Every year I stupidly make the same promise to myself; when I go to my in-laws I will work out every morning before we get going on the daily relative visit, and barring the big Hanukkah party, I will eat healthy. After five years you’d think I would have given up this fantastic lie, but there I was at 1:00 AM the night before we were to take off for Southern California trying to stuff my tennis shoes and Denise Austin DVD into an extremely packed suitcase.
I’ve been here for three and a half days, and to my credit I did work out with perky Denise once, but everything I’ve consumed thus far has been pure, fat-ridden, sugar-coated shit. From the gravy-drenched beef brisket to the thick, yummy pumpkin cheesecake from Costco; it’s been like a ‘no holds barred’ eating extravaganza since Friday afternoon. Normally, I’m the picture of someone who really watches what I consume. I buy organic products, hormone-free chicken and fish, I rarely eat beef, and I digest the government recommended daily dose of whole grains, and can’t conceive a world without veggies.
I don’t fault being at my in-laws, because we usually make it down to visit them a few times a year. We were here in June, and I didn’t eat like this, so as I’m helping myself to another slice of rum bunt cake I had to blame this shit feast on something. Everyone always says the holidays are about more than the presents, and they are right; the holidays are about stuffing yourself mercilessly with full knowledge that you are completely off the hook until that magical first day of January, when you can do a thorough shit detox and tell yourself that after 365 days of perfect nutritional behavior, next year’s holidays will be different (which they never are).
You start the shit reduction with such faith, as most do. You make a plan somewhere around December 28th as you are finishing the last of the chocolate desserts vowing to clean out the fridge, cabinets and pantry in preparation for the big New Year’s shit reduction. You dust off that copy of the Cooking Light Award Winning Recipes cookbook deciding to make this experience an adventure, and as you polish off the holiday Jell-O mold you form a shopping list of ingredients, which you promise to fill on the first post-New Year’s Day the grocery store is open.
By the time New Year’s Eve rolls around, nearly two weeks of eating the shit offered on the tables at every holiday party you attended, the vast amount of shit piling the dining room buffets of all of your relatives, and your own home filled with shit you would never even think to bring home at any other time of the year (can you say marshmallow peep-style Christmas trees), all of it has built up inside your intestines forcing your stomach into an unsightly bulge. However, this shit reduction is not about vanity, it’s about health. Yeah right, and you didn’t wake up with turkey leftovers on your mind.
It’s currently Christmas Eve, and there is exactly seven days until the shit reduction officially begins. I will try in vain to get a couple of more Denise sessions in, and will try even harder to keep my hands out of the huge vat of M&Ms my mother-in-law keeps in the family room, but I’ve decided to stop lying to myself.
Perhaps it’s time to be an adult about this whole holiday shit eating orgy and just admit that any attempt to stay remotely healthy during the time of year, when the alcohol and gravy flows like a waterfall, is unrealistic. Maybe I should just try to be reasonable about this time of the year, do what I can, and get back to normal in January, just like everyone else. Perhaps an outlook of moderation will prevent me from gorging on shit, and help me turn over a new leaf.
Never mind, they’re having Irish coffees and cheesecake in the other room, so here’s to the January 1st shit reduction, until then, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and enjoy the food!
Sunday, December 24, 2006
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Weekly Recap 12/17-23: Marijuana Moolah & Pentagon Pretenses
Headline News Recap
Former Congressman and avid anti-choicer, Bob Barr, has become a Libertarian claiming that the Republican behaviors in regards to spending and privacy have left him disillusioned with the party. Americans can rest assured that although Barr is no longer a committed Republican, he is still a committed asshole, and will continue to be for years to come.
Move over alfalfa, America’s biggest cash crop is now marijuana. A study released this week reveals that the market value of pot produced in the U.S. exceeds $35 billion. California was responsible for the bulk of the pot grown in the U.S. Sorry New York, I know you tried to corner the pot market with the whole Woodstock thing, but Cali beat you to it with the Grateful Dead, Haight/Ashbury, and Timothy Leary.
Magazine editors are now making models fatter with PhotoShop claiming that some models will come in for a shoot that was booked months prior and be five or ten pounds thinner than expected. You know, most graphic artists at those glamour magazines probably make a minimum of $30 an hour, and a decent cheeseburger is only $5 or $6, call me crazy, but I think I’ve just discovered a way to cut the expenses.
A study found that nine out of ten Americans have premarital sex including people born in the 1940s. This challenges the notion that decades prior were more chaste as well as the idea that people are willing to buy something before taking it for a test drive.
The Pentagon says it is considering a military build up against Iran leading many Americans to ask, “With what? G.I. Joe action figures! Who the fuck is running this? Oh yeah, that guy.”
In more Pentagon news, they have asked for an additional $99.7 billion for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, which if approved, will bring war spending to over $170 billion for this year. Yet military wives and mothers at Fort Lewis in Washington were holding a pancake feed and bake sale to raise money for body armor for their husbands and sons. Someone is raking in our cash, big time, and the only proper response to the Pentagon’s latest request is to ask them to wish in one hand, shit in the other, and see which one gets full first.
A female komodo dragon at the London zoo is expecting eight baby dragons despite having never been exposed to male dragons. First, Murphy Brown, now the komodo dragons; when they say ‘sisters are doing it for themselves’ I guess they really mean it.
In Local News
There was no news this week, because nearly a million people were left in the dark without power. Puget Sound Energy and Seattle City Light responded at a brisk molasses pace to fix the damage caused by Thursday night’s storm, and managed to get areas such as Downtown Seattle, Mercer Island, Medina, and other more affluent neighborhoods up and going within no time. The rest of us middle class bastards had to wait it out later in the week, and a few folks in the sticks are still hoping for illumination. The lesson all of us Puget Sounders can take away from this experience is that in the event of a national disaster or huge earthquake, we are completely fucked (unless you happen to live in Medina).
Worthless Entertainment News
The reigning Miss USA, Tara Conner, will not lose her crown despite allegations of drug use and sexual misconduct. Donald Trump, owner of the Miss USA pageant and a big fan of young, loose blondes, announced that he was concerned with Tara’s well being and will make sure she is checked into rehab, besides the bimbo has given the Miss USA pageant more publicity in the past week than its had in the past ten years, so champagne all around…except for you, Tara.
Controversial Rapper, Eminem became legally divorced from his wife, Kim, for a second time this week after an eight-month court battle that followed the three-month second marriage. Hey Em, perhaps when you write a song about murdering your ex-wife, tear up a blowup doll of her onstage every night during a tour, and have a tattoo on your arm that says “Rot in Pieces”, you may want to re-think the whole “second time’s a charm” scenario. Just a thought.
First Calista Flockhart hooks up with Harrison Ford, then Ana Carolina Reston dies of anorexia, now Lara Flynn Boyle is off the market with her marriage to her boyfriend of eight months, Donald Ray Thomas. Never fear, all you guys into boney chicks, I think I saw some leftover, plastic skeletons from the Halloween sale in the clearance bin at Big Lots. Best of all, they will have the same personality as the real thing.
Quote of the Week
“The message of the fall election was clear: Americans want us to work together to make progress for our country.” – Resident Bush addressing the issue of raising the minimum wage.
The good news was that he was all in favor of a minimum wage increase. The bad news is that he plans to load the bill up with an assload of tax breaks and regulatory relief measures for businesses. He may say he wants to work together, but in the end, our Resident-in-Chief serves one master, and that is the god of big business and moneyed special interests. As a scholar of media, avid reader of social criticisms, and an enterprising commentator on social democracy, I will sum of this “Quote of the Week” with an appropriate quote from Mr. Mole in the Shelly Duvall version of Thumbelina, “you call that progress?”
Former Congressman and avid anti-choicer, Bob Barr, has become a Libertarian claiming that the Republican behaviors in regards to spending and privacy have left him disillusioned with the party. Americans can rest assured that although Barr is no longer a committed Republican, he is still a committed asshole, and will continue to be for years to come.
Move over alfalfa, America’s biggest cash crop is now marijuana. A study released this week reveals that the market value of pot produced in the U.S. exceeds $35 billion. California was responsible for the bulk of the pot grown in the U.S. Sorry New York, I know you tried to corner the pot market with the whole Woodstock thing, but Cali beat you to it with the Grateful Dead, Haight/Ashbury, and Timothy Leary.
Magazine editors are now making models fatter with PhotoShop claiming that some models will come in for a shoot that was booked months prior and be five or ten pounds thinner than expected. You know, most graphic artists at those glamour magazines probably make a minimum of $30 an hour, and a decent cheeseburger is only $5 or $6, call me crazy, but I think I’ve just discovered a way to cut the expenses.
A study found that nine out of ten Americans have premarital sex including people born in the 1940s. This challenges the notion that decades prior were more chaste as well as the idea that people are willing to buy something before taking it for a test drive.
The Pentagon says it is considering a military build up against Iran leading many Americans to ask, “With what? G.I. Joe action figures! Who the fuck is running this? Oh yeah, that guy.”
In more Pentagon news, they have asked for an additional $99.7 billion for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, which if approved, will bring war spending to over $170 billion for this year. Yet military wives and mothers at Fort Lewis in Washington were holding a pancake feed and bake sale to raise money for body armor for their husbands and sons. Someone is raking in our cash, big time, and the only proper response to the Pentagon’s latest request is to ask them to wish in one hand, shit in the other, and see which one gets full first.
A female komodo dragon at the London zoo is expecting eight baby dragons despite having never been exposed to male dragons. First, Murphy Brown, now the komodo dragons; when they say ‘sisters are doing it for themselves’ I guess they really mean it.
In Local News
There was no news this week, because nearly a million people were left in the dark without power. Puget Sound Energy and Seattle City Light responded at a brisk molasses pace to fix the damage caused by Thursday night’s storm, and managed to get areas such as Downtown Seattle, Mercer Island, Medina, and other more affluent neighborhoods up and going within no time. The rest of us middle class bastards had to wait it out later in the week, and a few folks in the sticks are still hoping for illumination. The lesson all of us Puget Sounders can take away from this experience is that in the event of a national disaster or huge earthquake, we are completely fucked (unless you happen to live in Medina).
Worthless Entertainment News
The reigning Miss USA, Tara Conner, will not lose her crown despite allegations of drug use and sexual misconduct. Donald Trump, owner of the Miss USA pageant and a big fan of young, loose blondes, announced that he was concerned with Tara’s well being and will make sure she is checked into rehab, besides the bimbo has given the Miss USA pageant more publicity in the past week than its had in the past ten years, so champagne all around…except for you, Tara.
Controversial Rapper, Eminem became legally divorced from his wife, Kim, for a second time this week after an eight-month court battle that followed the three-month second marriage. Hey Em, perhaps when you write a song about murdering your ex-wife, tear up a blowup doll of her onstage every night during a tour, and have a tattoo on your arm that says “Rot in Pieces”, you may want to re-think the whole “second time’s a charm” scenario. Just a thought.
First Calista Flockhart hooks up with Harrison Ford, then Ana Carolina Reston dies of anorexia, now Lara Flynn Boyle is off the market with her marriage to her boyfriend of eight months, Donald Ray Thomas. Never fear, all you guys into boney chicks, I think I saw some leftover, plastic skeletons from the Halloween sale in the clearance bin at Big Lots. Best of all, they will have the same personality as the real thing.
Quote of the Week
“The message of the fall election was clear: Americans want us to work together to make progress for our country.” – Resident Bush addressing the issue of raising the minimum wage.
The good news was that he was all in favor of a minimum wage increase. The bad news is that he plans to load the bill up with an assload of tax breaks and regulatory relief measures for businesses. He may say he wants to work together, but in the end, our Resident-in-Chief serves one master, and that is the god of big business and moneyed special interests. As a scholar of media, avid reader of social criticisms, and an enterprising commentator on social democracy, I will sum of this “Quote of the Week” with an appropriate quote from Mr. Mole in the Shelly Duvall version of Thumbelina, “you call that progress?”
Monday, December 18, 2006
A Quiet Storm?
It could have been the plot to a decadent romance novel or the kind of slickly produced, near-porn movie you see on Cinemax. Jeff and I showered by candlelight on Friday morning then spent three nights together in a hotel room. Unfortunately, the backdrop of this scenario was the worst windstorm to hit the Pacific Northwest in a dozen years, there ends the sexy element.
Thursday night at 8:45 PM, we lost power. No big whoop, I thought. We went to bed early, and had a restless night as wind gusts got up to 90 miles per hour, and at times sounded like it was tearing the siding off the house. Friday morning, we decided to forego the call to the power company assuming that they would be on top of everything. To make sure we had enough hot water, we got in the shower together, which is one of those things that always sounds way better than it actually is. No matter how coordinated you are, someone always ends up freezing their naked, wet ass off while the other party hogs the water.
I put all of my makeup and hair styling products into a bag, and left for work with the confidence that as a resident of the richest, most resourceful country in the world, my power would be restored by the time I got home that night. It’s Monday, and there is still no power at my house. Best of all, the power company is telling me that it could be Thursday before the lights go back on at my house. The coldest week of the year, on the heels of paying a $300 power bill, and I have no fucking power!
I knew the country’s infrastructure had fallen to shit after the whole Hurricane Katrina situation, but I didn’t have a clue that this was nationwide until Friday night after work when it took me two hours to go the four miles from my house to the hotel, because no one was out directing traffic, and there were no emergency generators to power traffic lights.
Friday night, people were mainly trying to get to the store to buy batteries, fireplace logs, and other urban camping supplies. They were also scrambling to find a place to have dinner since no one wanted to open their refrigerators, because most food can keep for at least 24 hours if you don’t open the fridge. We cleaned our fridge and freezer out on Sunday. Thankfully, I had procrastinated going grocery shopping, which saved me the stress of having to trash at least $100 worth of new food.
For the past three days, we have eaten at restaurants and stayed at a local Hampton Inn. Not a bad place to stay, but I have to say that being in a small room with an energetic three-year-old is a bit of fresh hell I never expected to experience. When Jews die there is a belief that we go to a place kind of like Catholic purgatory (where do you think they got the idea in the first place) to make up for the bad things we’ve done, so that we may enjoy the afterlife as a pure soul. I would have to make the argument that spending 72 hours in a room with my toddler has to, at least, shave my time down to about half.
We are leaving for Southern California on Thursday night to spend the remainder of the year with Jeff’s family. I can only pray that we have power by then. If not, I told Jeff that we would set the house up as if we did have power, and go have a nice vacation in warm and sunny California. As for the rest of the week, we managed to get our gas fireplace going on Saturday, and by tonight the house should be at a cozy 63 degrees, so we will be sleeping on the floor in front of the fireplace hoping that at 2:00 in the morning the glaring lights from the kitchen will wake us up. Until then, I’m calling my house every hour to see if the answering machine turns on, and planning for several chilly nights.
It’s a shame that all of the country’s resources have been squandered elsewhere, and when a disaster hits; we are unable to deal with it in a timely manner. I don’t live out in the sticks; in fact, the people who live two miles away from my house have power. I’m just beginning to wonder how long our politicians will let the infrastructure of this country go before they recognize that there is a big problem. How much disaster will we have to see before we start investing in updating our emergency services? How much Iraq money would it actually take to get us up to date? How long will I have to impose on friends in order to get my family’s laundry done? When will we as a people wake up and realize that deregulating public services and letting corporations take over may be the capitalist dream, but in the end, just leaves us frustrated in a cold house with a toddler who won’t keep her jacket on?
Thursday night at 8:45 PM, we lost power. No big whoop, I thought. We went to bed early, and had a restless night as wind gusts got up to 90 miles per hour, and at times sounded like it was tearing the siding off the house. Friday morning, we decided to forego the call to the power company assuming that they would be on top of everything. To make sure we had enough hot water, we got in the shower together, which is one of those things that always sounds way better than it actually is. No matter how coordinated you are, someone always ends up freezing their naked, wet ass off while the other party hogs the water.
I put all of my makeup and hair styling products into a bag, and left for work with the confidence that as a resident of the richest, most resourceful country in the world, my power would be restored by the time I got home that night. It’s Monday, and there is still no power at my house. Best of all, the power company is telling me that it could be Thursday before the lights go back on at my house. The coldest week of the year, on the heels of paying a $300 power bill, and I have no fucking power!
I knew the country’s infrastructure had fallen to shit after the whole Hurricane Katrina situation, but I didn’t have a clue that this was nationwide until Friday night after work when it took me two hours to go the four miles from my house to the hotel, because no one was out directing traffic, and there were no emergency generators to power traffic lights.
Friday night, people were mainly trying to get to the store to buy batteries, fireplace logs, and other urban camping supplies. They were also scrambling to find a place to have dinner since no one wanted to open their refrigerators, because most food can keep for at least 24 hours if you don’t open the fridge. We cleaned our fridge and freezer out on Sunday. Thankfully, I had procrastinated going grocery shopping, which saved me the stress of having to trash at least $100 worth of new food.
For the past three days, we have eaten at restaurants and stayed at a local Hampton Inn. Not a bad place to stay, but I have to say that being in a small room with an energetic three-year-old is a bit of fresh hell I never expected to experience. When Jews die there is a belief that we go to a place kind of like Catholic purgatory (where do you think they got the idea in the first place) to make up for the bad things we’ve done, so that we may enjoy the afterlife as a pure soul. I would have to make the argument that spending 72 hours in a room with my toddler has to, at least, shave my time down to about half.
We are leaving for Southern California on Thursday night to spend the remainder of the year with Jeff’s family. I can only pray that we have power by then. If not, I told Jeff that we would set the house up as if we did have power, and go have a nice vacation in warm and sunny California. As for the rest of the week, we managed to get our gas fireplace going on Saturday, and by tonight the house should be at a cozy 63 degrees, so we will be sleeping on the floor in front of the fireplace hoping that at 2:00 in the morning the glaring lights from the kitchen will wake us up. Until then, I’m calling my house every hour to see if the answering machine turns on, and planning for several chilly nights.
It’s a shame that all of the country’s resources have been squandered elsewhere, and when a disaster hits; we are unable to deal with it in a timely manner. I don’t live out in the sticks; in fact, the people who live two miles away from my house have power. I’m just beginning to wonder how long our politicians will let the infrastructure of this country go before they recognize that there is a big problem. How much disaster will we have to see before we start investing in updating our emergency services? How much Iraq money would it actually take to get us up to date? How long will I have to impose on friends in order to get my family’s laundry done? When will we as a people wake up and realize that deregulating public services and letting corporations take over may be the capitalist dream, but in the end, just leaves us frustrated in a cold house with a toddler who won’t keep her jacket on?
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Weekly Recap 12/10-16: The Madness of King George & Fascist Good-byes
Headline News Recap
Washington D.C. is in a bit of an uproar as Senator Tim Johnson of South Dakota underwent surgery for bleeding in the brain caused by a genetic malformation. If Johnson is unable to serve, by law, the governor of South Dakota (the state that tried to pass the strictest anti-abortion/woman be damned legislation) gets to appoint the replacement. Even though Johnson is a Democrat, Governor Michael Rounds is a Republican, and would likely appoint a Republican, because in the world of the GOP, it’s not about serving the people, it’s about retaining power. In the event that a Republican is appointed, the GOP would re-gain control of the Senate, and their reign of terror will continue through 2008.
Now for the good news, former fascist Chilean dictator Augusto Pinochet died this week at the age of 91, which further enhances my theory that assholes live forever. Pinochet ousted the democratically elected leader through a military coup in 1973, and took over. During his reign, 3,000 oppositionists were murdered or disappeared, and it is estimated 20,000 people of all ages were tortured. It was argued that Pinochet should have had a state funeral, because while he led Chile, they had amazing economic prosperity and growth. Unfortunately, trading the blood of innocent people for personal wealth isn’t a good thing, so the honorable funeral was out. All I have to say is “rot in hell you fascist bastard, the world is better off without you.”
On the topic of crazy leaders with way too much power, Resident Bush is sending out a warning that Americans must be worried about space terrorism, contending that enemy nations might develop technology to shoot down our satellites or attack NASA. You know, the secret sadistic side of me is almost happy that Bush has another two years in office, because it will be interesting to see just how crazy and fucked up his statements will get. If he didn’t have access to nuclear weapons, I would almost be in favor of giving him his own reality TV show. We could call it “The Madness of King George.”
King George’s disciples were at it this week claiming that soy products lead to homosexuality. They claim that an excess of soy-based products will introduce too much estrogen into the system, and in males, will cause feminizing and homosexuality. As a mama with a lactose intolerant child who has been on soy since birth, all I have to say is, we can call their reality show, “Crazy Eights”, and it can come on following “The Madness of King George.”
Inappropriate behavior (i.e. getting drunk in public) may lead to Tara Conner’s dethroning as Miss USA. In this day and age, with rampant partying by 21-year-olds and the increasing popularity of alcohol advertising, the one thing we should be asking as a society is, “why the hell do we still have beauty pageants”!
Several clergy members have backed a movement called WakeUpWalMart.com, which calls into question Wal-Mart’s treatment of their workers, by asking, “Would Jesus shop at Wal-Mart?” I can answer that one! No, Jesus was a hippy, so he would probably be at PCC and random farmer’s markets for food. For clothes, he would, most likely hit those specialty shops in the University District or take up knitting, and for jewelry, he would look for those dreadlocked, smelly kids at the String Cheese Incident show selling bracelets made out of hemp.
In Local News
Seattle proudly led the battle in the War on Christmas this week causing a national uproar and giving Bill O’Reilly a huge boner. One of the consultants for Sea-Tac International Airport asked the Port of Seattle if they wouldn’t mind placing a menorah next to the big Christmas tree. It seemed like a simple request, but The Port’s intricate process of red tape led to a “no”, “yes”, “no”, “we’re not sure”, “okay, maybe, but not now”, “can I call you back later”, “hey, what happened to my cheese fries” answer. Chabad, a worldwide, ultra-orthodox Jewish group, got involved and all hell broke loose. There were threats back and forth. The Port reacted the only way they knew how, which was badly. The Christmas trees were removed, then put back two days later, and the whole thing was a big bullshit ordeal that kept everyone distracted from a much more serious war. Way to go media!
Worthless Entertainment News
Angelina Jolie said that she never intended to break up the marriage between Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston. I guess someone forgot to tell her that when you fuck another woman’s husband, it makes tends to make their monthly ‘husband and wife date night’ a bit tense.
Nicole Ritchie was busted this week for driving under the influence, and went on record claiming that Vicodin she took to relieve cramps caused her inebriated state. This has inspired me to go on record to claim that those mushrooms I ate at that music festival I attended during college was a snack to relieve hunger.
Disney is quietly campaigning for an Oscar bid for Mel Gibson by trying to convince Academy members that he’s not as bad as Roman Polanski or Woody Allen, because they had inappropriate sex and all Mel did was spew anti-Semitic and sexist statements after getting busted for drunk driving. Under the same logic, O.J. Simpson should be allowed his moment to shine on Fox, because he’s not as bad as Ted Bundy or Gary Ridgeway. Juice only killed two people in just one night, and those other guys killed a lot of people over time.
Quote of the Week
“It seems like they’re afraid of science.” – Marine Biologist Jim Estes commenting on new, more stringent regulations and controls put on scientists by the Bush administration.
Jim, it’s not just science. They are also afraid of truth, democracy, policy that obstructs oil industry profits, policy that reduces the amount of corporate lobbyist money given to politicians, freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the ability to choose your own destiny. What they should be afraid of is what might happen to them when it finally hits people that over 3,000 young American men and women were sent to die for a lie, and that our Earth is being destroyed, so that Bush and his cronies can buy another multi-million dollar yacht. The 5th of November anyone?
Washington D.C. is in a bit of an uproar as Senator Tim Johnson of South Dakota underwent surgery for bleeding in the brain caused by a genetic malformation. If Johnson is unable to serve, by law, the governor of South Dakota (the state that tried to pass the strictest anti-abortion/woman be damned legislation) gets to appoint the replacement. Even though Johnson is a Democrat, Governor Michael Rounds is a Republican, and would likely appoint a Republican, because in the world of the GOP, it’s not about serving the people, it’s about retaining power. In the event that a Republican is appointed, the GOP would re-gain control of the Senate, and their reign of terror will continue through 2008.
Now for the good news, former fascist Chilean dictator Augusto Pinochet died this week at the age of 91, which further enhances my theory that assholes live forever. Pinochet ousted the democratically elected leader through a military coup in 1973, and took over. During his reign, 3,000 oppositionists were murdered or disappeared, and it is estimated 20,000 people of all ages were tortured. It was argued that Pinochet should have had a state funeral, because while he led Chile, they had amazing economic prosperity and growth. Unfortunately, trading the blood of innocent people for personal wealth isn’t a good thing, so the honorable funeral was out. All I have to say is “rot in hell you fascist bastard, the world is better off without you.”
On the topic of crazy leaders with way too much power, Resident Bush is sending out a warning that Americans must be worried about space terrorism, contending that enemy nations might develop technology to shoot down our satellites or attack NASA. You know, the secret sadistic side of me is almost happy that Bush has another two years in office, because it will be interesting to see just how crazy and fucked up his statements will get. If he didn’t have access to nuclear weapons, I would almost be in favor of giving him his own reality TV show. We could call it “The Madness of King George.”
King George’s disciples were at it this week claiming that soy products lead to homosexuality. They claim that an excess of soy-based products will introduce too much estrogen into the system, and in males, will cause feminizing and homosexuality. As a mama with a lactose intolerant child who has been on soy since birth, all I have to say is, we can call their reality show, “Crazy Eights”, and it can come on following “The Madness of King George.”
Inappropriate behavior (i.e. getting drunk in public) may lead to Tara Conner’s dethroning as Miss USA. In this day and age, with rampant partying by 21-year-olds and the increasing popularity of alcohol advertising, the one thing we should be asking as a society is, “why the hell do we still have beauty pageants”!
Several clergy members have backed a movement called WakeUpWalMart.com, which calls into question Wal-Mart’s treatment of their workers, by asking, “Would Jesus shop at Wal-Mart?” I can answer that one! No, Jesus was a hippy, so he would probably be at PCC and random farmer’s markets for food. For clothes, he would, most likely hit those specialty shops in the University District or take up knitting, and for jewelry, he would look for those dreadlocked, smelly kids at the String Cheese Incident show selling bracelets made out of hemp.
In Local News
Seattle proudly led the battle in the War on Christmas this week causing a national uproar and giving Bill O’Reilly a huge boner. One of the consultants for Sea-Tac International Airport asked the Port of Seattle if they wouldn’t mind placing a menorah next to the big Christmas tree. It seemed like a simple request, but The Port’s intricate process of red tape led to a “no”, “yes”, “no”, “we’re not sure”, “okay, maybe, but not now”, “can I call you back later”, “hey, what happened to my cheese fries” answer. Chabad, a worldwide, ultra-orthodox Jewish group, got involved and all hell broke loose. There were threats back and forth. The Port reacted the only way they knew how, which was badly. The Christmas trees were removed, then put back two days later, and the whole thing was a big bullshit ordeal that kept everyone distracted from a much more serious war. Way to go media!
Worthless Entertainment News
Angelina Jolie said that she never intended to break up the marriage between Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston. I guess someone forgot to tell her that when you fuck another woman’s husband, it makes tends to make their monthly ‘husband and wife date night’ a bit tense.
Nicole Ritchie was busted this week for driving under the influence, and went on record claiming that Vicodin she took to relieve cramps caused her inebriated state. This has inspired me to go on record to claim that those mushrooms I ate at that music festival I attended during college was a snack to relieve hunger.
Disney is quietly campaigning for an Oscar bid for Mel Gibson by trying to convince Academy members that he’s not as bad as Roman Polanski or Woody Allen, because they had inappropriate sex and all Mel did was spew anti-Semitic and sexist statements after getting busted for drunk driving. Under the same logic, O.J. Simpson should be allowed his moment to shine on Fox, because he’s not as bad as Ted Bundy or Gary Ridgeway. Juice only killed two people in just one night, and those other guys killed a lot of people over time.
Quote of the Week
“It seems like they’re afraid of science.” – Marine Biologist Jim Estes commenting on new, more stringent regulations and controls put on scientists by the Bush administration.
Jim, it’s not just science. They are also afraid of truth, democracy, policy that obstructs oil industry profits, policy that reduces the amount of corporate lobbyist money given to politicians, freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the ability to choose your own destiny. What they should be afraid of is what might happen to them when it finally hits people that over 3,000 young American men and women were sent to die for a lie, and that our Earth is being destroyed, so that Bush and his cronies can buy another multi-million dollar yacht. The 5th of November anyone?
Sunday, December 10, 2006
Power Struggles
I never thought parenthood would be easy. Even those asinine parenting advice books that lied about so many things told the truth about the daunting responsibility of parenting a developing human. I did, however, believe that power struggles, arguments, and head-butting was something I wouldn’t have to deal with until Miss Rachael became a terrible teenager.
The Situation: Rachael leaves her toys in every room. There are little plastic things everywhere, and when we ask her to clean, she refuses.
The Breaking Point: I’m getting out of bed at night trying to make my way to the bathroom with one eye open in an attempt not to completely wake up. All of the sudden I feel a pain shoot straight up through my foot. Diego, Dora’s cousin, was dressed in his Dora Magic Castle attire, and lying in wait for my innocent foot to fall on him. Step, step, step, OUCH!
My Response: “Rachael, clean up your toys or Mommy is going to throw them away.”
Her Rebuttal: “Mommy, I want to help throw them away.” She takes the plastic garbage bag and begins loading up the toys on the ground; the very ones that she refused only yesterday to put into the wicker toy basket.
The Finale: The bag of toys is still in the garage. She hasn’t asked about them, so Jeff and I are looking at a different approach for getting her to pick things up. Score one for the kid, for now.
The Situation: Rachael doesn’t want to eat her dinner. I’m a great cook, but instead of enjoying her meal, she will take a few bites and run around the living room.
The Breaking Point: She only weighs 28 lbs. and I’m a Jewish mother. The girl has to start eating, that’s all there is to it.
My Response: I begin fixing the kind of cuisine she appreciates; hot dogs, peanut butter and jelly, macaroni and cheese, and whatever happens to be on our plates.
Her Rebuttal: She goes from just eating three bites and running around the living room to eating about five or six bites then running around the living room.
The Finale: Maybe I shouldn’t push. I’ve struggled with weight, and she’ll eat if she’s hungry, so I guess it’s no harm, no foul, right? No score here, it’s a draw.
The Situation: We are in the car and the new Red Hot Chili Pepper’s song, “Snow” comes on.
The Breaking Point: Rachael starts going nuts screaming, “Mommy, Mommy, they singing a song about Diego!”
My Response: “No Honey, they are saying ‘hey oh’, not ‘Diego’.”
Her Rebuttal: “No Mommy, they saying ‘Diego, Diego.’.” Then she begins singing along, and every time Anthony sings ‘hey oh’, Rachael sings along with him with a soulful, ‘Diego.’
The Finale: I just sit in the driver’s seat laughing my ass off. It’s so damn cute. Score one for the Chili Peppers.
The Situation: Rachael wants to choose her own clothing. I’ve presented two options she can choose from, but as time goes on, she wants to choose her own outfit.
The Breaking Point: She walks into the kitchen ready for school wearing her JoJo’s Circus pajama top, purple pants she retrieved from the laundry hamper, pink socks, and her white sandals on the wrong feet.
My Response: “Honey, let’s go upstairs and get something different for you to wear. You can’t wear pajamas to school, your pants are from the dirty laundry, and we don’t wear dirty laundry, and your shoes are nice, but it’s too rainy and cold to wear sandals.”
Her Rebuttal: “No Mommy! This is what I’m wearing!” She then proceeds to stand with her arms crossed and giving me one of those ‘if looks could kill’ faces.
The Finale: I march her raggedy looking ass upstairs, because I’m not one of those perfectionist mommies, but I’m not letting my kid go out looking like a miniature rodeo clown. Score one for good style.
The Situation: Rachael has become quite the music connoisseur. When we are in the car, she will think nothing of telling me to turn the radio station if she does or doesn’t like the song.
The Breaking Point: I flip to the hard rock station. Rachael yells for me to stop, and asks me who is on the radio.
My Response: “It’s a band called Metallica, Sweetie, and the song is called, “Through the Never.” Do you really want to listen to this?
Her Rebuttal: “Yes, Mommy, I really, really like it.”
The Finale: No arguments here. I just drive on with a smile knowing that no matter what comes up in our lives, and how much we butt heads, there will always be a common element we can agree on somewhere along the lines, and thank G-d it’s good music. Score one for Mommy!
The Situation: Rachael leaves her toys in every room. There are little plastic things everywhere, and when we ask her to clean, she refuses.
The Breaking Point: I’m getting out of bed at night trying to make my way to the bathroom with one eye open in an attempt not to completely wake up. All of the sudden I feel a pain shoot straight up through my foot. Diego, Dora’s cousin, was dressed in his Dora Magic Castle attire, and lying in wait for my innocent foot to fall on him. Step, step, step, OUCH!
My Response: “Rachael, clean up your toys or Mommy is going to throw them away.”
Her Rebuttal: “Mommy, I want to help throw them away.” She takes the plastic garbage bag and begins loading up the toys on the ground; the very ones that she refused only yesterday to put into the wicker toy basket.
The Finale: The bag of toys is still in the garage. She hasn’t asked about them, so Jeff and I are looking at a different approach for getting her to pick things up. Score one for the kid, for now.
The Situation: Rachael doesn’t want to eat her dinner. I’m a great cook, but instead of enjoying her meal, she will take a few bites and run around the living room.
The Breaking Point: She only weighs 28 lbs. and I’m a Jewish mother. The girl has to start eating, that’s all there is to it.
My Response: I begin fixing the kind of cuisine she appreciates; hot dogs, peanut butter and jelly, macaroni and cheese, and whatever happens to be on our plates.
Her Rebuttal: She goes from just eating three bites and running around the living room to eating about five or six bites then running around the living room.
The Finale: Maybe I shouldn’t push. I’ve struggled with weight, and she’ll eat if she’s hungry, so I guess it’s no harm, no foul, right? No score here, it’s a draw.
The Situation: We are in the car and the new Red Hot Chili Pepper’s song, “Snow” comes on.
The Breaking Point: Rachael starts going nuts screaming, “Mommy, Mommy, they singing a song about Diego!”
My Response: “No Honey, they are saying ‘hey oh’, not ‘Diego’.”
Her Rebuttal: “No Mommy, they saying ‘Diego, Diego.’.” Then she begins singing along, and every time Anthony sings ‘hey oh’, Rachael sings along with him with a soulful, ‘Diego.’
The Finale: I just sit in the driver’s seat laughing my ass off. It’s so damn cute. Score one for the Chili Peppers.
The Situation: Rachael wants to choose her own clothing. I’ve presented two options she can choose from, but as time goes on, she wants to choose her own outfit.
The Breaking Point: She walks into the kitchen ready for school wearing her JoJo’s Circus pajama top, purple pants she retrieved from the laundry hamper, pink socks, and her white sandals on the wrong feet.
My Response: “Honey, let’s go upstairs and get something different for you to wear. You can’t wear pajamas to school, your pants are from the dirty laundry, and we don’t wear dirty laundry, and your shoes are nice, but it’s too rainy and cold to wear sandals.”
Her Rebuttal: “No Mommy! This is what I’m wearing!” She then proceeds to stand with her arms crossed and giving me one of those ‘if looks could kill’ faces.
The Finale: I march her raggedy looking ass upstairs, because I’m not one of those perfectionist mommies, but I’m not letting my kid go out looking like a miniature rodeo clown. Score one for good style.
The Situation: Rachael has become quite the music connoisseur. When we are in the car, she will think nothing of telling me to turn the radio station if she does or doesn’t like the song.
The Breaking Point: I flip to the hard rock station. Rachael yells for me to stop, and asks me who is on the radio.
My Response: “It’s a band called Metallica, Sweetie, and the song is called, “Through the Never.” Do you really want to listen to this?
Her Rebuttal: “Yes, Mommy, I really, really like it.”
The Finale: No arguments here. I just drive on with a smile knowing that no matter what comes up in our lives, and how much we butt heads, there will always be a common element we can agree on somewhere along the lines, and thank G-d it’s good music. Score one for Mommy!
Friday, December 08, 2006
Weekly Recap 12/3-9: Crazy Catnip & Irreconcilable Iraq
Headline News Recap
The Iraq Study Group (i.e. James Baker and other friends of Resident Bush the First) came out with a report that said Iraq was in a downward spiral, and that the cute Resident Bush Jr. catch phrase, ‘stay the course’ was no longer an option. Next week the Study Group is anticipated to release another report confirming that the sky is, indeed, blue, and that Michael Jackson might not be a good choice if you’re looking for a babysitter. By the way, how much is this study group getting paid?
Heroin, cocaine, amphetamines; be damned! This week an anti-drug group went after the real gateway hazard: catnip. Anti-drug organizations are petitioning to have the active ingredient in catnip, nepetalactone, banned, because they claim that when kids see Fluffy getting all happy, it might make them want to use drugs, too. Some people have way too much fucking time on their hands.
Wal-Mart decided to show its heart by creating an initiative to help management get more in touch with their workers. As a “thank you” to employees, store managers will meet with ten, rank and file workers each day, and offer them an additional 10% off merchandise on top of their normal 10% employee discount. Yep, that should make up for the forced overtime, lack of healthcare benefits, low pay, aggressive union busting, and wage caps.
If you suspected that Taco Bell food might not be all that good for you, then you are ahead of the game. 22 people wound up sick after an E. coli outbreak in New Jersey was linked to the green onions in certain Taco Bell items. Perhaps their new marketing slogan should read, “Yo quiero Pepto Bismol y antibiotics.”
Mary Cheney, the lesbian daughter of Vice Resident Dick Cheney, and his right-wing lunatic wife, Lynne, is expecting a child with her longtime partner, Heather Poe. Unfortunately, due to policies advocated by both of her parents, Mary’s partner of 15 years will have no parental rights to the new little Cheney. And you thought the mood around your family’s holiday table was tense!
This morning (Friday), in an effort to thoroughly fuck the general, tax paying public, again, Congress tried to vote itself a pay raise on the last day before it adjourns for the end of the year. Members of Congress are paid $168,500, and they want a $3,300 cost-of-living increase. Most American families with two parents working don’t make anything close to $168,000 per year. Add in the money these bastards get on a regular basis from lobbyists, and you’ve figured out a new way to retire as a millionaire in this renegade capitalist system they call a democracy. Democrats said they would try to block this, but we’ll see what happens.
In Local News
Yours truly made an appearance on KOMO-TV News on Thursday night in a follow up story about a woman who has been stealing from houses for sale. This bitch made her way into my old house 2 ½ years ago and stole my wedding ring. It was an heirloom piece of jewelry that was originally given to Jeff’s mom by his dad (who was deceased in a tragic accident) when they got married. Apparently the bitch is still at it, ripping off people in the Kent and Renton areas who have tri-level homes on the market for sale. I spoke to the reporter outside in the freezing cold for 20 minutes, and a whole 30 seconds of the interview made it on tape. I was also filmed on a very bad angle, so if you are bored and want to look it up in the KOMO archives, just keep in mind that I don’t normally look that windblown, shivering, and pale. Okay, maybe I’m pale, but not windblown and shivering.
Worthless Entertainment News
Courtney Love claims that six years ago, Prince Andrew, The Duke of York, himself came to her house in the wee hours of the morning wanting to party and looking for chicks. Courtney, Sweetie, it wasn’t Prince Andrew, it was the mailman, and he wasn’t looking for chicks, he was probably bringing you court papers. Perhaps it’s time for another visit to that nice rehab hospital. I hear they have some mighty tasty pudding.
During the Kennedy Center Honors, Jessica Simpson was paying tribute to Honoree Dolly Parton, and ended up butchering the song, “Nine to Five” and leaving the stage in tears. Sorry for the bad experience, Jess, but you, along with Brittney Spears, and Hef’s girlfriend, Kendra, might be beautiful, but you are all dumb as a box of rocks, so just figure out a way to save your money and invest it well, that way, when your looks are gone you won’t have to resort to desperate measures like screwing up my pancake order at IHOP while forgetting to refill my coffee.
Quote of the Week
“The richest 2% of adults in the world own more than half of global household wealth.” – according to a recent study by the World Institute for Development Economics Research entitled, “The World Distribution of Household Wealth”.
Basically the study states that the U.S., Japan, U.K., and several, modernized European countries are at the top of the ladder, while African nations are at the bottom. They claim that the disparities are due less to the fact that the wealthy have a lot of wealth, and more that the poorest nations have very corrupt governments that keep their people in poverty. It is true that many African nations have been devastated due to tribal wars, political corruption, and a lack of industry, but what about the fact that in my country, blonde heiresses who do nothing buy $30,000 pairs of diamond earrings for their dogs and are praised in the media for it, while working families struggle to figure out ways to make ends meet.
My stepdad used to tell me that capitalism was a good thing, but the renegade system we are living under in this country is not my father’s capitalism. 2% should not own half of the world’s wealth, that’s all there is to it.
The Iraq Study Group (i.e. James Baker and other friends of Resident Bush the First) came out with a report that said Iraq was in a downward spiral, and that the cute Resident Bush Jr. catch phrase, ‘stay the course’ was no longer an option. Next week the Study Group is anticipated to release another report confirming that the sky is, indeed, blue, and that Michael Jackson might not be a good choice if you’re looking for a babysitter. By the way, how much is this study group getting paid?
Heroin, cocaine, amphetamines; be damned! This week an anti-drug group went after the real gateway hazard: catnip. Anti-drug organizations are petitioning to have the active ingredient in catnip, nepetalactone, banned, because they claim that when kids see Fluffy getting all happy, it might make them want to use drugs, too. Some people have way too much fucking time on their hands.
Wal-Mart decided to show its heart by creating an initiative to help management get more in touch with their workers. As a “thank you” to employees, store managers will meet with ten, rank and file workers each day, and offer them an additional 10% off merchandise on top of their normal 10% employee discount. Yep, that should make up for the forced overtime, lack of healthcare benefits, low pay, aggressive union busting, and wage caps.
If you suspected that Taco Bell food might not be all that good for you, then you are ahead of the game. 22 people wound up sick after an E. coli outbreak in New Jersey was linked to the green onions in certain Taco Bell items. Perhaps their new marketing slogan should read, “Yo quiero Pepto Bismol y antibiotics.”
Mary Cheney, the lesbian daughter of Vice Resident Dick Cheney, and his right-wing lunatic wife, Lynne, is expecting a child with her longtime partner, Heather Poe. Unfortunately, due to policies advocated by both of her parents, Mary’s partner of 15 years will have no parental rights to the new little Cheney. And you thought the mood around your family’s holiday table was tense!
This morning (Friday), in an effort to thoroughly fuck the general, tax paying public, again, Congress tried to vote itself a pay raise on the last day before it adjourns for the end of the year. Members of Congress are paid $168,500, and they want a $3,300 cost-of-living increase. Most American families with two parents working don’t make anything close to $168,000 per year. Add in the money these bastards get on a regular basis from lobbyists, and you’ve figured out a new way to retire as a millionaire in this renegade capitalist system they call a democracy. Democrats said they would try to block this, but we’ll see what happens.
In Local News
Yours truly made an appearance on KOMO-TV News on Thursday night in a follow up story about a woman who has been stealing from houses for sale. This bitch made her way into my old house 2 ½ years ago and stole my wedding ring. It was an heirloom piece of jewelry that was originally given to Jeff’s mom by his dad (who was deceased in a tragic accident) when they got married. Apparently the bitch is still at it, ripping off people in the Kent and Renton areas who have tri-level homes on the market for sale. I spoke to the reporter outside in the freezing cold for 20 minutes, and a whole 30 seconds of the interview made it on tape. I was also filmed on a very bad angle, so if you are bored and want to look it up in the KOMO archives, just keep in mind that I don’t normally look that windblown, shivering, and pale. Okay, maybe I’m pale, but not windblown and shivering.
Worthless Entertainment News
Courtney Love claims that six years ago, Prince Andrew, The Duke of York, himself came to her house in the wee hours of the morning wanting to party and looking for chicks. Courtney, Sweetie, it wasn’t Prince Andrew, it was the mailman, and he wasn’t looking for chicks, he was probably bringing you court papers. Perhaps it’s time for another visit to that nice rehab hospital. I hear they have some mighty tasty pudding.
During the Kennedy Center Honors, Jessica Simpson was paying tribute to Honoree Dolly Parton, and ended up butchering the song, “Nine to Five” and leaving the stage in tears. Sorry for the bad experience, Jess, but you, along with Brittney Spears, and Hef’s girlfriend, Kendra, might be beautiful, but you are all dumb as a box of rocks, so just figure out a way to save your money and invest it well, that way, when your looks are gone you won’t have to resort to desperate measures like screwing up my pancake order at IHOP while forgetting to refill my coffee.
Quote of the Week
“The richest 2% of adults in the world own more than half of global household wealth.” – according to a recent study by the World Institute for Development Economics Research entitled, “The World Distribution of Household Wealth”.
Basically the study states that the U.S., Japan, U.K., and several, modernized European countries are at the top of the ladder, while African nations are at the bottom. They claim that the disparities are due less to the fact that the wealthy have a lot of wealth, and more that the poorest nations have very corrupt governments that keep their people in poverty. It is true that many African nations have been devastated due to tribal wars, political corruption, and a lack of industry, but what about the fact that in my country, blonde heiresses who do nothing buy $30,000 pairs of diamond earrings for their dogs and are praised in the media for it, while working families struggle to figure out ways to make ends meet.
My stepdad used to tell me that capitalism was a good thing, but the renegade system we are living under in this country is not my father’s capitalism. 2% should not own half of the world’s wealth, that’s all there is to it.
Monday, December 04, 2006
Separation Anxiety
Neocons, evangelicals, and fearmongers all over the United States are having a collective shit over recently elected Representative Keith Ellison’s swearing-in ceremony. Rep. Ellison is a Muslim, and asked to be sworn in using a Koran rather than the standard King James-version of the Holy Bible.
I’m not quite sure what the fuss is all about. First off, why would a non-Christian want to swear on a Christian document? It would be like swearing allegiance by placing your hand on a copy of George Orwell’s 1984, which some might argue may be slightly more relevant these days given the post-9/11 paranoia. Secondly, in a country in which the separation of church and state is written clearly into the Constitution, why should a member of the government have to swear on a holy book at all?
Over the past six years, neocons, Christian activists, and ideologues have worked their collective butts off to interject as much religion into politics as humanly possible. In 2004, a vote for George was a vote for Jesus, despite my inkling that if Jesus were alive today, he would want nothing to do with this president or any of his cronies. Fast-forward to now and Rep. Ellison’s swearing in, and here’s the deal: when you invite religion into government, that doesn’t mean you get to choose which religion comes in.
There are 1.2 billion Muslims in the world, and a portion of that population resides in the United States, under the basic law of averages, you have to figure they are going to have at least one representative in the national government. I’m sure there was at least one Jewish representative that asked for a copy of the Torah at their swearing in ceremony. I’ll even be so bold as to predict that with the large Indian population accumulating in the U.S. that within the next ten years, we will have a Hindu representative as well who just might asked to be sworn in on a copy of the Bhagavad-Gita.
Let’s cut through the bullshit, this whole uproar isn’t about the book that Rep. Ellison wanted to put his hand on; it’s the fact that he’s a Muslim. There is such a fear of Islam right now in this country that the very idea of a moderate Muslim, let alone one who has pledged his allegiance to the United States, is incomprehensible to the general public.
Herein lies the reason why religion and politics should never mix. If the citizenry of this country is afraid of an Islamic fundamentalist takeover then they should be voting for candidates who want nothing to do with religion in politics. The moment a candidate says he votes in line with his religion on any subject he should be kicked out on his ass quicker than Courtney Love at a Seattle house party.
Does this mean abandoning good morals and values? Not at all. However, the morals and values that our political system should be involved in (i.e. murder, theft, caring for the poor, etc.) are pretty universal across all forms of faiths. Even Satanists would agree that providing health care for a mentally retarded person or dismantling a meth lab is a good idea.
Aside from separation of church and state, our Constitution was designed to provide “liberty and justice for all.” This doesn’t mean liberty and justice for Christians, only. It means accommodating peoples of all nations, backgrounds, and beliefs.
We live in a Christian nation, and as a non-Christian, much like the bulk of non-Christians, I realize that and I have absolutely no problem with it. However, when one faith wants to create a theocracy in a democracy, they should proceed with caution, because they may find out that when the majority rules, it might not be the majority they had in mind.
I’m not quite sure what the fuss is all about. First off, why would a non-Christian want to swear on a Christian document? It would be like swearing allegiance by placing your hand on a copy of George Orwell’s 1984, which some might argue may be slightly more relevant these days given the post-9/11 paranoia. Secondly, in a country in which the separation of church and state is written clearly into the Constitution, why should a member of the government have to swear on a holy book at all?
Over the past six years, neocons, Christian activists, and ideologues have worked their collective butts off to interject as much religion into politics as humanly possible. In 2004, a vote for George was a vote for Jesus, despite my inkling that if Jesus were alive today, he would want nothing to do with this president or any of his cronies. Fast-forward to now and Rep. Ellison’s swearing in, and here’s the deal: when you invite religion into government, that doesn’t mean you get to choose which religion comes in.
There are 1.2 billion Muslims in the world, and a portion of that population resides in the United States, under the basic law of averages, you have to figure they are going to have at least one representative in the national government. I’m sure there was at least one Jewish representative that asked for a copy of the Torah at their swearing in ceremony. I’ll even be so bold as to predict that with the large Indian population accumulating in the U.S. that within the next ten years, we will have a Hindu representative as well who just might asked to be sworn in on a copy of the Bhagavad-Gita.
Let’s cut through the bullshit, this whole uproar isn’t about the book that Rep. Ellison wanted to put his hand on; it’s the fact that he’s a Muslim. There is such a fear of Islam right now in this country that the very idea of a moderate Muslim, let alone one who has pledged his allegiance to the United States, is incomprehensible to the general public.
Herein lies the reason why religion and politics should never mix. If the citizenry of this country is afraid of an Islamic fundamentalist takeover then they should be voting for candidates who want nothing to do with religion in politics. The moment a candidate says he votes in line with his religion on any subject he should be kicked out on his ass quicker than Courtney Love at a Seattle house party.
Does this mean abandoning good morals and values? Not at all. However, the morals and values that our political system should be involved in (i.e. murder, theft, caring for the poor, etc.) are pretty universal across all forms of faiths. Even Satanists would agree that providing health care for a mentally retarded person or dismantling a meth lab is a good idea.
Aside from separation of church and state, our Constitution was designed to provide “liberty and justice for all.” This doesn’t mean liberty and justice for Christians, only. It means accommodating peoples of all nations, backgrounds, and beliefs.
We live in a Christian nation, and as a non-Christian, much like the bulk of non-Christians, I realize that and I have absolutely no problem with it. However, when one faith wants to create a theocracy in a democracy, they should proceed with caution, because they may find out that when the majority rules, it might not be the majority they had in mind.
Friday, December 01, 2006
Weekly Recap 11/26-12/1: Spy vs. Spy & Scary Snowstorms
Headline News Recap
Taking the lead from Mad magazine, all of the major media outlets seemed to be focused on the mysterious poisoning death of former Russian spy, Alexander Litvinenko. The plot thickened this week as several people who met with Litvinenko, prior to his death, fell ill with radiation poisoning, and one of who has died from the effects. Has anyone bothered to check Putin’s ass for a heart tattoo featuring the face of the original Big Brother with an insignia underneath that reads, “Vlad & Joseph Forever?” Just curious.
Organizers of a Christmas festival in Chicago have banned promos of the new movie, The Nativity Story, because they say it might offend non-Christians. As a non-Christian, let me say that I find the annoying music far more offensive than a movie preview where Joseph and Mary actually look like Jews, unlike some previous renditions of the story where the Jesus baby is blonde-haired and blue-eyed.
Resident Bush is now campaigning to raise a whopping $500 million for his presidential library. Okay, George, I want you to crap in one hand, wish in the other, and tell me which one gets full first. Besides, are there really that many remedial-level books currently in print to fill a $500 million library?
Neocon blowhard and 2008 presidential candidate Newt Gingrich said that the country will be forced to examine freedom of speech to meet the growing threat of terrorism. I’m sure the first item of speech he would choose to eliminate would be people snickering while exclaiming, “yeah right” when they are told Gingrich is actually running for president.
As if creative birth control wasn’t getting weird enough, German sex educators are developing a spray-on condom that they hope to have on the market by 2008. It involves the male inserting his member into a special can that would give a full 360-degree latex coating. Sounds interesting, but they are going to have a bitch of a time trying to find test subjects.
In Local News
The biggest snowstorm since 1996 hit my area of the world this week. On Wednesday, I was trapped in the house all day with my crazy, nearly 3-year-old. We made cookies, did crafts, and argued over taking a nap. Most fun, however, by the end of the day I was empathizing with Shelly Duvall’s character from The Shining just a bit.
Nick Lachey, formerly Mr. Jessica Simpson, is now batting for Seattle Mariners’ farm team the Tacoma Rainiers. Apparently, Lachey has recently become part owner of the Rainiers, and has decided to be more involved in the team to raise awareness of Rainiers baseball. Good luck, Nick. Do your damnedest, because the Rainiers always donate tickets to my auction events, and maybe your involvement will actually make those things sell for more than $20 on the silent auction table.
Worthless Entertainment News
Pam Anderson and Kid Rock are getting divorced after a daunting three-month marriage. Apparently Kid launched into a tirade calling Pam a slut for her role in the movie Borat. My question is, so when is the sex video coming out?
Lindsay Lohan is apparently going to AA meetings, which is contrary to her repeated denials of not having an alcohol problem, but let’s face it, we all say the stupidest things when we're drunk.
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals recently voted Nicole Ritchie the worst dressed celeb for constantly wearing fur in public. Nicole might take that as offensive if it hadn’t come from an organization that once compared Jewish intellectuals murdered during the Holocaust to chickens.
Quote of the Week
“I don’t want to have to deal with global warming, to tell you the truth.” – Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia. That’s right, Justice Scalia would rather deal with more important issues such as flag burning, re-affirming that women should be barefoot and pregnant instead of taking jobs away from men, legislation that enables corporations to do whatever the hell they want, and deciding the outcome of a presidential election regardless of the popular vote.
Taking the lead from Mad magazine, all of the major media outlets seemed to be focused on the mysterious poisoning death of former Russian spy, Alexander Litvinenko. The plot thickened this week as several people who met with Litvinenko, prior to his death, fell ill with radiation poisoning, and one of who has died from the effects. Has anyone bothered to check Putin’s ass for a heart tattoo featuring the face of the original Big Brother with an insignia underneath that reads, “Vlad & Joseph Forever?” Just curious.
Organizers of a Christmas festival in Chicago have banned promos of the new movie, The Nativity Story, because they say it might offend non-Christians. As a non-Christian, let me say that I find the annoying music far more offensive than a movie preview where Joseph and Mary actually look like Jews, unlike some previous renditions of the story where the Jesus baby is blonde-haired and blue-eyed.
Resident Bush is now campaigning to raise a whopping $500 million for his presidential library. Okay, George, I want you to crap in one hand, wish in the other, and tell me which one gets full first. Besides, are there really that many remedial-level books currently in print to fill a $500 million library?
Neocon blowhard and 2008 presidential candidate Newt Gingrich said that the country will be forced to examine freedom of speech to meet the growing threat of terrorism. I’m sure the first item of speech he would choose to eliminate would be people snickering while exclaiming, “yeah right” when they are told Gingrich is actually running for president.
As if creative birth control wasn’t getting weird enough, German sex educators are developing a spray-on condom that they hope to have on the market by 2008. It involves the male inserting his member into a special can that would give a full 360-degree latex coating. Sounds interesting, but they are going to have a bitch of a time trying to find test subjects.
In Local News
The biggest snowstorm since 1996 hit my area of the world this week. On Wednesday, I was trapped in the house all day with my crazy, nearly 3-year-old. We made cookies, did crafts, and argued over taking a nap. Most fun, however, by the end of the day I was empathizing with Shelly Duvall’s character from The Shining just a bit.
Nick Lachey, formerly Mr. Jessica Simpson, is now batting for Seattle Mariners’ farm team the Tacoma Rainiers. Apparently, Lachey has recently become part owner of the Rainiers, and has decided to be more involved in the team to raise awareness of Rainiers baseball. Good luck, Nick. Do your damnedest, because the Rainiers always donate tickets to my auction events, and maybe your involvement will actually make those things sell for more than $20 on the silent auction table.
Worthless Entertainment News
Pam Anderson and Kid Rock are getting divorced after a daunting three-month marriage. Apparently Kid launched into a tirade calling Pam a slut for her role in the movie Borat. My question is, so when is the sex video coming out?
Lindsay Lohan is apparently going to AA meetings, which is contrary to her repeated denials of not having an alcohol problem, but let’s face it, we all say the stupidest things when we're drunk.
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals recently voted Nicole Ritchie the worst dressed celeb for constantly wearing fur in public. Nicole might take that as offensive if it hadn’t come from an organization that once compared Jewish intellectuals murdered during the Holocaust to chickens.
Quote of the Week
“I don’t want to have to deal with global warming, to tell you the truth.” – Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia. That’s right, Justice Scalia would rather deal with more important issues such as flag burning, re-affirming that women should be barefoot and pregnant instead of taking jobs away from men, legislation that enables corporations to do whatever the hell they want, and deciding the outcome of a presidential election regardless of the popular vote.
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Twos are Terrible, but Three is Just Plain Asshole
My friend Stacy was on the phone exasperated. She couldn’t quite put her finger on a description of her three-year-old son’s behavior.
“He doesn’t care. He just doesn’t fucking care. He tells me what I want to hear, and says, ‘Mommy, your hair is so pretty’ and its all bullshit. He tells us off and he’s just, he’s just…”
“An asshole.” I say giving her the perfect description for her toddler.
“Exactly!” she exclaims with a joy only felt through mutual understanding.
Every book, unwanted advice giver, family member, and all forms of media seem fixated on the terrible twos. Two-year-olds are tantrum-ridden demon spawn, but they don’t tell you what happens a mere 12 months later when their birthdays come around and two, two and a half, two and three-quarters, gives way to age three.
Today I will reveal the secret. I will lift this veil of fallacy. I will be the truth-teller who broadcasts the news to all who will hear me, and bring warning to those parents with sweet infants. Twos may be terrible, but at age three, your kid will turn into a complete asshole.
I remember waiting for the shit-storm that was supposed to be the terrible twos. Rachael was 26 months and still a pretty decent little girl. She would be fussy at times, but nothing awful. I thought for a moment that maybe I lucked out, and this whole “terrible two” thing was just one of those myths. The screaming and wailing seemed to come from out of nowhere. Rachael began kicking and flailing over something trivial sending chills down my spine as I knew I was looking at a bonafide terrible two.
We are less than a week away from Miss Rachael’s third birthday, and the tantrums are coming less and less. Unfortunately, the assholeness that is age three is taking hold with a vengeance. You can almost empathize with a two-year-old’s fits, because they lack the knowledge of language to verbalize their wants and needs, but by age three, they have not only mastered the spoken word, they know how to use it to get what they want.
Three-year-olds are masters of manipulation telling you exactly what you want to hear. I can’t even count the number of times I’ve sent Rachael to time-out only to hear her yelling, “I want to say ‘I’m sorry.’” She usually follows it up with, ‘I’ll be a good girl’ or ‘I love you, Mommy’. Of course the moment she is released from her three-minute time-out, she’s back to her same old bad behavior.
Three-year-olds are also completely narcissistic. They think only of themselves and walk around like mini emperors trying to test your limits. Stacy’s son will walk around the house during naptime telling his parents nonchalantly that he’s “sorry” about not hanging out in his room. Rachael will put her hands on her hips and tell me what she wants to do, and also inform me what I need to do.
“Mommy, make me peanut butter and jelly.” she’ll say. “I want it with some juice, and I want it now. Put it on the table.”
This is the same child who a mere two and a half years ago was my sweet, cuddly infant who would coo and smile and only fuss when she was hungry or wet. Now she can cry on command and throw herself against the couch in her best Vivian Leigh as Scarlet O’Hara moment. She will smile, act coy, and charm the daylights out of you, but if you cross her, Rachael will turn downright evil in two seconds. Frankly, it’s the damnedest thing I’ve ever seen.
We will celebrate her third birthday this weekend with all of the pomp and circumstance she has demanded and detailed extensively. However, I don’t know about the days that will follow. I will do my best to make that girl honest and put the kibosh on her asshole behavior, but like with everything else I’ve discovered in my parenting adventure, there will be no guidelines, no rules, and especially, no guarantees.
“He doesn’t care. He just doesn’t fucking care. He tells me what I want to hear, and says, ‘Mommy, your hair is so pretty’ and its all bullshit. He tells us off and he’s just, he’s just…”
“An asshole.” I say giving her the perfect description for her toddler.
“Exactly!” she exclaims with a joy only felt through mutual understanding.
Every book, unwanted advice giver, family member, and all forms of media seem fixated on the terrible twos. Two-year-olds are tantrum-ridden demon spawn, but they don’t tell you what happens a mere 12 months later when their birthdays come around and two, two and a half, two and three-quarters, gives way to age three.
Today I will reveal the secret. I will lift this veil of fallacy. I will be the truth-teller who broadcasts the news to all who will hear me, and bring warning to those parents with sweet infants. Twos may be terrible, but at age three, your kid will turn into a complete asshole.
I remember waiting for the shit-storm that was supposed to be the terrible twos. Rachael was 26 months and still a pretty decent little girl. She would be fussy at times, but nothing awful. I thought for a moment that maybe I lucked out, and this whole “terrible two” thing was just one of those myths. The screaming and wailing seemed to come from out of nowhere. Rachael began kicking and flailing over something trivial sending chills down my spine as I knew I was looking at a bonafide terrible two.
We are less than a week away from Miss Rachael’s third birthday, and the tantrums are coming less and less. Unfortunately, the assholeness that is age three is taking hold with a vengeance. You can almost empathize with a two-year-old’s fits, because they lack the knowledge of language to verbalize their wants and needs, but by age three, they have not only mastered the spoken word, they know how to use it to get what they want.
Three-year-olds are masters of manipulation telling you exactly what you want to hear. I can’t even count the number of times I’ve sent Rachael to time-out only to hear her yelling, “I want to say ‘I’m sorry.’” She usually follows it up with, ‘I’ll be a good girl’ or ‘I love you, Mommy’. Of course the moment she is released from her three-minute time-out, she’s back to her same old bad behavior.
Three-year-olds are also completely narcissistic. They think only of themselves and walk around like mini emperors trying to test your limits. Stacy’s son will walk around the house during naptime telling his parents nonchalantly that he’s “sorry” about not hanging out in his room. Rachael will put her hands on her hips and tell me what she wants to do, and also inform me what I need to do.
“Mommy, make me peanut butter and jelly.” she’ll say. “I want it with some juice, and I want it now. Put it on the table.”
This is the same child who a mere two and a half years ago was my sweet, cuddly infant who would coo and smile and only fuss when she was hungry or wet. Now she can cry on command and throw herself against the couch in her best Vivian Leigh as Scarlet O’Hara moment. She will smile, act coy, and charm the daylights out of you, but if you cross her, Rachael will turn downright evil in two seconds. Frankly, it’s the damnedest thing I’ve ever seen.
We will celebrate her third birthday this weekend with all of the pomp and circumstance she has demanded and detailed extensively. However, I don’t know about the days that will follow. I will do my best to make that girl honest and put the kibosh on her asshole behavior, but like with everything else I’ve discovered in my parenting adventure, there will be no guidelines, no rules, and especially, no guarantees.
Sunday, November 26, 2006
A Note to the Dora Marketing Bastards
It started so easy; my daughter’s love of Dora the Explorer. In the beginning, Rachael was 18 months and responded to the animated Latina’s annoyingly cute songs and brightly colored clothes. My little munchkin loved Dora’s sidekick, Boots the Monkey, and by watching Dora she could learn a little Spanish as a bonus. It seemed so harmless; after all, what real damage could an hour of Dora during the week do to a child.
Rachael’s love of Dora began turning the dangerous corner when she was nearing age two. Rachael wanted to watch Dora videos all of the time. Jeff and I tried to pepper in some Maisy, with a little bit of Miffy, and even tried to get her turned onto a little of our nostalgia with School House Rock, but she was having none of it. Maisy would last for a half hour, Miffy was fine for 20 minutes, but it always ended with Rachael screaming her devotion to Dora.
For her second birthday party we did a Dora theme, and little did I (the media scholar) realize we were enabling our girl’s addiction. Now, as we are coming to Rachael’s third birthday I am ashamed to admit that I have a fully functional Doraophile as a daughter.
Rachael informed us a month ago that her party was to be Dora-themed. She wanted a Dora cake, a Dora pinata, Dora plates, Dora napkins, Dora party favors, and all of the other Dora shit on the market. Fortunately, the branding ogres have thought ahead, and haven’t missed a beat creating all things Dora for a little girl’s birthday party.
Of course, it gets worse. I realized that my daughter’s obsession was getting out of hand when I was at the store at 10:00 PM on a Saturday night spending an ungodly amount of money on the Dora castle. If I was a heartless corporate marketing whore, I’d give a big “hats off” to those bastards who created the Dora the Explorer Magic Castle. Jeff and I managed to get the castle on sale at Toys ‘R’ Us for a low price thanks to a $3 off coupon, and $45 in gift cards. The catch is that the castle, much like a new home, is unfurnished.
Each room of furniture for the castle was $10, times five rooms, plus the royal characters, which also are sold separately, and at the end of the day, you’ve spent a disgusting amount of money on a toy. Jeff and I thought about slipping in another, generic dollhouse, and just buying the Dora castle figurines, but unfortunately, all of those hours of Dora have made our girl smart, and we weren’t going to get away with slipping her a fake castle. Rachael managed to memorize all of the cool things the Dora castle does by studying the display for 10 minutes. As I pushed her in the cart she went on and on about how you can use the special magic wand to make the Dora castle do fun things, and how the Dora castle talks to you.
My daughter’s obsession with Dora is now complete. She has all of Dora’s movies, most of the Dora dolls, Dora bath toys, the Dora talking kitchen, a set of Dora bedding, Dora games, Dora books, and now the over-priced Dora castle with the furniture and characters. To my credit, most of the Dora items in her playroom were gifts from family and friends. However, I should have put the kibosh on this a long time ago, but how could I have known that the innocent looking cartoon sweetie teaching my girl to count in both English and Spanish was really the figurehead for a mass marketing evil empire.
You may have won this round, marketing bastards, but this mommy is now wise to your game. I’m keeping an eye on my girl’s childhood obsessions from here out. In fact, I’ve already started her on a book series called Sweet Pickles. The Pickles are wholesome, teach good lessons, and are no longer in print. I buy her these second hand books from eBay and used bookstores. There are no Sweet Pickles bathroom sets, Sweet Pickles toys, Sweet Pickles DVD players, and best of all, no fucking Sweet Pickles magic castle with furniture and characters sold separately!
Rachael’s love of Dora began turning the dangerous corner when she was nearing age two. Rachael wanted to watch Dora videos all of the time. Jeff and I tried to pepper in some Maisy, with a little bit of Miffy, and even tried to get her turned onto a little of our nostalgia with School House Rock, but she was having none of it. Maisy would last for a half hour, Miffy was fine for 20 minutes, but it always ended with Rachael screaming her devotion to Dora.
For her second birthday party we did a Dora theme, and little did I (the media scholar) realize we were enabling our girl’s addiction. Now, as we are coming to Rachael’s third birthday I am ashamed to admit that I have a fully functional Doraophile as a daughter.
Rachael informed us a month ago that her party was to be Dora-themed. She wanted a Dora cake, a Dora pinata, Dora plates, Dora napkins, Dora party favors, and all of the other Dora shit on the market. Fortunately, the branding ogres have thought ahead, and haven’t missed a beat creating all things Dora for a little girl’s birthday party.
Of course, it gets worse. I realized that my daughter’s obsession was getting out of hand when I was at the store at 10:00 PM on a Saturday night spending an ungodly amount of money on the Dora castle. If I was a heartless corporate marketing whore, I’d give a big “hats off” to those bastards who created the Dora the Explorer Magic Castle. Jeff and I managed to get the castle on sale at Toys ‘R’ Us for a low price thanks to a $3 off coupon, and $45 in gift cards. The catch is that the castle, much like a new home, is unfurnished.
Each room of furniture for the castle was $10, times five rooms, plus the royal characters, which also are sold separately, and at the end of the day, you’ve spent a disgusting amount of money on a toy. Jeff and I thought about slipping in another, generic dollhouse, and just buying the Dora castle figurines, but unfortunately, all of those hours of Dora have made our girl smart, and we weren’t going to get away with slipping her a fake castle. Rachael managed to memorize all of the cool things the Dora castle does by studying the display for 10 minutes. As I pushed her in the cart she went on and on about how you can use the special magic wand to make the Dora castle do fun things, and how the Dora castle talks to you.
My daughter’s obsession with Dora is now complete. She has all of Dora’s movies, most of the Dora dolls, Dora bath toys, the Dora talking kitchen, a set of Dora bedding, Dora games, Dora books, and now the over-priced Dora castle with the furniture and characters. To my credit, most of the Dora items in her playroom were gifts from family and friends. However, I should have put the kibosh on this a long time ago, but how could I have known that the innocent looking cartoon sweetie teaching my girl to count in both English and Spanish was really the figurehead for a mass marketing evil empire.
You may have won this round, marketing bastards, but this mommy is now wise to your game. I’m keeping an eye on my girl’s childhood obsessions from here out. In fact, I’ve already started her on a book series called Sweet Pickles. The Pickles are wholesome, teach good lessons, and are no longer in print. I buy her these second hand books from eBay and used bookstores. There are no Sweet Pickles bathroom sets, Sweet Pickles toys, Sweet Pickles DVD players, and best of all, no fucking Sweet Pickles magic castle with furniture and characters sold separately!
Friday, November 24, 2006
Weekly Recap 11/19-25: Rupert Loves O.J. & Racist Kramer
Headline News Recap
The biggest story this week wasn’t the war, the colossal national debt, or even a natural disaster that hit someone somewhere. Hats off to the media for contributing nothing to the collective IQ of the nation as they went non-stop with O.J., O.J., O.J. This week O.J.’s book, which some speculate is a confession, was shelved by Judith Regan’s publishing company, which is owned by Rupert Murdoch’s evil empire, News Corporation. News Corporation also pulled the multi-hour interview special from its Fox channels, claiming that the whole exploitation would have been bad for the reputation of the company. Reputation!?! Considering that this is the same company that aired that midget dating show, this whole boycott of all things O.J. is pure bullshit. The book and the interview will come out, and due to the controversy, it will end up making five times the original income projections. Rupert Murdoch doesn’t give a flying fuck about offending people. This was the same guy who two weeks ago said that the loss of only 3,000 American troops was insignificant in terms of a war. O.J. is an asshole, but Rupert is an evil bastard, and neither one of them deserve a dime of hardworking people’s money.
A big blow to democracy and peace came this week with the assassination of Lebanese Cabinet Minister Pierre Gemayel. The anti-Syrian Gemayel was brutally gunned down in Beirut, making him the sixth anti-Syrian politician murdered in the past two years. Gemayel had a lot going against him; he was a Christian which rubbed the wingnuts in Hezbollah wrong, he was anti-Syrian which pissed off the Syrian occupiers, and he was a democratically elected official, which doesn’t seem to go over too well in that area.
Wednesday lactating mamas held “nurse-in” rallies at over 30 airports to protest an incident where a mom and her family were kicked off a Delta Airlines flight, because she offended a flight attendant by not throwing a bulky, smothering blanket over her nursing infant’s head during the breast-feeding process. The woman and her family were escorted off the plane and re-assigned to a different flight the next day. To the flight attendant who was offended I say, “Get a life, you miserable cunt!” and to Delta Airlines, “You are giving flight attendants way too much power.” There is a big difference between a possible terrorist and a mama who is nurturing her child in the most natural way. Sorry people, but boobies aren’t just for looking at.
Hunger no longer exists in the U.S. A new report by the U.S. Department of Agriculture has decided to drop the word “hunger” from its lingo claiming that the term “very low food security” was a more accurate description. Under this new U.S. government language re-assignment we can say that the Hurricane Katrina survivors aren’t “homeless” they are “currently in residential transition” and that America doesn’t have an “obesity problem” it simply has citizens who “enjoy a leisurely lifestyle and a chemically-enriched diet a little too much.”
Former Russian Spy, Alexander Litvinenko, died Thursday night after being poisoned nearly a month ago. He had been a vocal critic of Vladimir Putin’s government, and had been investigating the murder of a Russian journalist who was investigating Putin. I guess the old Soviet ideal of “shut the fuck up or we’ll kill you” isn’t dead after all.
In Local News
Last week’s Blackest of the Black tour was amazing. If you are on the West Coast and have a chance to see it, do yourself a favor! Jeff and I saw the movie, Borat, and laughed ourselves silly. The scene with the fat, naked guy is a little gross, but we nearly pissed ourselves through the entire flick. Do yourself another favor and see this movie.
Even though it’s Black Friday, and there are a lot of good deals, I’m not going shopping. It’s not the crowds or the competition or the long wait in check out lines keeping me away, it’s the Christmas music. If I had the choice between gouging my own eye out with a plastic spork from KFC or listening to two straight hours of “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree”, I would end up crying in a corner, babbling to myself like a crazy person, and fidgeting with the spork’s plastic wrapping. Seriously, that annoying song and “Santa Baby” make me want to gun down the mall elves.
Celebrities Who Amused Me This Week
Michael Richards, the actor who portrayed the beloved character Kramer on the show Seinfeld, became the darling of every morning zoo radio talk show this week. Apparently he was performing at a club where two black guys were heckling, and then Richards went off on an “n-word” laced tirade for several minutes. He is now pulling something of a Mel Gibson claiming that he isn’t a racist, and just lost his head. Michael, I’ve lost my head a few times, and like Mel, I’ve been pretty drunk, but unlike either of you, I have never gone off on a hateful, racist tantrum. Most of the time I’ve just ended up laughing myself silly, and making out with the ugly guy.
Fox News said there are plans in the works to come out with a right-wing version of The Daily Show. This will prove to be both interesting and challenging since right-wing lunatics usually don’t have a sense of humor.
Fox News seems to be on a roll this week as their own bespeckled blowhard Neil Cavuto claimed that the new kids movie about penguins, Happy Feet, was nothing more than an animated version of An Inconvenient Truth, because it had the nerve to feature an adult penguin with one of those plastic six-pack holder things stuck around its neck and talk about ice caps melting. Not since the whole “The purple Teletubbie is a fag” thing have I heard such asinine shit. However, there is a message to be heard, so for the last time; Fox wants nothing to do with truth, obvious, inconvenient or otherwise! No more truth!
So-called Magician, David Blaine, did another “trick” this week by escaping from a gyroscope hoisted above New York’s Times Square after two days of being strapped to the spinning device. As with all of David Blaine’s “magic tricks” I have to ask, ‘what about this is magic?’ If I wanted to see someone vomiting atop a building in New York City, I’d watch a model during her photo shoot lunch break.
Quote of the Week
“We’re going to have tough days ahead of us.” – Ken Johnson, spokesman for the Pharmaceutical Research and Manufacturers of America on the recent elections where many of their Republican allies lost House and Senate seats to Democrats.
Good! This was a whole article about how lobbyists who work for drug, oil, and environmentally damaging companies are shaking in their boots, because the Dems might not be as susceptible to the bribes for lenient legislation, unlike their Republican predecessors. I truly hope this is the case, because democracy isn’t democracy if they aren’t working for we the people. Besides, they’d better watch their ass, because when democracy fails, the politicians and the power elite are usually the first ones to get gunned down in a violent, citizen uprising. Alternative history books don’t lie; unlike the whitewashed shit they made us read at school.
The biggest story this week wasn’t the war, the colossal national debt, or even a natural disaster that hit someone somewhere. Hats off to the media for contributing nothing to the collective IQ of the nation as they went non-stop with O.J., O.J., O.J. This week O.J.’s book, which some speculate is a confession, was shelved by Judith Regan’s publishing company, which is owned by Rupert Murdoch’s evil empire, News Corporation. News Corporation also pulled the multi-hour interview special from its Fox channels, claiming that the whole exploitation would have been bad for the reputation of the company. Reputation!?! Considering that this is the same company that aired that midget dating show, this whole boycott of all things O.J. is pure bullshit. The book and the interview will come out, and due to the controversy, it will end up making five times the original income projections. Rupert Murdoch doesn’t give a flying fuck about offending people. This was the same guy who two weeks ago said that the loss of only 3,000 American troops was insignificant in terms of a war. O.J. is an asshole, but Rupert is an evil bastard, and neither one of them deserve a dime of hardworking people’s money.
A big blow to democracy and peace came this week with the assassination of Lebanese Cabinet Minister Pierre Gemayel. The anti-Syrian Gemayel was brutally gunned down in Beirut, making him the sixth anti-Syrian politician murdered in the past two years. Gemayel had a lot going against him; he was a Christian which rubbed the wingnuts in Hezbollah wrong, he was anti-Syrian which pissed off the Syrian occupiers, and he was a democratically elected official, which doesn’t seem to go over too well in that area.
Wednesday lactating mamas held “nurse-in” rallies at over 30 airports to protest an incident where a mom and her family were kicked off a Delta Airlines flight, because she offended a flight attendant by not throwing a bulky, smothering blanket over her nursing infant’s head during the breast-feeding process. The woman and her family were escorted off the plane and re-assigned to a different flight the next day. To the flight attendant who was offended I say, “Get a life, you miserable cunt!” and to Delta Airlines, “You are giving flight attendants way too much power.” There is a big difference between a possible terrorist and a mama who is nurturing her child in the most natural way. Sorry people, but boobies aren’t just for looking at.
Hunger no longer exists in the U.S. A new report by the U.S. Department of Agriculture has decided to drop the word “hunger” from its lingo claiming that the term “very low food security” was a more accurate description. Under this new U.S. government language re-assignment we can say that the Hurricane Katrina survivors aren’t “homeless” they are “currently in residential transition” and that America doesn’t have an “obesity problem” it simply has citizens who “enjoy a leisurely lifestyle and a chemically-enriched diet a little too much.”
Former Russian Spy, Alexander Litvinenko, died Thursday night after being poisoned nearly a month ago. He had been a vocal critic of Vladimir Putin’s government, and had been investigating the murder of a Russian journalist who was investigating Putin. I guess the old Soviet ideal of “shut the fuck up or we’ll kill you” isn’t dead after all.
In Local News
Last week’s Blackest of the Black tour was amazing. If you are on the West Coast and have a chance to see it, do yourself a favor! Jeff and I saw the movie, Borat, and laughed ourselves silly. The scene with the fat, naked guy is a little gross, but we nearly pissed ourselves through the entire flick. Do yourself another favor and see this movie.
Even though it’s Black Friday, and there are a lot of good deals, I’m not going shopping. It’s not the crowds or the competition or the long wait in check out lines keeping me away, it’s the Christmas music. If I had the choice between gouging my own eye out with a plastic spork from KFC or listening to two straight hours of “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree”, I would end up crying in a corner, babbling to myself like a crazy person, and fidgeting with the spork’s plastic wrapping. Seriously, that annoying song and “Santa Baby” make me want to gun down the mall elves.
Celebrities Who Amused Me This Week
Michael Richards, the actor who portrayed the beloved character Kramer on the show Seinfeld, became the darling of every morning zoo radio talk show this week. Apparently he was performing at a club where two black guys were heckling, and then Richards went off on an “n-word” laced tirade for several minutes. He is now pulling something of a Mel Gibson claiming that he isn’t a racist, and just lost his head. Michael, I’ve lost my head a few times, and like Mel, I’ve been pretty drunk, but unlike either of you, I have never gone off on a hateful, racist tantrum. Most of the time I’ve just ended up laughing myself silly, and making out with the ugly guy.
Fox News said there are plans in the works to come out with a right-wing version of The Daily Show. This will prove to be both interesting and challenging since right-wing lunatics usually don’t have a sense of humor.
Fox News seems to be on a roll this week as their own bespeckled blowhard Neil Cavuto claimed that the new kids movie about penguins, Happy Feet, was nothing more than an animated version of An Inconvenient Truth, because it had the nerve to feature an adult penguin with one of those plastic six-pack holder things stuck around its neck and talk about ice caps melting. Not since the whole “The purple Teletubbie is a fag” thing have I heard such asinine shit. However, there is a message to be heard, so for the last time; Fox wants nothing to do with truth, obvious, inconvenient or otherwise! No more truth!
So-called Magician, David Blaine, did another “trick” this week by escaping from a gyroscope hoisted above New York’s Times Square after two days of being strapped to the spinning device. As with all of David Blaine’s “magic tricks” I have to ask, ‘what about this is magic?’ If I wanted to see someone vomiting atop a building in New York City, I’d watch a model during her photo shoot lunch break.
Quote of the Week
“We’re going to have tough days ahead of us.” – Ken Johnson, spokesman for the Pharmaceutical Research and Manufacturers of America on the recent elections where many of their Republican allies lost House and Senate seats to Democrats.
Good! This was a whole article about how lobbyists who work for drug, oil, and environmentally damaging companies are shaking in their boots, because the Dems might not be as susceptible to the bribes for lenient legislation, unlike their Republican predecessors. I truly hope this is the case, because democracy isn’t democracy if they aren’t working for we the people. Besides, they’d better watch their ass, because when democracy fails, the politicians and the power elite are usually the first ones to get gunned down in a violent, citizen uprising. Alternative history books don’t lie; unlike the whitewashed shit they made us read at school.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Hey Kids, How About an Ice-Cold Draft
Representative Charles Rangel said he would initiate legislation that would essentially revive the draft. Rangel wants all able-bodied Americans between the ages of 18-42 to serve two years of mandatory military service. My first reaction was, ‘you’ve got to be kidding me.’ However, before the Republican media bandwagon and anti-war activists start sharpening the stick at both ends for the Representative’s head, we should look at his reasoning (albeit misguided) as to why he would ever want to do such a thing.
Rangel says the main reason he is calling for a requirement of military service is that perhaps those in Congress wouldn’t have been so quick to support Resident Bush in his war lust if it was their kid who might be sent to Iraq. He also says that minorities and the lower income Americans bear the largest burden of service, and by instituting mandatory military service, it will even out the playing field.
I completely understand Rangel’s frustration at watching young people die while realizing that many of them come from low-income households where it’s often military service or unemployment. I also realize that the bulk of the Americans dying in Iraq don’t have white faces, and I agree with Rangel’s desire to bring about some urgency to the issue of war in general, but instituting mandatory military service will accomplish none of his goals.
The Resident is the best example of why Rangel’s policy will fail. During Vietnam, Bush served loosely in the National Guard, because Resident Bush Sr. was rich and powerful enough to get his idiot son out of being exported to Southeast Asia. Perhaps Daddy knew even then that Georgie wasn’t cut out for intense stress, and after all, the idea of G.W. with a machine gun is enough to scare the daylights out of even the bravest person. Our own president got out of his duty solely, because of influence; therefore Rangel’s idea that Congress won’t be so quick to vote in war is mute. The power elite will always be able to protect their own, and they will still not care about sending anybody else’s kids to war. Do you honestly think Donald Trump’s children will have to wake to the sounds of trumpets before dawn or do a 20-mile hike in the rain? Can you realistically see Jenna and Barbara Bush in boot camp?
The burden of defending this country, even if Rangel’s policy had a prayer (which it doesn’t), will still fall on the minorities and lower classes. The only thing that would change would be the impact on the middle class, which is already being squeezed into extinction. Regular kids from the ‘burbs would end up serving, but I guarantee it wouldn’t be for long. Their Baby-Boomer parents would turn out in droves to vote for the first candidate that agreed to repeal mandatory military service, thus creating a huge bureaucracy to institute the program, then another to dissolve it.
The fact is the majority of this country is made up of lazy, spoiled brats who love their freedom as long as they don’t have to get off their asses or forego an hour of PlayStation to do anything for it. Less than 40% of those eligible to vote turned out for this last election, which confirms my ‘lazy bastards’ theory. Most countries have a mandatory two-year military service requirement for all able-bodied citizens, so in the United States we have gotten off relatively easy.
I understand where Chuck Rangel is coming from. For years, we have watched this terrible war waged for oil, power, and elitist corporate profits at the expense of 3,000 dead kids and 10,000+ injured civilians whose medical expenses us working folks will have to cover. However, if the volunteer military system has worked for this long, then there is something we are doing right.
At this point, we need to focus less on staffing the war, and more on giving a boot to the asses of those who got us in the war in the first place. We need to involve a coalition of Middle Eastern countries to help us solve this mess, because we obviously can’t deal with those crazy bastards and their civil war, so we might as well admit we fucked up and get the people in place who know how to end this thing.
Mainly, we need to put Rangel’s idea of mandatory military service to rest, because the last people I trust with making decisions about my kid’s life are the same group of schmucks who started this all of this bullshit to begin with.
Rangel says the main reason he is calling for a requirement of military service is that perhaps those in Congress wouldn’t have been so quick to support Resident Bush in his war lust if it was their kid who might be sent to Iraq. He also says that minorities and the lower income Americans bear the largest burden of service, and by instituting mandatory military service, it will even out the playing field.
I completely understand Rangel’s frustration at watching young people die while realizing that many of them come from low-income households where it’s often military service or unemployment. I also realize that the bulk of the Americans dying in Iraq don’t have white faces, and I agree with Rangel’s desire to bring about some urgency to the issue of war in general, but instituting mandatory military service will accomplish none of his goals.
The Resident is the best example of why Rangel’s policy will fail. During Vietnam, Bush served loosely in the National Guard, because Resident Bush Sr. was rich and powerful enough to get his idiot son out of being exported to Southeast Asia. Perhaps Daddy knew even then that Georgie wasn’t cut out for intense stress, and after all, the idea of G.W. with a machine gun is enough to scare the daylights out of even the bravest person. Our own president got out of his duty solely, because of influence; therefore Rangel’s idea that Congress won’t be so quick to vote in war is mute. The power elite will always be able to protect their own, and they will still not care about sending anybody else’s kids to war. Do you honestly think Donald Trump’s children will have to wake to the sounds of trumpets before dawn or do a 20-mile hike in the rain? Can you realistically see Jenna and Barbara Bush in boot camp?
The burden of defending this country, even if Rangel’s policy had a prayer (which it doesn’t), will still fall on the minorities and lower classes. The only thing that would change would be the impact on the middle class, which is already being squeezed into extinction. Regular kids from the ‘burbs would end up serving, but I guarantee it wouldn’t be for long. Their Baby-Boomer parents would turn out in droves to vote for the first candidate that agreed to repeal mandatory military service, thus creating a huge bureaucracy to institute the program, then another to dissolve it.
The fact is the majority of this country is made up of lazy, spoiled brats who love their freedom as long as they don’t have to get off their asses or forego an hour of PlayStation to do anything for it. Less than 40% of those eligible to vote turned out for this last election, which confirms my ‘lazy bastards’ theory. Most countries have a mandatory two-year military service requirement for all able-bodied citizens, so in the United States we have gotten off relatively easy.
I understand where Chuck Rangel is coming from. For years, we have watched this terrible war waged for oil, power, and elitist corporate profits at the expense of 3,000 dead kids and 10,000+ injured civilians whose medical expenses us working folks will have to cover. However, if the volunteer military system has worked for this long, then there is something we are doing right.
At this point, we need to focus less on staffing the war, and more on giving a boot to the asses of those who got us in the war in the first place. We need to involve a coalition of Middle Eastern countries to help us solve this mess, because we obviously can’t deal with those crazy bastards and their civil war, so we might as well admit we fucked up and get the people in place who know how to end this thing.
Mainly, we need to put Rangel’s idea of mandatory military service to rest, because the last people I trust with making decisions about my kid’s life are the same group of schmucks who started this all of this bullshit to begin with.
Sunday, November 19, 2006
Divorce, Hollywood Style
Hollywood and the pop culture media loves a big, beautiful, expensive, celebrity-filled wedding. They do major spreads in magazines, talk incessantly about the betrothed couple, and even interrupt actual news to give a synopsis of the happy occasion. For the entire month leading up to the Tom Cruise-Katie Holmes wedding hours of airtime and many column inches of press have been dedicated to talking about everything from the cake to the dress to those crazy Scientology vows. Even the CNN ticker has been working overtime tracking the couple’s whereabouts. By now, the only thing the media loves more than a glamorous celebrity wedding is a knock-down, drag-out celebrity divorce.
They make it look so easy; the whole getting divorced business. All Brittney had to do to was text message her husband with the bad news (far better from having to have an actual heart-to-heart conversation), get a trendy, new haircut and a designer black dress that showed off her boobs, and she was off, hitting the town and living her “new life”. Never mind the fact that the couple has two kids, one of whom is only two months old. Brittney needs to start dating again; after all, it will make for much better drama in the exciting new divorce show.
As someone who has been through a divorce, I can tell you that it isn’t as simple as Hollywood makes it out to be. There is a lot of paperwork, uncomfortable conversations, you have to appear in court, and oh yeah, there’s the whole emotional aspect. I’m not naïve and I don’t expect Hollywood to portray anything like it happens in the real world, but the same media that snickers with headlines about Brittney vs. Kevin is the one that keeps asking why the divorce rate in this country is out of control.
Now that Tom and Katie are hitched, and since Jessica Simpson seems to be keeping her dating low key (the nerve of her), we are likely to be watching divorce dramas clear into the New Year. Whether it is Spears/Federline or Witherspoon/Philippe, the media is planning a heyday of epic proportions with heroes, villains, heartbreak, and fake, exaggerated tears complete with Barbara Walters soothing the sobbing party.
To fast-forward you through all of the bullshit, here is how the Brittney/Kevin divorce will play out in the media. Brittney is currently revealing her “new, single” self, and waving her prenup like a victory flag. The only thing Miss “Ooops” forgot was that 50% of her kids is made up of her soon-to-be ex-hubby’s DNA, which means he’s not going to go away, and by law, he doesn’t have to. Now Kevin is showing the brains we all didn’t think he had, and giving Brittney’s mom fits by asking for custody of their two kids. The sick, sad thing is that this guy has two other kids by the chick he dumped, while she was pregnant, to hook up with Brit-Brit, so the custody thing is basically about money rather than love for the kids.
They will be back and forth in the media over the next few months. Brittney will play the victim, and do the whole sobbing to the same reporters she was smiling at only three months ago while talking about how she was happy just being a married housewife with kids. Kevin will switch from bad guy to victim on a month to month basis doing his own interviews whining about what a superbitch Brittney could be, and how he was just trying to be the kind, dutiful husband to a demanding diva.
In the end, after court battles that make lawyers rich and celebrity pundits wet and hard, it will finally end with the failure of Brittney’s “comeback” album (especially since her audience is well over puberty age and she has nothing to come back to), and Kevin being relegated to the same trivia status enjoyed by guys such as Kato Kalen, Larry Fortensky, and that kid who got caned in that Asian country for spray-painting cars.
The world won’t be a better place, everyone’s I.Q. will be lower than it is now, and somewhere there will be some dingy broad who thinks that all she has to do to end her marriage is get a fun, new haircut, and a dress that shows off her boobs, and hit the town.
They make it look so easy; the whole getting divorced business. All Brittney had to do to was text message her husband with the bad news (far better from having to have an actual heart-to-heart conversation), get a trendy, new haircut and a designer black dress that showed off her boobs, and she was off, hitting the town and living her “new life”. Never mind the fact that the couple has two kids, one of whom is only two months old. Brittney needs to start dating again; after all, it will make for much better drama in the exciting new divorce show.
As someone who has been through a divorce, I can tell you that it isn’t as simple as Hollywood makes it out to be. There is a lot of paperwork, uncomfortable conversations, you have to appear in court, and oh yeah, there’s the whole emotional aspect. I’m not naïve and I don’t expect Hollywood to portray anything like it happens in the real world, but the same media that snickers with headlines about Brittney vs. Kevin is the one that keeps asking why the divorce rate in this country is out of control.
Now that Tom and Katie are hitched, and since Jessica Simpson seems to be keeping her dating low key (the nerve of her), we are likely to be watching divorce dramas clear into the New Year. Whether it is Spears/Federline or Witherspoon/Philippe, the media is planning a heyday of epic proportions with heroes, villains, heartbreak, and fake, exaggerated tears complete with Barbara Walters soothing the sobbing party.
To fast-forward you through all of the bullshit, here is how the Brittney/Kevin divorce will play out in the media. Brittney is currently revealing her “new, single” self, and waving her prenup like a victory flag. The only thing Miss “Ooops” forgot was that 50% of her kids is made up of her soon-to-be ex-hubby’s DNA, which means he’s not going to go away, and by law, he doesn’t have to. Now Kevin is showing the brains we all didn’t think he had, and giving Brittney’s mom fits by asking for custody of their two kids. The sick, sad thing is that this guy has two other kids by the chick he dumped, while she was pregnant, to hook up with Brit-Brit, so the custody thing is basically about money rather than love for the kids.
They will be back and forth in the media over the next few months. Brittney will play the victim, and do the whole sobbing to the same reporters she was smiling at only three months ago while talking about how she was happy just being a married housewife with kids. Kevin will switch from bad guy to victim on a month to month basis doing his own interviews whining about what a superbitch Brittney could be, and how he was just trying to be the kind, dutiful husband to a demanding diva.
In the end, after court battles that make lawyers rich and celebrity pundits wet and hard, it will finally end with the failure of Brittney’s “comeback” album (especially since her audience is well over puberty age and she has nothing to come back to), and Kevin being relegated to the same trivia status enjoyed by guys such as Kato Kalen, Larry Fortensky, and that kid who got caned in that Asian country for spray-painting cars.
The world won’t be a better place, everyone’s I.Q. will be lower than it is now, and somewhere there will be some dingy broad who thinks that all she has to do to end her marriage is get a fun, new haircut, and a dress that shows off her boobs, and hit the town.
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Weekly Recap 11/12-18: Cold Nerd Balls & Jail Bait
Headline News Recap
Nerds everywhere are freezing their unused balls off this very moment waiting for the release of PlayStation III. Earlier in the week, Microsoft released its challenge to Apple’s iPod called Zune. I’m sure the nerds were excited about this as well, but they didn’t feel it was worth icing their scrotum on a hard sidewalk. The next time we are likely to see a bunch of grown men with no lives waiting in line to shell out an assload of cash for something that gives a lot of promises, but only wastes your life, will probably be the lobbyist train courting the candidates in the 2008 elections.
Pakistan proved that it was a lovable and cuddly country again this week by telling women that their word, physical and DNA evidence might be enough to bring rape charges. Under the old Islamic law, a rape victim had to bring four male witnesses to vouch for the rape. If rape was not proven, such as having only one or two male witnesses, the woman could be tried and convicted as an adulterer. I don’t know what books they’ve been reading in Pakistan, but usually when four guys witness a rape, it’s because they’re involved in it, hence the Catch 22. Of course there were mass protests by Islamic clerics, because, damn it, if they can’t stone a rape victim to death for speaking up, then what ever will they do for entertainment on a Friday night? You know, the next time someone tells me that Islam is a peaceful religion, I’m just going to shake my head and walk away in disgust.
Speaking of disgust, the Republicans (also trying to prove they are lovable and cuddly) welcomed Trent Lott back into the leadership fold by making him the Senate Minority Leader. Republicans, don’t you get it? The country doesn’t like your neocon regime! Didn’t that little election thingy last Tuesday tell you something! We want these assholes gone, do you hear us, gone!
Since we are on the subject of assholes, the final Enron executive to be tried was sentenced to 5 ½ years in prison and fined $1.25 million dollars. Richard Causey was Enron’s chief accounting officer, and took part in altering the books, so that he and the other crooks could rob the company blind and leave its hardworking employees broke and pensionless. Hey Causey, enjoy your time in prison, and don’t drop the soap.
Continuing the topic of prison, Jack Abramoff, the Republican Party lobbyist who bribed politicians and traded favors for political influence began serving his six year sentence for fraud. Abramoff, you are an embarrassment to the Jewish people, and all those who hold the idea of democracy close to their hearts. I hope you and Causey have a great time behind bars, and once again, don’t drop the soap.
The Socialist Party in France has backed Segolene Royal as its nominee, which means their victory would make her the first female president. England has had a female Prime Minister, Germany has a woman as its leader, and even many African countries have ladies running their government. Okay, United States, by now you must realize that you don’t need a penis to run a country, so if I don’t see more ladies on the ballot in the next go ‘round, then you are going to force me to seriously think about running for office, and trust me, the last thing you want is a foul-mouthed punk voting on legislation.
In Local News
The 10-day weather forecast has given me the inspiration to complete the final construction of the ark. It’s been raining like a son-of-a-bitch, more so than normal, here in the Seattle area. Roads are flooded, basements are filled with water, and I haven’t been able to wear a decent pair of Mary Jane shoes in nearly a month. I’m all for a little of the wet stuff, but not when it makes my hair look like a Brillo pad. Enough already!
By the way, I’ll be at the Blackest of the Black show on Friday night featuring Danzig and Lacuna Coil at The Fenix. I would encourage anyone in the area to grab some black clothing, $27, a good set of earplugs, and come on out to the show. I’ll be the one in the long, purple jacket standing on my toes, craning my neck, trying to see over the 7’ tall guy who always ends up standing in front of me.
Celebrities Who Pissed Me off This Week
O.J. Simpson is back in the news, because the world didn’t quite get its fill of him during that damn murder trial. He has a book, and there might be a confession, and Fred Goldman is on TV pissed off again, and aren’t we completely sick of this whole story yet? The guy probably killed his wife, and got away with it, because the prosecution was inept and his defense used the race card. The whole situation is an embarrassment to the American justice system, so let’s bury it for good, and move on.
In case you are blind, deaf, and living in a remote cave in the middle of nowhere, Brittney Spears dumped her deadbeat husband, Kevin Federline, and (what a shock) the divorce is getting ugly. She claims to have an “iron clad” pre-nup, but get real, she filed for divorce in Los Angeles where lawyers have made finding loopholes in “iron clad” pre-nups an art form. Brittney, take my advice, pay him off, keep your kids, and move on with your life. No amount of money is worth his sorry ass hanging around.
If you are still living in a cave and happen to still be deaf and blind, then you also don’t know that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are getting married in Rome. Who the fuck cares! They had a kid, they aren’t letting press into the wedding, and frankly, the guy in his underwear from Risky Business marrying the chick from Dawson’s Creek just doesn’t do anything for me…accept annoy me.
Quote of the Week
“If this was any other coach…this would be a non-issue.” – Commentator Fran Fraschilla to ESPN about Texas Tech Basketball Coach (and raving lunatic) Bobby Knight slapping one of his players during a game.
I think this might go under the “No Shit” file, but not for the reasons Fran is referring to. He thinks the slapping incident is only an issue, because of Bobby’s unique and “heavy handed” or “controversial” coaching style. This belongs in the “No Shit” file, because Bobby’s coaching “style” is abusive. If he didn’t win games, he would be in jail! I would never let my kid play on a team coached by this man, because I don’t hit my kid and I don’t want anyone else to either. Isn’t it sad that our society is so in love with sports and winning sports games that we let guys like Bobby Knight continue to work with kids, when he clearly can’t keep it in check? Bobby, you’re a fucking lunatic and you don’t belong coaching kids. Tony Robbins has an “unorthodox” coaching style, you are just an asshole.
Have a great Thanksgiving everyone! And to those outside of the U.S., bond with your American brethren, eat a turkey sandwich on Thursday and think about large balloons floating down the streets of New York City.
Nerds everywhere are freezing their unused balls off this very moment waiting for the release of PlayStation III. Earlier in the week, Microsoft released its challenge to Apple’s iPod called Zune. I’m sure the nerds were excited about this as well, but they didn’t feel it was worth icing their scrotum on a hard sidewalk. The next time we are likely to see a bunch of grown men with no lives waiting in line to shell out an assload of cash for something that gives a lot of promises, but only wastes your life, will probably be the lobbyist train courting the candidates in the 2008 elections.
Pakistan proved that it was a lovable and cuddly country again this week by telling women that their word, physical and DNA evidence might be enough to bring rape charges. Under the old Islamic law, a rape victim had to bring four male witnesses to vouch for the rape. If rape was not proven, such as having only one or two male witnesses, the woman could be tried and convicted as an adulterer. I don’t know what books they’ve been reading in Pakistan, but usually when four guys witness a rape, it’s because they’re involved in it, hence the Catch 22. Of course there were mass protests by Islamic clerics, because, damn it, if they can’t stone a rape victim to death for speaking up, then what ever will they do for entertainment on a Friday night? You know, the next time someone tells me that Islam is a peaceful religion, I’m just going to shake my head and walk away in disgust.
Speaking of disgust, the Republicans (also trying to prove they are lovable and cuddly) welcomed Trent Lott back into the leadership fold by making him the Senate Minority Leader. Republicans, don’t you get it? The country doesn’t like your neocon regime! Didn’t that little election thingy last Tuesday tell you something! We want these assholes gone, do you hear us, gone!
Since we are on the subject of assholes, the final Enron executive to be tried was sentenced to 5 ½ years in prison and fined $1.25 million dollars. Richard Causey was Enron’s chief accounting officer, and took part in altering the books, so that he and the other crooks could rob the company blind and leave its hardworking employees broke and pensionless. Hey Causey, enjoy your time in prison, and don’t drop the soap.
Continuing the topic of prison, Jack Abramoff, the Republican Party lobbyist who bribed politicians and traded favors for political influence began serving his six year sentence for fraud. Abramoff, you are an embarrassment to the Jewish people, and all those who hold the idea of democracy close to their hearts. I hope you and Causey have a great time behind bars, and once again, don’t drop the soap.
The Socialist Party in France has backed Segolene Royal as its nominee, which means their victory would make her the first female president. England has had a female Prime Minister, Germany has a woman as its leader, and even many African countries have ladies running their government. Okay, United States, by now you must realize that you don’t need a penis to run a country, so if I don’t see more ladies on the ballot in the next go ‘round, then you are going to force me to seriously think about running for office, and trust me, the last thing you want is a foul-mouthed punk voting on legislation.
In Local News
The 10-day weather forecast has given me the inspiration to complete the final construction of the ark. It’s been raining like a son-of-a-bitch, more so than normal, here in the Seattle area. Roads are flooded, basements are filled with water, and I haven’t been able to wear a decent pair of Mary Jane shoes in nearly a month. I’m all for a little of the wet stuff, but not when it makes my hair look like a Brillo pad. Enough already!
By the way, I’ll be at the Blackest of the Black show on Friday night featuring Danzig and Lacuna Coil at The Fenix. I would encourage anyone in the area to grab some black clothing, $27, a good set of earplugs, and come on out to the show. I’ll be the one in the long, purple jacket standing on my toes, craning my neck, trying to see over the 7’ tall guy who always ends up standing in front of me.
Celebrities Who Pissed Me off This Week
O.J. Simpson is back in the news, because the world didn’t quite get its fill of him during that damn murder trial. He has a book, and there might be a confession, and Fred Goldman is on TV pissed off again, and aren’t we completely sick of this whole story yet? The guy probably killed his wife, and got away with it, because the prosecution was inept and his defense used the race card. The whole situation is an embarrassment to the American justice system, so let’s bury it for good, and move on.
In case you are blind, deaf, and living in a remote cave in the middle of nowhere, Brittney Spears dumped her deadbeat husband, Kevin Federline, and (what a shock) the divorce is getting ugly. She claims to have an “iron clad” pre-nup, but get real, she filed for divorce in Los Angeles where lawyers have made finding loopholes in “iron clad” pre-nups an art form. Brittney, take my advice, pay him off, keep your kids, and move on with your life. No amount of money is worth his sorry ass hanging around.
If you are still living in a cave and happen to still be deaf and blind, then you also don’t know that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are getting married in Rome. Who the fuck cares! They had a kid, they aren’t letting press into the wedding, and frankly, the guy in his underwear from Risky Business marrying the chick from Dawson’s Creek just doesn’t do anything for me…accept annoy me.
Quote of the Week
“If this was any other coach…this would be a non-issue.” – Commentator Fran Fraschilla to ESPN about Texas Tech Basketball Coach (and raving lunatic) Bobby Knight slapping one of his players during a game.
I think this might go under the “No Shit” file, but not for the reasons Fran is referring to. He thinks the slapping incident is only an issue, because of Bobby’s unique and “heavy handed” or “controversial” coaching style. This belongs in the “No Shit” file, because Bobby’s coaching “style” is abusive. If he didn’t win games, he would be in jail! I would never let my kid play on a team coached by this man, because I don’t hit my kid and I don’t want anyone else to either. Isn’t it sad that our society is so in love with sports and winning sports games that we let guys like Bobby Knight continue to work with kids, when he clearly can’t keep it in check? Bobby, you’re a fucking lunatic and you don’t belong coaching kids. Tony Robbins has an “unorthodox” coaching style, you are just an asshole.
Have a great Thanksgiving everyone! And to those outside of the U.S., bond with your American brethren, eat a turkey sandwich on Thursday and think about large balloons floating down the streets of New York City.
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
She May Have Your Eyes, but She Has My Sick Sense of Humor
I stood there watching my toddler stare at the television in hysterics. It wasn’t her amusement that had me in a slight state of worry and shock, it was the reason she was laughing. I had been flipping channels in an attempt to reach her kids’ shows when I clicked to one of the movie channels and ended up pausing on Transporter 2. I was talking to Jeff, and didn’t think Rachael would be interested in anything non-animated, but I was wrong.
Transporter 2 is a European-esque film that is basically Pulp Fiction meets James Bond with a touch of Jackie Chan. In the scene my little version of sugar and spice thought was hilarious, the lead character proceeds to kick the living shit out of five guys at some sort of building re-model worksite. Rachael stood there staring at first, and then laughing when the Transporter’s foot made contact with his victim’s face. She then proceeded to dance around yelling, “yeah, yeah” and throwing fake punches.
The sick, sad thing is that I was somewhat amused by the situation. Jeff, however, didn’t share my feelings, and told me to turn the channel, which triggered a screaming fit from our mini violencemonger.
Since Jeff seemed a bit worried about his little girl’s apparent amusement at scenes of extreme violence, I didn’t have the heart to tell him the extent of which his offspring has inherited her mommy’s sick sense of humor.
I’ve always been able to laugh at the most morbid things, and I’ve never been quite sure why. Perhaps I’m more of a goth than I thought, or slightly more twisted than I want to realize. I’m the girl who was cheering for Freddy Krueger when he was bringing about the deaths of vacant suburb dwellers in A Nightmare on Elm Street. I’m the one who heckles horror and “ultra violent” movies adding potent and humorous sub-dialog lines. A few of my favorites include:
Transporter 2 is a European-esque film that is basically Pulp Fiction meets James Bond with a touch of Jackie Chan. In the scene my little version of sugar and spice thought was hilarious, the lead character proceeds to kick the living shit out of five guys at some sort of building re-model worksite. Rachael stood there staring at first, and then laughing when the Transporter’s foot made contact with his victim’s face. She then proceeded to dance around yelling, “yeah, yeah” and throwing fake punches.
The sick, sad thing is that I was somewhat amused by the situation. Jeff, however, didn’t share my feelings, and told me to turn the channel, which triggered a screaming fit from our mini violencemonger.
Since Jeff seemed a bit worried about his little girl’s apparent amusement at scenes of extreme violence, I didn’t have the heart to tell him the extent of which his offspring has inherited her mommy’s sick sense of humor.
I’ve always been able to laugh at the most morbid things, and I’ve never been quite sure why. Perhaps I’m more of a goth than I thought, or slightly more twisted than I want to realize. I’m the girl who was cheering for Freddy Krueger when he was bringing about the deaths of vacant suburb dwellers in A Nightmare on Elm Street. I’m the one who heckles horror and “ultra violent” movies adding potent and humorous sub-dialog lines. A few of my favorites include:
- “Gee, six horny teenagers, a creepy cabin in the woods, and no communication with the outside world, what could possibly go wrong.” – After the opening scene from Friday the 13th, Part II.
- “Besides, I should be the right amount of dead weight you need to get a few of those Eastern European guys with no scripted lines killed in mere seconds.” – Howling II, right after the scrawny, sheepish girl insists on going along with the team of experienced werewolf hunters.
- “And you thought Van Gogh was a sick fuck!” – Right after the scene in Reservoir Dogs where Michael Madsen cuts off that guy’s ear.
- “That is the most creative and disgusting use of a curling iron I’ve ever seen.” – Right after that scene in Sleepaway Camp where the killer…well, if you saw the movie you know already.
In addition to my enjoyment of mocking the gruesome deaths of movie serial killer victims, I really like dark humor and off-color animation. Drawn Together is one of my favorite shows, no matter how sick and wrong it gets. Aqua Teen Hunger Force rules, I mean, where else can you find a character called Meatwad! I still have a healthy appreciation for Ren & Stimpy, and so does my little morbid angel.
One night my munchkin and I giggled away at an episode where Ren and Stimpy decide to dress up as monkeys and live in the zoo. It was disgusting, especially the grooming scene, but we just laughed like there was no tomorrow.
On some level, I should probably be concerned, but I’m not. Maybe if my little one has my sick sense of humor, she will also inherit my ability to examine the 40,000 media messages slammed in our face every day, and realize that they aren’t reality, just a corporate-driven attempt to fool us into buying shit we don’t need or make us feel like we have to go on a diet.
For right now, I’m good with her odd view on what constitutes humor, and hey, as long as she’s not attempting to decapitate the dog, we’re okay.
Sunday, November 12, 2006
You Want Me to do What!?!
In the spirit of never being content, I’ve been job hunting. I had one positive interview for a position that I am very qualified for, and all seemed to go well. I gelled with the young gal who served as the human resources screener, and at the end of the interview she told me she would be sending me a couple of tests to complete via email.
I didn’t mind the first test; it was a personality test with a lot of situational and bizarre questions. When it comes to personality tests, I don’t try to think about them too hard, and always answer honestly. Frankly, if I have a personality that conflicts with the rest of the office, the sooner it’s discovered, the better, no matter how much I want the job.
It was the second test I had a problem with. I know the little HR screener was just doing her job, but asking me to take a basic skills computer assessment is a bit offensive. At the bottom of my resume I list quite an impressive array of computer programs I have experience with. One should immediately deduce that if I stand up and say I’m proficient at In Design, Illustrator, and specialized auction software, maybe, just maybe, I have the mandatory brain cell capacity to master the Microsoft Outlook calendar or sorting a list on an Excel spreadsheet.
The problems persisted when I couldn’t open the test. Apparently the online company that administers the test has to have a receiving computer with a very weak firewall that allows a shitload of cookies and pop-ups. Since we get a tremendous amount of junk mail, as well as virus-infected mail from Jeff’s brother (which he claims it’s not him…yeah right), Jeff installed two firewalls and every other anti-virus software on the market. The end result was that I couldn’t log onto the site and take the basic computer assessment.
I tried again today from one of Jeff’s office computers, and still couldn’t get access, and now (how spoiled is this), I don’t even care about the job anymore. I understand that the HR assistant has to have her little boxes of “to do” items checked for each qualified candidate, but I’m to a point in my life where I don’t feel like dealing with one ounce of bureaucratic bullshit.
I was up until 5:00 AM on Friday night designing display boards for an auction. Does any HR assistant have that on their fucking checklist! How can a basic computer skills assessment tell anyone that I’ve worked on nine auctions and have raised a collective $5.5 million? Instead of wasting my time asking me to show you how well I can use the Bold function in Word, why don’t you ask me how I manage to coordinate a team of volunteers after working a 100-hour week, and pull off a splendid party for 400 people that raises money.
Perhaps I have a bad attitude, but due to this detail gone wrong, I’m no longer even interested in the job. I am currently with an organization that is so steeped in bureaucracy that it gives their employees the shaft on a regular basis. Do I really want to work for another “by the book” employer? Maybe I’ve become spoiled by the cool organizations that I’ve worked for that were wonderfully non-conformist and didn’t care what you did, how you did it, or when you did your job, as long as you met your goals and performed.
To be fair, I emailed the little HR gal back, and maybe I’ll hear from her. If I don’t, then I’ll accept it as something that wasn’t meant to be. Besides, I have another job interview next Monday for a position that would be way cooler, and hopefully, they won’t ask me to take a lame-assed basic computer skills assessment.
I didn’t mind the first test; it was a personality test with a lot of situational and bizarre questions. When it comes to personality tests, I don’t try to think about them too hard, and always answer honestly. Frankly, if I have a personality that conflicts with the rest of the office, the sooner it’s discovered, the better, no matter how much I want the job.
It was the second test I had a problem with. I know the little HR screener was just doing her job, but asking me to take a basic skills computer assessment is a bit offensive. At the bottom of my resume I list quite an impressive array of computer programs I have experience with. One should immediately deduce that if I stand up and say I’m proficient at In Design, Illustrator, and specialized auction software, maybe, just maybe, I have the mandatory brain cell capacity to master the Microsoft Outlook calendar or sorting a list on an Excel spreadsheet.
The problems persisted when I couldn’t open the test. Apparently the online company that administers the test has to have a receiving computer with a very weak firewall that allows a shitload of cookies and pop-ups. Since we get a tremendous amount of junk mail, as well as virus-infected mail from Jeff’s brother (which he claims it’s not him…yeah right), Jeff installed two firewalls and every other anti-virus software on the market. The end result was that I couldn’t log onto the site and take the basic computer assessment.
I tried again today from one of Jeff’s office computers, and still couldn’t get access, and now (how spoiled is this), I don’t even care about the job anymore. I understand that the HR assistant has to have her little boxes of “to do” items checked for each qualified candidate, but I’m to a point in my life where I don’t feel like dealing with one ounce of bureaucratic bullshit.
I was up until 5:00 AM on Friday night designing display boards for an auction. Does any HR assistant have that on their fucking checklist! How can a basic computer skills assessment tell anyone that I’ve worked on nine auctions and have raised a collective $5.5 million? Instead of wasting my time asking me to show you how well I can use the Bold function in Word, why don’t you ask me how I manage to coordinate a team of volunteers after working a 100-hour week, and pull off a splendid party for 400 people that raises money.
Perhaps I have a bad attitude, but due to this detail gone wrong, I’m no longer even interested in the job. I am currently with an organization that is so steeped in bureaucracy that it gives their employees the shaft on a regular basis. Do I really want to work for another “by the book” employer? Maybe I’ve become spoiled by the cool organizations that I’ve worked for that were wonderfully non-conformist and didn’t care what you did, how you did it, or when you did your job, as long as you met your goals and performed.
To be fair, I emailed the little HR gal back, and maybe I’ll hear from her. If I don’t, then I’ll accept it as something that wasn’t meant to be. Besides, I have another job interview next Monday for a position that would be way cooler, and hopefully, they won’t ask me to take a lame-assed basic computer skills assessment.
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Adios!
Yesterday was one hell of a glorious day for democracy. People turned out in droves to tell the Bush Regime not to let the door hit them in the ass on the way out. Not only did the other party take the House (and possibly the Senate), but also the South Dakota Nazi-like abortion measure failed, voters in my state did good by the environment by voting in new energy conservation legislation, and this morning, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld resigned.
Despite the joy, there were a few disappointments. Dave Reichert won his congressional seat back, with no help from anyone in my household, of course. Sorry, Dave, but if you want my support, you may have to catch the Northwest’s worst serial killer in history in under a quarter of a century. Four states passed bans on same-sex marriage, and (what a shock) one of them was Idaho. This seems a bit ironic to me having grown up there, since I knew more closeted Nancy boys in the Gem State than I do openly gay guys here in Seattle.
Speaking of Nancy, for the first time in United States history, the Congressional member from San Francisco walked into the House this morning and was greeted with, “Good Morning Madam Speaker.” Score one for the ladies; we officially have one of our own as the Speaker of the House. All I have to say is, it’s about fucking time. We make up nearly 60% of the population and only have one woman sitting on the Supreme Court, so we were owed more representation.
In terms of women ascending to power, this is how it should go down: I want a wonderful lady filling the Vice Presidency in 2008, and before I’m 40, I want to see a woman at the desk of the Oval Office (instead of under it). Good luck Speaker Nancy, you made history, now make us grrls proud!
I want to wish a “Good Riddance, Motherfucker” to the following:
·Katherine Harris, you are the nutty bitch who screwed up the 2000 presidential election and laughed about it, but are you laughing now Kathy? Didn’t think so.
·Rick Santorum, your loss last night made gay men everywhere get up and dance (not that they really need a reason). The only reservation I have about your leaving is that now when the pictures of you wearing a garter and kitten heels come out, it just won’t mean that much. However, I know a power monger like you isn’t gone for good, you’ll be back, and unfortunately will try to oppress people who haven’t done anything to you, because you think Jesus shares your hate-filled agenda. Until then, at least you’ll have plenty of down time to continue thinking about gay men having sex, which you seem to do more than most gay men I know.
·Mike McGavick, the Republican challenger who decided to try to unseat Washington State’s amazing Senator Maria Cantwell. What were you thinking, man? You were the head of an insurance company running for election the same year as the Hurricane Katrina disaster. Didn’t you see those Spike Lee documentaries where all of the Katrina victims talked about getting completely fucked by the insurance companies? Get a clue!
Yesterday, my faith was restored in my country’s ability to be the strong, independent-thinking nation I knew it was. The neocons spent six long years playing the fear card, but yesterday, Americans everywhere stood up, became fearless, and told those thieving bastards to fuck off giving them the most fitting of punishments.
The spanking was so harsh that today, other than Rummy’s resignation, the first George Bush sent a team of his friends, including James Baker, to the White House to bail out his idiot son, yet again. Although I don’t know how much the Democrats can do to dig us out of this horrible hole left by six years of unchecked, corrupt power; at least they have a chance to try.
Despite the joy, there were a few disappointments. Dave Reichert won his congressional seat back, with no help from anyone in my household, of course. Sorry, Dave, but if you want my support, you may have to catch the Northwest’s worst serial killer in history in under a quarter of a century. Four states passed bans on same-sex marriage, and (what a shock) one of them was Idaho. This seems a bit ironic to me having grown up there, since I knew more closeted Nancy boys in the Gem State than I do openly gay guys here in Seattle.
Speaking of Nancy, for the first time in United States history, the Congressional member from San Francisco walked into the House this morning and was greeted with, “Good Morning Madam Speaker.” Score one for the ladies; we officially have one of our own as the Speaker of the House. All I have to say is, it’s about fucking time. We make up nearly 60% of the population and only have one woman sitting on the Supreme Court, so we were owed more representation.
In terms of women ascending to power, this is how it should go down: I want a wonderful lady filling the Vice Presidency in 2008, and before I’m 40, I want to see a woman at the desk of the Oval Office (instead of under it). Good luck Speaker Nancy, you made history, now make us grrls proud!
I want to wish a “Good Riddance, Motherfucker” to the following:
·Katherine Harris, you are the nutty bitch who screwed up the 2000 presidential election and laughed about it, but are you laughing now Kathy? Didn’t think so.
·Rick Santorum, your loss last night made gay men everywhere get up and dance (not that they really need a reason). The only reservation I have about your leaving is that now when the pictures of you wearing a garter and kitten heels come out, it just won’t mean that much. However, I know a power monger like you isn’t gone for good, you’ll be back, and unfortunately will try to oppress people who haven’t done anything to you, because you think Jesus shares your hate-filled agenda. Until then, at least you’ll have plenty of down time to continue thinking about gay men having sex, which you seem to do more than most gay men I know.
·Mike McGavick, the Republican challenger who decided to try to unseat Washington State’s amazing Senator Maria Cantwell. What were you thinking, man? You were the head of an insurance company running for election the same year as the Hurricane Katrina disaster. Didn’t you see those Spike Lee documentaries where all of the Katrina victims talked about getting completely fucked by the insurance companies? Get a clue!
Yesterday, my faith was restored in my country’s ability to be the strong, independent-thinking nation I knew it was. The neocons spent six long years playing the fear card, but yesterday, Americans everywhere stood up, became fearless, and told those thieving bastards to fuck off giving them the most fitting of punishments.
The spanking was so harsh that today, other than Rummy’s resignation, the first George Bush sent a team of his friends, including James Baker, to the White House to bail out his idiot son, yet again. Although I don’t know how much the Democrats can do to dig us out of this horrible hole left by six years of unchecked, corrupt power; at least they have a chance to try.
Sunday, November 05, 2006
Just in Time for the Election
Saddam Hussein was sentenced to die by hanging, and what a shock, it came the weekend before the mid-term elections. Although this was long overdue, because Saddam is quite the evil bastard, the timing of his sentence was impeccable. While I’m happy to see this brutal man get what’s coming to him, before anyone runs out into the monster truck rally to wave the American flag, we need to put this situation into perspective.
In order to reach the verdict of death by hanging, the United States, along with other democracy-observing world allies, had to start a war with a country that never had the means to become a viable threat to anyone. Our government, including our president, falsified information, lied to the United Nations and the American people, and squandered the budget surplus to depose a leader who was nothing more than a trash-talking asshole. 2,800 American troops have been killed, tens of thousands of young American troops have sustained life-altering injuries (i.e. amputated limbs, injuries sustained to major organs, severe burns, traumatic brain injuries, extreme mental health damage, etc.), and it is estimated that over 100,000 Iraqi civilians have died. Don’t even get me started on the economic clusterfuck that has resulted from this war. Little Rachael’s grandchildren will be paying for Resident Bush’s family vendetta, and that pisses me off to no end.
All of this leads up to the election this Tuesday. I want everyone to keep this so-called victory over the tyranny of Saddam in perspective. There are a lot of assholes in this world who do not serve the best interest of their people and insist on operating with G-d-like powers. Unfortunately, a few of them are running our country.
When the 2000 election happened, I was not cool with the end result. The Electoral College made sense back in the day when most of the country was rural, and not every citizen could make it to the polls. In the golden age of the internet, cellphones, PDAs, and information access, it seems a little bizarre that we should have to rely on a group of politicians to decide our elections. Despite the questionable rise to power, I was willing to let the Grand Ol’ Party have their victory. My thought was, Okay GOP, you have absolute power, now go out and do all of the glorious things that you always said you wanted to do, but couldn’t, because you had the Democrats opposing you.
In just six short years, they have fucked up the prosperous economy, violated the Constitution, shit on the Bill of Rights, made the majority of the world hate us, started an expensive and illegal war, and made Teddy Kennedy and Al Sharpton look relevant and sane. Basically, they were hired to do a job and failed miserably, therefore the only thing to do at this point is to fire them, and hire a group that is far more competent to begin digging us out of this enormous hole.
Not that I’m a huge fan of the Democrats. They have been pussies during this whole process apologizing for every little remark that gains an ounce of controversy. I’m not under the delusion that they can solve all of the problems, but at this point, we are left with the lesser of two evils. The Republicans in power are not my stepfather’s GOP. My stepfather’s GOP would have never racked up an enormous debt, expanded the government to a colossal size, and invaded the privacy of citizens the way this government has. My stepfather’s GOP was never into telling a woman what to do with her body, because that should be between her, her family, and her G-d, and would not have sent soldiers to die needlessly over a family vendetta and corporate profits.
I have already cast my ballot via absentee, but before I jump off my soapbox, I want to give one shout out to the ladies to please go out and vote. You are your sister’s keeper, whether you like it or not, and your sisters have not been doing all that well.
Every week the bodies of nearly 60 women are found on the streets of Baghdad and other Iraqi cities as a result of the civil was between the Sunnis and Shiites and the emergence of radical Islamic mullahs who are now enforcing Sharia Law. Sharia Law is condoned by the new Iraqi constitution, which was written, largely, by our American government. Their constitution also provides corporate tax shelters that would blow your mind. It makes Swiss Bank accounts and offshore St. Bart’s banking transactions look tame.
This government has pumped millions of dollars into abstinence education for adults up to age 29, while cutting welfare benefits to struggling families, student loans for college and trade schools, funding for community and veterans hospitals, and tax relief for working adults with children. However, they have given huge tax breaks to anyone raking in over a million per year, so no matter where their religious affiliations fall, their loyalty is to one G-d only, and it’s green, not Jesus.
I’m not telling you who to vote for on Tuesday, but I am telling you to think before you punch your ballot. Put a twist on the old Reagan-era question, and ask yourself, “Is your country better off now than it was six years ago?”
In order to reach the verdict of death by hanging, the United States, along with other democracy-observing world allies, had to start a war with a country that never had the means to become a viable threat to anyone. Our government, including our president, falsified information, lied to the United Nations and the American people, and squandered the budget surplus to depose a leader who was nothing more than a trash-talking asshole. 2,800 American troops have been killed, tens of thousands of young American troops have sustained life-altering injuries (i.e. amputated limbs, injuries sustained to major organs, severe burns, traumatic brain injuries, extreme mental health damage, etc.), and it is estimated that over 100,000 Iraqi civilians have died. Don’t even get me started on the economic clusterfuck that has resulted from this war. Little Rachael’s grandchildren will be paying for Resident Bush’s family vendetta, and that pisses me off to no end.
All of this leads up to the election this Tuesday. I want everyone to keep this so-called victory over the tyranny of Saddam in perspective. There are a lot of assholes in this world who do not serve the best interest of their people and insist on operating with G-d-like powers. Unfortunately, a few of them are running our country.
When the 2000 election happened, I was not cool with the end result. The Electoral College made sense back in the day when most of the country was rural, and not every citizen could make it to the polls. In the golden age of the internet, cellphones, PDAs, and information access, it seems a little bizarre that we should have to rely on a group of politicians to decide our elections. Despite the questionable rise to power, I was willing to let the Grand Ol’ Party have their victory. My thought was, Okay GOP, you have absolute power, now go out and do all of the glorious things that you always said you wanted to do, but couldn’t, because you had the Democrats opposing you.
In just six short years, they have fucked up the prosperous economy, violated the Constitution, shit on the Bill of Rights, made the majority of the world hate us, started an expensive and illegal war, and made Teddy Kennedy and Al Sharpton look relevant and sane. Basically, they were hired to do a job and failed miserably, therefore the only thing to do at this point is to fire them, and hire a group that is far more competent to begin digging us out of this enormous hole.
Not that I’m a huge fan of the Democrats. They have been pussies during this whole process apologizing for every little remark that gains an ounce of controversy. I’m not under the delusion that they can solve all of the problems, but at this point, we are left with the lesser of two evils. The Republicans in power are not my stepfather’s GOP. My stepfather’s GOP would have never racked up an enormous debt, expanded the government to a colossal size, and invaded the privacy of citizens the way this government has. My stepfather’s GOP was never into telling a woman what to do with her body, because that should be between her, her family, and her G-d, and would not have sent soldiers to die needlessly over a family vendetta and corporate profits.
I have already cast my ballot via absentee, but before I jump off my soapbox, I want to give one shout out to the ladies to please go out and vote. You are your sister’s keeper, whether you like it or not, and your sisters have not been doing all that well.
Every week the bodies of nearly 60 women are found on the streets of Baghdad and other Iraqi cities as a result of the civil was between the Sunnis and Shiites and the emergence of radical Islamic mullahs who are now enforcing Sharia Law. Sharia Law is condoned by the new Iraqi constitution, which was written, largely, by our American government. Their constitution also provides corporate tax shelters that would blow your mind. It makes Swiss Bank accounts and offshore St. Bart’s banking transactions look tame.
This government has pumped millions of dollars into abstinence education for adults up to age 29, while cutting welfare benefits to struggling families, student loans for college and trade schools, funding for community and veterans hospitals, and tax relief for working adults with children. However, they have given huge tax breaks to anyone raking in over a million per year, so no matter where their religious affiliations fall, their loyalty is to one G-d only, and it’s green, not Jesus.
I’m not telling you who to vote for on Tuesday, but I am telling you to think before you punch your ballot. Put a twist on the old Reagan-era question, and ask yourself, “Is your country better off now than it was six years ago?”
Friday, November 03, 2006
Weekly Recap 10/29-11/4: Stupid Jokes & Scary Appetites
Headline News Recap
The mainstream (and so-called liberal) media’s panties were all in a bunch this week over a botched joke former presidential candidate, John Kerry, made that loosely insinuated that people serving in the military were from the uneducated segment of American society. Of course the neocons jumped all over this like a closeted Republican congressman with a hard-on and an underage page’s email address, and have been talking about it non-stop. What I want to know is, does anyone other than Fox News and neocon media give a fuck, because I don’t. For starters, 103 American soldiers died in Iraq last month, and we are still pissing billions away on this war. The economy is heading for a bad patch, because the real estate bubble is bursting everywhere, which means when all of the folks who bought houses at those great 5-1 and 7-1 arm interest rates are going to be up shit’s creek when their adjustable interest rate goes up. In about 18-20 months it will be foreclosure city, and all the media can talk about is a senator’s lame ass joke. Kerry isn’t even up for re-election!
This week Takeru Kobayashi took home his third straight championship title in the Krystal hamburger eating contest by downing 97 burgers in 8 minutes. This is the same little Japanese man who wins the Nathan’s hot eating contest every year. Does anyone else find this disturbing? Only in America could we come up with the sport of competitive eating! By the way, I’m not surprised it is an Asian man who is the champ. Sure, with their thin figures, size 4 butts, and quiet nature, they look unassuming, but I have many Asian friends and those people can eat. Don’t be fooled by their size, especially when it comes to hot dogs and sugar-free cake.
Evangelical Christian leader, Ted Haggard, admitted today that some of the claims made by a male prostitute who claimed he had an affair with Haggard were true. Aaaaaahhhh. I love the smell of hypocrites burning at the stake in the morning. This group of bastards was so ruthless and cut-throat in condemning homosexuals in the last election, and using blatant hatred to keep their hold on power, that this is a very fitting end to them. A rabbi once told me that G-d doesn’t directly interfere with the day-to-day conflicts of man, because everything has a way of working out in the end.
The New York Times published an article claiming that scientists have discovered that calorie-restrictive diets will slow the aging process. I can’t believe that someone who sits on their ass for 12 hours eating McDonalds and playing X-box will age (i.e. die) quicker than the person who consumes veggies and walks their dog daily. You know, maybe scientists should think of focusing on curing something rather than confirming shit we already know.
Whole Foods, the grocery chain that specializes in organic and health conscious food for rich socialites, saw its stock tumble this week as people finally wised up to the fact that they were paying $10 for organic grapes that are $6 less per pound than the organic grapes at Safeway, and had no difference in taste whatsoever.
The U.K. hired former Vice President, Al Gore, to be their environmental advisor this week. Kudos for England, and a big bitchslap to the U.S. Here we have a homegrown expert who can’t even offer his wealth of knowledge to his own country, because Dark Oil Overlord Cheney, and his sidekick The Saudi-loving Kid Bush run it.
In Local News
If the King County Elections Board wasn’t so incompetent I would suggest they come up with a way to flag any household that votes via absentee ballot. In the last week, I have received at least five trees worth of political mailers. I voted two weeks ago via absentee ballot, so now I’m just left to deal with more junk mail than any human should have to bear. As someone who recycles, and is conscious of environmental issues, I don’t like political candidates wasting the earth’s resources to accuse one another of bad shit that they probably didn’t do. Stop sending me crap or include an extra $7, so that I can pay my waste disposal service for the extra trash can I’m going to need this month.
How screwed up is this: I’ve been eating at least three Milky Way candy “bites” and one Hershey’s fun size bar each day, and I’ve lost weight. What the fuck!
Attention Whores Behaving Badly This Week
Brittney Spears’ husband Kevin Federline’s big concert was cancelled due to lack of interest. Later in the week he wrote a 1,500-word article for a major paper boo-hooing the fact that people don’t like him. Why can’t these people just go away! She’s well past her prime, and his presence adds nothing to society as a whole. Go away! Brittney, can’t you just fade into obscurity like a normal flash in the pan, resurrecting yourself only for the mandatory Playboy photo shoot?
Country singer and Nicole Kidman hubby, Keith Urban, went into rehab this week. I don’t care; he’s still nice to look at.
Actors Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe called it quits on their marriage this week. Although they’ve promised to keep divorce proceedings simple and civil for the sake of their children; that’s not likely to happen, right Sir Paul.
Sacha Baron Cohen’s character Borat seems to be pissing off someone new on a daily basis. The movie opens in most cities this week, and I can’t wait to see it. Any Jewish guy who can play a rapper wannabe and a Kazakhstani television reporter with a moustache overdose to complete perfection is well worth my two hours and $10. L’Chaim!
Quote of the Week
“Paula, like women everywhere, had come to hate [Tom Cruise].” – Viacom Chief, Sumner Redstone in Vanity Fair magazine on how his wife, Paula, might have influenced his decision to fire Tom Cruise.
I’m a woman, and I don’t hate Tom Cruise. I think he’s nutty as a bag of granola, but he’s just an actor, and as of today, one of the heads of United Artists studios. My point is that if I don’t like something that Tom does, I won’t see it, and it really won’t affect my daily life, as opposed to having lunatic lawmakers who can do way more damage than wasting two hours of our time on Mission: Impossible III.
The mainstream (and so-called liberal) media’s panties were all in a bunch this week over a botched joke former presidential candidate, John Kerry, made that loosely insinuated that people serving in the military were from the uneducated segment of American society. Of course the neocons jumped all over this like a closeted Republican congressman with a hard-on and an underage page’s email address, and have been talking about it non-stop. What I want to know is, does anyone other than Fox News and neocon media give a fuck, because I don’t. For starters, 103 American soldiers died in Iraq last month, and we are still pissing billions away on this war. The economy is heading for a bad patch, because the real estate bubble is bursting everywhere, which means when all of the folks who bought houses at those great 5-1 and 7-1 arm interest rates are going to be up shit’s creek when their adjustable interest rate goes up. In about 18-20 months it will be foreclosure city, and all the media can talk about is a senator’s lame ass joke. Kerry isn’t even up for re-election!
This week Takeru Kobayashi took home his third straight championship title in the Krystal hamburger eating contest by downing 97 burgers in 8 minutes. This is the same little Japanese man who wins the Nathan’s hot eating contest every year. Does anyone else find this disturbing? Only in America could we come up with the sport of competitive eating! By the way, I’m not surprised it is an Asian man who is the champ. Sure, with their thin figures, size 4 butts, and quiet nature, they look unassuming, but I have many Asian friends and those people can eat. Don’t be fooled by their size, especially when it comes to hot dogs and sugar-free cake.
Evangelical Christian leader, Ted Haggard, admitted today that some of the claims made by a male prostitute who claimed he had an affair with Haggard were true. Aaaaaahhhh. I love the smell of hypocrites burning at the stake in the morning. This group of bastards was so ruthless and cut-throat in condemning homosexuals in the last election, and using blatant hatred to keep their hold on power, that this is a very fitting end to them. A rabbi once told me that G-d doesn’t directly interfere with the day-to-day conflicts of man, because everything has a way of working out in the end.
The New York Times published an article claiming that scientists have discovered that calorie-restrictive diets will slow the aging process. I can’t believe that someone who sits on their ass for 12 hours eating McDonalds and playing X-box will age (i.e. die) quicker than the person who consumes veggies and walks their dog daily. You know, maybe scientists should think of focusing on curing something rather than confirming shit we already know.
Whole Foods, the grocery chain that specializes in organic and health conscious food for rich socialites, saw its stock tumble this week as people finally wised up to the fact that they were paying $10 for organic grapes that are $6 less per pound than the organic grapes at Safeway, and had no difference in taste whatsoever.
The U.K. hired former Vice President, Al Gore, to be their environmental advisor this week. Kudos for England, and a big bitchslap to the U.S. Here we have a homegrown expert who can’t even offer his wealth of knowledge to his own country, because Dark Oil Overlord Cheney, and his sidekick The Saudi-loving Kid Bush run it.
In Local News
If the King County Elections Board wasn’t so incompetent I would suggest they come up with a way to flag any household that votes via absentee ballot. In the last week, I have received at least five trees worth of political mailers. I voted two weeks ago via absentee ballot, so now I’m just left to deal with more junk mail than any human should have to bear. As someone who recycles, and is conscious of environmental issues, I don’t like political candidates wasting the earth’s resources to accuse one another of bad shit that they probably didn’t do. Stop sending me crap or include an extra $7, so that I can pay my waste disposal service for the extra trash can I’m going to need this month.
How screwed up is this: I’ve been eating at least three Milky Way candy “bites” and one Hershey’s fun size bar each day, and I’ve lost weight. What the fuck!
Attention Whores Behaving Badly This Week
Brittney Spears’ husband Kevin Federline’s big concert was cancelled due to lack of interest. Later in the week he wrote a 1,500-word article for a major paper boo-hooing the fact that people don’t like him. Why can’t these people just go away! She’s well past her prime, and his presence adds nothing to society as a whole. Go away! Brittney, can’t you just fade into obscurity like a normal flash in the pan, resurrecting yourself only for the mandatory Playboy photo shoot?
Country singer and Nicole Kidman hubby, Keith Urban, went into rehab this week. I don’t care; he’s still nice to look at.
Actors Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe called it quits on their marriage this week. Although they’ve promised to keep divorce proceedings simple and civil for the sake of their children; that’s not likely to happen, right Sir Paul.
Sacha Baron Cohen’s character Borat seems to be pissing off someone new on a daily basis. The movie opens in most cities this week, and I can’t wait to see it. Any Jewish guy who can play a rapper wannabe and a Kazakhstani television reporter with a moustache overdose to complete perfection is well worth my two hours and $10. L’Chaim!
Quote of the Week
“Paula, like women everywhere, had come to hate [Tom Cruise].” – Viacom Chief, Sumner Redstone in Vanity Fair magazine on how his wife, Paula, might have influenced his decision to fire Tom Cruise.
I’m a woman, and I don’t hate Tom Cruise. I think he’s nutty as a bag of granola, but he’s just an actor, and as of today, one of the heads of United Artists studios. My point is that if I don’t like something that Tom does, I won’t see it, and it really won’t affect my daily life, as opposed to having lunatic lawmakers who can do way more damage than wasting two hours of our time on Mission: Impossible III.
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Halloween in Suburbia
When I was a kid, Halloween was my favorite holiday. Between dressing up like my favorite superhero, Wonder Woman (no shock there), the cheesy horror flicks, and the ungodly amounts of candy, it was the type of holiday that made the Fall season worthwhile. Now that I’m a grown up and a parent, I still love Halloween, but I have a bit of a different spin on the spooky holiday.
Last Halloween Rachael was still just a little thing. She went to a few houses for trick or treat, but with the cold, rainy weather and her inability to understand the concept behind Halloween, she wasn’t really into it. This year was a different story. We began priming her a couple of weeks ago by talking up the whole ‘say “trick or treat” and they give you candy” thing, and encouraging her to take an interest in recycling her costume from last year. It still fit, and she didn’t wear it very long, so why spend the money on a new one. By last night, Miss Rachael was dressed as a little piggy and ready to go.
I let Jeff take her around the neighborhood for a couple of reasons; first off, I loathe cold weather, and last night it peaked at 32 degrees, and secondly, I had a great fear of what might happen if no one was at our house to hand out candy. Our neighborhood is filled with enough of a little bastard element that if we failed to produce candy, we would most likely find the pumpkins I worked so hard carving, smashed to pieces in our driveway.
The biggest danger, of course, was that I was manning the candy bowl. I am a notorious sweet tooth and a chocoholic; so having to handle bite-sized candy bars for two hours was a recipe for disaster. However, I did learn something quite valuable. It is not possible for a 33-year-old woman to overdose on chocolate. There you go, my contribution to science for the year.
I also realized that cheap bastards run all the candy companies. When I was a kid, the “fun size” Halloween candy bars were half the size of normal candy bars, now bunny turds are bigger than what passes as a “bite”. Not that I should be consuming as much chocolate as I did last night, but I do feel like the 5 lb. bag should be worth the money.
Kids seem to be turning into smartasses earlier these days. Last night I encountered several kids from the ages of 7-10 years old who came to my door, said “trick or treat”, then followed it with some kind of smartass remark. Maybe they are getting on the computer earlier in life, or all of the growth hormone in the meat has made them more advanced, but I didn’t have smartass skills or a grasp of sarcastic humor until I was at least 12 years old. Most of the comments weren’t bad, just annoying.
It was nice to see that all of the kids dressed as Paris Hilton were boys. At one point, four 9 year old boys came to my house dressed in identical hot pink shirts, miniskirts, blonde wigs, and carrying around stuffed little dogs. I tried to figure out who they were and asked stupidly if they were dressed as Cindy Brady. One boy looked at me with the normal reply of “Who is Cindy Brady?” While the other laughed and said, “We’re Paris Hilton.” The last boy just looked at me as if to say, Old woman, it was nice of you to try and make small talk, but we don’t come from your era, so just make with the candy and wish us a ‘Happy Halloween’.
The trick or treaters dried up earlier than expected leaving us with way too much leftover candy. Thankfully, Rachael’s 3rd birthday is just around the corner and we have a piñata, so I won’t end up eating it all after a bad weekly weigh-in. I ended the night with a workout, because after you’ve consumed too many fun sized bars to count, you’d better find away to get your sick-stomached ass on that elliptical machine.
For the record, I did dress up, but not as Wonder Woman. To keep the spirit of Halloween alive, I pulled the inflatable pumpkin costume out of the back of a closet, and wore it for a couple of hours. I purchased it the year I was pregnant with Rachael, and it was perfect. It gave me a ton of room to move around in, and was inflated by a little battery-operated fan that blew cool air up my back, which was perfect for a pregnant woman with a 100-degree body temperature. This year, however, it just made me cold.
Next year, perhaps, I’ll invest in a new costume. Rachael will be too big to wear her piggy outfit, and since she is a staunch individualist with a tendency towards temper tantrums, it is highly unlikely that Jeff and I will have any influence over her costume choice. Maybe, I’ll go for the Wonder Woman again, but that all depends on whether I can stay on the elliptical and away from the fun size bars.
Last Halloween Rachael was still just a little thing. She went to a few houses for trick or treat, but with the cold, rainy weather and her inability to understand the concept behind Halloween, she wasn’t really into it. This year was a different story. We began priming her a couple of weeks ago by talking up the whole ‘say “trick or treat” and they give you candy” thing, and encouraging her to take an interest in recycling her costume from last year. It still fit, and she didn’t wear it very long, so why spend the money on a new one. By last night, Miss Rachael was dressed as a little piggy and ready to go.
I let Jeff take her around the neighborhood for a couple of reasons; first off, I loathe cold weather, and last night it peaked at 32 degrees, and secondly, I had a great fear of what might happen if no one was at our house to hand out candy. Our neighborhood is filled with enough of a little bastard element that if we failed to produce candy, we would most likely find the pumpkins I worked so hard carving, smashed to pieces in our driveway.
The biggest danger, of course, was that I was manning the candy bowl. I am a notorious sweet tooth and a chocoholic; so having to handle bite-sized candy bars for two hours was a recipe for disaster. However, I did learn something quite valuable. It is not possible for a 33-year-old woman to overdose on chocolate. There you go, my contribution to science for the year.
I also realized that cheap bastards run all the candy companies. When I was a kid, the “fun size” Halloween candy bars were half the size of normal candy bars, now bunny turds are bigger than what passes as a “bite”. Not that I should be consuming as much chocolate as I did last night, but I do feel like the 5 lb. bag should be worth the money.
Kids seem to be turning into smartasses earlier these days. Last night I encountered several kids from the ages of 7-10 years old who came to my door, said “trick or treat”, then followed it with some kind of smartass remark. Maybe they are getting on the computer earlier in life, or all of the growth hormone in the meat has made them more advanced, but I didn’t have smartass skills or a grasp of sarcastic humor until I was at least 12 years old. Most of the comments weren’t bad, just annoying.
It was nice to see that all of the kids dressed as Paris Hilton were boys. At one point, four 9 year old boys came to my house dressed in identical hot pink shirts, miniskirts, blonde wigs, and carrying around stuffed little dogs. I tried to figure out who they were and asked stupidly if they were dressed as Cindy Brady. One boy looked at me with the normal reply of “Who is Cindy Brady?” While the other laughed and said, “We’re Paris Hilton.” The last boy just looked at me as if to say, Old woman, it was nice of you to try and make small talk, but we don’t come from your era, so just make with the candy and wish us a ‘Happy Halloween’.
The trick or treaters dried up earlier than expected leaving us with way too much leftover candy. Thankfully, Rachael’s 3rd birthday is just around the corner and we have a piñata, so I won’t end up eating it all after a bad weekly weigh-in. I ended the night with a workout, because after you’ve consumed too many fun sized bars to count, you’d better find away to get your sick-stomached ass on that elliptical machine.
For the record, I did dress up, but not as Wonder Woman. To keep the spirit of Halloween alive, I pulled the inflatable pumpkin costume out of the back of a closet, and wore it for a couple of hours. I purchased it the year I was pregnant with Rachael, and it was perfect. It gave me a ton of room to move around in, and was inflated by a little battery-operated fan that blew cool air up my back, which was perfect for a pregnant woman with a 100-degree body temperature. This year, however, it just made me cold.
Next year, perhaps, I’ll invest in a new costume. Rachael will be too big to wear her piggy outfit, and since she is a staunch individualist with a tendency towards temper tantrums, it is highly unlikely that Jeff and I will have any influence over her costume choice. Maybe, I’ll go for the Wonder Woman again, but that all depends on whether I can stay on the elliptical and away from the fun size bars.
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