’s face. She then proceeded to dance around yelling, “yeah, yeah” and throwing fake punches.
The sick, sad thing is that I was somewhat amused by the situation. Jeff, however, didn’t share my feelings, and told me to turn the channel, which triggered a screaming fit from our mini violencemonger.
Since Jeff seemed a bit worried about his little girl’s apparent amusement at scenes of extreme violence, I didn’t have the heart to tell him the extent of which his offspring has inherited her mommy’s sick sense of humor.
I’ve always been able to laugh at the most morbid things, and I’ve never been quite sure why. Perhaps I’m more of a goth than I thought, or slightly more twisted than I want to realize. I’m the girl who was cheering for Freddy Krueger when he was bringing about the deaths of vacant suburb dwellers in A Nightmare on Elm Street. I’m the one who heckles horror and “ultra violent” movies adding potent and humorous sub-dialog lines. A few of my favorites include:
- “Gee, six horny teenagers, a creepy cabin in the woods, and no communication with the outside world, what could possibly go wrong.” – After the opening scene from Friday the 13th, Part II.
- “Besides, I should be the right amount of dead weight you need to get a few of those Eastern European guys with no scripted lines killed in mere seconds.” – Howling II, right after the scrawny, sheepish girl insists on going along with the team of experienced werewolf hunters.
- “And you thought Van Gogh was a sick fuck!” – Right after the scene in Reservoir Dogs where Michael Madsen cuts off that guy’s ear.
- “That is the most creative and disgusting use of a curling iron I’ve ever seen.” – Right after that scene in Sleepaway Camp where the killer…well, if you saw the movie you know already.
In addition to my enjoyment of mocking the gruesome deaths of movie serial killer victims, I really like dark humor and off-color animation. Drawn Together is one of my favorite shows, no matter how sick and wrong it gets. Aqua Teen Hunger Force rules, I mean, where else can you find a character called Meatwad! I still have a healthy appreciation for Ren & Stimpy, and so does my little morbid angel.
One night my munchkin and I giggled away at an episode where Ren and Stimpy decide to dress up as monkeys and live in the zoo. It was disgusting, especially the grooming scene, but we just laughed like there was no tomorrow.
On some level, I should probably be concerned, but I’m not. Maybe if my little one has my sick sense of humor, she will also inherit my ability to examine the 40,000 media messages slammed in our face every day, and realize that they aren’t reality, just a corporate-driven attempt to fool us into buying shit we don’t need or make us feel like we have to go on a diet.
For right now, I’m good with her odd view on what constitutes humor, and hey, as long as she’s not attempting to decapitate the dog, we’re okay.
Sunday, November 12, 2006
You Want Me to do What!?!
In the spirit of never being content, I’ve been job hunting. I had one positive interview for a position that I am very qualified for, and all seemed to go well. I gelled with the young gal who served as the human resources screener, and at the end of the interview she told me she would be sending me a couple of tests to complete via email.
I didn’t mind the first test; it was a personality test with a lot of situational and bizarre questions. When it comes to personality tests, I don’t try to think about them too hard, and always answer honestly. Frankly, if I have a personality that conflicts with the rest of the office, the sooner it’s discovered, the better, no matter how much I want the job.
It was the second test I had a problem with. I know the little HR screener was just doing her job, but asking me to take a basic skills computer assessment is a bit offensive. At the bottom of my resume I list quite an impressive array of computer programs I have experience with. One should immediately deduce that if I stand up and say I’m proficient at In Design, Illustrator, and specialized auction software, maybe, just maybe, I have the mandatory brain cell capacity to master the Microsoft Outlook calendar or sorting a list on an Excel spreadsheet.
The problems persisted when I couldn’t open the test. Apparently the online company that administers the test has to have a receiving computer with a very weak firewall that allows a shitload of cookies and pop-ups. Since we get a tremendous amount of junk mail, as well as virus-infected mail from Jeff’s brother (which he claims it’s not him…yeah right), Jeff installed two firewalls and every other anti-virus software on the market. The end result was that I couldn’t log onto the site and take the basic computer assessment.
I tried again today from one of Jeff’s office computers, and still couldn’t get access, and now (how spoiled is this), I don’t even care about the job anymore. I understand that the HR assistant has to have her little boxes of “to do” items checked for each qualified candidate, but I’m to a point in my life where I don’t feel like dealing with one ounce of bureaucratic bullshit.
I was up until 5:00 AM on Friday night designing display boards for an auction. Does any HR assistant have that on their fucking checklist! How can a basic computer skills assessment tell anyone that I’ve worked on nine auctions and have raised a collective $5.5 million? Instead of wasting my time asking me to show you how well I can use the Bold function in Word, why don’t you ask me how I manage to coordinate a team of volunteers after working a 100-hour week, and pull off a splendid party for 400 people that raises money.
Perhaps I have a bad attitude, but due to this detail gone wrong, I’m no longer even interested in the job. I am currently with an organization that is so steeped in bureaucracy that it gives their employees the shaft on a regular basis. Do I really want to work for another “by the book” employer? Maybe I’ve become spoiled by the cool organizations that I’ve worked for that were wonderfully non-conformist and didn’t care what you did, how you did it, or when you did your job, as long as you met your goals and performed.
To be fair, I emailed the little HR gal back, and maybe I’ll hear from her. If I don’t, then I’ll accept it as something that wasn’t meant to be. Besides, I have another job interview next Monday for a position that would be way cooler, and hopefully, they won’t ask me to take a lame-assed basic computer skills assessment.
I didn’t mind the first test; it was a personality test with a lot of situational and bizarre questions. When it comes to personality tests, I don’t try to think about them too hard, and always answer honestly. Frankly, if I have a personality that conflicts with the rest of the office, the sooner it’s discovered, the better, no matter how much I want the job.
It was the second test I had a problem with. I know the little HR screener was just doing her job, but asking me to take a basic skills computer assessment is a bit offensive. At the bottom of my resume I list quite an impressive array of computer programs I have experience with. One should immediately deduce that if I stand up and say I’m proficient at In Design, Illustrator, and specialized auction software, maybe, just maybe, I have the mandatory brain cell capacity to master the Microsoft Outlook calendar or sorting a list on an Excel spreadsheet.
The problems persisted when I couldn’t open the test. Apparently the online company that administers the test has to have a receiving computer with a very weak firewall that allows a shitload of cookies and pop-ups. Since we get a tremendous amount of junk mail, as well as virus-infected mail from Jeff’s brother (which he claims it’s not him…yeah right), Jeff installed two firewalls and every other anti-virus software on the market. The end result was that I couldn’t log onto the site and take the basic computer assessment.
I tried again today from one of Jeff’s office computers, and still couldn’t get access, and now (how spoiled is this), I don’t even care about the job anymore. I understand that the HR assistant has to have her little boxes of “to do” items checked for each qualified candidate, but I’m to a point in my life where I don’t feel like dealing with one ounce of bureaucratic bullshit.
I was up until 5:00 AM on Friday night designing display boards for an auction. Does any HR assistant have that on their fucking checklist! How can a basic computer skills assessment tell anyone that I’ve worked on nine auctions and have raised a collective $5.5 million? Instead of wasting my time asking me to show you how well I can use the Bold function in Word, why don’t you ask me how I manage to coordinate a team of volunteers after working a 100-hour week, and pull off a splendid party for 400 people that raises money.
Perhaps I have a bad attitude, but due to this detail gone wrong, I’m no longer even interested in the job. I am currently with an organization that is so steeped in bureaucracy that it gives their employees the shaft on a regular basis. Do I really want to work for another “by the book” employer? Maybe I’ve become spoiled by the cool organizations that I’ve worked for that were wonderfully non-conformist and didn’t care what you did, how you did it, or when you did your job, as long as you met your goals and performed.
To be fair, I emailed the little HR gal back, and maybe I’ll hear from her. If I don’t, then I’ll accept it as something that wasn’t meant to be. Besides, I have another job interview next Monday for a position that would be way cooler, and hopefully, they won’t ask me to take a lame-assed basic computer skills assessment.
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Adios!
Yesterday was one hell of a glorious day for democracy. People turned out in droves to tell the Bush Regime not to let the door hit them in the ass on the way out. Not only did the other party take the House (and possibly the Senate), but also the South Dakota Nazi-like abortion measure failed, voters in my state did good by the environment by voting in new energy conservation legislation, and this morning, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld resigned.
Despite the joy, there were a few disappointments. Dave Reichert won his congressional seat back, with no help from anyone in my household, of course. Sorry, Dave, but if you want my support, you may have to catch the Northwest’s worst serial killer in history in under a quarter of a century. Four states passed bans on same-sex marriage, and (what a shock) one of them was Idaho. This seems a bit ironic to me having grown up there, since I knew more closeted Nancy boys in the Gem State than I do openly gay guys here in Seattle.
Speaking of Nancy, for the first time in United States history, the Congressional member from San Francisco walked into the House this morning and was greeted with, “Good Morning Madam Speaker.” Score one for the ladies; we officially have one of our own as the Speaker of the House. All I have to say is, it’s about fucking time. We make up nearly 60% of the population and only have one woman sitting on the Supreme Court, so we were owed more representation.
In terms of women ascending to power, this is how it should go down: I want a wonderful lady filling the Vice Presidency in 2008, and before I’m 40, I want to see a woman at the desk of the Oval Office (instead of under it). Good luck Speaker Nancy, you made history, now make us grrls proud!
I want to wish a “Good Riddance, Motherfucker” to the following:
·Katherine Harris, you are the nutty bitch who screwed up the 2000 presidential election and laughed about it, but are you laughing now Kathy? Didn’t think so.
·Rick Santorum, your loss last night made gay men everywhere get up and dance (not that they really need a reason). The only reservation I have about your leaving is that now when the pictures of you wearing a garter and kitten heels come out, it just won’t mean that much. However, I know a power monger like you isn’t gone for good, you’ll be back, and unfortunately will try to oppress people who haven’t done anything to you, because you think Jesus shares your hate-filled agenda. Until then, at least you’ll have plenty of down time to continue thinking about gay men having sex, which you seem to do more than most gay men I know.
·Mike McGavick, the Republican challenger who decided to try to unseat Washington State’s amazing Senator Maria Cantwell. What were you thinking, man? You were the head of an insurance company running for election the same year as the Hurricane Katrina disaster. Didn’t you see those Spike Lee documentaries where all of the Katrina victims talked about getting completely fucked by the insurance companies? Get a clue!
Yesterday, my faith was restored in my country’s ability to be the strong, independent-thinking nation I knew it was. The neocons spent six long years playing the fear card, but yesterday, Americans everywhere stood up, became fearless, and told those thieving bastards to fuck off giving them the most fitting of punishments.
The spanking was so harsh that today, other than Rummy’s resignation, the first George Bush sent a team of his friends, including James Baker, to the White House to bail out his idiot son, yet again. Although I don’t know how much the Democrats can do to dig us out of this horrible hole left by six years of unchecked, corrupt power; at least they have a chance to try.
Despite the joy, there were a few disappointments. Dave Reichert won his congressional seat back, with no help from anyone in my household, of course. Sorry, Dave, but if you want my support, you may have to catch the Northwest’s worst serial killer in history in under a quarter of a century. Four states passed bans on same-sex marriage, and (what a shock) one of them was Idaho. This seems a bit ironic to me having grown up there, since I knew more closeted Nancy boys in the Gem State than I do openly gay guys here in Seattle.
Speaking of Nancy, for the first time in United States history, the Congressional member from San Francisco walked into the House this morning and was greeted with, “Good Morning Madam Speaker.” Score one for the ladies; we officially have one of our own as the Speaker of the House. All I have to say is, it’s about fucking time. We make up nearly 60% of the population and only have one woman sitting on the Supreme Court, so we were owed more representation.
In terms of women ascending to power, this is how it should go down: I want a wonderful lady filling the Vice Presidency in 2008, and before I’m 40, I want to see a woman at the desk of the Oval Office (instead of under it). Good luck Speaker Nancy, you made history, now make us grrls proud!
I want to wish a “Good Riddance, Motherfucker” to the following:
·Katherine Harris, you are the nutty bitch who screwed up the 2000 presidential election and laughed about it, but are you laughing now Kathy? Didn’t think so.
·Rick Santorum, your loss last night made gay men everywhere get up and dance (not that they really need a reason). The only reservation I have about your leaving is that now when the pictures of you wearing a garter and kitten heels come out, it just won’t mean that much. However, I know a power monger like you isn’t gone for good, you’ll be back, and unfortunately will try to oppress people who haven’t done anything to you, because you think Jesus shares your hate-filled agenda. Until then, at least you’ll have plenty of down time to continue thinking about gay men having sex, which you seem to do more than most gay men I know.
·Mike McGavick, the Republican challenger who decided to try to unseat Washington State’s amazing Senator Maria Cantwell. What were you thinking, man? You were the head of an insurance company running for election the same year as the Hurricane Katrina disaster. Didn’t you see those Spike Lee documentaries where all of the Katrina victims talked about getting completely fucked by the insurance companies? Get a clue!
Yesterday, my faith was restored in my country’s ability to be the strong, independent-thinking nation I knew it was. The neocons spent six long years playing the fear card, but yesterday, Americans everywhere stood up, became fearless, and told those thieving bastards to fuck off giving them the most fitting of punishments.
The spanking was so harsh that today, other than Rummy’s resignation, the first George Bush sent a team of his friends, including James Baker, to the White House to bail out his idiot son, yet again. Although I don’t know how much the Democrats can do to dig us out of this horrible hole left by six years of unchecked, corrupt power; at least they have a chance to try.
Sunday, November 05, 2006
Just in Time for the Election
Saddam Hussein was sentenced to die by hanging, and what a shock, it came the weekend before the mid-term elections. Although this was long overdue, because Saddam is quite the evil bastard, the timing of his sentence was impeccable. While I’m happy to see this brutal man get what’s coming to him, before anyone runs out into the monster truck rally to wave the American flag, we need to put this situation into perspective.
In order to reach the verdict of death by hanging, the United States, along with other democracy-observing world allies, had to start a war with a country that never had the means to become a viable threat to anyone. Our government, including our president, falsified information, lied to the United Nations and the American people, and squandered the budget surplus to depose a leader who was nothing more than a trash-talking asshole. 2,800 American troops have been killed, tens of thousands of young American troops have sustained life-altering injuries (i.e. amputated limbs, injuries sustained to major organs, severe burns, traumatic brain injuries, extreme mental health damage, etc.), and it is estimated that over 100,000 Iraqi civilians have died. Don’t even get me started on the economic clusterfuck that has resulted from this war. Little Rachael’s grandchildren will be paying for Resident Bush’s family vendetta, and that pisses me off to no end.
All of this leads up to the election this Tuesday. I want everyone to keep this so-called victory over the tyranny of Saddam in perspective. There are a lot of assholes in this world who do not serve the best interest of their people and insist on operating with G-d-like powers. Unfortunately, a few of them are running our country.
When the 2000 election happened, I was not cool with the end result. The Electoral College made sense back in the day when most of the country was rural, and not every citizen could make it to the polls. In the golden age of the internet, cellphones, PDAs, and information access, it seems a little bizarre that we should have to rely on a group of politicians to decide our elections. Despite the questionable rise to power, I was willing to let the Grand Ol’ Party have their victory. My thought was, Okay GOP, you have absolute power, now go out and do all of the glorious things that you always said you wanted to do, but couldn’t, because you had the Democrats opposing you.
In just six short years, they have fucked up the prosperous economy, violated the Constitution, shit on the Bill of Rights, made the majority of the world hate us, started an expensive and illegal war, and made Teddy Kennedy and Al Sharpton look relevant and sane. Basically, they were hired to do a job and failed miserably, therefore the only thing to do at this point is to fire them, and hire a group that is far more competent to begin digging us out of this enormous hole.
Not that I’m a huge fan of the Democrats. They have been pussies during this whole process apologizing for every little remark that gains an ounce of controversy. I’m not under the delusion that they can solve all of the problems, but at this point, we are left with the lesser of two evils. The Republicans in power are not my stepfather’s GOP. My stepfather’s GOP would have never racked up an enormous debt, expanded the government to a colossal size, and invaded the privacy of citizens the way this government has. My stepfather’s GOP was never into telling a woman what to do with her body, because that should be between her, her family, and her G-d, and would not have sent soldiers to die needlessly over a family vendetta and corporate profits.
I have already cast my ballot via absentee, but before I jump off my soapbox, I want to give one shout out to the ladies to please go out and vote. You are your sister’s keeper, whether you like it or not, and your sisters have not been doing all that well.
Every week the bodies of nearly 60 women are found on the streets of Baghdad and other Iraqi cities as a result of the civil was between the Sunnis and Shiites and the emergence of radical Islamic mullahs who are now enforcing Sharia Law. Sharia Law is condoned by the new Iraqi constitution, which was written, largely, by our American government. Their constitution also provides corporate tax shelters that would blow your mind. It makes Swiss Bank accounts and offshore St. Bart’s banking transactions look tame.
This government has pumped millions of dollars into abstinence education for adults up to age 29, while cutting welfare benefits to struggling families, student loans for college and trade schools, funding for community and veterans hospitals, and tax relief for working adults with children. However, they have given huge tax breaks to anyone raking in over a million per year, so no matter where their religious affiliations fall, their loyalty is to one G-d only, and it’s green, not Jesus.
I’m not telling you who to vote for on Tuesday, but I am telling you to think before you punch your ballot. Put a twist on the old Reagan-era question, and ask yourself, “Is your country better off now than it was six years ago?”
In order to reach the verdict of death by hanging, the United States, along with other democracy-observing world allies, had to start a war with a country that never had the means to become a viable threat to anyone. Our government, including our president, falsified information, lied to the United Nations and the American people, and squandered the budget surplus to depose a leader who was nothing more than a trash-talking asshole. 2,800 American troops have been killed, tens of thousands of young American troops have sustained life-altering injuries (i.e. amputated limbs, injuries sustained to major organs, severe burns, traumatic brain injuries, extreme mental health damage, etc.), and it is estimated that over 100,000 Iraqi civilians have died. Don’t even get me started on the economic clusterfuck that has resulted from this war. Little Rachael’s grandchildren will be paying for Resident Bush’s family vendetta, and that pisses me off to no end.
All of this leads up to the election this Tuesday. I want everyone to keep this so-called victory over the tyranny of Saddam in perspective. There are a lot of assholes in this world who do not serve the best interest of their people and insist on operating with G-d-like powers. Unfortunately, a few of them are running our country.
When the 2000 election happened, I was not cool with the end result. The Electoral College made sense back in the day when most of the country was rural, and not every citizen could make it to the polls. In the golden age of the internet, cellphones, PDAs, and information access, it seems a little bizarre that we should have to rely on a group of politicians to decide our elections. Despite the questionable rise to power, I was willing to let the Grand Ol’ Party have their victory. My thought was, Okay GOP, you have absolute power, now go out and do all of the glorious things that you always said you wanted to do, but couldn’t, because you had the Democrats opposing you.
In just six short years, they have fucked up the prosperous economy, violated the Constitution, shit on the Bill of Rights, made the majority of the world hate us, started an expensive and illegal war, and made Teddy Kennedy and Al Sharpton look relevant and sane. Basically, they were hired to do a job and failed miserably, therefore the only thing to do at this point is to fire them, and hire a group that is far more competent to begin digging us out of this enormous hole.
Not that I’m a huge fan of the Democrats. They have been pussies during this whole process apologizing for every little remark that gains an ounce of controversy. I’m not under the delusion that they can solve all of the problems, but at this point, we are left with the lesser of two evils. The Republicans in power are not my stepfather’s GOP. My stepfather’s GOP would have never racked up an enormous debt, expanded the government to a colossal size, and invaded the privacy of citizens the way this government has. My stepfather’s GOP was never into telling a woman what to do with her body, because that should be between her, her family, and her G-d, and would not have sent soldiers to die needlessly over a family vendetta and corporate profits.
I have already cast my ballot via absentee, but before I jump off my soapbox, I want to give one shout out to the ladies to please go out and vote. You are your sister’s keeper, whether you like it or not, and your sisters have not been doing all that well.
Every week the bodies of nearly 60 women are found on the streets of Baghdad and other Iraqi cities as a result of the civil was between the Sunnis and Shiites and the emergence of radical Islamic mullahs who are now enforcing Sharia Law. Sharia Law is condoned by the new Iraqi constitution, which was written, largely, by our American government. Their constitution also provides corporate tax shelters that would blow your mind. It makes Swiss Bank accounts and offshore St. Bart’s banking transactions look tame.
This government has pumped millions of dollars into abstinence education for adults up to age 29, while cutting welfare benefits to struggling families, student loans for college and trade schools, funding for community and veterans hospitals, and tax relief for working adults with children. However, they have given huge tax breaks to anyone raking in over a million per year, so no matter where their religious affiliations fall, their loyalty is to one G-d only, and it’s green, not Jesus.
I’m not telling you who to vote for on Tuesday, but I am telling you to think before you punch your ballot. Put a twist on the old Reagan-era question, and ask yourself, “Is your country better off now than it was six years ago?”
Friday, November 03, 2006
Weekly Recap 10/29-11/4: Stupid Jokes & Scary Appetites
Headline News Recap
The mainstream (and so-called liberal) media’s panties were all in a bunch this week over a botched joke former presidential candidate, John Kerry, made that loosely insinuated that people serving in the military were from the uneducated segment of American society. Of course the neocons jumped all over this like a closeted Republican congressman with a hard-on and an underage page’s email address, and have been talking about it non-stop. What I want to know is, does anyone other than Fox News and neocon media give a fuck, because I don’t. For starters, 103 American soldiers died in Iraq last month, and we are still pissing billions away on this war. The economy is heading for a bad patch, because the real estate bubble is bursting everywhere, which means when all of the folks who bought houses at those great 5-1 and 7-1 arm interest rates are going to be up shit’s creek when their adjustable interest rate goes up. In about 18-20 months it will be foreclosure city, and all the media can talk about is a senator’s lame ass joke. Kerry isn’t even up for re-election!
This week Takeru Kobayashi took home his third straight championship title in the Krystal hamburger eating contest by downing 97 burgers in 8 minutes. This is the same little Japanese man who wins the Nathan’s hot eating contest every year. Does anyone else find this disturbing? Only in America could we come up with the sport of competitive eating! By the way, I’m not surprised it is an Asian man who is the champ. Sure, with their thin figures, size 4 butts, and quiet nature, they look unassuming, but I have many Asian friends and those people can eat. Don’t be fooled by their size, especially when it comes to hot dogs and sugar-free cake.
Evangelical Christian leader, Ted Haggard, admitted today that some of the claims made by a male prostitute who claimed he had an affair with Haggard were true. Aaaaaahhhh. I love the smell of hypocrites burning at the stake in the morning. This group of bastards was so ruthless and cut-throat in condemning homosexuals in the last election, and using blatant hatred to keep their hold on power, that this is a very fitting end to them. A rabbi once told me that G-d doesn’t directly interfere with the day-to-day conflicts of man, because everything has a way of working out in the end.
The New York Times published an article claiming that scientists have discovered that calorie-restrictive diets will slow the aging process. I can’t believe that someone who sits on their ass for 12 hours eating McDonalds and playing X-box will age (i.e. die) quicker than the person who consumes veggies and walks their dog daily. You know, maybe scientists should think of focusing on curing something rather than confirming shit we already know.
Whole Foods, the grocery chain that specializes in organic and health conscious food for rich socialites, saw its stock tumble this week as people finally wised up to the fact that they were paying $10 for organic grapes that are $6 less per pound than the organic grapes at Safeway, and had no difference in taste whatsoever.
The U.K. hired former Vice President, Al Gore, to be their environmental advisor this week. Kudos for England, and a big bitchslap to the U.S. Here we have a homegrown expert who can’t even offer his wealth of knowledge to his own country, because Dark Oil Overlord Cheney, and his sidekick The Saudi-loving Kid Bush run it.
In Local News
If the King County Elections Board wasn’t so incompetent I would suggest they come up with a way to flag any household that votes via absentee ballot. In the last week, I have received at least five trees worth of political mailers. I voted two weeks ago via absentee ballot, so now I’m just left to deal with more junk mail than any human should have to bear. As someone who recycles, and is conscious of environmental issues, I don’t like political candidates wasting the earth’s resources to accuse one another of bad shit that they probably didn’t do. Stop sending me crap or include an extra $7, so that I can pay my waste disposal service for the extra trash can I’m going to need this month.
How screwed up is this: I’ve been eating at least three Milky Way candy “bites” and one Hershey’s fun size bar each day, and I’ve lost weight. What the fuck!
Attention Whores Behaving Badly This Week
Brittney Spears’ husband Kevin Federline’s big concert was cancelled due to lack of interest. Later in the week he wrote a 1,500-word article for a major paper boo-hooing the fact that people don’t like him. Why can’t these people just go away! She’s well past her prime, and his presence adds nothing to society as a whole. Go away! Brittney, can’t you just fade into obscurity like a normal flash in the pan, resurrecting yourself only for the mandatory Playboy photo shoot?
Country singer and Nicole Kidman hubby, Keith Urban, went into rehab this week. I don’t care; he’s still nice to look at.
Actors Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe called it quits on their marriage this week. Although they’ve promised to keep divorce proceedings simple and civil for the sake of their children; that’s not likely to happen, right Sir Paul.
Sacha Baron Cohen’s character Borat seems to be pissing off someone new on a daily basis. The movie opens in most cities this week, and I can’t wait to see it. Any Jewish guy who can play a rapper wannabe and a Kazakhstani television reporter with a moustache overdose to complete perfection is well worth my two hours and $10. L’Chaim!
Quote of the Week
“Paula, like women everywhere, had come to hate [Tom Cruise].” – Viacom Chief, Sumner Redstone in Vanity Fair magazine on how his wife, Paula, might have influenced his decision to fire Tom Cruise.
I’m a woman, and I don’t hate Tom Cruise. I think he’s nutty as a bag of granola, but he’s just an actor, and as of today, one of the heads of United Artists studios. My point is that if I don’t like something that Tom does, I won’t see it, and it really won’t affect my daily life, as opposed to having lunatic lawmakers who can do way more damage than wasting two hours of our time on Mission: Impossible III.
The mainstream (and so-called liberal) media’s panties were all in a bunch this week over a botched joke former presidential candidate, John Kerry, made that loosely insinuated that people serving in the military were from the uneducated segment of American society. Of course the neocons jumped all over this like a closeted Republican congressman with a hard-on and an underage page’s email address, and have been talking about it non-stop. What I want to know is, does anyone other than Fox News and neocon media give a fuck, because I don’t. For starters, 103 American soldiers died in Iraq last month, and we are still pissing billions away on this war. The economy is heading for a bad patch, because the real estate bubble is bursting everywhere, which means when all of the folks who bought houses at those great 5-1 and 7-1 arm interest rates are going to be up shit’s creek when their adjustable interest rate goes up. In about 18-20 months it will be foreclosure city, and all the media can talk about is a senator’s lame ass joke. Kerry isn’t even up for re-election!
This week Takeru Kobayashi took home his third straight championship title in the Krystal hamburger eating contest by downing 97 burgers in 8 minutes. This is the same little Japanese man who wins the Nathan’s hot eating contest every year. Does anyone else find this disturbing? Only in America could we come up with the sport of competitive eating! By the way, I’m not surprised it is an Asian man who is the champ. Sure, with their thin figures, size 4 butts, and quiet nature, they look unassuming, but I have many Asian friends and those people can eat. Don’t be fooled by their size, especially when it comes to hot dogs and sugar-free cake.
Evangelical Christian leader, Ted Haggard, admitted today that some of the claims made by a male prostitute who claimed he had an affair with Haggard were true. Aaaaaahhhh. I love the smell of hypocrites burning at the stake in the morning. This group of bastards was so ruthless and cut-throat in condemning homosexuals in the last election, and using blatant hatred to keep their hold on power, that this is a very fitting end to them. A rabbi once told me that G-d doesn’t directly interfere with the day-to-day conflicts of man, because everything has a way of working out in the end.
The New York Times published an article claiming that scientists have discovered that calorie-restrictive diets will slow the aging process. I can’t believe that someone who sits on their ass for 12 hours eating McDonalds and playing X-box will age (i.e. die) quicker than the person who consumes veggies and walks their dog daily. You know, maybe scientists should think of focusing on curing something rather than confirming shit we already know.
Whole Foods, the grocery chain that specializes in organic and health conscious food for rich socialites, saw its stock tumble this week as people finally wised up to the fact that they were paying $10 for organic grapes that are $6 less per pound than the organic grapes at Safeway, and had no difference in taste whatsoever.
The U.K. hired former Vice President, Al Gore, to be their environmental advisor this week. Kudos for England, and a big bitchslap to the U.S. Here we have a homegrown expert who can’t even offer his wealth of knowledge to his own country, because Dark Oil Overlord Cheney, and his sidekick The Saudi-loving Kid Bush run it.
In Local News
If the King County Elections Board wasn’t so incompetent I would suggest they come up with a way to flag any household that votes via absentee ballot. In the last week, I have received at least five trees worth of political mailers. I voted two weeks ago via absentee ballot, so now I’m just left to deal with more junk mail than any human should have to bear. As someone who recycles, and is conscious of environmental issues, I don’t like political candidates wasting the earth’s resources to accuse one another of bad shit that they probably didn’t do. Stop sending me crap or include an extra $7, so that I can pay my waste disposal service for the extra trash can I’m going to need this month.
How screwed up is this: I’ve been eating at least three Milky Way candy “bites” and one Hershey’s fun size bar each day, and I’ve lost weight. What the fuck!
Attention Whores Behaving Badly This Week
Brittney Spears’ husband Kevin Federline’s big concert was cancelled due to lack of interest. Later in the week he wrote a 1,500-word article for a major paper boo-hooing the fact that people don’t like him. Why can’t these people just go away! She’s well past her prime, and his presence adds nothing to society as a whole. Go away! Brittney, can’t you just fade into obscurity like a normal flash in the pan, resurrecting yourself only for the mandatory Playboy photo shoot?
Country singer and Nicole Kidman hubby, Keith Urban, went into rehab this week. I don’t care; he’s still nice to look at.
Actors Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe called it quits on their marriage this week. Although they’ve promised to keep divorce proceedings simple and civil for the sake of their children; that’s not likely to happen, right Sir Paul.
Sacha Baron Cohen’s character Borat seems to be pissing off someone new on a daily basis. The movie opens in most cities this week, and I can’t wait to see it. Any Jewish guy who can play a rapper wannabe and a Kazakhstani television reporter with a moustache overdose to complete perfection is well worth my two hours and $10. L’Chaim!
Quote of the Week
“Paula, like women everywhere, had come to hate [Tom Cruise].” – Viacom Chief, Sumner Redstone in Vanity Fair magazine on how his wife, Paula, might have influenced his decision to fire Tom Cruise.
I’m a woman, and I don’t hate Tom Cruise. I think he’s nutty as a bag of granola, but he’s just an actor, and as of today, one of the heads of United Artists studios. My point is that if I don’t like something that Tom does, I won’t see it, and it really won’t affect my daily life, as opposed to having lunatic lawmakers who can do way more damage than wasting two hours of our time on Mission: Impossible III.
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Halloween in Suburbia
When I was a kid, Halloween was my favorite holiday. Between dressing up like my favorite superhero, Wonder Woman (no shock there), the cheesy horror flicks, and the ungodly amounts of candy, it was the type of holiday that made the Fall season worthwhile. Now that I’m a grown up and a parent, I still love Halloween, but I have a bit of a different spin on the spooky holiday.
Last Halloween Rachael was still just a little thing. She went to a few houses for trick or treat, but with the cold, rainy weather and her inability to understand the concept behind Halloween, she wasn’t really into it. This year was a different story. We began priming her a couple of weeks ago by talking up the whole ‘say “trick or treat” and they give you candy” thing, and encouraging her to take an interest in recycling her costume from last year. It still fit, and she didn’t wear it very long, so why spend the money on a new one. By last night, Miss Rachael was dressed as a little piggy and ready to go.
I let Jeff take her around the neighborhood for a couple of reasons; first off, I loathe cold weather, and last night it peaked at 32 degrees, and secondly, I had a great fear of what might happen if no one was at our house to hand out candy. Our neighborhood is filled with enough of a little bastard element that if we failed to produce candy, we would most likely find the pumpkins I worked so hard carving, smashed to pieces in our driveway.
The biggest danger, of course, was that I was manning the candy bowl. I am a notorious sweet tooth and a chocoholic; so having to handle bite-sized candy bars for two hours was a recipe for disaster. However, I did learn something quite valuable. It is not possible for a 33-year-old woman to overdose on chocolate. There you go, my contribution to science for the year.
I also realized that cheap bastards run all the candy companies. When I was a kid, the “fun size” Halloween candy bars were half the size of normal candy bars, now bunny turds are bigger than what passes as a “bite”. Not that I should be consuming as much chocolate as I did last night, but I do feel like the 5 lb. bag should be worth the money.
Kids seem to be turning into smartasses earlier these days. Last night I encountered several kids from the ages of 7-10 years old who came to my door, said “trick or treat”, then followed it with some kind of smartass remark. Maybe they are getting on the computer earlier in life, or all of the growth hormone in the meat has made them more advanced, but I didn’t have smartass skills or a grasp of sarcastic humor until I was at least 12 years old. Most of the comments weren’t bad, just annoying.
It was nice to see that all of the kids dressed as Paris Hilton were boys. At one point, four 9 year old boys came to my house dressed in identical hot pink shirts, miniskirts, blonde wigs, and carrying around stuffed little dogs. I tried to figure out who they were and asked stupidly if they were dressed as Cindy Brady. One boy looked at me with the normal reply of “Who is Cindy Brady?” While the other laughed and said, “We’re Paris Hilton.” The last boy just looked at me as if to say, Old woman, it was nice of you to try and make small talk, but we don’t come from your era, so just make with the candy and wish us a ‘Happy Halloween’.
The trick or treaters dried up earlier than expected leaving us with way too much leftover candy. Thankfully, Rachael’s 3rd birthday is just around the corner and we have a piñata, so I won’t end up eating it all after a bad weekly weigh-in. I ended the night with a workout, because after you’ve consumed too many fun sized bars to count, you’d better find away to get your sick-stomached ass on that elliptical machine.
For the record, I did dress up, but not as Wonder Woman. To keep the spirit of Halloween alive, I pulled the inflatable pumpkin costume out of the back of a closet, and wore it for a couple of hours. I purchased it the year I was pregnant with Rachael, and it was perfect. It gave me a ton of room to move around in, and was inflated by a little battery-operated fan that blew cool air up my back, which was perfect for a pregnant woman with a 100-degree body temperature. This year, however, it just made me cold.
Next year, perhaps, I’ll invest in a new costume. Rachael will be too big to wear her piggy outfit, and since she is a staunch individualist with a tendency towards temper tantrums, it is highly unlikely that Jeff and I will have any influence over her costume choice. Maybe, I’ll go for the Wonder Woman again, but that all depends on whether I can stay on the elliptical and away from the fun size bars.
Last Halloween Rachael was still just a little thing. She went to a few houses for trick or treat, but with the cold, rainy weather and her inability to understand the concept behind Halloween, she wasn’t really into it. This year was a different story. We began priming her a couple of weeks ago by talking up the whole ‘say “trick or treat” and they give you candy” thing, and encouraging her to take an interest in recycling her costume from last year. It still fit, and she didn’t wear it very long, so why spend the money on a new one. By last night, Miss Rachael was dressed as a little piggy and ready to go.
I let Jeff take her around the neighborhood for a couple of reasons; first off, I loathe cold weather, and last night it peaked at 32 degrees, and secondly, I had a great fear of what might happen if no one was at our house to hand out candy. Our neighborhood is filled with enough of a little bastard element that if we failed to produce candy, we would most likely find the pumpkins I worked so hard carving, smashed to pieces in our driveway.
The biggest danger, of course, was that I was manning the candy bowl. I am a notorious sweet tooth and a chocoholic; so having to handle bite-sized candy bars for two hours was a recipe for disaster. However, I did learn something quite valuable. It is not possible for a 33-year-old woman to overdose on chocolate. There you go, my contribution to science for the year.
I also realized that cheap bastards run all the candy companies. When I was a kid, the “fun size” Halloween candy bars were half the size of normal candy bars, now bunny turds are bigger than what passes as a “bite”. Not that I should be consuming as much chocolate as I did last night, but I do feel like the 5 lb. bag should be worth the money.
Kids seem to be turning into smartasses earlier these days. Last night I encountered several kids from the ages of 7-10 years old who came to my door, said “trick or treat”, then followed it with some kind of smartass remark. Maybe they are getting on the computer earlier in life, or all of the growth hormone in the meat has made them more advanced, but I didn’t have smartass skills or a grasp of sarcastic humor until I was at least 12 years old. Most of the comments weren’t bad, just annoying.
It was nice to see that all of the kids dressed as Paris Hilton were boys. At one point, four 9 year old boys came to my house dressed in identical hot pink shirts, miniskirts, blonde wigs, and carrying around stuffed little dogs. I tried to figure out who they were and asked stupidly if they were dressed as Cindy Brady. One boy looked at me with the normal reply of “Who is Cindy Brady?” While the other laughed and said, “We’re Paris Hilton.” The last boy just looked at me as if to say, Old woman, it was nice of you to try and make small talk, but we don’t come from your era, so just make with the candy and wish us a ‘Happy Halloween’.
The trick or treaters dried up earlier than expected leaving us with way too much leftover candy. Thankfully, Rachael’s 3rd birthday is just around the corner and we have a piñata, so I won’t end up eating it all after a bad weekly weigh-in. I ended the night with a workout, because after you’ve consumed too many fun sized bars to count, you’d better find away to get your sick-stomached ass on that elliptical machine.
For the record, I did dress up, but not as Wonder Woman. To keep the spirit of Halloween alive, I pulled the inflatable pumpkin costume out of the back of a closet, and wore it for a couple of hours. I purchased it the year I was pregnant with Rachael, and it was perfect. It gave me a ton of room to move around in, and was inflated by a little battery-operated fan that blew cool air up my back, which was perfect for a pregnant woman with a 100-degree body temperature. This year, however, it just made me cold.
Next year, perhaps, I’ll invest in a new costume. Rachael will be too big to wear her piggy outfit, and since she is a staunch individualist with a tendency towards temper tantrums, it is highly unlikely that Jeff and I will have any influence over her costume choice. Maybe, I’ll go for the Wonder Woman again, but that all depends on whether I can stay on the elliptical and away from the fun size bars.
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