Enough with This "Winning" Crap, Already!

Winning is a good thing. It’s nice to feel victorious or know you are the best at something. I like winning, and feeling like a winner, but lately, I’m not all that fond of the word itself.

Last night I was flipping stations endlessly under the delusion that I would find something interesting and informative, when I passed by Fox News. Fox’s shorter, younger, more egotistical version of Rush Limbaugh, otherwise known as Sean Hannity, was grilling an anti-war activist asking him how he expected the U.S. to win the war if the citizens didn’t give all of their blind devotion, love and dollars to Resident Bush. Okay, I’m paraphrasing, but anyone who’s had to listen to this blowhard fuck for five seconds knows I’m not off base by a centimeter with the above description.

After being completely disgusted, and launching into a verbal rant that would have made a sailor blush (thankfully, the toddler was in bed), I began to consider the whole concept of “winning” this war in Iraq.

In order to give a thorough analysis, let’s look at war. War is when two tribes, countries, groups of people, decide that they hate each other so much that they can’t bear the thought of living on the same earth as the other, and therefore arrive at the only reasonable solution: the other tribe/country/group of people must die.

The only way to win a war, under the above particular definition of war, is to kill more people than your rival tribe/country/group of people, which means that the only way to win the war in Iraq, at this point, is to begin killing a hell of a lot more people. I’m sure folks like Hannity and his ilk are all in favor of it, but given the half million people who showed up in Washington D.C. to protest the war, the registered voters who gave the Republicans the boot, and bloggers all over the world who are screaming for an end, thankfully, the neocons don’t have the consent needed to pursue their bloodlust.

Not that the lack of support will stop them in their desire to conquer all, and spread democracy, no matter how many Iraqi children they have to send to their graves, damn it! Unfortunately, we have an asshole in the White House who is so rooted in simple definitions that he refuses to look at the broader implications of winning this war. I wouldn’t put it past him to begin discussing nukes in the near future, which as previously mentioned in the above, simplistic definition of winning a war, would be a way of winning. He doesn’t have any regard for human life, no matter how hard he trumpets the anti-choice agenda, and since our troops are maxed, nukes will be the next thing our fearless leader tries to convince us will work.

In previous generations, war has been used to combat aggressors, put an end to human suffering, and achieve peace. Leaders who went to war with the purpose of fighting tyranny agonized at the idea of the innocent human life that would be lost, but that seemed to change around the time of Vietnam, when war became nothing more than a way to make one ideology trump another. We should have learned our lesson then, but fast forward to 2002 when we were fighting them over there, so we wouldn’t have to fight them over here.

The reality is that winning this war isn’t possible, and, more importantly, we can no longer frame it as a winner/loser situation. Most Americans want to bring the situation to an end realizing that although we did combat an aggressor in Iraq, we failed to look at history and realize that the country was made up of three warring tribes that will stop at nothing to win their own age-old war. It is no longer about winning, more than it is about ending American involvement. There isn’t going to be peace or an end to human suffering until the Sunnis, Shiias, and Khurds work out their own disputes, which given the current state of Iraq, might be awhile.

The most important thing to do at this point, other than drop the word “winning” in terms of speaking about Iraq is to realize that no one wins a war. A lot of people die, cities are destroyed, and power changes hands for better or worse, but the very mention of a “winner” or “loser” is always subjective. The only winner I’ve seen so far in this whole Iraq debacle, despite what Hannity, Bush, and other dittoheads say, is companies like Halliburton, crooked Iraqi officials, fundamentalist Muslim groups who hate the U.S., and oil companies who have discovered the best long-range excuse to keep gouging a public that is already paying out the ass for the worst presidential fuck up in history. Nope, there are no winners here, and there won’t be anytime soon, so enough of this “winning” crap, already!

Weekly Recap 1/21-27: Body Image Irritations & Dumb W.

Headline News Recap
Resident Bush’s Tuesday night State-of-the-Union address claims that amongst other things, our economy is strong, there have been millions of new jobs created, the No Child Left Behind Act has produced successful results, and that he wants to work with the Democratic leadership to give more Americans better access to healthcare coverage and strengthen Medicare and Social Security. Funny, it seemed like just yesterday in his State-of-the-Union address in 2003 he promised to build government-funded healthcare clinics in every community in the U.S. It’s amazing what you can say when you don’t have things like truth and honesty standing in your way.

Just as a side note: less than 48 hours after delivering his Tuesday address expressing his desire to work with Democrats, Bushy made a statement in front of his generals that he was the “decision maker” regarding the future of American involvement in Iraq. Perhaps someone should explain to the spoiled boy prince exactly what the words “working together” mean, and if you do, speak slowly, this is G.W. after all.

Republican Senators stood fast to their “compassionate conservative” credo by voting against a bill to raise the minimum wage unless it contained $8 billion in tax breaks for businesses. Well, at least those miserable bastards are honest about where their loyalties lie.

Rolling Stone magazine claimed this week that the Democrats would be hard pressed to find a presidential candidate better than Al Gore. This statement might have been worth taking seriously if it didn’t come from a publication that claims to be on the cutting edge of music, but regularly features Brittney Spears, Justin Timberlake, and other garbage pop stars/bands on its cover while ignoring the good artists in the underground.

Body images issues were big in international news this week as Great Britain said on Wednesday that they would not uphold the ban on waif-like models, because they didn’t want to hamper the creativity of designers. The British government claims that the onus falls on the fashion industry to police itself, because that policy has worked so well up until now. On the more sensible, polar opposite end of the argument, the Spanish government has ruled that store mannequins need to be fattened up to, at least, a size 10 in order to appear in shop windows. All I can say at this point is, “Viva la Espana!”

In keeping with their particular brand of journalistic integrity, Fox News blowhard, Neil Cavuto, hosted a gripping issues-oriented roundtable with a group of Hooters waitresses addressing such important topics like the recent beauty pageant scandals, the characteristics one needs to become a Hooters waitress, and why the world just seems to be so down on pretty women lately. Isn’t funny to see what happens when the official news network of the Bush Administration can’t even defend their boy, because no one’s buying their bullshit anymore and they don’t want to sacrifice ratings.

Porn stars are in a tussle about high definition television. Apparently, HDTV tends to reveal everything including skin irritations, stretch marks, and that random bullet wound scar that appears on one’s ass from having a life that led them to porn in the first place. Those who perform sex for money on film are now compensating through plastic surgery, extreme tanning, and better lighting, however, they do say that HDTV is an advantage, because it does make the experience of watching more real. If the porn industry has the desire to make the experience more real, instead of high-def, wouldn’t they be better served handing out lotion samples along with books on how to meet a real, living woman?

Germaphobes everywhere can breathe easier (if they are wearing their protective face masks). Scientists specializing in disease control have discovered that microwaving items such as the sponges, scrubbing pads, and towels used for cleaning, for two minutes will leave them 99% bacteria free. This process can now accompany lines of products such as anti-microbial pens, file folders, and trash cans with infrared sensors, in the fight against germs. Wouldn’t it just be easier to build up an immune system?

In Local News
A coffee stand in Tacoma is doing great business by having their baristas dress in barely there clothing. The gals say they make great tips and see nothing wrong with hocking their coochie for coffee. You know, when I was thrown to the ground and man-handled by two brutish police officers while being arrested for protesting all in an effort to give women greater freedom to determine their own destinies, this wasn’t exactly what I had in mind.

A man in Washington State was arrested for domestic violence after he used a stun gun on his wife’s 79 year old grandmother. The two were having a dispute over how to discipline the family’s toddler when he got pissed and let Granny have it. Seattle is a progressive, intelligent area, then there’s the rest of Washington.

Worthless Entertainment News
Well, buy me a crystal ball and call me Madame Zelda, a couple of weeks ago I predicted that within the year, David and Victoria Beckham would have their own reality show. It didn’t even take a month, and the two are in negotiations with Fox to have cameras following them 24/7 as they settle into their new lives in L.A. The show promises to be modeled after The Osbournes, only the music will be far worse.

The Donald Trump/Rosie O’Donnell publicity feud has ended just in time for entertainment news sources to get back to reporting on more important things like the fact that Lindsay Lohan keeps her removed appendix in a jar in her freezer. That’s just fucking twisted.

Quote of the Week
“The blonde hair she has now makes her look skinny.” – a PR rep for famous sitcom twin, Mary Kate Olsen, commenting on the star’s skeletal appearance at the Golden Globe Awards.

Under this same logic, the rep would probably have us believe that the moon is, indeed, made of cheese and that O.J. never laid a finger on his ex-wife. Anna Nicole Smith’s hair was its blondest while she was filming her TV show, and believe me, her body didn’t look a thing like Mary Kate’s. The sad thing is that Mary Kate is a young lady with fame, tons of money, and possibly a bright future (if she doesn’t keep depleting her body of calcium and iron), and the only thing this woman is concerned about is keeping her weight under 100 lbs.

Between Britain’s refusal to ban anorexic models, baristas using their bare bodies to sell lattes, and Hollywood’s silent requirement that all female actors look like whippets, I’m seriously thinking that Spain might be a better destination than California.

Report Card

I’ve taken great pleasure in listening to the whining neocons go on and on about the Democrats since they took control at the beginning of January and restored the checks and balances system that was supposed to be a staple of our government. Don’t get me wrong, I have plenty of complaints about Democrats, but I have ten times the number of angry grumblings about Republicans, because of the way they all so quickly lied down and spread for an administration that has bordered on a dictatorship since the day it stole the election. I know Justice Scalia said we need to just “get over it”, but sorry, I’m a citizen that votes and pays taxes to uphold a system that is supposed to count my vote, so I’m not getting over it anytime soon, motherfucker.

Back to neocon whining, they have already begun tearing Dems apart on shit that hasn’t even happened, and continue to tout their golden boy, George W., as a knowledgeable president whose goal it is to bring the world closer to democracy, basically the neocons have completely lost their minds, and don’t get the fact that the American people have caught onto them.

Anyways, before the lies about Dems start spewing forth from the mouths of the neocons like diarrhea from a toddler’s ass (I’ll take the poppy baby butt any day), I think it’s only fair to give an accurate assessment of the job our Resident-in-Chief has been doing since taking office in 2000. Oh, and just for credibility purposes, which Bill O’Reilly constantly harps on, the sources for all of these stats are listed.

Here’s W’s report card:

ON INCOMES:
--Median household income in 2000: $47,599
--Median household income in 2005: $46,326
(US Census Bureau, Table H-8. Median Household Income by State: 1984 to 2005)

--Salary of a full-time minimum wage employee without vacation: $10,712
--Average time for top CEOs to earn that sum: 2.06 hours
(Forbes Magazine. "What the Boss Makes." April 20, 2006)

--Federal minimum wage in 2000: $5.15/hr
--Federal minimum wage in 2006: $5.15/hr
--Loss in purchasing power, full time worker annually: $1,562

ON ENERGY PRICES:
--Average price of home heating oil on Jan. 3, 2000: $1.15 per gallon
--Average price of home heating oil on Jan. 1, 2007: $2.42 per gallon
(U.S. Energy Information Admin. Jan. 4, 2007)

--Average price of gasoline on Jan. 3, 2000: $1.31 per gallon
--Average price of gasoline on Jan. 1, 2007: $2.38 per gallon
(U.S. Energy Information Admin. Jan. 5, 2007)

--Exxon Mobil profits in 2000: $7.9 billion
--Exxon Mobil profits in 2006: $36.1 billion
(CNNMoney.com, accessed Jan. 19, 2007)

ON EDUCATION:
--Average cost of a year at a public four-year college in 2000: $9,958
--Average cost of a year at a public four-year college in 2006: $12,796
(Costs include tuition, fees, room & board. MSN Money 2000/Associated Press. Jan. 14, 2005. College Board. Trends in College Pricing 2007)

ON HEALTH CARE COSTS:
--Americans without health insurance, 2000: 38.2 million
--Americans without health insurance, 2005: 46.6 million
(US Census Bureau, Sept. 2001; US Census Bureau, Aug. 2006)

--Average monthly worker contribution for family coverage in 2000: $135
--Average monthly worker contribution for family coverage in 2006: $248
--Personal bankruptcies due to medical bills: 55 percent
(The Kaiser Family Foundation, Sept. 26, 2006; Health Affairs Health Policy Journal, Feb. 2, 2005)

ON THE IRAQ WAR:
--Number of US troops killed in Iraq prior to “Mission Accomplished” speech in 2003: 139
--Number of US troops killed in Iraq as of Jan. 22, 2007: 3,056
--Number of Iraqi civilians killed in 2006, according to the United Nations: 34,452
(iCasualties.org, Jan. 22, 2007; U.N. Assistance Mission for Iraq, Jan. 16, 2006)

--Number of US troops wounded in Iraq prior to “Mission Accomplished” speech in 2003: 542
--Number of US troops wounded in Iraq as of January 10, 2007: 22,834
(iCasualties.org. Jan. 10, 2007)

--Total US military expenditures (including in Iraq and Afghanistan) in 2006: $522 billion
--Total military expenditures of the 10 next top spenders combined: $386 billion (Includes China, Russia, the UK, Japan, France, Germany, Saudi Arabia, South Korea, Italy, and Australia. Center for Arms Control and Non-Proliferation. Feb. 16, 2006.)

--U.S. Federal Discretionary Budget spent on Military not including Iraq, in 2006: 48.7 percent
--Amount spent on Education: 6.7 percent
(White House Office of Management and Budget, Feb. 6, 2006)

ON DEBTS AND DEFICITS:
--Monthly U.S. Trade Deficit in October 2000: $33.8 billion
--Monthly U.S. Trade Deficit in October 2006: $58.9 billion
(U.S. Census Bureau Foreign Trade Statistics. Jan. 10, 2007)

--U.S. Current Account Deficit, FY 2000: $435.4 billion
--U.S. Current Account Deficit, FY 2006: $900 billion
(Economic Policy Institute. March 14, 2001; Economic Policy Institute. March 14, 2006)

--Loss of value of U.S. dollar relative to the Euro, Jan. 24, 2000 to Jan. 23, 2006: 23 percent
(X-rate.com, accessed Jan. 23, 2006)

--US Budget Deficit in FY 2000: $230 billion surplus
--US Budget Deficit in FY 2006: $423 billion deficit
(White House Office of Management and Budget. Budget of the United States Government, Historical Tables, Fiscal Year 2007; White House Office of Management and Budget. Table S-1. 2006 budget totals)

--US National Debt in FY 2000: $5.7 trillion
--US National Debt in FY 2006: $8.5 trillion
(Bureau of the Public Debt, Jan. 16, 2007)

I guess Georgie forgot to read the Cliff’s Notes. If I was a teacher, I’d be torn; do I hold him back another year until he figures it out, or do I let him pass, because I don’t want to deal with him any longer than I have to. It doesn’t matter, because the one piece of rhetoric coming from the mainstream, corporate that rings true is the fact that George W. Bush is the worst present in U.S. history.

Many thanks to Frank at Democratic Socialists of America for the stats and sources.

Leni Dearest

Since the earliest I can remember, I find myself in interesting, odd situations that have come to be known as Seinfeld moments. They are bizarre, yet low key, situational circumstances that had they been written by Larry David and acted out on the small screen by Jerry, Elaine, George or Kramer would bring about the type of hysterical laughing that causes one to shoot soda through your nose.

Last night was a quintessential Seinfeld moment. My friend, Monica, invited me to see a silent movie. In Seattle, the Paramount Theater runs various silent movie series where they have a guy playing an authentic Wurlitzer organ through the entire movie and have someone narrating the titles if they aren’t in English. This was going to be a very cool experience.

We had dinner, and made sure we got to the theater in time to grab good seats. Monica had purchased tickets for the series of three movies not knowing what the movies were or their content. When they handed us the program, we found out Monica’s film trio were German existentialist pictures, which seemed very interesting. She had missed the first one due to a nasty snowstorm that paralyzed the city, but we were at the second one in the series.

I was looking through the program reading the description of our film, The White Hell of Pitz Palu, while a professor of theater arts introed the film. The movie was made in 1929…okay, definitely authentic. It was considered the ultimate mountaineer movie of it’s time…hmmm, pre-Cliffhanger or all those ski films from the ‘80s, I can believe it. In the role of the female lead is a young Leni Riefenstahl…okay Leni, what the fuck!

My horrified gasp must have been noticeable, because Monica immediately turned to me with wide eyes exclaiming, “What?” For those of you who aren’t familiar with the name Leni Riefenstahl, let me fill you in. This beautiful, doe-eyed gal we were about to watch for a full two hours might have been climbing the snowy caps of Pitz Palu in 1929, but by 1935 she was producing, directing, writing and editing Triumph of the Will; the film that served as the ultimate tool by the Nazis to deify Adolf Hitler and the entire Nazi movement. Leni Dearest would end up becoming the unofficial filmmaker for the Third Reich spreading Hitler’s propaganda, and defending her work and involvement until her death in 2003 at the age of 101 (bastards do tend to live forever).

Monica asked if I wanted to leave, but I opted to stay. I knew how much she was looking forward to this experience, besides I’m open-minded, and Leni wasn’t a Nazi at that point. There should have been a device recording the running commentary in my head during the movie, again, it would have been the stuff Jerry could have made a mint on.

When Leni appears on the screen playing the young newlywed, I looked up thinking, so young, so sweet, little did they know she end up being a Nazi whore. The scene where she, her new groom, and the experienced mountain climber are trapped on an icy hill freezing made me smile as I thought, too bad the bitch really didn’t freeze to death on that hill. Maybe I was being a touch judgmental, but after the fall of the Third Reich, Leni came out publicly saying she was never a member of the Nazi Party (she just let them finance her films, and had an intimate working relationship with Hitler), and she stood by her work (because, damn it, those shots of SS marching lockstep were lit just perfectly). Leni Dearest also said she was never anti-Semitic, but they always say stuff like that when the Nazi Hunters come a knockin’.

I’m sure there are tons of film geeks out there who would love to tear me a new ass for ripping on Leni given her reputation as a filmmaker, so I’ll admit it, after two hours of watching black and white shots of the icy Alps with anticlimactic organ music playing in the background, I am unable to separate the woman from her legacy as a Nazi spin machine, and I guarantee I’ll never sit through another Leni Riefenstahl movie again. Thankfully, I have the sense of humor that prevented me from yelling, “fucking Nazi bitch” as the film came to a close.

Weekly Recap 1/15-20: Beauty Pageant Blunders & Dumb Drivers

Headline News Recap
Beauty pageants seem to be doomed these days as another beauty queen, Miss New Jersey Ashley Harder, stepped down this week, because it was discovered she was pregnant with her live-in boyfriend’s baby. This comes in the wake of the racy internet photos that cost Miss Nevada USA Katie Rees her crown, and Miss USA Tara Conner her reputation after being caught drinking and cavorting in New York City bars. All of this beauty pageant mishegas makes one wonder, why the hell do we still have beauty pageants in this day and age? Aren’t these broads really just a rhinestone headdress away from a stint on one of those Girl Gone Wild videos?

We can now officially tell anyone who denies global warming to go fuck themselves as snow appeared in Malibu this week. There is speculation that President Bush plans to refute the idea of global warming in his next State of the Union address, and this idea might be received by some people, if they weren’t freezing their asses off in their Bermuda shorts. With snow hitting areas like Arizona, Southern California, and heat waves running through the East Coast, while severe weather wipes out 50 people in the Midwest, global warming not only exists, it’s kicking our ass! Kyoto Treaty Now!

MySpace is set to release software that will allow parents to view details of their child’s profile causing some activists to call into question whether parents should be allowed to invade their child’s privacy. So here’s the deal, as a parent, my rules are simple: you live in my house, eat my food, I pay your bills, provide the computer, and when you want privacy rights, you can move out and take responsibility for your own expenses or move in with those so-called activists, end of story.

The Democrats made good on their promise to get something done in their first 100 hours in power, including rescinding $14 billion in tax substitutes to oil companies. The Dems, instead, decided to use that money to invest in alternative energy science, or as Resident Bush likes to put it, they took money away from hard working people in the oil industry and gave it to the un-American terrorists developing new ways to burn the American flag. He would also like to know why we can’t send the $14 billion to Iraq.

A judge ruled this week that trying to jump off the Empire State Building is not depraved enough to be a crime. The case was brought when a “daredevil” was arrested for attempting the stunt last April, which leads me to wonder, exactly what can we arrest David Blaine for?

Outgoing Republican National Committee Chair, Ken Mehlman, warned that if the GOP doesn’t reach out to minorities and address voters’ concerns about ethics and the war that they would suffer further defeats. You see Ken, it’s that kind of logical thinking and reasoning that cost you your job in the first place. In the party of George W. Bush, there is no place for factual information or concern for the average American. Better luck next time Kenny.

In Local News
Despite the remainder of the snow melting away on Thursday leaving the roads with a normal coat of Seattle wetness, drivers were still acting like senior citizens on Valium driving at a brisk pace of 25 miles per hour and breaking every few yards just to be safe. This behavior left me feeling very pro-nuclear and wondering why the fuck people in the Northwest bother to drive at all.

Worthless Entertainment News
Donald Trump got his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame this week, which makes perfect sense since he is known for such thespian qualities like saying “You’re Fired” on a reality show, and enhancing the public dialog by carrying on a feud with a humorous lesbian. How much do you think The Donald paid for that star?

Hugh Hefner and his girlfriend (one of the three), Holly Madison, are considering having a child next year. Hef, who is 81, says that Holly really wants a kid and he is willing to oblige. Okay, enough already. Look Hef, we know, you’re an old guy, and you’re getting laid by hot, 20-something ass. You’ve got a ton of that hot ass, and it’s all yours and they lay around naked all over your house, and you are a total stud who parties with hot chicks. Stop with the kid business already, because as much as you want everyone to know you’re getting laid, everyone is still grossed out by the thought of 81-year-old balls.

Quote of the Week
“This raises a set of very difficult medical and ethical questions.” – Thomas Murray who heads a bioethics think tank commenting on the U.S.’s first womb transplant.

This surgery is risky, and doesn’t ensure successful pregnancies, in fact, the rate of failure and complication is far greater than the rate of success, but the positive thing is that instead of putting time and energy into curing breast cancer, heart disease, or other health issues that effect women, the world is focusing on making sure women can have babies, because what’s the use of having your health if you can’t be pregnant at some point. What year are we living in for G-d’s sake!?!

It's the Little Things That Are So Annoying

I get annoyed by something on a daily basis, and not by big things, like the fact that my husband calls me every hour on my cell phone or that my daughter has to fight me on everything I tell her. Instead I get steamed by the little things that, if they would only disappear, would make my life much more tolerable.

Kiwi Hair – You want to have a nice, refreshing piece of fruit, so you pick out a kiwi with the perfect amount of firmness/right amount of squishiness. You place it on your counter, and the moment you pick it up, it looks like the business end of your razor after a week-long camping trip. The worst part is that those little hairs never seem to wipe away easy. Nope, there you are 15 minutes later trying to get the last of the kiwi hairs off your counter. That’s a whole 15 minutes of your life you will never get back thanks to kiwi hair.

Messages on my Maxi Pads – So I’m in the bathroom taking care of business during that time of the month. I look down as I’m changing my pad only to see a little message printed in pastel green on the paper covering the adhesive part that says (and I’m not kidding), “Have a Happy Period.” What the fuck! I realize that we are now living in some kind of P.C., touchy-feely, nothing’s taboo, ‘girlfriends rule’ world, but why the hell would anyone in their right mind wish a woman a “happy period.” Some guy must have come up with this, because if a woman marketing exec approached her friends with this idea, they would have slapped her.

Periods are nothing to be happy about. For a week leading up to it, I am bloated so bad that my normally perfect fitting pants cut off circulation to the upper half of my body; no position I sit or lay in is comfortable, I’m so hungry I could eat the furniture, and I want to kill every living thing in site. Relief does come along with Aunt Flow, but it’s messy and gross, and absolutely nothing to be happy about. A note to the Marketing Department at Always: pads are a necessary evil, so just skip the happy period messages, and put them in a convenient location at the grocery store.

Dry Winter Skin – I’ve made an important scientific discovery! The reason why it rains so much in Seattle is because this area sucks all of the moisture from the skin of its inhabitants and drops it from the sky. Everyone in my house is itchy, even the dog. This time of year is brutal. I Carmex the hell out of my lips every night before bed, and it doesn’t help. By mid-morning they look as cracked and brittle as Carmen Electra’s makeup after a 72 hour party binger. No amount of lotion can help my family’s dry skin, and feeling scaly does nothing for the libido. I was always under the belief that those who dwelled by the water had radiant skin, but now I realize that the radiance I saw was just mounds of lavender and sea breeze scented skin cream glistening in those famous Northwest sunbreaks.

Emo Music – Last night I was hard at work designing the invitation for my upcoming gala, and I decided to turn on the television and find some music to keep me company. Since MTV hasn’t played music in about 10 years, I turned to VH-1. All I can say is, “The Horror! The Horror!” I’m not some sort of hardcore punk snob that can’t appreciate emo, I’ve been known to sing along to a Dashboard Confessional song or two, but this latest crop of emo boy bands has got to go.

The Feeling, Panic! At The Disco, Taking Back Sunday, the list seems to go on forever, and none of it has a happy ending. Not only do they all sound the same, they all look the same, too, it’s so weird. The guys in these bands are all skinny dudes with this choppy croppy black hair, wearing black eyeliner, sporting lame ass tattoos that you know they are going to have removed in about five years, and they are all filmed looking like they are about to cry.

I didn’t mind the whole metrosexual craze when it was more of a pop music thing, but when so-called “punk” musicians start sounding like whining pussies, then I have to take a stand. Listen guys, if you want to make music people might actually take seriously, stop shaving your balls, wearing unisex perfume, and caring about who designed your shoes, and get yourself back to reality with some Minor Threat, Black Flag, Circle Jerks, The Misfits, and other real punk bands that you don’t need to have a happy period to listen to.

Weekly Recap 1/7-14: iPhone Hype & Beaconing Beckham

Headline News Recap

Aside from a speech that most political strategists would label as a complete act of idiocy, Resident Bush was on his moron high-horse this week giving the green light to oil drilling in Bristol Bay, Alaska. Bristol Bay happens to be known for its striking beauty as well as home to endangered whales and the largest run of sockeye salmon in the world. According to environmental groups, scientists, and anyone with a brain, the extraction of oil and natural gas will wreak havoc on Bristol Bay’s ecosystem, and endanger vital food supplies, but hey, at least some big oil barons will finally get to own their Las Vegas dream penthouse.

ABC News reporter Amanda Congdon was tasered at a consumer electronics show this week at a booth where people could voluntarily be tasered to see what it feels like. Okay, now that Amanda’s been tasered, can we do those bastards who did that biased 9/11 movie blaming the Clinton Administration for the Towers attack?

In an effort to not look like a bunch of greedy schmucks, the House introduced a bill that would raise the minimum wage from $5.15 per hour to $7.25 per hour over a two-year time period. Basically, by the time the minimum wage increase comes to fruition, there will be another ten-year fight to increase it to something people can actually live on, but never fear, those who represent us will still end up with a sweet six-figure income and benefits for life.

Apple, this week, pretended to stifle hype over its new iPhone. Apple G-d, Steve Jobs says that the iPhone, like its musical counterpart, the iPod, will have us re-thinking the way we use cell phones. In other words, everyone be on alert, because there is a new technology gadget ready to hit the market that our kids will be able to operate better than we will, and it will be far more complicated than the piece of shit we have right now. It will also cost more, and most likely, get worse reception.

The U.S. Embassy in Greece was bombed this week making me think that someone better fund Nia Vardalos’ next film project, and they’d better do it soon.

Rex Farrance, the Senior Editor of PC World magazine was murdered in his San Francisco home on Tuesday night by four masked, armed men. I’m no regular viewer of CSI, but if those men were carrying iPhones, I’d seriously consider questioning Steve Jobs.

The Senate, this week, passed a bill canceling pensions for Congressmen convicted of serious ethics violations such as bribery and conspiracy. How about attaching a term limits clause for those benefits, as well as a performance evaluation. If you do a shitty job, then I don’t have to pay your lifetime healthcare benefit. How ‘bout that!

In Local News

This week’s Recap was delayed due to a severe snowstorm that hit the Seattle area leaving the author trapped in the house for two days with her crazy ass toddler. Due to said entrapment, she was mentally unable to do anything accept wonder why she decided to have kids in the first place. Her life used to be so peaceful, her house used to be so clean, she never used to spend a half hour making pancakes for a demanding kid only to have the kid completely reject the meal once it was on the plate. Why, G-d, why! Where’s that home tube-tying kit when you need it!

Worthless Entertainment News

Every U.S. tabloid magazine staff was on cloud nine this week when it was announced that British football/soccer superstar David Beckham signed with the L.A. Galaxy for five years. Beckham and his Spice Girl wife will be hitting our shores just in time for the mainstream media to ignore all of the positive changes the Democrats are attempting to make, and instead report important things like what color drapes Posh will choose for her mansion’s sitting room.

Madonna weighed in on the “no undies” trend this week saying that she just doesn’t get it. Now you know that Hollywood has become some kind of wretched, skanky cesspool when Madonna frowns on it.

Paula Abdul was caught drinking and interviewing on Seattle’s Q13 Morning News show this week. Hey, cut Paula a break. You’d be drunk at 8:00 AM too if you had to work with that asshole Simon Cowell, listen to all of those pathetic contestants caterwauling miserably, and had to be perky about it. In fact, next time she comes through, I’ll be the first one to pass poor Paula a Long Island Iced Tea, because she needs it.

Quote of the Week

“I want to contribute to the world of ideas.” – Former Senator Rick Santorum on his new job as the Director of the American’s Enemies Program for the Ethics and Public Policy Center, a right-wing Washington D.C. think tank.

If by new ideas, he means branding gays with pink triangles and quashing their rights, while at the same time relegating women to second class citizens, and on top of that, killing foreigners, enforcing extremist Christian law, and making anyone with a creative thought that isn’t, what he considers, moral, illegal and punishable by prison, then I guess Santorum is your idea man.

Dumb As a Box of Rocks

He just doesn’t fucking get it, does he! Just two months after an election that would have brought about anarchy in a less civilized country, and our Resident-in-Thief has stuck to his “stay the course” strategy by coming up with a plan to send 20,000+ more troops to Iraq and give them $1.6 billion of our tax dollars to spend on social programs. This coming from a guy who championed cutting benefits to grandparents in our country (the one he happens to be president of) who are struggling to raise grandchildren.

I never trusted this Iraq thing from the beginning, and no, I’m not one of those people who are saying that now, because the war is unpopular. When Bush & Company stole the election in 2000, my first response was that Saddam Hussein better find himself a villa in the middle of nowhere, because it was only a matter of time before Sonny Boy would seek to beat Daddy’s legacy.

Here we are, four years later, fighting this so-called War on Terror, and giving our fundamentalist enemies in the Middle East more propaganda fodder than they could have ever wished for. This war has been a strategic, financial, moral and philosophical disaster, but our genius at the top keeps hoping that pissing in the river will make it better. Even his loyal, neocon dittoheads are nearly at their wits end trying to stretch those dusty talking points to defend their man.

You think he would have gotten the message when everyone figured out there were no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, but no, he had to stay the course. You think he would have gotten the message when allied nations began pulling troops out like a fat kid reaching into a jar of Skittles, but no, he had to stay the course. Finally, you think he would have gotten the message when the entire country voted to turn power over to the opposing party based on the failure of this war, but no, he is still staying the course.

Herein lays the question: is our President a complete fucking moron, or does he just not give a rat’s ass about what the American people think? If he’s a wailing idiot his behavior has a small chance of being forgiven…someday…in the distant future…long after we’re dead. However, if he just doesn’t give a damn about what the American people, and other branches of government, and the top military generals, and most of the other countries in the world, think, then he is guilty of treason.

He is a public official whose duty it is to serve the will of the people, and the people have made it clear that they are not in favor of dumping any more money and lives into this worthless cause. Anderson Cooper pointed out that the amount of money spent on the Iraq War could have funded 700 new elementary schools in every state (staff and all), or could give every American driver free gas for one year.

It makes me sick to look around at the sorry state of this country’s infrastructure, and realize that we didn’t have the money to help those folks in New Orleans, but we managed to give every Halliburton shareholder a record 2006.

Sadly, Resident Bush’s speech and asinine proposal wasn’t the only fuck up of the week. He greenlighted drilling for oil in Alaska despite long-standing protests from environmental groups, government officials, scientists, and other critics, both in and out of the Republican Party.

At this point I’m wondering if this whole Iraq War is really about spreading democracy, or like the Alaska oil drilling, was it just a great big scheme to make a few people very rich. Most Iraqis say that their lives are far worse now than they were under Saddam, and with the pending civil war, they aren’t very optimistic about the future. In the States, we are now left with debt that our great grandkids will struggle to pay off, and have become every terrorist’s favorite target.

From now on, no more “stay the course” or new plans, and I don’t want to hear another word about how we need to “win”. Nobody is going to win, except for those war profiteers. Bush (most likely under gunpoint) admitted he made mistakes, yet he still doesn’t feel the need to do anything different than before. As a parent, I see this all the time with my toddler, where she says “sorry” and doesn’t mean it, so to the American people I say; it’s time to start treating our President like the toddler that he is, and take away his power. If we can impeach Clinton for a blowjob, then we can surely impeach Bush for starting and continuing to fund an illegal war on taxpayer dollars.

Weekly Recap 12/31-1/6: Crybaby Control Freaks & CNN Incompetence

Headline News Recap
The new Congress went into session this week with Democrats taking the helm for the first time in 12 years. In typical and predictable form, the Republicans turned into a bunch of crybaby pussies claiming that the Dems would go on several witch hunts, begin spending money like it was going out of style, and would completely cut the opposing party out of the political process. Basically, the Republicans were worried the Dems would act just like they have for the past 12 years. A word of warning to the paranoid GOP; time to get your jammies on, because you’re about to lie in the bed you made.

What a shock, Saddam Hussein’s execution video was splashed all over the internet this week. A government report claims that Iraqi forces have arrested one of the witnesses claiming that he took the video illegally with a camera phone. I might have believed our government for two seconds if I hadn’t seen two versions of the execution; one from the shitty camera phone, and another that was very crisp, clear, and taken from an entirely different angle. Nice try Bush & Co., but you so wanted this to come out.

Screw the war against Christmas! New York and California, along with Starbucks, have begun an all out war against trans-fat. The two states and gigantic coffee corporation have banned trans-fat from their restaurants and food products claiming that they want to help in the fight against obesity. Yeah right, they just don’t want to have to be stuck paying high medical premiums when everyone’s heart explodes from eating all those pumpkin muffins, deli sandwiches, and blooming onion pedals.

The first Muslim representative was sworn into Congress by placing his hand on a copy of the Koran once owned by Thomas Jefferson. Conservatives were still up in arms claiming that Rep. Keith Ellison should have been sworn in on a copy of the Holy Bible. To those idiot critics I say, why not a copy of Bill Maher’s New Rules; it is a much better read and would be as meaningful to Rep. Ellison as a copy of the Holy Bible.

CNN got into a bit of hot water when they ran a story that confused Democratic Senator Barack Obama with Murdering Terrorist Osama bin Laden. The network apologized for the mix up, but has yet to apologize for calling themselves a legitimate news network. Freudian slip, my ass!

Renegade capitalism reared its ugly head this week as former Home Depot CEO, Robert Nardelli, got to bail out of his contract two years early with a $210 million golden parachute. This guy screwed his company big time cutting Home Depot’s customer service, while their main competitor Lowe’s profits went up by 181%, and he dances away with millions. Hey Speaker Pelosi, turn Barney Frank loose on this ASAP!

Microsoft God Bill Gates says robots will become part of our daily lives in the near future. Good, maybe I can get one that will actually know why half of my graphics software programs aren’t compatible with Windows 2000.

In Local News
After ten days of sunny Southern California, my family and I got to come back to the Puget Sound, where it is dark, rainy, and 45 degrees. Seattle’s a unique place, but the weather sucks end of story.

Compounding the bad weather blues was the rusted out shitbox of a car that belongs to my neighbor next door, and has been sitting out in front of my house for over six months. Apparently their loser son who is in his mid-20s can’t afford rent, but he has enough scratch for several “project” cars. I’m no psychic, but I just have a feeling that something bad might happen to one of his “projects” in the near future.

Worthless Entertainment News
Demi Moore made the news this week claiming that she and husband, Ashton Kutcher, who is 16 years her junior, are compatible, because Ashton is “really an old soul.” Look, Demi, if you want to bang the paperboy that’s fine with me, but please don’t bore us with justification. He’s young, he’s cute, he can go all night, he might not know what he’s doing, but hey, he’s got stamina. We get it, Honey.

Donald Trump and Rosie O’Donnell have begun waging a war of words with Rosie making fun of The Donald’s hair and Trump pointing out Rosie’s plus-sized figure. The question now is; could this be anymore of a non-story?

Brittney Spears announced on her website that fans should get ready, because she plans on making a big comeback this year. Sorry, Brit-Brit, but you can’t sing, you can barely dance, and other than your trailer trash tabloid personal life, you really don’t have much going for you, but if by comeback, you mean posing for Playboy, then I guess it’s your year.

Quote of the Week
“Actually, that would clean the streets out. It might not be bad.” – CNN Commentator Glenn Beck commenting on how a hurricane on the scale of Katrina hitting New York City might be a positive thing.

This guy is such a fucking blowhard moron it makes me want to cry. If I thought CNN had lost its credibility before, once I saw five minutes of Glenn Beck’s show, I knew the once honorable news channel had completely sold out. I guess the only real way Americans can get honest news is through the internet, because network news is filled with more jokes than most of the new sitcoms.

Movin' On

For someone who doesn’t celebrate Christmas, I tend to have the most interesting Christmas days of anyone I know. Last year, I was in Podunk, Tennessee trying in vain to avoid fried foods and not starve to death. This year I found myself in the passenger’s seat of a U-Haul making a swift getaway at 5:30 AM.

We went to Southern California for the last half of Hanukkah, which we do every year. We arrived on a Thursday night, had the family party on a Friday night, and on Saturday the family met at a pizza place where my brother-in-law announced to his parents, his sister and brother-in-law, and my husband and I that after six years of a torturous marriage, he was finally leaving his wife. The moment the words came out of his mouth, I finally knew the definition of shock and awe, because we never thought he would actually do it.

Jeff’s brother married the most selfish woman one could never hope to meet. She is temperamental, lazy, bi-polar, and has a severe shopping addiction spending thousands of dollars on designer label clothing, while not giving a damn about the fact that someone else is going to have to pay the bill. From the day they were married, she was the family shit-disturber (and not in a good way). She took advantage of various family members, worked at alienating others, and managed to piss everyone off at least once (which is significant given the size of Jeff’s family). My husband had her pegged as a bad egg from the first time he met her, and once she figured out that he didn’t like her, she did her best to trash Jeff and his brother’s relationship. Basically, she had it coming.

Now most reasonable people would be able to speak their peace, pack their clothes, and leave without issue, but given this woman’s history of erratic spurts of violence and her untreated bi-polar condition, Jeff’s brother wasn’t taking anything for granted. He first attempted to enlist Jeff’s help, but due to Jeff’s “ferret on crack” personality, his aversion to listening, and his tendency to interrupt, I stepped in to coordinate. Since this is what I do for a living, and I can work well under extreme pressure and deadlines, I was a natural fit.

On Christmas Eve, we rented a U-Haul, bought some empty boxes, and connected with a few of Jeff’s brother’s friends and a very happy uncle. Jeff and I would stay at a hotel on Christmas night, and when his brother’s wife left to take her mother to the airport at around 4:15 AM, we would pull up with the U-Haul and get him moved.

The only really, really awkward hurdle came on Christmas Day when we all had to go to a party at their house. There we were eating brunch and wearing poker faces feeling super weird about the whole experience. I found myself helping in the kitchen while casing the joint at the same time. Lest you think I’m one cold-hearted bitch, the last few days leading up to my wedding, I had everything under control, and my biggest worry was wondering what kind of shit she would try to pull.

We proceeded with the plan, arriving at the hotel with the U-Haul, and not getting much sleep. At 4:00 AM, we headed out to a grocery store parking lot were the entire moving party was waiting for the call. Finally, Jeff sent his uncle and the rest of the guys over to his brother’s street in stakeout style to wait for the wife to leave. She left late, but we sprung into action clearing his home office, a few pieces of furniture he inherited from his grandmother, some DVDs, and his clothing. What a workout!

In just slightly over an hour, we loaded a 10’ truck with 25 boxes of stuff, and headed out to grab some eggs before putting all the stuff in storage. The first few phone messages were sweet. She wasn’t mad, and wanted to talk, but it took less than two hours before she made the Wicked Witch of the West look like a kindly school librarian.

After two hours loading the storage unit, we all went back to my mother-in-law’s house, took showers, got dressed, re-vamped our energy a little, and ended our Christmas Day/Day After Christmas adventure in the most Jewish way possible; taking several laps around the buffet at a Chinese restaurant. All I can do at this point is support my dear brother-in-law through what is sure to be a vicious divorce, and wonder what next Christmas will be like.

Shit Reduction

Every year I stupidly make the same promise to myself; when I go to my in-laws I will work out every morning before we get going on the daily relative visit, and barring the big Hanukkah party, I will eat healthy. After five years you’d think I would have given up this fantastic lie, but there I was at 1:00 AM the night before we were to take off for Southern California trying to stuff my tennis shoes and Denise Austin DVD into an extremely packed suitcase.

I’ve been here for three and a half days, and to my credit I did work out with perky Denise once, but everything I’ve consumed thus far has been pure, fat-ridden, sugar-coated shit. From the gravy-drenched beef brisket to the thick, yummy pumpkin cheesecake from Costco; it’s been like a ‘no holds barred’ eating extravaganza since Friday afternoon. Normally, I’m the picture of someone who really watches what I consume. I buy organic products, hormone-free chicken and fish, I rarely eat beef, and I digest the government recommended daily dose of whole grains, and can’t conceive a world without veggies.

I don’t fault being at my in-laws, because we usually make it down to visit them a few times a year. We were here in June, and I didn’t eat like this, so as I’m helping myself to another slice of rum bunt cake I had to blame this shit feast on something. Everyone always says the holidays are about more than the presents, and they are right; the holidays are about stuffing yourself mercilessly with full knowledge that you are completely off the hook until that magical first day of January, when you can do a thorough shit detox and tell yourself that after 365 days of perfect nutritional behavior, next year’s holidays will be different (which they never are).

You start the shit reduction with such faith, as most do. You make a plan somewhere around December 28th as you are finishing the last of the chocolate desserts vowing to clean out the fridge, cabinets and pantry in preparation for the big New Year’s shit reduction. You dust off that copy of the Cooking Light Award Winning Recipes cookbook deciding to make this experience an adventure, and as you polish off the holiday Jell-O mold you form a shopping list of ingredients, which you promise to fill on the first post-New Year’s Day the grocery store is open.

By the time New Year’s Eve rolls around, nearly two weeks of eating the shit offered on the tables at every holiday party you attended, the vast amount of shit piling the dining room buffets of all of your relatives, and your own home filled with shit you would never even think to bring home at any other time of the year (can you say marshmallow peep-style Christmas trees), all of it has built up inside your intestines forcing your stomach into an unsightly bulge. However, this shit reduction is not about vanity, it’s about health. Yeah right, and you didn’t wake up with turkey leftovers on your mind.

It’s currently Christmas Eve, and there is exactly seven days until the shit reduction officially begins. I will try in vain to get a couple of more Denise sessions in, and will try even harder to keep my hands out of the huge vat of M&Ms my mother-in-law keeps in the family room, but I’ve decided to stop lying to myself.

Perhaps it’s time to be an adult about this whole holiday shit eating orgy and just admit that any attempt to stay remotely healthy during the time of year, when the alcohol and gravy flows like a waterfall, is unrealistic. Maybe I should just try to be reasonable about this time of the year, do what I can, and get back to normal in January, just like everyone else. Perhaps an outlook of moderation will prevent me from gorging on shit, and help me turn over a new leaf.

Never mind, they’re having Irish coffees and cheesecake in the other room, so here’s to the January 1st shit reduction, until then, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and enjoy the food!

Weekly Recap 12/17-23: Marijuana Moolah & Pentagon Pretenses

Headline News Recap

Former Congressman and avid anti-choicer, Bob Barr, has become a Libertarian claiming that the Republican behaviors in regards to spending and privacy have left him disillusioned with the party. Americans can rest assured that although Barr is no longer a committed Republican, he is still a committed asshole, and will continue to be for years to come.

Move over alfalfa, America’s biggest cash crop is now marijuana. A study released this week reveals that the market value of pot produced in the U.S. exceeds $35 billion. California was responsible for the bulk of the pot grown in the U.S. Sorry New York, I know you tried to corner the pot market with the whole Woodstock thing, but Cali beat you to it with the Grateful Dead, Haight/Ashbury, and Timothy Leary.

Magazine editors are now making models fatter with PhotoShop claiming that some models will come in for a shoot that was booked months prior and be five or ten pounds thinner than expected. You know, most graphic artists at those glamour magazines probably make a minimum of $30 an hour, and a decent cheeseburger is only $5 or $6, call me crazy, but I think I’ve just discovered a way to cut the expenses.

A study found that nine out of ten Americans have premarital sex including people born in the 1940s. This challenges the notion that decades prior were more chaste as well as the idea that people are willing to buy something before taking it for a test drive.

The Pentagon says it is considering a military build up against Iran leading many Americans to ask, “With what? G.I. Joe action figures! Who the fuck is running this? Oh yeah, that guy.”

In more Pentagon news, they have asked for an additional $99.7 billion for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, which if approved, will bring war spending to over $170 billion for this year. Yet military wives and mothers at Fort Lewis in Washington were holding a pancake feed and bake sale to raise money for body armor for their husbands and sons. Someone is raking in our cash, big time, and the only proper response to the Pentagon’s latest request is to ask them to wish in one hand, shit in the other, and see which one gets full first.

A female komodo dragon at the London zoo is expecting eight baby dragons despite having never been exposed to male dragons. First, Murphy Brown, now the komodo dragons; when they say ‘sisters are doing it for themselves’ I guess they really mean it.

In Local News

There was no news this week, because nearly a million people were left in the dark without power. Puget Sound Energy and Seattle City Light responded at a brisk molasses pace to fix the damage caused by Thursday night’s storm, and managed to get areas such as Downtown Seattle, Mercer Island, Medina, and other more affluent neighborhoods up and going within no time. The rest of us middle class bastards had to wait it out later in the week, and a few folks in the sticks are still hoping for illumination. The lesson all of us Puget Sounders can take away from this experience is that in the event of a national disaster or huge earthquake, we are completely fucked (unless you happen to live in Medina).

Worthless Entertainment News

The reigning Miss USA, Tara Conner, will not lose her crown despite allegations of drug use and sexual misconduct. Donald Trump, owner of the Miss USA pageant and a big fan of young, loose blondes, announced that he was concerned with Tara’s well being and will make sure she is checked into rehab, besides the bimbo has given the Miss USA pageant more publicity in the past week than its had in the past ten years, so champagne all around…except for you, Tara.

Controversial Rapper, Eminem became legally divorced from his wife, Kim, for a second time this week after an eight-month court battle that followed the three-month second marriage. Hey Em, perhaps when you write a song about murdering your ex-wife, tear up a blowup doll of her onstage every night during a tour, and have a tattoo on your arm that says “Rot in Pieces”, you may want to re-think the whole “second time’s a charm” scenario. Just a thought.

First Calista Flockhart hooks up with Harrison Ford, then Ana Carolina Reston dies of anorexia, now Lara Flynn Boyle is off the market with her marriage to her boyfriend of eight months, Donald Ray Thomas. Never fear, all you guys into boney chicks, I think I saw some leftover, plastic skeletons from the Halloween sale in the clearance bin at Big Lots. Best of all, they will have the same personality as the real thing.

Quote of the Week

“The message of the fall election was clear: Americans want us to work together to make progress for our country.” – Resident Bush addressing the issue of raising the minimum wage.

The good news was that he was all in favor of a minimum wage increase. The bad news is that he plans to load the bill up with an assload of tax breaks and regulatory relief measures for businesses. He may say he wants to work together, but in the end, our Resident-in-Chief serves one master, and that is the god of big business and moneyed special interests. As a scholar of media, avid reader of social criticisms, and an enterprising commentator on social democracy, I will sum of this “Quote of the Week” with an appropriate quote from Mr. Mole in the Shelly Duvall version of Thumbelina, “you call that progress?”

A Quiet Storm?

It could have been the plot to a decadent romance novel or the kind of slickly produced, near-porn movie you see on Cinemax. Jeff and I showered by candlelight on Friday morning then spent three nights together in a hotel room. Unfortunately, the backdrop of this scenario was the worst windstorm to hit the Pacific Northwest in a dozen years, there ends the sexy element.

Thursday night at 8:45 PM, we lost power. No big whoop, I thought. We went to bed early, and had a restless night as wind gusts got up to 90 miles per hour, and at times sounded like it was tearing the siding off the house. Friday morning, we decided to forego the call to the power company assuming that they would be on top of everything. To make sure we had enough hot water, we got in the shower together, which is one of those things that always sounds way better than it actually is. No matter how coordinated you are, someone always ends up freezing their naked, wet ass off while the other party hogs the water.

I put all of my makeup and hair styling products into a bag, and left for work with the confidence that as a resident of the richest, most resourceful country in the world, my power would be restored by the time I got home that night. It’s Monday, and there is still no power at my house. Best of all, the power company is telling me that it could be Thursday before the lights go back on at my house. The coldest week of the year, on the heels of paying a $300 power bill, and I have no fucking power!

I knew the country’s infrastructure had fallen to shit after the whole Hurricane Katrina situation, but I didn’t have a clue that this was nationwide until Friday night after work when it took me two hours to go the four miles from my house to the hotel, because no one was out directing traffic, and there were no emergency generators to power traffic lights.

Friday night, people were mainly trying to get to the store to buy batteries, fireplace logs, and other urban camping supplies. They were also scrambling to find a place to have dinner since no one wanted to open their refrigerators, because most food can keep for at least 24 hours if you don’t open the fridge. We cleaned our fridge and freezer out on Sunday. Thankfully, I had procrastinated going grocery shopping, which saved me the stress of having to trash at least $100 worth of new food.

For the past three days, we have eaten at restaurants and stayed at a local Hampton Inn. Not a bad place to stay, but I have to say that being in a small room with an energetic three-year-old is a bit of fresh hell I never expected to experience. When Jews die there is a belief that we go to a place kind of like Catholic purgatory (where do you think they got the idea in the first place) to make up for the bad things we’ve done, so that we may enjoy the afterlife as a pure soul. I would have to make the argument that spending 72 hours in a room with my toddler has to, at least, shave my time down to about half.

We are leaving for Southern California on Thursday night to spend the remainder of the year with Jeff’s family. I can only pray that we have power by then. If not, I told Jeff that we would set the house up as if we did have power, and go have a nice vacation in warm and sunny California. As for the rest of the week, we managed to get our gas fireplace going on Saturday, and by tonight the house should be at a cozy 63 degrees, so we will be sleeping on the floor in front of the fireplace hoping that at 2:00 in the morning the glaring lights from the kitchen will wake us up. Until then, I’m calling my house every hour to see if the answering machine turns on, and planning for several chilly nights.

It’s a shame that all of the country’s resources have been squandered elsewhere, and when a disaster hits; we are unable to deal with it in a timely manner. I don’t live out in the sticks; in fact, the people who live two miles away from my house have power. I’m just beginning to wonder how long our politicians will let the infrastructure of this country go before they recognize that there is a big problem. How much disaster will we have to see before we start investing in updating our emergency services? How much Iraq money would it actually take to get us up to date? How long will I have to impose on friends in order to get my family’s laundry done? When will we as a people wake up and realize that deregulating public services and letting corporations take over may be the capitalist dream, but in the end, just leaves us frustrated in a cold house with a toddler who won’t keep her jacket on?

Weekly Recap 12/10-16: The Madness of King George & Fascist Good-byes

Headline News Recap
Washington D.C. is in a bit of an uproar as Senator Tim Johnson of South Dakota underwent surgery for bleeding in the brain caused by a genetic malformation. If Johnson is unable to serve, by law, the governor of South Dakota (the state that tried to pass the strictest anti-abortion/woman be damned legislation) gets to appoint the replacement. Even though Johnson is a Democrat, Governor Michael Rounds is a Republican, and would likely appoint a Republican, because in the world of the GOP, it’s not about serving the people, it’s about retaining power. In the event that a Republican is appointed, the GOP would re-gain control of the Senate, and their reign of terror will continue through 2008.

Now for the good news, former fascist Chilean dictator Augusto Pinochet died this week at the age of 91, which further enhances my theory that assholes live forever. Pinochet ousted the democratically elected leader through a military coup in 1973, and took over. During his reign, 3,000 oppositionists were murdered or disappeared, and it is estimated 20,000 people of all ages were tortured. It was argued that Pinochet should have had a state funeral, because while he led Chile, they had amazing economic prosperity and growth. Unfortunately, trading the blood of innocent people for personal wealth isn’t a good thing, so the honorable funeral was out. All I have to say is “rot in hell you fascist bastard, the world is better off without you.”

On the topic of crazy leaders with way too much power, Resident Bush is sending out a warning that Americans must be worried about space terrorism, contending that enemy nations might develop technology to shoot down our satellites or attack NASA. You know, the secret sadistic side of me is almost happy that Bush has another two years in office, because it will be interesting to see just how crazy and fucked up his statements will get. If he didn’t have access to nuclear weapons, I would almost be in favor of giving him his own reality TV show. We could call it “The Madness of King George.”

King George’s disciples were at it this week claiming that soy products lead to homosexuality. They claim that an excess of soy-based products will introduce too much estrogen into the system, and in males, will cause feminizing and homosexuality. As a mama with a lactose intolerant child who has been on soy since birth, all I have to say is, we can call their reality show, “Crazy Eights”, and it can come on following “The Madness of King George.”

Inappropriate behavior (i.e. getting drunk in public) may lead to Tara Conner’s dethroning as Miss USA. In this day and age, with rampant partying by 21-year-olds and the increasing popularity of alcohol advertising, the one thing we should be asking as a society is, “why the hell do we still have beauty pageants”!

Several clergy members have backed a movement called WakeUpWalMart.com, which calls into question Wal-Mart’s treatment of their workers, by asking, “Would Jesus shop at Wal-Mart?” I can answer that one! No, Jesus was a hippy, so he would probably be at PCC and random farmer’s markets for food. For clothes, he would, most likely hit those specialty shops in the University District or take up knitting, and for jewelry, he would look for those dreadlocked, smelly kids at the String Cheese Incident show selling bracelets made out of hemp.

In Local News
Seattle proudly led the battle in the War on Christmas this week causing a national uproar and giving Bill O’Reilly a huge boner. One of the consultants for Sea-Tac International Airport asked the Port of Seattle if they wouldn’t mind placing a menorah next to the big Christmas tree. It seemed like a simple request, but The Port’s intricate process of red tape led to a “no”, “yes”, “no”, “we’re not sure”, “okay, maybe, but not now”, “can I call you back later”, “hey, what happened to my cheese fries” answer. Chabad, a worldwide, ultra-orthodox Jewish group, got involved and all hell broke loose. There were threats back and forth. The Port reacted the only way they knew how, which was badly. The Christmas trees were removed, then put back two days later, and the whole thing was a big bullshit ordeal that kept everyone distracted from a much more serious war. Way to go media!

Worthless Entertainment News
Angelina Jolie said that she never intended to break up the marriage between Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston. I guess someone forgot to tell her that when you fuck another woman’s husband, it makes tends to make their monthly ‘husband and wife date night’ a bit tense.

Nicole Ritchie was busted this week for driving under the influence, and went on record claiming that Vicodin she took to relieve cramps caused her inebriated state. This has inspired me to go on record to claim that those mushrooms I ate at that music festival I attended during college was a snack to relieve hunger.

Disney is quietly campaigning for an Oscar bid for Mel Gibson by trying to convince Academy members that he’s not as bad as Roman Polanski or Woody Allen, because they had inappropriate sex and all Mel did was spew anti-Semitic and sexist statements after getting busted for drunk driving. Under the same logic, O.J. Simpson should be allowed his moment to shine on Fox, because he’s not as bad as Ted Bundy or Gary Ridgeway. Juice only killed two people in just one night, and those other guys killed a lot of people over time.

Quote of the Week
“It seems like they’re afraid of science.” – Marine Biologist Jim Estes commenting on new, more stringent regulations and controls put on scientists by the Bush administration.

Jim, it’s not just science. They are also afraid of truth, democracy, policy that obstructs oil industry profits, policy that reduces the amount of corporate lobbyist money given to politicians, freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the ability to choose your own destiny. What they should be afraid of is what might happen to them when it finally hits people that over 3,000 young American men and women were sent to die for a lie, and that our Earth is being destroyed, so that Bush and his cronies can buy another multi-million dollar yacht. The 5th of November anyone?

Power Struggles

I never thought parenthood would be easy. Even those asinine parenting advice books that lied about so many things told the truth about the daunting responsibility of parenting a developing human. I did, however, believe that power struggles, arguments, and head-butting was something I wouldn’t have to deal with until Miss Rachael became a terrible teenager.

The Situation: Rachael leaves her toys in every room. There are little plastic things everywhere, and when we ask her to clean, she refuses.
The Breaking Point: I’m getting out of bed at night trying to make my way to the bathroom with one eye open in an attempt not to completely wake up. All of the sudden I feel a pain shoot straight up through my foot. Diego, Dora’s cousin, was dressed in his Dora Magic Castle attire, and lying in wait for my innocent foot to fall on him. Step, step, step, OUCH!
My Response: “Rachael, clean up your toys or Mommy is going to throw them away.”
Her Rebuttal: “Mommy, I want to help throw them away.” She takes the plastic garbage bag and begins loading up the toys on the ground; the very ones that she refused only yesterday to put into the wicker toy basket.
The Finale: The bag of toys is still in the garage. She hasn’t asked about them, so Jeff and I are looking at a different approach for getting her to pick things up. Score one for the kid, for now.

The Situation: Rachael doesn’t want to eat her dinner. I’m a great cook, but instead of enjoying her meal, she will take a few bites and run around the living room.
The Breaking Point: She only weighs 28 lbs. and I’m a Jewish mother. The girl has to start eating, that’s all there is to it.
My Response: I begin fixing the kind of cuisine she appreciates; hot dogs, peanut butter and jelly, macaroni and cheese, and whatever happens to be on our plates.
Her Rebuttal: She goes from just eating three bites and running around the living room to eating about five or six bites then running around the living room.
The Finale: Maybe I shouldn’t push. I’ve struggled with weight, and she’ll eat if she’s hungry, so I guess it’s no harm, no foul, right? No score here, it’s a draw.

The Situation: We are in the car and the new Red Hot Chili Pepper’s song, “Snow” comes on.
The Breaking Point: Rachael starts going nuts screaming, “Mommy, Mommy, they singing a song about Diego!”
My Response: “No Honey, they are saying ‘hey oh’, not ‘Diego’.”
Her Rebuttal: “No Mommy, they saying ‘Diego, Diego.’.” Then she begins singing along, and every time Anthony sings ‘hey oh’, Rachael sings along with him with a soulful, ‘Diego.’
The Finale: I just sit in the driver’s seat laughing my ass off. It’s so damn cute. Score one for the Chili Peppers.

The Situation: Rachael wants to choose her own clothing. I’ve presented two options she can choose from, but as time goes on, she wants to choose her own outfit.
The Breaking Point: She walks into the kitchen ready for school wearing her JoJo’s Circus pajama top, purple pants she retrieved from the laundry hamper, pink socks, and her white sandals on the wrong feet.
My Response: “Honey, let’s go upstairs and get something different for you to wear. You can’t wear pajamas to school, your pants are from the dirty laundry, and we don’t wear dirty laundry, and your shoes are nice, but it’s too rainy and cold to wear sandals.”
Her Rebuttal: “No Mommy! This is what I’m wearing!” She then proceeds to stand with her arms crossed and giving me one of those ‘if looks could kill’ faces.
The Finale: I march her raggedy looking ass upstairs, because I’m not one of those perfectionist mommies, but I’m not letting my kid go out looking like a miniature rodeo clown. Score one for good style.

The Situation: Rachael has become quite the music connoisseur. When we are in the car, she will think nothing of telling me to turn the radio station if she does or doesn’t like the song.
The Breaking Point: I flip to the hard rock station. Rachael yells for me to stop, and asks me who is on the radio.
My Response: “It’s a band called Metallica, Sweetie, and the song is called, “Through the Never.” Do you really want to listen to this?
Her Rebuttal: “Yes, Mommy, I really, really like it.”
The Finale: No arguments here. I just drive on with a smile knowing that no matter what comes up in our lives, and how much we butt heads, there will always be a common element we can agree on somewhere along the lines, and thank G-d it’s good music. Score one for Mommy!

Weekly Recap 12/3-9: Crazy Catnip & Irreconcilable Iraq

Headline News Recap
The Iraq Study Group (i.e. James Baker and other friends of Resident Bush the First) came out with a report that said Iraq was in a downward spiral, and that the cute Resident Bush Jr. catch phrase, ‘stay the course’ was no longer an option. Next week the Study Group is anticipated to release another report confirming that the sky is, indeed, blue, and that Michael Jackson might not be a good choice if you’re looking for a babysitter. By the way, how much is this study group getting paid?

Heroin, cocaine, amphetamines; be damned! This week an anti-drug group went after the real gateway hazard: catnip. Anti-drug organizations are petitioning to have the active ingredient in catnip, nepetalactone, banned, because they claim that when kids see Fluffy getting all happy, it might make them want to use drugs, too. Some people have way too much fucking time on their hands.

Wal-Mart decided to show its heart by creating an initiative to help management get more in touch with their workers. As a “thank you” to employees, store managers will meet with ten, rank and file workers each day, and offer them an additional 10% off merchandise on top of their normal 10% employee discount. Yep, that should make up for the forced overtime, lack of healthcare benefits, low pay, aggressive union busting, and wage caps.

If you suspected that Taco Bell food might not be all that good for you, then you are ahead of the game. 22 people wound up sick after an E. coli outbreak in New Jersey was linked to the green onions in certain Taco Bell items. Perhaps their new marketing slogan should read, “Yo quiero Pepto Bismol y antibiotics.”

Mary Cheney, the lesbian daughter of Vice Resident Dick Cheney, and his right-wing lunatic wife, Lynne, is expecting a child with her longtime partner, Heather Poe. Unfortunately, due to policies advocated by both of her parents, Mary’s partner of 15 years will have no parental rights to the new little Cheney. And you thought the mood around your family’s holiday table was tense!

This morning (Friday), in an effort to thoroughly fuck the general, tax paying public, again, Congress tried to vote itself a pay raise on the last day before it adjourns for the end of the year. Members of Congress are paid $168,500, and they want a $3,300 cost-of-living increase. Most American families with two parents working don’t make anything close to $168,000 per year. Add in the money these bastards get on a regular basis from lobbyists, and you’ve figured out a new way to retire as a millionaire in this renegade capitalist system they call a democracy. Democrats said they would try to block this, but we’ll see what happens.

In Local News
Yours truly made an appearance on KOMO-TV News on Thursday night in a follow up story about a woman who has been stealing from houses for sale. This bitch made her way into my old house 2 ½ years ago and stole my wedding ring. It was an heirloom piece of jewelry that was originally given to Jeff’s mom by his dad (who was deceased in a tragic accident) when they got married. Apparently the bitch is still at it, ripping off people in the Kent and Renton areas who have tri-level homes on the market for sale. I spoke to the reporter outside in the freezing cold for 20 minutes, and a whole 30 seconds of the interview made it on tape. I was also filmed on a very bad angle, so if you are bored and want to look it up in the KOMO archives, just keep in mind that I don’t normally look that windblown, shivering, and pale. Okay, maybe I’m pale, but not windblown and shivering.

Worthless Entertainment News
Courtney Love claims that six years ago, Prince Andrew, The Duke of York, himself came to her house in the wee hours of the morning wanting to party and looking for chicks. Courtney, Sweetie, it wasn’t Prince Andrew, it was the mailman, and he wasn’t looking for chicks, he was probably bringing you court papers. Perhaps it’s time for another visit to that nice rehab hospital. I hear they have some mighty tasty pudding.

During the Kennedy Center Honors, Jessica Simpson was paying tribute to Honoree Dolly Parton, and ended up butchering the song, “Nine to Five” and leaving the stage in tears. Sorry for the bad experience, Jess, but you, along with Brittney Spears, and Hef’s girlfriend, Kendra, might be beautiful, but you are all dumb as a box of rocks, so just figure out a way to save your money and invest it well, that way, when your looks are gone you won’t have to resort to desperate measures like screwing up my pancake order at IHOP while forgetting to refill my coffee.

Quote of the Week
“The richest 2% of adults in the world own more than half of global household wealth.” – according to a recent study by the World Institute for Development Economics Research entitled, “The World Distribution of Household Wealth”.

Basically the study states that the U.S., Japan, U.K., and several, modernized European countries are at the top of the ladder, while African nations are at the bottom. They claim that the disparities are due less to the fact that the wealthy have a lot of wealth, and more that the poorest nations have very corrupt governments that keep their people in poverty. It is true that many African nations have been devastated due to tribal wars, political corruption, and a lack of industry, but what about the fact that in my country, blonde heiresses who do nothing buy $30,000 pairs of diamond earrings for their dogs and are praised in the media for it, while working families struggle to figure out ways to make ends meet.

My stepdad used to tell me that capitalism was a good thing, but the renegade system we are living under in this country is not my father’s capitalism. 2% should not own half of the world’s wealth, that’s all there is to it.

Separation Anxiety

Neocons, evangelicals, and fearmongers all over the United States are having a collective shit over recently elected Representative Keith Ellison’s swearing-in ceremony. Rep. Ellison is a Muslim, and asked to be sworn in using a Koran rather than the standard King James-version of the Holy Bible.

I’m not quite sure what the fuss is all about. First off, why would a non-Christian want to swear on a Christian document? It would be like swearing allegiance by placing your hand on a copy of George Orwell’s 1984, which some might argue may be slightly more relevant these days given the post-9/11 paranoia. Secondly, in a country in which the separation of church and state is written clearly into the Constitution, why should a member of the government have to swear on a holy book at all?

Over the past six years, neocons, Christian activists, and ideologues have worked their collective butts off to interject as much religion into politics as humanly possible. In 2004, a vote for George was a vote for Jesus, despite my inkling that if Jesus were alive today, he would want nothing to do with this president or any of his cronies. Fast-forward to now and Rep. Ellison’s swearing in, and here’s the deal: when you invite religion into government, that doesn’t mean you get to choose which religion comes in.

There are 1.2 billion Muslims in the world, and a portion of that population resides in the United States, under the basic law of averages, you have to figure they are going to have at least one representative in the national government. I’m sure there was at least one Jewish representative that asked for a copy of the Torah at their swearing in ceremony. I’ll even be so bold as to predict that with the large Indian population accumulating in the U.S. that within the next ten years, we will have a Hindu representative as well who just might asked to be sworn in on a copy of the Bhagavad-Gita.

Let’s cut through the bullshit, this whole uproar isn’t about the book that Rep. Ellison wanted to put his hand on; it’s the fact that he’s a Muslim. There is such a fear of Islam right now in this country that the very idea of a moderate Muslim, let alone one who has pledged his allegiance to the United States, is incomprehensible to the general public.

Herein lies the reason why religion and politics should never mix. If the citizenry of this country is afraid of an Islamic fundamentalist takeover then they should be voting for candidates who want nothing to do with religion in politics. The moment a candidate says he votes in line with his religion on any subject he should be kicked out on his ass quicker than Courtney Love at a Seattle house party.

Does this mean abandoning good morals and values? Not at all. However, the morals and values that our political system should be involved in (i.e. murder, theft, caring for the poor, etc.) are pretty universal across all forms of faiths. Even Satanists would agree that providing health care for a mentally retarded person or dismantling a meth lab is a good idea.

Aside from separation of church and state, our Constitution was designed to provide “liberty and justice for all.” This doesn’t mean liberty and justice for Christians, only. It means accommodating peoples of all nations, backgrounds, and beliefs.

We live in a Christian nation, and as a non-Christian, much like the bulk of non-Christians, I realize that and I have absolutely no problem with it. However, when one faith wants to create a theocracy in a democracy, they should proceed with caution, because they may find out that when the majority rules, it might not be the majority they had in mind.

Weekly Recap 11/26-12/1: Spy vs. Spy & Scary Snowstorms

Headline News Recap
Taking the lead from Mad magazine, all of the major media outlets seemed to be focused on the mysterious poisoning death of former Russian spy, Alexander Litvinenko. The plot thickened this week as several people who met with Litvinenko, prior to his death, fell ill with radiation poisoning, and one of who has died from the effects. Has anyone bothered to check Putin’s ass for a heart tattoo featuring the face of the original Big Brother with an insignia underneath that reads, “Vlad & Joseph Forever?” Just curious.

Organizers of a Christmas festival in Chicago have banned promos of the new movie, The Nativity Story, because they say it might offend non-Christians. As a non-Christian, let me say that I find the annoying music far more offensive than a movie preview where Joseph and Mary actually look like Jews, unlike some previous renditions of the story where the Jesus baby is blonde-haired and blue-eyed.

Resident Bush is now campaigning to raise a whopping $500 million for his presidential library. Okay, George, I want you to crap in one hand, wish in the other, and tell me which one gets full first. Besides, are there really that many remedial-level books currently in print to fill a $500 million library?

Neocon blowhard and 2008 presidential candidate Newt Gingrich said that the country will be forced to examine freedom of speech to meet the growing threat of terrorism. I’m sure the first item of speech he would choose to eliminate would be people snickering while exclaiming, “yeah right” when they are told Gingrich is actually running for president.

As if creative birth control wasn’t getting weird enough, German sex educators are developing a spray-on condom that they hope to have on the market by 2008. It involves the male inserting his member into a special can that would give a full 360-degree latex coating. Sounds interesting, but they are going to have a bitch of a time trying to find test subjects.

In Local News
The biggest snowstorm since 1996 hit my area of the world this week. On Wednesday, I was trapped in the house all day with my crazy, nearly 3-year-old. We made cookies, did crafts, and argued over taking a nap. Most fun, however, by the end of the day I was empathizing with Shelly Duvall’s character from The Shining just a bit.

Nick Lachey, formerly Mr. Jessica Simpson, is now batting for Seattle Mariners’ farm team the Tacoma Rainiers. Apparently, Lachey has recently become part owner of the Rainiers, and has decided to be more involved in the team to raise awareness of Rainiers baseball. Good luck, Nick. Do your damnedest, because the Rainiers always donate tickets to my auction events, and maybe your involvement will actually make those things sell for more than $20 on the silent auction table.

Worthless Entertainment News
Pam Anderson and Kid Rock are getting divorced after a daunting three-month marriage. Apparently Kid launched into a tirade calling Pam a slut for her role in the movie Borat. My question is, so when is the sex video coming out?

Lindsay Lohan is apparently going to AA meetings, which is contrary to her repeated denials of not having an alcohol problem, but let’s face it, we all say the stupidest things when we're drunk.

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals recently voted Nicole Ritchie the worst dressed celeb for constantly wearing fur in public. Nicole might take that as offensive if it hadn’t come from an organization that once compared Jewish intellectuals murdered during the Holocaust to chickens.

Quote of the Week
“I don’t want to have to deal with global warming, to tell you the truth.” – Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia. That’s right, Justice Scalia would rather deal with more important issues such as flag burning, re-affirming that women should be barefoot and pregnant instead of taking jobs away from men, legislation that enables corporations to do whatever the hell they want, and deciding the outcome of a presidential election regardless of the popular vote.