Weekly Recap 11/12-18: Cold Nerd Balls & Jail Bait

Headline News Recap
Nerds everywhere are freezing their unused balls off this very moment waiting for the release of PlayStation III. Earlier in the week, Microsoft released its challenge to Apple’s iPod called Zune. I’m sure the nerds were excited about this as well, but they didn’t feel it was worth icing their scrotum on a hard sidewalk. The next time we are likely to see a bunch of grown men with no lives waiting in line to shell out an assload of cash for something that gives a lot of promises, but only wastes your life, will probably be the lobbyist train courting the candidates in the 2008 elections.

Pakistan proved that it was a lovable and cuddly country again this week by telling women that their word, physical and DNA evidence might be enough to bring rape charges. Under the old Islamic law, a rape victim had to bring four male witnesses to vouch for the rape. If rape was not proven, such as having only one or two male witnesses, the woman could be tried and convicted as an adulterer. I don’t know what books they’ve been reading in Pakistan, but usually when four guys witness a rape, it’s because they’re involved in it, hence the Catch 22. Of course there were mass protests by Islamic clerics, because, damn it, if they can’t stone a rape victim to death for speaking up, then what ever will they do for entertainment on a Friday night? You know, the next time someone tells me that Islam is a peaceful religion, I’m just going to shake my head and walk away in disgust.

Speaking of disgust, the Republicans (also trying to prove they are lovable and cuddly) welcomed Trent Lott back into the leadership fold by making him the Senate Minority Leader. Republicans, don’t you get it? The country doesn’t like your neocon regime! Didn’t that little election thingy last Tuesday tell you something! We want these assholes gone, do you hear us, gone!

Since we are on the subject of assholes, the final Enron executive to be tried was sentenced to 5 ½ years in prison and fined $1.25 million dollars. Richard Causey was Enron’s chief accounting officer, and took part in altering the books, so that he and the other crooks could rob the company blind and leave its hardworking employees broke and pensionless. Hey Causey, enjoy your time in prison, and don’t drop the soap.

Continuing the topic of prison, Jack Abramoff, the Republican Party lobbyist who bribed politicians and traded favors for political influence began serving his six year sentence for fraud. Abramoff, you are an embarrassment to the Jewish people, and all those who hold the idea of democracy close to their hearts. I hope you and Causey have a great time behind bars, and once again, don’t drop the soap.

The Socialist Party in France has backed Segolene Royal as its nominee, which means their victory would make her the first female president. England has had a female Prime Minister, Germany has a woman as its leader, and even many African countries have ladies running their government. Okay, United States, by now you must realize that you don’t need a penis to run a country, so if I don’t see more ladies on the ballot in the next go ‘round, then you are going to force me to seriously think about running for office, and trust me, the last thing you want is a foul-mouthed punk voting on legislation.

In Local News
The 10-day weather forecast has given me the inspiration to complete the final construction of the ark. It’s been raining like a son-of-a-bitch, more so than normal, here in the Seattle area. Roads are flooded, basements are filled with water, and I haven’t been able to wear a decent pair of Mary Jane shoes in nearly a month. I’m all for a little of the wet stuff, but not when it makes my hair look like a Brillo pad. Enough already!

By the way, I’ll be at the Blackest of the Black show on Friday night featuring Danzig and Lacuna Coil at The Fenix. I would encourage anyone in the area to grab some black clothing, $27, a good set of earplugs, and come on out to the show. I’ll be the one in the long, purple jacket standing on my toes, craning my neck, trying to see over the 7’ tall guy who always ends up standing in front of me.

Celebrities Who Pissed Me off This Week
O.J. Simpson is back in the news, because the world didn’t quite get its fill of him during that damn murder trial. He has a book, and there might be a confession, and Fred Goldman is on TV pissed off again, and aren’t we completely sick of this whole story yet? The guy probably killed his wife, and got away with it, because the prosecution was inept and his defense used the race card. The whole situation is an embarrassment to the American justice system, so let’s bury it for good, and move on.

In case you are blind, deaf, and living in a remote cave in the middle of nowhere, Brittney Spears dumped her deadbeat husband, Kevin Federline, and (what a shock) the divorce is getting ugly. She claims to have an “iron clad” pre-nup, but get real, she filed for divorce in Los Angeles where lawyers have made finding loopholes in “iron clad” pre-nups an art form. Brittney, take my advice, pay him off, keep your kids, and move on with your life. No amount of money is worth his sorry ass hanging around.

If you are still living in a cave and happen to still be deaf and blind, then you also don’t know that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are getting married in Rome. Who the fuck cares! They had a kid, they aren’t letting press into the wedding, and frankly, the guy in his underwear from Risky Business marrying the chick from Dawson’s Creek just doesn’t do anything for me…accept annoy me.

Quote of the Week
“If this was any other coach…this would be a non-issue.” – Commentator Fran Fraschilla to ESPN about Texas Tech Basketball Coach (and raving lunatic) Bobby Knight slapping one of his players during a game.

I think this might go under the “No Shit” file, but not for the reasons Fran is referring to. He thinks the slapping incident is only an issue, because of Bobby’s unique and “heavy handed” or “controversial” coaching style. This belongs in the “No Shit” file, because Bobby’s coaching “style” is abusive. If he didn’t win games, he would be in jail! I would never let my kid play on a team coached by this man, because I don’t hit my kid and I don’t want anyone else to either. Isn’t it sad that our society is so in love with sports and winning sports games that we let guys like Bobby Knight continue to work with kids, when he clearly can’t keep it in check? Bobby, you’re a fucking lunatic and you don’t belong coaching kids. Tony Robbins has an “unorthodox” coaching style, you are just an asshole.

Have a great Thanksgiving everyone! And to those outside of the U.S., bond with your American brethren, eat a turkey sandwich on Thursday and think about large balloons floating down the streets of New York City.