I feel genuinely sorry for Donatella Versace. As a mother, I can’t imagine what it would be like watching my 20-year-old daughter starve herself to death (and G-d willing I should never have to). Right now Donatella’s daughter, Allegra, is in a treatment facility and being fed through a nose tube. Doctors are worried that her longtime battle with anorexia has left her vital organs susceptible to shut down at any minute.
It is a tragic story. However, it also happens to be one of the most ironic circumstances I have seen to date. The Versace Empire was built in an industry that has continued, without conscious, to champion sickly thin women. In fact, they have recently given the greenlight to begin including Size 00 into fashions for those women who are so skinny that a Size 0 is baggy (i.e. Allegra and her gaunt peers).
When London and Madrid drew a line in the sand telling promoters of the cities’ fashion weeks that unless catwalk models had a normal range Body Mass Index they would pull financial support and cooperation, they were criticized. Fashion industry gurus claimed that the mayors of both cities were exercising censorship, and that it was up to the industry itself to be its own fashion police, because that seems to have worked so well up until now…NOT!
The sick, sad situation that is the current fate of Allegra is the same story we have witnessed over and over again in nearly every Western world community; young girls very influenced by the media’s perception of beauty trying to achieve an unrealistic physical ideal at all costs. This is what the London and Madrid mayors and city governments realized and that was the main motivation for the BMI restriction. Mothers in the U.K. and Spain stood up and said, collectively, ‘I’m tired of my daughter feeling like garbage, because she can’t be a Size 0, and I’m not going to let my tax dollars support this negative influence anymore.’ Hats off to those parents!
My sincerest hope is that Allegra’s treatment will yield positive results. I hope those counselors can find a way to tear down her negative self-image and build within her a new sense of confidence, because if they don’t succeed, she is going to die. With that said, as a mother of a girl who is still too young to understand the “be skinny or you’re worthless” messages, what I want to know is what the fashion industry plans to do from here.
One of your own is losing her little girl to the images that you have forced upon popular culture for years. In 2006, two young models in their early 20s dropped dead from anorexia. How many more human, and tragically female, skeletons have to spill blood before you come back to reality and begin featuring healthy models in your ads and on your catwalks? How many more young girls have to enter treatment before you quit making sizes that most women don’t fit in to? And by the way, here’s a little bit of help for you, the average female in the U.S. is a Size 12, not a 2 or a 4, not even a 6, but a decent Size 12.
By the end of the summer this Versace story will end either with Allegra getting better and returning to some semblance of a normal life, or sadly, with the same fate as befell her uncle in an untimely death. My hope is that Allegra will not only get through this, but she will emerge as an advocate for a return to reason in the fashion industry. It would be great to see her on television chastising designers who continue to use hyper thin models to sell their wares and railing against stores that choose to carry the new Size 00. I would love to see Allegra become a healthy, normal sized role model for what a 20-something woman should be by standing up for a cause, getting her education, and maybe, just maybe, designing a line under the Versace label where the sizing starts at a 4 and goes all the way up to an 18.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
The Jesus Conundrum
I was tuned into “Artist Confidential” on my XM radio listening to Art Garfunkel talk about his work with Paul Simon when I started thinking about Jesus. Since my mom was a hippie, I grew up listening to a lot of folk music. Simon & Garfunkel were 8-track staples at our house, and despite the fact that they were two Jewish guys from New England, they wrote many a tune about Jesus.
Back in the 1970s Jesus was a hippie icon. He was the longhaired dude who welcomed into his fold people of socially unacceptable backgrounds. Jesus talked non-stop about peace and non-violence despite his own terrible death. I remember the day my mother got the “Jesus Christ Superstar” soundtrack as a birthday gift from one of her friends, she played it ad nauseam for the next two weeks. Mom also took us to see a college production of “Godspell”. In the 1970s, Jesus was the man: a healer, a listener, and an amazingly compassionate person, G-d minus the gloom, judgment, and ego, if you will.
I’m not a Christian and I was raised in an agnostic household, so what perplexed me as I listened to Art tell his musical story was, how did Jesus go from being the ultimate, peace-loving, hippie ideal of the 1970s to the judgmental warlord of doom in a mere 30 years? From the time I was a toddler to now as I’m raising a toddler, I want to know how the same group of people who touted Jesus as their role model of compassion now hold him up as their icon of judgment, conquest and war. Did I miss something?
From what I remember in the early years of my childhood, when people spoke about Jesus, they spoke about his tremendous capacity for love, his obsessive motivation to spread his message of peace, his drive to use his powers as a healer to go to people who were ostracized and bring them back to the society that shunned them. The only time you ever heard of Jesus raising a ruckus was when he booted the moneychangers from the Temple. Even the movies about Jesus were way different back in the ‘70s. “Jesus of Nazareth” came out in 1977 and focused on his whole life, but mostly on the fact that he was a sensitive guy who loved people. Then, of course, there were the aforementioned musicals.
Now in my daughter’s early childhood, I’m listening to a whole different take on Jesus. George W. Bush used Jesus to get elected, not once, but twice, pushing a war platform. Jesus seems to be evoked by new millennium Christians as a means to keep people in line. “Do what I say or you will have Jesus’ wrath to deal with!” Even movies such as “The Passion of the Christ” focus less on Jesus the gentle teacher, and more on his gory, violent death. In a paltry 30 years Christians have moved from praising his works with the poor to supporting public figures who use Jesus as a means of control.
I wonder now how those former hippies would react to their hippie Jesus if he walked down their pristine suburban street today? Most likely, they would call the private security company hired to keep less desirables out of their gated community, and go back to exchanging snarky emails gossiping about who was sleeping with who at church.
I think if Jesus were to come back from the dead and size up his “flock”, he would be sorely disappointed. He would be disgusted that his clergy would stand at a pulpit designed to preach about doing good, and instead use it to tell their congregations who to vote for in a political election. The Jesus I knew back in the 1970s would have considered such an act a grave abuse of position. Then again, the Jesus from the Simon & Garfunkel songs would have completely disassociated himself with the politicians who currently run our country; particularly those who tout family values yet have histories of multiple acts of adultery, divorce, and estrangement from their own children.
As a Jew, this is about as far as I’ll go in terms of thinking about Jesus. Most Jews believe that Jesus was an okay guy, more mensch than messiah, but a good person, nonetheless. I just think it’s a crying shame that the nice guy I knew in the ‘70s, the one who wanted to change the world and care for those less fortune, the one who wanted to teach the world to sing and furnish it with love, is now the guy who could give a damn about the destruction of the environment, genocide in Africa and Iraq, and the growing poverty rate in the U.S. Jesus, my friend, you need a new PR person.
Back in the 1970s Jesus was a hippie icon. He was the longhaired dude who welcomed into his fold people of socially unacceptable backgrounds. Jesus talked non-stop about peace and non-violence despite his own terrible death. I remember the day my mother got the “Jesus Christ Superstar” soundtrack as a birthday gift from one of her friends, she played it ad nauseam for the next two weeks. Mom also took us to see a college production of “Godspell”. In the 1970s, Jesus was the man: a healer, a listener, and an amazingly compassionate person, G-d minus the gloom, judgment, and ego, if you will.
I’m not a Christian and I was raised in an agnostic household, so what perplexed me as I listened to Art tell his musical story was, how did Jesus go from being the ultimate, peace-loving, hippie ideal of the 1970s to the judgmental warlord of doom in a mere 30 years? From the time I was a toddler to now as I’m raising a toddler, I want to know how the same group of people who touted Jesus as their role model of compassion now hold him up as their icon of judgment, conquest and war. Did I miss something?
From what I remember in the early years of my childhood, when people spoke about Jesus, they spoke about his tremendous capacity for love, his obsessive motivation to spread his message of peace, his drive to use his powers as a healer to go to people who were ostracized and bring them back to the society that shunned them. The only time you ever heard of Jesus raising a ruckus was when he booted the moneychangers from the Temple. Even the movies about Jesus were way different back in the ‘70s. “Jesus of Nazareth” came out in 1977 and focused on his whole life, but mostly on the fact that he was a sensitive guy who loved people. Then, of course, there were the aforementioned musicals.
Now in my daughter’s early childhood, I’m listening to a whole different take on Jesus. George W. Bush used Jesus to get elected, not once, but twice, pushing a war platform. Jesus seems to be evoked by new millennium Christians as a means to keep people in line. “Do what I say or you will have Jesus’ wrath to deal with!” Even movies such as “The Passion of the Christ” focus less on Jesus the gentle teacher, and more on his gory, violent death. In a paltry 30 years Christians have moved from praising his works with the poor to supporting public figures who use Jesus as a means of control.
I wonder now how those former hippies would react to their hippie Jesus if he walked down their pristine suburban street today? Most likely, they would call the private security company hired to keep less desirables out of their gated community, and go back to exchanging snarky emails gossiping about who was sleeping with who at church.
I think if Jesus were to come back from the dead and size up his “flock”, he would be sorely disappointed. He would be disgusted that his clergy would stand at a pulpit designed to preach about doing good, and instead use it to tell their congregations who to vote for in a political election. The Jesus I knew back in the 1970s would have considered such an act a grave abuse of position. Then again, the Jesus from the Simon & Garfunkel songs would have completely disassociated himself with the politicians who currently run our country; particularly those who tout family values yet have histories of multiple acts of adultery, divorce, and estrangement from their own children.
As a Jew, this is about as far as I’ll go in terms of thinking about Jesus. Most Jews believe that Jesus was an okay guy, more mensch than messiah, but a good person, nonetheless. I just think it’s a crying shame that the nice guy I knew in the ‘70s, the one who wanted to change the world and care for those less fortune, the one who wanted to teach the world to sing and furnish it with love, is now the guy who could give a damn about the destruction of the environment, genocide in Africa and Iraq, and the growing poverty rate in the U.S. Jesus, my friend, you need a new PR person.
Saturday, March 24, 2007
Weekly Recap 3/18-22: Damaged Doggie Food & Surreal Science
Headline News Recap
The spoiled boy prince (aka Resident Bush) was at it again this week as he threatened to veto any legislation that issued a deadline for troop withdrawal from Iraq. This makes sense given the fact that the sooner the war ends, or at least U.S. involvement in it, the sooner his war-profiteering friends won’t be able to cash in on all of the sweet ass taxpayer “rebuilding” money.
Crazy cat ladies all over the States went into a raging fit this week, and not because the neighbor kids kept walking on their lawn. Apparently the meat and gravy in dozens of brands of dog and cat food is tainted, and has caused the death of 10 pets. A 60 million can recall is underway, and the news has been flooded with “make it yourself” pet food. As a busy working mom the last thing I need to do is worry about whether or not Fozzy will shove his bowl back at me with the “I said medium rare, bitch” look on his face. Note to Menu Foods: stop trying to go cheap and just use the original pet food recipe, you know, two parts turkey ass, one part old horse, topped with that gross looking and smelling jelly stuff.
Texas state senator Dan Patrick has introduced a bill offering women seeking an abortion a $500 incentive to carry the child to full term and give it up for adoption. Seriously, it is a real bill, and no, I’m not shitting you. Hmmm…money for human beings, money for human beings….where have I seen this before? Oh yeah, it was called slavery, and the Emancipation Proclamation outlawed this years ago. Hey, Senator Patrick, instead of trying to figure out yet another roadblock to place in front of a woman faced with a gut-retching decision, why don’t you do away with those moronic abstinence-only programs and help everyone.
One in eight children is bullied by text messages with girls most likely to be targeted. Most of this cyber-bullying occurs amongst kids ages 11-13 and includes text threats and insults. Hey kids, take some friendly advice from your favorite suburban punk. The next time someone cyber-bullies you, block them from texting, leave your desk, ride your bike to their house, and solve the problem the old fashion way: by beating the living crap out of them. I know there is no cool cyber, tech way to phrase it, but trust me, it works.
Science was on the ball this week as they came up with a solution to decrease 4% of greenhouse gas emissions by giving cows a new anti-burp pill. Seems like bovine belches are responsible for a decent amount of global warming, and taking away their tummy troubles will help the environment. Wouldn’t it just be easier to tell oil companies to “fuck off” and start mass producing EV cars?
Aside from cow burps, scientists, this week, conclusively disproved the existence of vampires arguing that if a bite by a vampire creates another vampire, than the entire human race would be vampires in just a mere 30 months. You know, blindness is still a big problem, as is deafness, maybe we could use some of that science money to cure some shit instead of figuring out whether fictional creatures exist. In fact, let me save you a couple of million; the boogey man is a total fucking farce. There, I’ve completed my monthly contribution to science.
Speaking of gaseous, stupid animals, Resident Bush agreed to let Karl Rove and Harriet Myers testify in Congressional hearings regarding the firing of U.S. attorneys as long as they could do it in private and wouldn’t have to be under oath. Basically, they can come in, spew a bunch of bullshit behind closed doors, and this is supposed to suffice as an honest to goodness response to a very public concern regarding abuse of power. Is impeachment still off the table?
In Local News
My boss’ liver cancer thing is treatable, which means he’s returned to being a major control freak, and the worse part is (yes, it gets worse) he is now on heavy medication. There is nothing quite like trying to justify spending $500 on an auction wrap up party to a guy in warlord mode on an assload of Vicodin.
The good news is that I’ve completed the second successful week of a very grueling diet designed to cleanse my system of sugar and chemicals. It’s a 90-day program where all I get to eat is a selection of 10 vegetables and fruits, 8 oz. per day of meat, extremely limited dairy, and saltine crackers. So far, so good, however, no matter how much positive talking you do, there is no way in hell to make cantaloupe seem just as good as a chocolate chip muffin.
Worthless Entertainment News
Mel Gibson told a woman to “fuck off” this week during an appearance at Cal State University. The woman happened to be an expert on Mayan culture and told Mel that his portrayal of Mayans in the movie “Apocalypto” was a racial stereotype. Racial stereotyping? Not Mel Gibson. Can we just admit, at this point, that Mel Gibson is an asshole? I don’t care what his acting and directing talents are; the guy is a schmuck, end of story.
The tabloids are once again claiming that Katie Holmes is Tom Cruise’s prisoner. Their main source of evidence: pictures of her looking haggard and tired. Geez, the mother of an infant looking tired and worn out, that’s a slam dunk. One of their anonymous sources also claims that Katie is afraid to leave Tom, because he would take her credit cards away. Call me crazy, but if I was in an abusive relationship I don’t think a high limit on my Visa would be justification for putting up with someone’s shit.
In worthless British entertainment news, Prince Harry (third in line for the throne), got drunk and wound up stumbling into a gutter. I realize he’s a prince, but he’s also a young soldier who is being deployed to Iraq in a few weeks. Cut him some slack, and pray really, really hard that William and that girl he’s going with get married and have a kid, because there should be way more of a buffer between Harry and royal power.
Asshole of the Week
Vice President Dick Cheney – This week, the White House’s dark overlord accused Congressional Democrats of not supporting the troops. How does a guy who had a hand in starting this false war feel that he has the right to say who does and doesn’t support the troops? Under his watch, VA hospitals across the country have been closed or remain unable to handle their patient loads adequately, soldiers who come home missing both legs are not being discharged to receive the medical benefits they need, his company, Halliburton, is still raking in fistfuls of money while packing for the tax shelters only Dubai can offer, and yet the Democrats are not supportive of the troops. For this statement, and acts of gross misconduct that should result in you being tried for treason and war crimes, Dick Cheney, you are the asshole of the week.
The spoiled boy prince (aka Resident Bush) was at it again this week as he threatened to veto any legislation that issued a deadline for troop withdrawal from Iraq. This makes sense given the fact that the sooner the war ends, or at least U.S. involvement in it, the sooner his war-profiteering friends won’t be able to cash in on all of the sweet ass taxpayer “rebuilding” money.
Crazy cat ladies all over the States went into a raging fit this week, and not because the neighbor kids kept walking on their lawn. Apparently the meat and gravy in dozens of brands of dog and cat food is tainted, and has caused the death of 10 pets. A 60 million can recall is underway, and the news has been flooded with “make it yourself” pet food. As a busy working mom the last thing I need to do is worry about whether or not Fozzy will shove his bowl back at me with the “I said medium rare, bitch” look on his face. Note to Menu Foods: stop trying to go cheap and just use the original pet food recipe, you know, two parts turkey ass, one part old horse, topped with that gross looking and smelling jelly stuff.
Texas state senator Dan Patrick has introduced a bill offering women seeking an abortion a $500 incentive to carry the child to full term and give it up for adoption. Seriously, it is a real bill, and no, I’m not shitting you. Hmmm…money for human beings, money for human beings….where have I seen this before? Oh yeah, it was called slavery, and the Emancipation Proclamation outlawed this years ago. Hey, Senator Patrick, instead of trying to figure out yet another roadblock to place in front of a woman faced with a gut-retching decision, why don’t you do away with those moronic abstinence-only programs and help everyone.
One in eight children is bullied by text messages with girls most likely to be targeted. Most of this cyber-bullying occurs amongst kids ages 11-13 and includes text threats and insults. Hey kids, take some friendly advice from your favorite suburban punk. The next time someone cyber-bullies you, block them from texting, leave your desk, ride your bike to their house, and solve the problem the old fashion way: by beating the living crap out of them. I know there is no cool cyber, tech way to phrase it, but trust me, it works.
Science was on the ball this week as they came up with a solution to decrease 4% of greenhouse gas emissions by giving cows a new anti-burp pill. Seems like bovine belches are responsible for a decent amount of global warming, and taking away their tummy troubles will help the environment. Wouldn’t it just be easier to tell oil companies to “fuck off” and start mass producing EV cars?
Aside from cow burps, scientists, this week, conclusively disproved the existence of vampires arguing that if a bite by a vampire creates another vampire, than the entire human race would be vampires in just a mere 30 months. You know, blindness is still a big problem, as is deafness, maybe we could use some of that science money to cure some shit instead of figuring out whether fictional creatures exist. In fact, let me save you a couple of million; the boogey man is a total fucking farce. There, I’ve completed my monthly contribution to science.
Speaking of gaseous, stupid animals, Resident Bush agreed to let Karl Rove and Harriet Myers testify in Congressional hearings regarding the firing of U.S. attorneys as long as they could do it in private and wouldn’t have to be under oath. Basically, they can come in, spew a bunch of bullshit behind closed doors, and this is supposed to suffice as an honest to goodness response to a very public concern regarding abuse of power. Is impeachment still off the table?
In Local News
My boss’ liver cancer thing is treatable, which means he’s returned to being a major control freak, and the worse part is (yes, it gets worse) he is now on heavy medication. There is nothing quite like trying to justify spending $500 on an auction wrap up party to a guy in warlord mode on an assload of Vicodin.
The good news is that I’ve completed the second successful week of a very grueling diet designed to cleanse my system of sugar and chemicals. It’s a 90-day program where all I get to eat is a selection of 10 vegetables and fruits, 8 oz. per day of meat, extremely limited dairy, and saltine crackers. So far, so good, however, no matter how much positive talking you do, there is no way in hell to make cantaloupe seem just as good as a chocolate chip muffin.
Worthless Entertainment News
Mel Gibson told a woman to “fuck off” this week during an appearance at Cal State University. The woman happened to be an expert on Mayan culture and told Mel that his portrayal of Mayans in the movie “Apocalypto” was a racial stereotype. Racial stereotyping? Not Mel Gibson. Can we just admit, at this point, that Mel Gibson is an asshole? I don’t care what his acting and directing talents are; the guy is a schmuck, end of story.
The tabloids are once again claiming that Katie Holmes is Tom Cruise’s prisoner. Their main source of evidence: pictures of her looking haggard and tired. Geez, the mother of an infant looking tired and worn out, that’s a slam dunk. One of their anonymous sources also claims that Katie is afraid to leave Tom, because he would take her credit cards away. Call me crazy, but if I was in an abusive relationship I don’t think a high limit on my Visa would be justification for putting up with someone’s shit.
In worthless British entertainment news, Prince Harry (third in line for the throne), got drunk and wound up stumbling into a gutter. I realize he’s a prince, but he’s also a young soldier who is being deployed to Iraq in a few weeks. Cut him some slack, and pray really, really hard that William and that girl he’s going with get married and have a kid, because there should be way more of a buffer between Harry and royal power.
Asshole of the Week
Vice President Dick Cheney – This week, the White House’s dark overlord accused Congressional Democrats of not supporting the troops. How does a guy who had a hand in starting this false war feel that he has the right to say who does and doesn’t support the troops? Under his watch, VA hospitals across the country have been closed or remain unable to handle their patient loads adequately, soldiers who come home missing both legs are not being discharged to receive the medical benefits they need, his company, Halliburton, is still raking in fistfuls of money while packing for the tax shelters only Dubai can offer, and yet the Democrats are not supportive of the troops. For this statement, and acts of gross misconduct that should result in you being tried for treason and war crimes, Dick Cheney, you are the asshole of the week.
Saturday, March 17, 2007
Weekly Recap 3/11-17: Bush Regime Blunders & Adoption Addicts
Headline News Recap
Valerie Plame Wilson, the CIA agent who was outed by the Bush Administration, finally got her day in front of some Democratic excuse for an accountability hearing to talk about how her successful career was smashed to bits by the Bush Administration as revenge against her husband for not drinking the Regime Kool-Aid on the Iraq War. It’s about time. This woman’s life was thrown into a tailspin years ago, yet despite her coming out right and stating the obvious: Karl Rove was behind it, Rove still has security clearances. At least Val has the same chutzpah as her husband and refuses to bend for this bastard Regime. I would personally advise her at this point to sue the living crap out of Scooter Libby, Dick Cheney and Karl Rove; because the only thing neocons fear worse than losing power is winding up flat broke.
In fact the bastard Bush Regime continued to wreak havoc on the Constitution and all the principles our country is supposed to hold dear by firing numerous U.S. attorneys for political reasons. There have been calls by both Democrats and Republicans for Attorney General Alberto Gonzales to step down, which means the Regime has been scrambling for a low level pee-on to blame for the whole mess. What I’m wondering at this point is why the hell hasn’t one Democrat brought impeachment to the table. Clinton nearly got impeached for a blow job, Nixon got impeached for knowing about some guys who pulled a B&E, but Bush and his cronies take away our rights, create a false war, violate the Constitution like a Duke University player with a stripper after a victorious game, and in the words of our Speaker of the House, “impeachment is off the table.” C’mon Nancy, you can do better than that. You are woman, now string these guys up by their balls and be done with it.
Speaking of balls, Halliburton must have been listening to that Steve Miller Band song. No, not the ones about saving the environment, the one that has the line about “take the money and run”, because they moved to Dubai, a country known for breeding championship horses and sweet ass tax shelters. Halliburton has been fucking the American tax-paying public since their man in the White House started this whole Iraq mess, and now they aren’t even going to kiss us goodbye before they leave us lying in the wet spot by avoiding billions in taxes. The Dems say they will hold hearings, but they’ve got a lot on their plate. Again, why isn’t anyone talking impeachment yet?
The National Association of Evangelicals has publicly condemned torture tactics perpetrated by the U.S. military, and has come out in favor of environmental protection. I guess it’s never to late to try to apologize for being the group of people who elected the worst president in U.S. history by rationalizing that a vote for George W. was a vote for Jesus. Unfortunately, not all Christians agree with the NAE. James Dobson’s mind control brigade, Focus on the Family, said this week that before they can agree with the NAE’s stance on the environment they have to determine whether global warming is man-caused and can be man-corrected. The scary thing is that all of these peoples’ votes count just as much as yours.
If you take Ambien for sleep-related issues make sure you give your car keys to someone before going for that shuteye. It was revealed this week that one of the side effects of sleep medication is sleep driving, where medicated people will get up in the middle of the night and go for a drive with no recollection of getting behind the wheel. Finally, someone has explained why driving in Seattle sucks ass!
Chiquita, the banana folks, have to cough up a $25 million fine for using Columbian terrorists to protect their workers in violent growing areas in South America. Apparently the same group of guys looking out for our bananas is responsible for numerous civilian mass murders, targeted kidnappings, and working in collusion with cocaine cartels. Who knew that innocent bunch of bananas sitting on my counter could have had such a tumultuous life. You can be sure that Chiquita is no longer getting my 39 cents per pound.
In Local News
We finally hired an agent to sell our house, which means that since she left around noon my husband has been obsessing non-stop about whether or not it was a good idea. He does this quite often with nearly everything and after five and a half years I should be used to it. However, when he starts into his ‘worse case scenario’ rants, I still want to stick a fork in his eye.
I’m heading down to Southern California to interview for two different jobs on Tuesday. Both seem like cool places to work, and I’m very qualified for the positions, so with any luck by this time next month I’ll be reporting the “In Local News” from SoCal, and it will be sunny and rainfree!
Worthless Entertainment News
Angelina Jolie adopted a three year old boy from Vietnam this week. It must be nice to have nannies, because if she had to actually take care of her 5-year-old Cambodian son, her 2-year old Ethiopian daughter, and her 10-month-old birth daughter all on her own along with this new one, she might be double-thinking adding another one to her brood. Don’t get me wrong, I have friends with more than three kids, but they don’t get voted “Sexiest Mom of the Year.” In the real world, perfecting your eyeliner isn’t at the top of your list when you’ve got four munchkins who want mac ‘n’ cheese for lunch.
Disney is set to feature its first black princess in the upcoming animated musical, “The Frog Princess”. Now African-Americans everywhere can be happy about having their daughters manipulated into thinking that being a princess is the best goal in life, too.
Funny lady, Carol Burnett, is suing “The Family Guy” for using her animated cleaning woman character along with a slightly altered version of her show’s theme song. All I’m wondering now is, does anyone else think it’s weird that Carol Burnett watches “The Family Guy?”
Asshole of the Week
Dear Readers, I’ve been doing Quote of the Week for the past year, but I’ve come to the realization that one stupid thing someone says shouldn’t define who they are. Instead, I’ve chosen to point out people who say many stupid things and feature them in this new segment: Asshole of the Week. Enjoy!
Senator John McCain – He ran in 2000 as a guy who would give you the straight up story, then the Bush crew came in and did their damage. I guess after six years of eating shit and tasting power he wants the presidency so bad he’ll do or say anything to get it. Seven years ago he was pro-choice, now he isn’t. Seven years ago he was against torture, which makes since as a former prisoner of war, now he signed onto legislation that allowed for water boarding. He apologized this week for a racist comment he made in describing equal parental rights in divorce cases, and started a NCAA betting pool on his website. For all of the back peddling, and for saying and doing anything just to get elected president, Senator McCain, you are the Asshole of the Week.
Valerie Plame Wilson, the CIA agent who was outed by the Bush Administration, finally got her day in front of some Democratic excuse for an accountability hearing to talk about how her successful career was smashed to bits by the Bush Administration as revenge against her husband for not drinking the Regime Kool-Aid on the Iraq War. It’s about time. This woman’s life was thrown into a tailspin years ago, yet despite her coming out right and stating the obvious: Karl Rove was behind it, Rove still has security clearances. At least Val has the same chutzpah as her husband and refuses to bend for this bastard Regime. I would personally advise her at this point to sue the living crap out of Scooter Libby, Dick Cheney and Karl Rove; because the only thing neocons fear worse than losing power is winding up flat broke.
In fact the bastard Bush Regime continued to wreak havoc on the Constitution and all the principles our country is supposed to hold dear by firing numerous U.S. attorneys for political reasons. There have been calls by both Democrats and Republicans for Attorney General Alberto Gonzales to step down, which means the Regime has been scrambling for a low level pee-on to blame for the whole mess. What I’m wondering at this point is why the hell hasn’t one Democrat brought impeachment to the table. Clinton nearly got impeached for a blow job, Nixon got impeached for knowing about some guys who pulled a B&E, but Bush and his cronies take away our rights, create a false war, violate the Constitution like a Duke University player with a stripper after a victorious game, and in the words of our Speaker of the House, “impeachment is off the table.” C’mon Nancy, you can do better than that. You are woman, now string these guys up by their balls and be done with it.
Speaking of balls, Halliburton must have been listening to that Steve Miller Band song. No, not the ones about saving the environment, the one that has the line about “take the money and run”, because they moved to Dubai, a country known for breeding championship horses and sweet ass tax shelters. Halliburton has been fucking the American tax-paying public since their man in the White House started this whole Iraq mess, and now they aren’t even going to kiss us goodbye before they leave us lying in the wet spot by avoiding billions in taxes. The Dems say they will hold hearings, but they’ve got a lot on their plate. Again, why isn’t anyone talking impeachment yet?
The National Association of Evangelicals has publicly condemned torture tactics perpetrated by the U.S. military, and has come out in favor of environmental protection. I guess it’s never to late to try to apologize for being the group of people who elected the worst president in U.S. history by rationalizing that a vote for George W. was a vote for Jesus. Unfortunately, not all Christians agree with the NAE. James Dobson’s mind control brigade, Focus on the Family, said this week that before they can agree with the NAE’s stance on the environment they have to determine whether global warming is man-caused and can be man-corrected. The scary thing is that all of these peoples’ votes count just as much as yours.
If you take Ambien for sleep-related issues make sure you give your car keys to someone before going for that shuteye. It was revealed this week that one of the side effects of sleep medication is sleep driving, where medicated people will get up in the middle of the night and go for a drive with no recollection of getting behind the wheel. Finally, someone has explained why driving in Seattle sucks ass!
Chiquita, the banana folks, have to cough up a $25 million fine for using Columbian terrorists to protect their workers in violent growing areas in South America. Apparently the same group of guys looking out for our bananas is responsible for numerous civilian mass murders, targeted kidnappings, and working in collusion with cocaine cartels. Who knew that innocent bunch of bananas sitting on my counter could have had such a tumultuous life. You can be sure that Chiquita is no longer getting my 39 cents per pound.
In Local News
We finally hired an agent to sell our house, which means that since she left around noon my husband has been obsessing non-stop about whether or not it was a good idea. He does this quite often with nearly everything and after five and a half years I should be used to it. However, when he starts into his ‘worse case scenario’ rants, I still want to stick a fork in his eye.
I’m heading down to Southern California to interview for two different jobs on Tuesday. Both seem like cool places to work, and I’m very qualified for the positions, so with any luck by this time next month I’ll be reporting the “In Local News” from SoCal, and it will be sunny and rainfree!
Worthless Entertainment News
Angelina Jolie adopted a three year old boy from Vietnam this week. It must be nice to have nannies, because if she had to actually take care of her 5-year-old Cambodian son, her 2-year old Ethiopian daughter, and her 10-month-old birth daughter all on her own along with this new one, she might be double-thinking adding another one to her brood. Don’t get me wrong, I have friends with more than three kids, but they don’t get voted “Sexiest Mom of the Year.” In the real world, perfecting your eyeliner isn’t at the top of your list when you’ve got four munchkins who want mac ‘n’ cheese for lunch.
Disney is set to feature its first black princess in the upcoming animated musical, “The Frog Princess”. Now African-Americans everywhere can be happy about having their daughters manipulated into thinking that being a princess is the best goal in life, too.
Funny lady, Carol Burnett, is suing “The Family Guy” for using her animated cleaning woman character along with a slightly altered version of her show’s theme song. All I’m wondering now is, does anyone else think it’s weird that Carol Burnett watches “The Family Guy?”
Asshole of the Week
Dear Readers, I’ve been doing Quote of the Week for the past year, but I’ve come to the realization that one stupid thing someone says shouldn’t define who they are. Instead, I’ve chosen to point out people who say many stupid things and feature them in this new segment: Asshole of the Week. Enjoy!
Senator John McCain – He ran in 2000 as a guy who would give you the straight up story, then the Bush crew came in and did their damage. I guess after six years of eating shit and tasting power he wants the presidency so bad he’ll do or say anything to get it. Seven years ago he was pro-choice, now he isn’t. Seven years ago he was against torture, which makes since as a former prisoner of war, now he signed onto legislation that allowed for water boarding. He apologized this week for a racist comment he made in describing equal parental rights in divorce cases, and started a NCAA betting pool on his website. For all of the back peddling, and for saying and doing anything just to get elected president, Senator McCain, you are the Asshole of the Week.
Thursday, March 15, 2007
An Open Letter to Lynne Spears
Hey Lynne,
Now that your daughter is sitting in a dry out tank, bald, depressed, and forfeiting custody of your grandsons on a daily basis to that son-in-law who you suspected was nothing but a worthless gold digger, what I want to ask you, mother to mother, is was it worth it?
You must have had the best intentions when you dressed little, 16-year-old Brittney up like every pedophile’s favorite school girl cocktease, and had her writhing on the floor in her first music video. After all, the money was probably pretty sweet when she posed in a bra on the cover of Rolling Stone. I’m sure you couldn’t have foreseen the trauma that thrusting a young girl into the world of adult sexuality could have brought.
I guess while you were counting the millions, you just never stopped to consider the negative side of sending your daughter out on tour to lip sync a show wearing nothing more than a bra and hot pants. She probably seemed like she was having fun when she was smiling, although you were likely standing on the side of the stage giving her the strict order to keep that frown turned upside down when she was too tired to wear that marketed brand of Brittney cheer.
You must have been a little upset when she decided to hook up with Kevin. He almost fucked up your absolute power plan. If he would have stayed in the picture a moment longer, maybe Brittney would have realized that she didn’t need to use her tits and ass to get press. Perhaps she was telling the truth in that Matt Lauer interview, and just wanted to be a mom and wife and keep a house. Of course the problem with Brittney becoming happily married and domestic is that it just doesn’t pay as well as having a wild child with no panties partying until dawn. The tabloids love a famous girl that doesn’t wear panties.
I guess it didn’t matter to you that when you forced your daughter’s well-marketed virgin/whore persona on the cultural landscape, you were telling other girls that they needed to be the quintessential sex objects, too. Prior to Brittney, blatant sexuality was restricted to females over the age of 18, but you managed to help destroy that last beacon of decency and create a generation of girls who believe that they are only worth the sex they can provide to men.
Lynne, what I’m wondering now is where does it go from here? Once the girls turn into women and realize that they’ve treated their bodies like garbage receptors, been used by everyone and thrown away, and are confronted with the reality that party girls are fun to fuck, but aren’t the type of woman anyone wants to be with for more than a few hours, what are these women to do?
Brittney had her own way of handling things. She married a loserish guy to get away from you, had two kids in an attempt to find real love, then when all else failed and she was staring down the fact that she was nothing more than yesterday’s fad, she went nuts with a razor and wound up screaming like a mad woman in front of Kevin’s house. Where were you, Lynne?
I guess from here out you have two choices; you could help Brittney through this hard time in her life, let her settle down with Kevin whether you like him or not, and be the mother and housewife she wants to be, or you could milk it for the last drop. After all, when Brittney is done and over with, you always have Jamie Lynn.
Regretfully,
Mel the Punk in Suburbia
Now that your daughter is sitting in a dry out tank, bald, depressed, and forfeiting custody of your grandsons on a daily basis to that son-in-law who you suspected was nothing but a worthless gold digger, what I want to ask you, mother to mother, is was it worth it?
You must have had the best intentions when you dressed little, 16-year-old Brittney up like every pedophile’s favorite school girl cocktease, and had her writhing on the floor in her first music video. After all, the money was probably pretty sweet when she posed in a bra on the cover of Rolling Stone. I’m sure you couldn’t have foreseen the trauma that thrusting a young girl into the world of adult sexuality could have brought.
I guess while you were counting the millions, you just never stopped to consider the negative side of sending your daughter out on tour to lip sync a show wearing nothing more than a bra and hot pants. She probably seemed like she was having fun when she was smiling, although you were likely standing on the side of the stage giving her the strict order to keep that frown turned upside down when she was too tired to wear that marketed brand of Brittney cheer.
You must have been a little upset when she decided to hook up with Kevin. He almost fucked up your absolute power plan. If he would have stayed in the picture a moment longer, maybe Brittney would have realized that she didn’t need to use her tits and ass to get press. Perhaps she was telling the truth in that Matt Lauer interview, and just wanted to be a mom and wife and keep a house. Of course the problem with Brittney becoming happily married and domestic is that it just doesn’t pay as well as having a wild child with no panties partying until dawn. The tabloids love a famous girl that doesn’t wear panties.
I guess it didn’t matter to you that when you forced your daughter’s well-marketed virgin/whore persona on the cultural landscape, you were telling other girls that they needed to be the quintessential sex objects, too. Prior to Brittney, blatant sexuality was restricted to females over the age of 18, but you managed to help destroy that last beacon of decency and create a generation of girls who believe that they are only worth the sex they can provide to men.
Lynne, what I’m wondering now is where does it go from here? Once the girls turn into women and realize that they’ve treated their bodies like garbage receptors, been used by everyone and thrown away, and are confronted with the reality that party girls are fun to fuck, but aren’t the type of woman anyone wants to be with for more than a few hours, what are these women to do?
Brittney had her own way of handling things. She married a loserish guy to get away from you, had two kids in an attempt to find real love, then when all else failed and she was staring down the fact that she was nothing more than yesterday’s fad, she went nuts with a razor and wound up screaming like a mad woman in front of Kevin’s house. Where were you, Lynne?
I guess from here out you have two choices; you could help Brittney through this hard time in her life, let her settle down with Kevin whether you like him or not, and be the mother and housewife she wants to be, or you could milk it for the last drop. After all, when Brittney is done and over with, you always have Jamie Lynn.
Regretfully,
Mel the Punk in Suburbia
Monday, March 12, 2007
I'm Baaaacck!
I may be back, but I'm still a touch braindead after working myself into the ground for the past three weeks. Here's a quick 411:
- The event was phenominal! Way more work in the past two weeks than anticipated, because I had 50 people RSVP the week of, which advances my theory that folks in the Seattle area are completely socially retarded. When you get an invitation six weeks before the event, and you RSVP (with attitude at that) 72 hours before the event, you are socially retarded.
- I met my financial goal....well, maybe. The big thrill of the evening, aside from the auction itself, is to tally up the amount raised at the end of the night and have my boss announce it in front of the crowd. This didn't happen last night, because the cashiering service didn't punch things in right, so I left my event not knowing how much money the event raised. Basically, if you do charity events for a living, not getting that total at the end of the night is the equivalent to not hitting the "Big O" after having sex for a half hour. It's so disappointing.
- Due to not knowing how much money was actually raised means that tomorrow, I have to audit the entire auction, and I'm still braindead. Trying to do math, while being braindead is somewhat painful.
- I sent Jeff and Rachael to Southern California last Tuesday, so that I could focus my full energy on my event. Now that the event is over, I'm sad that they won't be back until Wednesday. Fozzy is a loyal and happy companion, but he's not much of a conversationalist.
Other weird stuff that happened while I was out:
- My boss found out that he has very aggressive liver cancer, which is going to make me feel like a major asshole when I tell them I'm quitting in a few weeks. If you have any suggestions on how I can do this tactfully, please speak up. Aside from telling them that I'm secretly a revolutionary activist working against the American government, and I have to move to Sweden, because they don't have an extradition treaty with the U.S., I'm at a loss for a good excuse that won't make me look like a total jerk.
- My step-stepmom decided to get the marriage annulled between herself and my stepdad, because my stepdad was too restless at night to sleep in the same bed with her. My stepdad has survived a double-lung transplant and a kidney transplant, and the only way you can continue to live is to take some very serious anti-rejection medication. His medication gives him side effects that don't allow him to sleep more than a few hours at a time, and often he can't sleep lying down flat. Apparently she took this as an afront, and ended up telling him that his night twitches didn't fit into her very definition of marriage, so she gave him papers and he signed them. I feel bad for my stepdad, my brother, all of my family, and their friends. The only thing I know for sure is that somewhere my mom is chuckling, because she was always sort of a morbid, jealous person. I loved her, but it's the truth.
- We were nearly sued by some crazy bitch who bought a shelving unit from us. We posted on Craigslist, like we have a dozen times before, and she came to our house to pick it up. Jeff told her to bring a truck, but she didn't listen. He took the whole thing apart (which took him 1 1/2 hours), and loaded half of it into her SUV. She changed her mind two weeks later, but all sales were final. We left the rest of it out on the porch for her to pick up while we were at work. The next day we received a letter in the mail from her claiming that she twisted her ankle on our steps and she wanted our insurance company info. We didn't respond, and haven't heard from her since. She turned around and re-sold the shelving unit on Craigslist for $50 more than she paid us.
I guess that's it for now. I'll address current events in a couple of days, when I'm no longer braindead, and I can give proper lip service to the corporate media for focusing more attention on the trial of Anna Nicole's corpse than Scooter Libby's treason, Brittney Spears' breakdown which should be a warning to all moms not to sell their daughters into sexual objectification at the age of 16, Democrats vs. Republicans which is meaningless, because they are all owned by the same corporations, and the most disturbing current event of them all: how a nice Jewish punk rock chick from the Seattle 'burbs came to agree with Louis Farrakhan.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Be With You All Shortly...
I'm still alive and doing well (if you consider "well" being closer to a nervous breakdown than Brittney Spears). My big fundraising event is less than three weeks away on March 10th, and it is going to be a fabulous party. Unfortunately, the leadership at the non-profit I work for is inept and hasn't bothered to cultivate a base of supporters, so the RSVPs are really lagging. Ever had a party no one showed up to? Well, I'm about half way to where I want to be right now, so the post I make on March 11th will either tell the tale of a lot of RSVPs coming in at the last minute or will be a pissing and moaning rant about how I threw a cool event and no one showed up.
Never fear, whether it's a happy, happy, joy, joy message or a piss and moan fest, I'll still talk about Brittney shaving her head, because that was the best laugh I've had in awhile. I guess she couldn't let Anna Nicole's corpse steal all of the spotlight (wouldn't it just be easier to develop some talent or get a degree?). See you soon!
Never fear, whether it's a happy, happy, joy, joy message or a piss and moan fest, I'll still talk about Brittney shaving her head, because that was the best laugh I've had in awhile. I guess she couldn't let Anna Nicole's corpse steal all of the spotlight (wouldn't it just be easier to develop some talent or get a degree?). See you soon!
Sunday, February 11, 2007
I Can't Leave the Media Alone for 5 Minutes...
So all I wanted to do was take a few weeks off of focusing all of my brain power on making this major fundraising event happen thinking that maybe, just maybe, the media would be so caught up in whether or not Barack Obama was going to run for president, or demonizing Hillary Clinton they would ignore a few important stories, but would at least focus on regime change. Then from out of the Hard Rock Hotel in Florida comes the vomit choked corpse of Anna Nicole Smith, and every media outlet goes ape shit. What the fuck!
It’s been Annamania for two days now. The bitch is more popular in death than she was in life, and any microscopic shred of respect I had lingering for the mainstream “news” media is completely gone. They are acting like her overdose (and you know she fucking ODed) is such an unbelievable shocking thing. I can see their point; after all she was always so sober and academic-like during every interview I ever saw with her.
To hell with the meeting between Hamas and Fatah in Mecca, we all have to be filled with hours of speculation about whether or not Anna and her sleazy ass lawyer, Howard K. Stern were really married. Fuck the hearings about how the Bush Administration allowed palates of tax payer dollars to be shipped to Iraq without accounting for it, because Anna’s sexual liaisons are far more important to the American public then the fact that we were ripped off to the tune of $12 billion. And the war in Iraq, well never mind that little conflict, let’s tell the citizens to focus on Anna’s legal conflicts; they are far more relevant to everyone’s lives.
I realize that the media is no longer the media of Edward R. Murrow or Walter Cronkite, it hasn’t been for decades, but when the hell did Access Hollywood become the gold standard?
I don’t give a flying fuck about Anna Nicole Smith. There I said it, and I will be so bold as to say that I’m sure I speak for the masses! Her life was nothing more than an amusing antidote on the Google News page or the perfect plot to a True Hollywood Story episode. She was a fucking trainwreck of a human being. Perhaps she had some redeeming qualities, but I never saw them. She couldn’t act, sing, dance, didn’t have much of a personality, and was dumb as a box of rocks. She was pretty and had a great rack, but pretty fades with age and the rack will eventually go south for the winter never to return again.
Everyone in the media seems so surprised that she died at a young age, but that’s what human trainwrecks do; they live a screwed up life and choke to death on their own vomit before the age of 40. I could have told you how this story was going to end years ago.
The only tragedy in this whole Anna Nicole ordeal is her 5 month old daughter, the one who, despite being an infant, wasn’t with her, but maybe that was a good thing. My friend Stacy and I were wondering just how many more men are going to come forward to claim paternity; seems like Anna’s thighs were apart so often they had to email each other to keep in touch.
Over the next few weeks the story will play out as follows: Howard K. Stern will break his silence and ink a sweet book deal, he will also have it rigged so he gets Anna’s estate, and probably her kid, that Larry guy who claims to be Anna’s baby daddy will end up looking pathetic and stupid (more than he already does), and after it comes out that he’s not the baby daddy, will start trashing her to anyone who will listen, and the media will continue to play this story like Anna Nicole was some modern day Marilyn Monroe. The worst part is that I will be neck deep in my event, I’ll come home late from working a 12-14 hour day just wanting to see a legitimate headline, all I’ll find is this Anna Nicole bullshit, and that is the biggest fucking tragedy of them all.
It’s been Annamania for two days now. The bitch is more popular in death than she was in life, and any microscopic shred of respect I had lingering for the mainstream “news” media is completely gone. They are acting like her overdose (and you know she fucking ODed) is such an unbelievable shocking thing. I can see their point; after all she was always so sober and academic-like during every interview I ever saw with her.
To hell with the meeting between Hamas and Fatah in Mecca, we all have to be filled with hours of speculation about whether or not Anna and her sleazy ass lawyer, Howard K. Stern were really married. Fuck the hearings about how the Bush Administration allowed palates of tax payer dollars to be shipped to Iraq without accounting for it, because Anna’s sexual liaisons are far more important to the American public then the fact that we were ripped off to the tune of $12 billion. And the war in Iraq, well never mind that little conflict, let’s tell the citizens to focus on Anna’s legal conflicts; they are far more relevant to everyone’s lives.
I realize that the media is no longer the media of Edward R. Murrow or Walter Cronkite, it hasn’t been for decades, but when the hell did Access Hollywood become the gold standard?
I don’t give a flying fuck about Anna Nicole Smith. There I said it, and I will be so bold as to say that I’m sure I speak for the masses! Her life was nothing more than an amusing antidote on the Google News page or the perfect plot to a True Hollywood Story episode. She was a fucking trainwreck of a human being. Perhaps she had some redeeming qualities, but I never saw them. She couldn’t act, sing, dance, didn’t have much of a personality, and was dumb as a box of rocks. She was pretty and had a great rack, but pretty fades with age and the rack will eventually go south for the winter never to return again.
Everyone in the media seems so surprised that she died at a young age, but that’s what human trainwrecks do; they live a screwed up life and choke to death on their own vomit before the age of 40. I could have told you how this story was going to end years ago.
The only tragedy in this whole Anna Nicole ordeal is her 5 month old daughter, the one who, despite being an infant, wasn’t with her, but maybe that was a good thing. My friend Stacy and I were wondering just how many more men are going to come forward to claim paternity; seems like Anna’s thighs were apart so often they had to email each other to keep in touch.
Over the next few weeks the story will play out as follows: Howard K. Stern will break his silence and ink a sweet book deal, he will also have it rigged so he gets Anna’s estate, and probably her kid, that Larry guy who claims to be Anna’s baby daddy will end up looking pathetic and stupid (more than he already does), and after it comes out that he’s not the baby daddy, will start trashing her to anyone who will listen, and the media will continue to play this story like Anna Nicole was some modern day Marilyn Monroe. The worst part is that I will be neck deep in my event, I’ll come home late from working a 12-14 hour day just wanting to see a legitimate headline, all I’ll find is this Anna Nicole bullshit, and that is the biggest fucking tragedy of them all.
Saturday, February 03, 2007
It's the Little Things That Are So Annoying - Part II
I thought I got everything off my chest with a previous post, but I found a few more things that irk me. One-on-one these annoyances are no big deal, but paired with stress, traffic, and a clueless boss and they make life downright challenging. Perhaps the feeling is mutual, or maybe I just need a drink.
Glitter – My friend got Rachael a princess chest from Costco for her 3rd birthday. It contained three adorable dress-up outfits complete with accessories. The only problem was the costumes were decorated with glitter. A week ago, my little dog got angry that we weren’t spending enough time with him, and took a piss in Rachael’s playroom. He targeted a couple of princess dresses lying on the floor, because Rachael had tried to dress him in them a few hours earlier. I put them in the wash, and now there is glitter everywhere. My floors are sparkling, not because I’m a great housekeeper, I’m not. Nope, it’s the glitter. This stuff never goes away. I’m now convinced that when World War III finally happens, all that will be left after the nuclear holocaust will be cockroaches dressed in glitter-covered princess outfits.
Bluetooth Phones – It used to be easy to spot crazy people. They were the ones sitting in the room talking to themselves. I thought I encountered an honest to goodness crazy person about a year ago until I saw the weird Borg-like thing hanging off his ear. He wasn’t crazy; he was just conversing on his Bluetooth. I think these things look really stupid, you aren’t part of the Secret Service, you are just a janitor talking to your friend about your Fantasy Football team, so get over it. I also wonder how safe it is to have a phone hooked to your head 16 hours per day. Sure they keep denying that cell phones cause brain tumors, but these are the same assholes that haven’t come clean about global warming, so they’re not exactly trustworthy folk.
Idiot National Security Agencies – Unless you’ve been living in a cave for the past week, or (*gasp*) aren’t a fan of Adult Swim on Cartoon Network, then you’ve heard about the arrest of two marketing reps who put Lite Brites all over Boston to promote the upcoming season premier of Aqua Teen Hunger Force; a cartoon that features a talking wad of meat, an uptight box of French fries, and a cynical milkshake. Authorities in Boston thought the Lite Brites were bombs, despite clearly looking like Lite Brites, and closed down half the city. I watched this report thinking that citizens of America are completely fucked. If this is the state of our national security, then thank
G-d for that amendment that lets us own our own guns, because if terrorists ever take over, we cannot rely on this group of morons to protect us.
Lack of Any and All Free Time – This is the time of year when I can’t even complete a thought of my own. I’m a Special Events Manager for a non-profit organization, and I am exactly five weeks away from my big event. In one night, I will raise $300,000. I’m not having one of those Tom Cruise circa Risky Business style prostitution parties, or doing a huge cocaine soiree; that would be too much fun. I’m just getting 400 people into a room and freely pouring enough wine, so that they end up paying exorbitant amounts of money for items they don’t want, but it’s for a good cause, so no harm, no foul, right. The unfortunate end of this dream situation is that it takes a hell of a lot of detail management to pull off a $300,000 evening, so for the next five weeks I’ll be foregoing the Weekly Recap, regular posts, time with my family, moments of sanity, sleep, daylight, and any conversation that doesn’t revolve around the event. Fortunately, this will all be over at midnight on March 10th, so until then, I may or may not be in touch. Wish me luck, be well, and many wishes of strength to Camie for the arrival of her new little Miss.
Glitter – My friend got Rachael a princess chest from Costco for her 3rd birthday. It contained three adorable dress-up outfits complete with accessories. The only problem was the costumes were decorated with glitter. A week ago, my little dog got angry that we weren’t spending enough time with him, and took a piss in Rachael’s playroom. He targeted a couple of princess dresses lying on the floor, because Rachael had tried to dress him in them a few hours earlier. I put them in the wash, and now there is glitter everywhere. My floors are sparkling, not because I’m a great housekeeper, I’m not. Nope, it’s the glitter. This stuff never goes away. I’m now convinced that when World War III finally happens, all that will be left after the nuclear holocaust will be cockroaches dressed in glitter-covered princess outfits.
Bluetooth Phones – It used to be easy to spot crazy people. They were the ones sitting in the room talking to themselves. I thought I encountered an honest to goodness crazy person about a year ago until I saw the weird Borg-like thing hanging off his ear. He wasn’t crazy; he was just conversing on his Bluetooth. I think these things look really stupid, you aren’t part of the Secret Service, you are just a janitor talking to your friend about your Fantasy Football team, so get over it. I also wonder how safe it is to have a phone hooked to your head 16 hours per day. Sure they keep denying that cell phones cause brain tumors, but these are the same assholes that haven’t come clean about global warming, so they’re not exactly trustworthy folk.
Idiot National Security Agencies – Unless you’ve been living in a cave for the past week, or (*gasp*) aren’t a fan of Adult Swim on Cartoon Network, then you’ve heard about the arrest of two marketing reps who put Lite Brites all over Boston to promote the upcoming season premier of Aqua Teen Hunger Force; a cartoon that features a talking wad of meat, an uptight box of French fries, and a cynical milkshake. Authorities in Boston thought the Lite Brites were bombs, despite clearly looking like Lite Brites, and closed down half the city. I watched this report thinking that citizens of America are completely fucked. If this is the state of our national security, then thank
G-d for that amendment that lets us own our own guns, because if terrorists ever take over, we cannot rely on this group of morons to protect us.
Lack of Any and All Free Time – This is the time of year when I can’t even complete a thought of my own. I’m a Special Events Manager for a non-profit organization, and I am exactly five weeks away from my big event. In one night, I will raise $300,000. I’m not having one of those Tom Cruise circa Risky Business style prostitution parties, or doing a huge cocaine soiree; that would be too much fun. I’m just getting 400 people into a room and freely pouring enough wine, so that they end up paying exorbitant amounts of money for items they don’t want, but it’s for a good cause, so no harm, no foul, right. The unfortunate end of this dream situation is that it takes a hell of a lot of detail management to pull off a $300,000 evening, so for the next five weeks I’ll be foregoing the Weekly Recap, regular posts, time with my family, moments of sanity, sleep, daylight, and any conversation that doesn’t revolve around the event. Fortunately, this will all be over at midnight on March 10th, so until then, I may or may not be in touch. Wish me luck, be well, and many wishes of strength to Camie for the arrival of her new little Miss.
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Enough with This "Winning" Crap, Already!
Winning is a good thing. It’s nice to feel victorious or know you are the best at something. I like winning, and feeling like a winner, but lately, I’m not all that fond of the word itself.
Last night I was flipping stations endlessly under the delusion that I would find something interesting and informative, when I passed by Fox News. Fox’s shorter, younger, more egotistical version of Rush Limbaugh, otherwise known as Sean Hannity, was grilling an anti-war activist asking him how he expected the U.S. to win the war if the citizens didn’t give all of their blind devotion, love and dollars to Resident Bush. Okay, I’m paraphrasing, but anyone who’s had to listen to this blowhard fuck for five seconds knows I’m not off base by a centimeter with the above description.
After being completely disgusted, and launching into a verbal rant that would have made a sailor blush (thankfully, the toddler was in bed), I began to consider the whole concept of “winning” this war in Iraq.
In order to give a thorough analysis, let’s look at war. War is when two tribes, countries, groups of people, decide that they hate each other so much that they can’t bear the thought of living on the same earth as the other, and therefore arrive at the only reasonable solution: the other tribe/country/group of people must die.
The only way to win a war, under the above particular definition of war, is to kill more people than your rival tribe/country/group of people, which means that the only way to win the war in Iraq, at this point, is to begin killing a hell of a lot more people. I’m sure folks like Hannity and his ilk are all in favor of it, but given the half million people who showed up in Washington D.C. to protest the war, the registered voters who gave the Republicans the boot, and bloggers all over the world who are screaming for an end, thankfully, the neocons don’t have the consent needed to pursue their bloodlust.
Not that the lack of support will stop them in their desire to conquer all, and spread democracy, no matter how many Iraqi children they have to send to their graves, damn it! Unfortunately, we have an asshole in the White House who is so rooted in simple definitions that he refuses to look at the broader implications of winning this war. I wouldn’t put it past him to begin discussing nukes in the near future, which as previously mentioned in the above, simplistic definition of winning a war, would be a way of winning. He doesn’t have any regard for human life, no matter how hard he trumpets the anti-choice agenda, and since our troops are maxed, nukes will be the next thing our fearless leader tries to convince us will work.
In previous generations, war has been used to combat aggressors, put an end to human suffering, and achieve peace. Leaders who went to war with the purpose of fighting tyranny agonized at the idea of the innocent human life that would be lost, but that seemed to change around the time of Vietnam, when war became nothing more than a way to make one ideology trump another. We should have learned our lesson then, but fast forward to 2002 when we were fighting them over there, so we wouldn’t have to fight them over here.
The reality is that winning this war isn’t possible, and, more importantly, we can no longer frame it as a winner/loser situation. Most Americans want to bring the situation to an end realizing that although we did combat an aggressor in Iraq, we failed to look at history and realize that the country was made up of three warring tribes that will stop at nothing to win their own age-old war. It is no longer about winning, more than it is about ending American involvement. There isn’t going to be peace or an end to human suffering until the Sunnis, Shiias, and Khurds work out their own disputes, which given the current state of Iraq, might be awhile.
The most important thing to do at this point, other than drop the word “winning” in terms of speaking about Iraq is to realize that no one wins a war. A lot of people die, cities are destroyed, and power changes hands for better or worse, but the very mention of a “winner” or “loser” is always subjective. The only winner I’ve seen so far in this whole Iraq debacle, despite what Hannity, Bush, and other dittoheads say, is companies like Halliburton, crooked Iraqi officials, fundamentalist Muslim groups who hate the U.S., and oil companies who have discovered the best long-range excuse to keep gouging a public that is already paying out the ass for the worst presidential fuck up in history. Nope, there are no winners here, and there won’t be anytime soon, so enough of this “winning” crap, already!
Last night I was flipping stations endlessly under the delusion that I would find something interesting and informative, when I passed by Fox News. Fox’s shorter, younger, more egotistical version of Rush Limbaugh, otherwise known as Sean Hannity, was grilling an anti-war activist asking him how he expected the U.S. to win the war if the citizens didn’t give all of their blind devotion, love and dollars to Resident Bush. Okay, I’m paraphrasing, but anyone who’s had to listen to this blowhard fuck for five seconds knows I’m not off base by a centimeter with the above description.
After being completely disgusted, and launching into a verbal rant that would have made a sailor blush (thankfully, the toddler was in bed), I began to consider the whole concept of “winning” this war in Iraq.
In order to give a thorough analysis, let’s look at war. War is when two tribes, countries, groups of people, decide that they hate each other so much that they can’t bear the thought of living on the same earth as the other, and therefore arrive at the only reasonable solution: the other tribe/country/group of people must die.
The only way to win a war, under the above particular definition of war, is to kill more people than your rival tribe/country/group of people, which means that the only way to win the war in Iraq, at this point, is to begin killing a hell of a lot more people. I’m sure folks like Hannity and his ilk are all in favor of it, but given the half million people who showed up in Washington D.C. to protest the war, the registered voters who gave the Republicans the boot, and bloggers all over the world who are screaming for an end, thankfully, the neocons don’t have the consent needed to pursue their bloodlust.
Not that the lack of support will stop them in their desire to conquer all, and spread democracy, no matter how many Iraqi children they have to send to their graves, damn it! Unfortunately, we have an asshole in the White House who is so rooted in simple definitions that he refuses to look at the broader implications of winning this war. I wouldn’t put it past him to begin discussing nukes in the near future, which as previously mentioned in the above, simplistic definition of winning a war, would be a way of winning. He doesn’t have any regard for human life, no matter how hard he trumpets the anti-choice agenda, and since our troops are maxed, nukes will be the next thing our fearless leader tries to convince us will work.
In previous generations, war has been used to combat aggressors, put an end to human suffering, and achieve peace. Leaders who went to war with the purpose of fighting tyranny agonized at the idea of the innocent human life that would be lost, but that seemed to change around the time of Vietnam, when war became nothing more than a way to make one ideology trump another. We should have learned our lesson then, but fast forward to 2002 when we were fighting them over there, so we wouldn’t have to fight them over here.
The reality is that winning this war isn’t possible, and, more importantly, we can no longer frame it as a winner/loser situation. Most Americans want to bring the situation to an end realizing that although we did combat an aggressor in Iraq, we failed to look at history and realize that the country was made up of three warring tribes that will stop at nothing to win their own age-old war. It is no longer about winning, more than it is about ending American involvement. There isn’t going to be peace or an end to human suffering until the Sunnis, Shiias, and Khurds work out their own disputes, which given the current state of Iraq, might be awhile.
The most important thing to do at this point, other than drop the word “winning” in terms of speaking about Iraq is to realize that no one wins a war. A lot of people die, cities are destroyed, and power changes hands for better or worse, but the very mention of a “winner” or “loser” is always subjective. The only winner I’ve seen so far in this whole Iraq debacle, despite what Hannity, Bush, and other dittoheads say, is companies like Halliburton, crooked Iraqi officials, fundamentalist Muslim groups who hate the U.S., and oil companies who have discovered the best long-range excuse to keep gouging a public that is already paying out the ass for the worst presidential fuck up in history. Nope, there are no winners here, and there won’t be anytime soon, so enough of this “winning” crap, already!
Saturday, January 27, 2007
Weekly Recap 1/21-27: Body Image Irritations & Dumb W.
Headline News Recap
Resident Bush’s Tuesday night State-of-the-Union address claims that amongst other things, our economy is strong, there have been millions of new jobs created, the No Child Left Behind Act has produced successful results, and that he wants to work with the Democratic leadership to give more Americans better access to healthcare coverage and strengthen Medicare and Social Security. Funny, it seemed like just yesterday in his State-of-the-Union address in 2003 he promised to build government-funded healthcare clinics in every community in the U.S. It’s amazing what you can say when you don’t have things like truth and honesty standing in your way.
Just as a side note: less than 48 hours after delivering his Tuesday address expressing his desire to work with Democrats, Bushy made a statement in front of his generals that he was the “decision maker” regarding the future of American involvement in Iraq. Perhaps someone should explain to the spoiled boy prince exactly what the words “working together” mean, and if you do, speak slowly, this is G.W. after all.
Republican Senators stood fast to their “compassionate conservative” credo by voting against a bill to raise the minimum wage unless it contained $8 billion in tax breaks for businesses. Well, at least those miserable bastards are honest about where their loyalties lie.
Rolling Stone magazine claimed this week that the Democrats would be hard pressed to find a presidential candidate better than Al Gore. This statement might have been worth taking seriously if it didn’t come from a publication that claims to be on the cutting edge of music, but regularly features Brittney Spears, Justin Timberlake, and other garbage pop stars/bands on its cover while ignoring the good artists in the underground.
Body images issues were big in international news this week as Great Britain said on Wednesday that they would not uphold the ban on waif-like models, because they didn’t want to hamper the creativity of designers. The British government claims that the onus falls on the fashion industry to police itself, because that policy has worked so well up until now. On the more sensible, polar opposite end of the argument, the Spanish government has ruled that store mannequins need to be fattened up to, at least, a size 10 in order to appear in shop windows. All I can say at this point is, “Viva la Espana!”
In keeping with their particular brand of journalistic integrity, Fox News blowhard, Neil Cavuto, hosted a gripping issues-oriented roundtable with a group of Hooters waitresses addressing such important topics like the recent beauty pageant scandals, the characteristics one needs to become a Hooters waitress, and why the world just seems to be so down on pretty women lately. Isn’t funny to see what happens when the official news network of the Bush Administration can’t even defend their boy, because no one’s buying their bullshit anymore and they don’t want to sacrifice ratings.
Porn stars are in a tussle about high definition television. Apparently, HDTV tends to reveal everything including skin irritations, stretch marks, and that random bullet wound scar that appears on one’s ass from having a life that led them to porn in the first place. Those who perform sex for money on film are now compensating through plastic surgery, extreme tanning, and better lighting, however, they do say that HDTV is an advantage, because it does make the experience of watching more real. If the porn industry has the desire to make the experience more real, instead of high-def, wouldn’t they be better served handing out lotion samples along with books on how to meet a real, living woman?
Germaphobes everywhere can breathe easier (if they are wearing their protective face masks). Scientists specializing in disease control have discovered that microwaving items such as the sponges, scrubbing pads, and towels used for cleaning, for two minutes will leave them 99% bacteria free. This process can now accompany lines of products such as anti-microbial pens, file folders, and trash cans with infrared sensors, in the fight against germs. Wouldn’t it just be easier to build up an immune system?
In Local News
A coffee stand in Tacoma is doing great business by having their baristas dress in barely there clothing. The gals say they make great tips and see nothing wrong with hocking their coochie for coffee. You know, when I was thrown to the ground and man-handled by two brutish police officers while being arrested for protesting all in an effort to give women greater freedom to determine their own destinies, this wasn’t exactly what I had in mind.
A man in Washington State was arrested for domestic violence after he used a stun gun on his wife’s 79 year old grandmother. The two were having a dispute over how to discipline the family’s toddler when he got pissed and let Granny have it. Seattle is a progressive, intelligent area, then there’s the rest of Washington.
Worthless Entertainment News
Well, buy me a crystal ball and call me Madame Zelda, a couple of weeks ago I predicted that within the year, David and Victoria Beckham would have their own reality show. It didn’t even take a month, and the two are in negotiations with Fox to have cameras following them 24/7 as they settle into their new lives in L.A. The show promises to be modeled after The Osbournes, only the music will be far worse.
The Donald Trump/Rosie O’Donnell publicity feud has ended just in time for entertainment news sources to get back to reporting on more important things like the fact that Lindsay Lohan keeps her removed appendix in a jar in her freezer. That’s just fucking twisted.
Quote of the Week
“The blonde hair she has now makes her look skinny.” – a PR rep for famous sitcom twin, Mary Kate Olsen, commenting on the star’s skeletal appearance at the Golden Globe Awards.
Under this same logic, the rep would probably have us believe that the moon is, indeed, made of cheese and that O.J. never laid a finger on his ex-wife. Anna Nicole Smith’s hair was its blondest while she was filming her TV show, and believe me, her body didn’t look a thing like Mary Kate’s. The sad thing is that Mary Kate is a young lady with fame, tons of money, and possibly a bright future (if she doesn’t keep depleting her body of calcium and iron), and the only thing this woman is concerned about is keeping her weight under 100 lbs.
Between Britain’s refusal to ban anorexic models, baristas using their bare bodies to sell lattes, and Hollywood’s silent requirement that all female actors look like whippets, I’m seriously thinking that Spain might be a better destination than California.
Resident Bush’s Tuesday night State-of-the-Union address claims that amongst other things, our economy is strong, there have been millions of new jobs created, the No Child Left Behind Act has produced successful results, and that he wants to work with the Democratic leadership to give more Americans better access to healthcare coverage and strengthen Medicare and Social Security. Funny, it seemed like just yesterday in his State-of-the-Union address in 2003 he promised to build government-funded healthcare clinics in every community in the U.S. It’s amazing what you can say when you don’t have things like truth and honesty standing in your way.
Just as a side note: less than 48 hours after delivering his Tuesday address expressing his desire to work with Democrats, Bushy made a statement in front of his generals that he was the “decision maker” regarding the future of American involvement in Iraq. Perhaps someone should explain to the spoiled boy prince exactly what the words “working together” mean, and if you do, speak slowly, this is G.W. after all.
Republican Senators stood fast to their “compassionate conservative” credo by voting against a bill to raise the minimum wage unless it contained $8 billion in tax breaks for businesses. Well, at least those miserable bastards are honest about where their loyalties lie.
Rolling Stone magazine claimed this week that the Democrats would be hard pressed to find a presidential candidate better than Al Gore. This statement might have been worth taking seriously if it didn’t come from a publication that claims to be on the cutting edge of music, but regularly features Brittney Spears, Justin Timberlake, and other garbage pop stars/bands on its cover while ignoring the good artists in the underground.
Body images issues were big in international news this week as Great Britain said on Wednesday that they would not uphold the ban on waif-like models, because they didn’t want to hamper the creativity of designers. The British government claims that the onus falls on the fashion industry to police itself, because that policy has worked so well up until now. On the more sensible, polar opposite end of the argument, the Spanish government has ruled that store mannequins need to be fattened up to, at least, a size 10 in order to appear in shop windows. All I can say at this point is, “Viva la Espana!”
In keeping with their particular brand of journalistic integrity, Fox News blowhard, Neil Cavuto, hosted a gripping issues-oriented roundtable with a group of Hooters waitresses addressing such important topics like the recent beauty pageant scandals, the characteristics one needs to become a Hooters waitress, and why the world just seems to be so down on pretty women lately. Isn’t funny to see what happens when the official news network of the Bush Administration can’t even defend their boy, because no one’s buying their bullshit anymore and they don’t want to sacrifice ratings.
Porn stars are in a tussle about high definition television. Apparently, HDTV tends to reveal everything including skin irritations, stretch marks, and that random bullet wound scar that appears on one’s ass from having a life that led them to porn in the first place. Those who perform sex for money on film are now compensating through plastic surgery, extreme tanning, and better lighting, however, they do say that HDTV is an advantage, because it does make the experience of watching more real. If the porn industry has the desire to make the experience more real, instead of high-def, wouldn’t they be better served handing out lotion samples along with books on how to meet a real, living woman?
Germaphobes everywhere can breathe easier (if they are wearing their protective face masks). Scientists specializing in disease control have discovered that microwaving items such as the sponges, scrubbing pads, and towels used for cleaning, for two minutes will leave them 99% bacteria free. This process can now accompany lines of products such as anti-microbial pens, file folders, and trash cans with infrared sensors, in the fight against germs. Wouldn’t it just be easier to build up an immune system?
In Local News
A coffee stand in Tacoma is doing great business by having their baristas dress in barely there clothing. The gals say they make great tips and see nothing wrong with hocking their coochie for coffee. You know, when I was thrown to the ground and man-handled by two brutish police officers while being arrested for protesting all in an effort to give women greater freedom to determine their own destinies, this wasn’t exactly what I had in mind.
A man in Washington State was arrested for domestic violence after he used a stun gun on his wife’s 79 year old grandmother. The two were having a dispute over how to discipline the family’s toddler when he got pissed and let Granny have it. Seattle is a progressive, intelligent area, then there’s the rest of Washington.
Worthless Entertainment News
Well, buy me a crystal ball and call me Madame Zelda, a couple of weeks ago I predicted that within the year, David and Victoria Beckham would have their own reality show. It didn’t even take a month, and the two are in negotiations with Fox to have cameras following them 24/7 as they settle into their new lives in L.A. The show promises to be modeled after The Osbournes, only the music will be far worse.
The Donald Trump/Rosie O’Donnell publicity feud has ended just in time for entertainment news sources to get back to reporting on more important things like the fact that Lindsay Lohan keeps her removed appendix in a jar in her freezer. That’s just fucking twisted.
Quote of the Week
“The blonde hair she has now makes her look skinny.” – a PR rep for famous sitcom twin, Mary Kate Olsen, commenting on the star’s skeletal appearance at the Golden Globe Awards.
Under this same logic, the rep would probably have us believe that the moon is, indeed, made of cheese and that O.J. never laid a finger on his ex-wife. Anna Nicole Smith’s hair was its blondest while she was filming her TV show, and believe me, her body didn’t look a thing like Mary Kate’s. The sad thing is that Mary Kate is a young lady with fame, tons of money, and possibly a bright future (if she doesn’t keep depleting her body of calcium and iron), and the only thing this woman is concerned about is keeping her weight under 100 lbs.
Between Britain’s refusal to ban anorexic models, baristas using their bare bodies to sell lattes, and Hollywood’s silent requirement that all female actors look like whippets, I’m seriously thinking that Spain might be a better destination than California.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Report Card
I’ve taken great pleasure in listening to the whining neocons go on and on about the Democrats since they took control at the beginning of January and restored the checks and balances system that was supposed to be a staple of our government. Don’t get me wrong, I have plenty of complaints about Democrats, but I have ten times the number of angry grumblings about Republicans, because of the way they all so quickly lied down and spread for an administration that has bordered on a dictatorship since the day it stole the election. I know Justice Scalia said we need to just “get over it”, but sorry, I’m a citizen that votes and pays taxes to uphold a system that is supposed to count my vote, so I’m not getting over it anytime soon, motherfucker.
Back to neocon whining, they have already begun tearing Dems apart on shit that hasn’t even happened, and continue to tout their golden boy, George W., as a knowledgeable president whose goal it is to bring the world closer to democracy, basically the neocons have completely lost their minds, and don’t get the fact that the American people have caught onto them.
Anyways, before the lies about Dems start spewing forth from the mouths of the neocons like diarrhea from a toddler’s ass (I’ll take the poppy baby butt any day), I think it’s only fair to give an accurate assessment of the job our Resident-in-Chief has been doing since taking office in 2000. Oh, and just for credibility purposes, which Bill O’Reilly constantly harps on, the sources for all of these stats are listed.
Here’s W’s report card:
ON INCOMES:
--Median household income in 2000: $47,599
--Median household income in 2005: $46,326
(US Census Bureau, Table H-8. Median Household Income by State: 1984 to 2005)
--Salary of a full-time minimum wage employee without vacation: $10,712
--Average time for top CEOs to earn that sum: 2.06 hours
(Forbes Magazine. "What the Boss Makes." April 20, 2006)
--Federal minimum wage in 2000: $5.15/hr
--Federal minimum wage in 2006: $5.15/hr
--Loss in purchasing power, full time worker annually: $1,562
ON ENERGY PRICES:
--Average price of home heating oil on Jan. 3, 2000: $1.15 per gallon
--Average price of home heating oil on Jan. 1, 2007: $2.42 per gallon
(U.S. Energy Information Admin. Jan. 4, 2007)
--Average price of gasoline on Jan. 3, 2000: $1.31 per gallon
--Average price of gasoline on Jan. 1, 2007: $2.38 per gallon
(U.S. Energy Information Admin. Jan. 5, 2007)
--Exxon Mobil profits in 2000: $7.9 billion
--Exxon Mobil profits in 2006: $36.1 billion
(CNNMoney.com, accessed Jan. 19, 2007)
ON EDUCATION:
--Average cost of a year at a public four-year college in 2000: $9,958
--Average cost of a year at a public four-year college in 2006: $12,796
(Costs include tuition, fees, room & board. MSN Money 2000/Associated Press. Jan. 14, 2005. College Board. Trends in College Pricing 2007)
ON HEALTH CARE COSTS:
--Americans without health insurance, 2000: 38.2 million
--Americans without health insurance, 2005: 46.6 million
(US Census Bureau, Sept. 2001; US Census Bureau, Aug. 2006)
--Average monthly worker contribution for family coverage in 2000: $135
--Average monthly worker contribution for family coverage in 2006: $248
--Personal bankruptcies due to medical bills: 55 percent
(The Kaiser Family Foundation, Sept. 26, 2006; Health Affairs Health Policy Journal, Feb. 2, 2005)
ON THE IRAQ WAR:
--Number of US troops killed in Iraq prior to “Mission Accomplished” speech in 2003: 139
--Number of US troops killed in Iraq as of Jan. 22, 2007: 3,056
--Number of Iraqi civilians killed in 2006, according to the United Nations: 34,452
(iCasualties.org, Jan. 22, 2007; U.N. Assistance Mission for Iraq, Jan. 16, 2006)
--Number of US troops wounded in Iraq prior to “Mission Accomplished” speech in 2003: 542
--Number of US troops wounded in Iraq as of January 10, 2007: 22,834
(iCasualties.org. Jan. 10, 2007)
--Total US military expenditures (including in Iraq and Afghanistan) in 2006: $522 billion
--Total military expenditures of the 10 next top spenders combined: $386 billion (Includes China, Russia, the UK, Japan, France, Germany, Saudi Arabia, South Korea, Italy, and Australia. Center for Arms Control and Non-Proliferation. Feb. 16, 2006.)
--U.S. Federal Discretionary Budget spent on Military not including Iraq, in 2006: 48.7 percent
--Amount spent on Education: 6.7 percent
(White House Office of Management and Budget, Feb. 6, 2006)
ON DEBTS AND DEFICITS:
--Monthly U.S. Trade Deficit in October 2000: $33.8 billion
--Monthly U.S. Trade Deficit in October 2006: $58.9 billion
(U.S. Census Bureau Foreign Trade Statistics. Jan. 10, 2007)
--U.S. Current Account Deficit, FY 2000: $435.4 billion
--U.S. Current Account Deficit, FY 2006: $900 billion
(Economic Policy Institute. March 14, 2001; Economic Policy Institute. March 14, 2006)
--Loss of value of U.S. dollar relative to the Euro, Jan. 24, 2000 to Jan. 23, 2006: 23 percent
(X-rate.com, accessed Jan. 23, 2006)
--US Budget Deficit in FY 2000: $230 billion surplus
--US Budget Deficit in FY 2006: $423 billion deficit
(White House Office of Management and Budget. Budget of the United States Government, Historical Tables, Fiscal Year 2007; White House Office of Management and Budget. Table S-1. 2006 budget totals)
--US National Debt in FY 2000: $5.7 trillion
--US National Debt in FY 2006: $8.5 trillion
(Bureau of the Public Debt, Jan. 16, 2007)
I guess Georgie forgot to read the Cliff’s Notes. If I was a teacher, I’d be torn; do I hold him back another year until he figures it out, or do I let him pass, because I don’t want to deal with him any longer than I have to. It doesn’t matter, because the one piece of rhetoric coming from the mainstream, corporate that rings true is the fact that George W. Bush is the worst present in U.S. history.
Many thanks to Frank at Democratic Socialists of America for the stats and sources.
Back to neocon whining, they have already begun tearing Dems apart on shit that hasn’t even happened, and continue to tout their golden boy, George W., as a knowledgeable president whose goal it is to bring the world closer to democracy, basically the neocons have completely lost their minds, and don’t get the fact that the American people have caught onto them.
Anyways, before the lies about Dems start spewing forth from the mouths of the neocons like diarrhea from a toddler’s ass (I’ll take the poppy baby butt any day), I think it’s only fair to give an accurate assessment of the job our Resident-in-Chief has been doing since taking office in 2000. Oh, and just for credibility purposes, which Bill O’Reilly constantly harps on, the sources for all of these stats are listed.
Here’s W’s report card:
ON INCOMES:
--Median household income in 2000: $47,599
--Median household income in 2005: $46,326
(US Census Bureau, Table H-8. Median Household Income by State: 1984 to 2005)
--Salary of a full-time minimum wage employee without vacation: $10,712
--Average time for top CEOs to earn that sum: 2.06 hours
(Forbes Magazine. "What the Boss Makes." April 20, 2006)
--Federal minimum wage in 2000: $5.15/hr
--Federal minimum wage in 2006: $5.15/hr
--Loss in purchasing power, full time worker annually: $1,562
ON ENERGY PRICES:
--Average price of home heating oil on Jan. 3, 2000: $1.15 per gallon
--Average price of home heating oil on Jan. 1, 2007: $2.42 per gallon
(U.S. Energy Information Admin. Jan. 4, 2007)
--Average price of gasoline on Jan. 3, 2000: $1.31 per gallon
--Average price of gasoline on Jan. 1, 2007: $2.38 per gallon
(U.S. Energy Information Admin. Jan. 5, 2007)
--Exxon Mobil profits in 2000: $7.9 billion
--Exxon Mobil profits in 2006: $36.1 billion
(CNNMoney.com, accessed Jan. 19, 2007)
ON EDUCATION:
--Average cost of a year at a public four-year college in 2000: $9,958
--Average cost of a year at a public four-year college in 2006: $12,796
(Costs include tuition, fees, room & board. MSN Money 2000/Associated Press. Jan. 14, 2005. College Board. Trends in College Pricing 2007)
ON HEALTH CARE COSTS:
--Americans without health insurance, 2000: 38.2 million
--Americans without health insurance, 2005: 46.6 million
(US Census Bureau, Sept. 2001; US Census Bureau, Aug. 2006)
--Average monthly worker contribution for family coverage in 2000: $135
--Average monthly worker contribution for family coverage in 2006: $248
--Personal bankruptcies due to medical bills: 55 percent
(The Kaiser Family Foundation, Sept. 26, 2006; Health Affairs Health Policy Journal, Feb. 2, 2005)
ON THE IRAQ WAR:
--Number of US troops killed in Iraq prior to “Mission Accomplished” speech in 2003: 139
--Number of US troops killed in Iraq as of Jan. 22, 2007: 3,056
--Number of Iraqi civilians killed in 2006, according to the United Nations: 34,452
(iCasualties.org, Jan. 22, 2007; U.N. Assistance Mission for Iraq, Jan. 16, 2006)
--Number of US troops wounded in Iraq prior to “Mission Accomplished” speech in 2003: 542
--Number of US troops wounded in Iraq as of January 10, 2007: 22,834
(iCasualties.org. Jan. 10, 2007)
--Total US military expenditures (including in Iraq and Afghanistan) in 2006: $522 billion
--Total military expenditures of the 10 next top spenders combined: $386 billion (Includes China, Russia, the UK, Japan, France, Germany, Saudi Arabia, South Korea, Italy, and Australia. Center for Arms Control and Non-Proliferation. Feb. 16, 2006.)
--U.S. Federal Discretionary Budget spent on Military not including Iraq, in 2006: 48.7 percent
--Amount spent on Education: 6.7 percent
(White House Office of Management and Budget, Feb. 6, 2006)
ON DEBTS AND DEFICITS:
--Monthly U.S. Trade Deficit in October 2000: $33.8 billion
--Monthly U.S. Trade Deficit in October 2006: $58.9 billion
(U.S. Census Bureau Foreign Trade Statistics. Jan. 10, 2007)
--U.S. Current Account Deficit, FY 2000: $435.4 billion
--U.S. Current Account Deficit, FY 2006: $900 billion
(Economic Policy Institute. March 14, 2001; Economic Policy Institute. March 14, 2006)
--Loss of value of U.S. dollar relative to the Euro, Jan. 24, 2000 to Jan. 23, 2006: 23 percent
(X-rate.com, accessed Jan. 23, 2006)
--US Budget Deficit in FY 2000: $230 billion surplus
--US Budget Deficit in FY 2006: $423 billion deficit
(White House Office of Management and Budget. Budget of the United States Government, Historical Tables, Fiscal Year 2007; White House Office of Management and Budget. Table S-1. 2006 budget totals)
--US National Debt in FY 2000: $5.7 trillion
--US National Debt in FY 2006: $8.5 trillion
(Bureau of the Public Debt, Jan. 16, 2007)
I guess Georgie forgot to read the Cliff’s Notes. If I was a teacher, I’d be torn; do I hold him back another year until he figures it out, or do I let him pass, because I don’t want to deal with him any longer than I have to. It doesn’t matter, because the one piece of rhetoric coming from the mainstream, corporate that rings true is the fact that George W. Bush is the worst present in U.S. history.
Many thanks to Frank at Democratic Socialists of America for the stats and sources.
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Leni Dearest
Since the earliest I can remember, I find myself in interesting, odd situations that have come to be known as Seinfeld moments. They are bizarre, yet low key, situational circumstances that had they been written by Larry David and acted out on the small screen by Jerry, Elaine, George or Kramer would bring about the type of hysterical laughing that causes one to shoot soda through your nose.
Last night was a quintessential Seinfeld moment. My friend, Monica, invited me to see a silent movie. In Seattle, the Paramount Theater runs various silent movie series where they have a guy playing an authentic Wurlitzer organ through the entire movie and have someone narrating the titles if they aren’t in English. This was going to be a very cool experience.
We had dinner, and made sure we got to the theater in time to grab good seats. Monica had purchased tickets for the series of three movies not knowing what the movies were or their content. When they handed us the program, we found out Monica’s film trio were German existentialist pictures, which seemed very interesting. She had missed the first one due to a nasty snowstorm that paralyzed the city, but we were at the second one in the series.
I was looking through the program reading the description of our film, The White Hell of Pitz Palu, while a professor of theater arts introed the film. The movie was made in 1929…okay, definitely authentic. It was considered the ultimate mountaineer movie of it’s time…hmmm, pre-Cliffhanger or all those ski films from the ‘80s, I can believe it. In the role of the female lead is a young Leni Riefenstahl…okay Leni, what the fuck!
My horrified gasp must have been noticeable, because Monica immediately turned to me with wide eyes exclaiming, “What?” For those of you who aren’t familiar with the name Leni Riefenstahl, let me fill you in. This beautiful, doe-eyed gal we were about to watch for a full two hours might have been climbing the snowy caps of Pitz Palu in 1929, but by 1935 she was producing, directing, writing and editing Triumph of the Will; the film that served as the ultimate tool by the Nazis to deify Adolf Hitler and the entire Nazi movement. Leni Dearest would end up becoming the unofficial filmmaker for the Third Reich spreading Hitler’s propaganda, and defending her work and involvement until her death in 2003 at the age of 101 (bastards do tend to live forever).
Monica asked if I wanted to leave, but I opted to stay. I knew how much she was looking forward to this experience, besides I’m open-minded, and Leni wasn’t a Nazi at that point. There should have been a device recording the running commentary in my head during the movie, again, it would have been the stuff Jerry could have made a mint on.
When Leni appears on the screen playing the young newlywed, I looked up thinking, so young, so sweet, little did they know she end up being a Nazi whore. The scene where she, her new groom, and the experienced mountain climber are trapped on an icy hill freezing made me smile as I thought, too bad the bitch really didn’t freeze to death on that hill. Maybe I was being a touch judgmental, but after the fall of the Third Reich, Leni came out publicly saying she was never a member of the Nazi Party (she just let them finance her films, and had an intimate working relationship with Hitler), and she stood by her work (because, damn it, those shots of SS marching lockstep were lit just perfectly). Leni Dearest also said she was never anti-Semitic, but they always say stuff like that when the Nazi Hunters come a knockin’.
I’m sure there are tons of film geeks out there who would love to tear me a new ass for ripping on Leni given her reputation as a filmmaker, so I’ll admit it, after two hours of watching black and white shots of the icy Alps with anticlimactic organ music playing in the background, I am unable to separate the woman from her legacy as a Nazi spin machine, and I guarantee I’ll never sit through another Leni Riefenstahl movie again. Thankfully, I have the sense of humor that prevented me from yelling, “fucking Nazi bitch” as the film came to a close.
Last night was a quintessential Seinfeld moment. My friend, Monica, invited me to see a silent movie. In Seattle, the Paramount Theater runs various silent movie series where they have a guy playing an authentic Wurlitzer organ through the entire movie and have someone narrating the titles if they aren’t in English. This was going to be a very cool experience.
We had dinner, and made sure we got to the theater in time to grab good seats. Monica had purchased tickets for the series of three movies not knowing what the movies were or their content. When they handed us the program, we found out Monica’s film trio were German existentialist pictures, which seemed very interesting. She had missed the first one due to a nasty snowstorm that paralyzed the city, but we were at the second one in the series.
I was looking through the program reading the description of our film, The White Hell of Pitz Palu, while a professor of theater arts introed the film. The movie was made in 1929…okay, definitely authentic. It was considered the ultimate mountaineer movie of it’s time…hmmm, pre-Cliffhanger or all those ski films from the ‘80s, I can believe it. In the role of the female lead is a young Leni Riefenstahl…okay Leni, what the fuck!
My horrified gasp must have been noticeable, because Monica immediately turned to me with wide eyes exclaiming, “What?” For those of you who aren’t familiar with the name Leni Riefenstahl, let me fill you in. This beautiful, doe-eyed gal we were about to watch for a full two hours might have been climbing the snowy caps of Pitz Palu in 1929, but by 1935 she was producing, directing, writing and editing Triumph of the Will; the film that served as the ultimate tool by the Nazis to deify Adolf Hitler and the entire Nazi movement. Leni Dearest would end up becoming the unofficial filmmaker for the Third Reich spreading Hitler’s propaganda, and defending her work and involvement until her death in 2003 at the age of 101 (bastards do tend to live forever).
Monica asked if I wanted to leave, but I opted to stay. I knew how much she was looking forward to this experience, besides I’m open-minded, and Leni wasn’t a Nazi at that point. There should have been a device recording the running commentary in my head during the movie, again, it would have been the stuff Jerry could have made a mint on.
When Leni appears on the screen playing the young newlywed, I looked up thinking, so young, so sweet, little did they know she end up being a Nazi whore. The scene where she, her new groom, and the experienced mountain climber are trapped on an icy hill freezing made me smile as I thought, too bad the bitch really didn’t freeze to death on that hill. Maybe I was being a touch judgmental, but after the fall of the Third Reich, Leni came out publicly saying she was never a member of the Nazi Party (she just let them finance her films, and had an intimate working relationship with Hitler), and she stood by her work (because, damn it, those shots of SS marching lockstep were lit just perfectly). Leni Dearest also said she was never anti-Semitic, but they always say stuff like that when the Nazi Hunters come a knockin’.
I’m sure there are tons of film geeks out there who would love to tear me a new ass for ripping on Leni given her reputation as a filmmaker, so I’ll admit it, after two hours of watching black and white shots of the icy Alps with anticlimactic organ music playing in the background, I am unable to separate the woman from her legacy as a Nazi spin machine, and I guarantee I’ll never sit through another Leni Riefenstahl movie again. Thankfully, I have the sense of humor that prevented me from yelling, “fucking Nazi bitch” as the film came to a close.
Friday, January 19, 2007
Weekly Recap 1/15-20: Beauty Pageant Blunders & Dumb Drivers
Headline News Recap
Beauty pageants seem to be doomed these days as another beauty queen, Miss New Jersey Ashley Harder, stepped down this week, because it was discovered she was pregnant with her live-in boyfriend’s baby. This comes in the wake of the racy internet photos that cost Miss Nevada USA Katie Rees her crown, and Miss USA Tara Conner her reputation after being caught drinking and cavorting in New York City bars. All of this beauty pageant mishegas makes one wonder, why the hell do we still have beauty pageants in this day and age? Aren’t these broads really just a rhinestone headdress away from a stint on one of those Girl Gone Wild videos?
We can now officially tell anyone who denies global warming to go fuck themselves as snow appeared in Malibu this week. There is speculation that President Bush plans to refute the idea of global warming in his next State of the Union address, and this idea might be received by some people, if they weren’t freezing their asses off in their Bermuda shorts. With snow hitting areas like Arizona, Southern California, and heat waves running through the East Coast, while severe weather wipes out 50 people in the Midwest, global warming not only exists, it’s kicking our ass! Kyoto Treaty Now!
MySpace is set to release software that will allow parents to view details of their child’s profile causing some activists to call into question whether parents should be allowed to invade their child’s privacy. So here’s the deal, as a parent, my rules are simple: you live in my house, eat my food, I pay your bills, provide the computer, and when you want privacy rights, you can move out and take responsibility for your own expenses or move in with those so-called activists, end of story.
The Democrats made good on their promise to get something done in their first 100 hours in power, including rescinding $14 billion in tax substitutes to oil companies. The Dems, instead, decided to use that money to invest in alternative energy science, or as Resident Bush likes to put it, they took money away from hard working people in the oil industry and gave it to the un-American terrorists developing new ways to burn the American flag. He would also like to know why we can’t send the $14 billion to Iraq.
A judge ruled this week that trying to jump off the Empire State Building is not depraved enough to be a crime. The case was brought when a “daredevil” was arrested for attempting the stunt last April, which leads me to wonder, exactly what can we arrest David Blaine for?
Outgoing Republican National Committee Chair, Ken Mehlman, warned that if the GOP doesn’t reach out to minorities and address voters’ concerns about ethics and the war that they would suffer further defeats. You see Ken, it’s that kind of logical thinking and reasoning that cost you your job in the first place. In the party of George W. Bush, there is no place for factual information or concern for the average American. Better luck next time Kenny.
In Local News
Despite the remainder of the snow melting away on Thursday leaving the roads with a normal coat of Seattle wetness, drivers were still acting like senior citizens on Valium driving at a brisk pace of 25 miles per hour and breaking every few yards just to be safe. This behavior left me feeling very pro-nuclear and wondering why the fuck people in the Northwest bother to drive at all.
Worthless Entertainment News
Donald Trump got his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame this week, which makes perfect sense since he is known for such thespian qualities like saying “You’re Fired” on a reality show, and enhancing the public dialog by carrying on a feud with a humorous lesbian. How much do you think The Donald paid for that star?
Hugh Hefner and his girlfriend (one of the three), Holly Madison, are considering having a child next year. Hef, who is 81, says that Holly really wants a kid and he is willing to oblige. Okay, enough already. Look Hef, we know, you’re an old guy, and you’re getting laid by hot, 20-something ass. You’ve got a ton of that hot ass, and it’s all yours and they lay around naked all over your house, and you are a total stud who parties with hot chicks. Stop with the kid business already, because as much as you want everyone to know you’re getting laid, everyone is still grossed out by the thought of 81-year-old balls.
Quote of the Week
“This raises a set of very difficult medical and ethical questions.” – Thomas Murray who heads a bioethics think tank commenting on the U.S.’s first womb transplant.
This surgery is risky, and doesn’t ensure successful pregnancies, in fact, the rate of failure and complication is far greater than the rate of success, but the positive thing is that instead of putting time and energy into curing breast cancer, heart disease, or other health issues that effect women, the world is focusing on making sure women can have babies, because what’s the use of having your health if you can’t be pregnant at some point. What year are we living in for G-d’s sake!?!
Beauty pageants seem to be doomed these days as another beauty queen, Miss New Jersey Ashley Harder, stepped down this week, because it was discovered she was pregnant with her live-in boyfriend’s baby. This comes in the wake of the racy internet photos that cost Miss Nevada USA Katie Rees her crown, and Miss USA Tara Conner her reputation after being caught drinking and cavorting in New York City bars. All of this beauty pageant mishegas makes one wonder, why the hell do we still have beauty pageants in this day and age? Aren’t these broads really just a rhinestone headdress away from a stint on one of those Girl Gone Wild videos?
We can now officially tell anyone who denies global warming to go fuck themselves as snow appeared in Malibu this week. There is speculation that President Bush plans to refute the idea of global warming in his next State of the Union address, and this idea might be received by some people, if they weren’t freezing their asses off in their Bermuda shorts. With snow hitting areas like Arizona, Southern California, and heat waves running through the East Coast, while severe weather wipes out 50 people in the Midwest, global warming not only exists, it’s kicking our ass! Kyoto Treaty Now!
MySpace is set to release software that will allow parents to view details of their child’s profile causing some activists to call into question whether parents should be allowed to invade their child’s privacy. So here’s the deal, as a parent, my rules are simple: you live in my house, eat my food, I pay your bills, provide the computer, and when you want privacy rights, you can move out and take responsibility for your own expenses or move in with those so-called activists, end of story.
The Democrats made good on their promise to get something done in their first 100 hours in power, including rescinding $14 billion in tax substitutes to oil companies. The Dems, instead, decided to use that money to invest in alternative energy science, or as Resident Bush likes to put it, they took money away from hard working people in the oil industry and gave it to the un-American terrorists developing new ways to burn the American flag. He would also like to know why we can’t send the $14 billion to Iraq.
A judge ruled this week that trying to jump off the Empire State Building is not depraved enough to be a crime. The case was brought when a “daredevil” was arrested for attempting the stunt last April, which leads me to wonder, exactly what can we arrest David Blaine for?
Outgoing Republican National Committee Chair, Ken Mehlman, warned that if the GOP doesn’t reach out to minorities and address voters’ concerns about ethics and the war that they would suffer further defeats. You see Ken, it’s that kind of logical thinking and reasoning that cost you your job in the first place. In the party of George W. Bush, there is no place for factual information or concern for the average American. Better luck next time Kenny.
In Local News
Despite the remainder of the snow melting away on Thursday leaving the roads with a normal coat of Seattle wetness, drivers were still acting like senior citizens on Valium driving at a brisk pace of 25 miles per hour and breaking every few yards just to be safe. This behavior left me feeling very pro-nuclear and wondering why the fuck people in the Northwest bother to drive at all.
Worthless Entertainment News
Donald Trump got his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame this week, which makes perfect sense since he is known for such thespian qualities like saying “You’re Fired” on a reality show, and enhancing the public dialog by carrying on a feud with a humorous lesbian. How much do you think The Donald paid for that star?
Hugh Hefner and his girlfriend (one of the three), Holly Madison, are considering having a child next year. Hef, who is 81, says that Holly really wants a kid and he is willing to oblige. Okay, enough already. Look Hef, we know, you’re an old guy, and you’re getting laid by hot, 20-something ass. You’ve got a ton of that hot ass, and it’s all yours and they lay around naked all over your house, and you are a total stud who parties with hot chicks. Stop with the kid business already, because as much as you want everyone to know you’re getting laid, everyone is still grossed out by the thought of 81-year-old balls.
Quote of the Week
“This raises a set of very difficult medical and ethical questions.” – Thomas Murray who heads a bioethics think tank commenting on the U.S.’s first womb transplant.
This surgery is risky, and doesn’t ensure successful pregnancies, in fact, the rate of failure and complication is far greater than the rate of success, but the positive thing is that instead of putting time and energy into curing breast cancer, heart disease, or other health issues that effect women, the world is focusing on making sure women can have babies, because what’s the use of having your health if you can’t be pregnant at some point. What year are we living in for G-d’s sake!?!
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
It's the Little Things That Are So Annoying
I get annoyed by something on a daily basis, and not by big things, like the fact that my husband calls me every hour on my cell phone or that my daughter has to fight me on everything I tell her. Instead I get steamed by the little things that, if they would only disappear, would make my life much more tolerable.
Kiwi Hair – You want to have a nice, refreshing piece of fruit, so you pick out a kiwi with the perfect amount of firmness/right amount of squishiness. You place it on your counter, and the moment you pick it up, it looks like the business end of your razor after a week-long camping trip. The worst part is that those little hairs never seem to wipe away easy. Nope, there you are 15 minutes later trying to get the last of the kiwi hairs off your counter. That’s a whole 15 minutes of your life you will never get back thanks to kiwi hair.
Messages on my Maxi Pads – So I’m in the bathroom taking care of business during that time of the month. I look down as I’m changing my pad only to see a little message printed in pastel green on the paper covering the adhesive part that says (and I’m not kidding), “Have a Happy Period.” What the fuck! I realize that we are now living in some kind of P.C., touchy-feely, nothing’s taboo, ‘girlfriends rule’ world, but why the hell would anyone in their right mind wish a woman a “happy period.” Some guy must have come up with this, because if a woman marketing exec approached her friends with this idea, they would have slapped her.
Periods are nothing to be happy about. For a week leading up to it, I am bloated so bad that my normally perfect fitting pants cut off circulation to the upper half of my body; no position I sit or lay in is comfortable, I’m so hungry I could eat the furniture, and I want to kill every living thing in site. Relief does come along with Aunt Flow, but it’s messy and gross, and absolutely nothing to be happy about. A note to the Marketing Department at Always: pads are a necessary evil, so just skip the happy period messages, and put them in a convenient location at the grocery store.
Dry Winter Skin – I’ve made an important scientific discovery! The reason why it rains so much in Seattle is because this area sucks all of the moisture from the skin of its inhabitants and drops it from the sky. Everyone in my house is itchy, even the dog. This time of year is brutal. I Carmex the hell out of my lips every night before bed, and it doesn’t help. By mid-morning they look as cracked and brittle as Carmen Electra’s makeup after a 72 hour party binger. No amount of lotion can help my family’s dry skin, and feeling scaly does nothing for the libido. I was always under the belief that those who dwelled by the water had radiant skin, but now I realize that the radiance I saw was just mounds of lavender and sea breeze scented skin cream glistening in those famous Northwest sunbreaks.
Emo Music – Last night I was hard at work designing the invitation for my upcoming gala, and I decided to turn on the television and find some music to keep me company. Since MTV hasn’t played music in about 10 years, I turned to VH-1. All I can say is, “The Horror! The Horror!” I’m not some sort of hardcore punk snob that can’t appreciate emo, I’ve been known to sing along to a Dashboard Confessional song or two, but this latest crop of emo boy bands has got to go.
The Feeling, Panic! At The Disco, Taking Back Sunday, the list seems to go on forever, and none of it has a happy ending. Not only do they all sound the same, they all look the same, too, it’s so weird. The guys in these bands are all skinny dudes with this choppy croppy black hair, wearing black eyeliner, sporting lame ass tattoos that you know they are going to have removed in about five years, and they are all filmed looking like they are about to cry.
I didn’t mind the whole metrosexual craze when it was more of a pop music thing, but when so-called “punk” musicians start sounding like whining pussies, then I have to take a stand. Listen guys, if you want to make music people might actually take seriously, stop shaving your balls, wearing unisex perfume, and caring about who designed your shoes, and get yourself back to reality with some Minor Threat, Black Flag, Circle Jerks, The Misfits, and other real punk bands that you don’t need to have a happy period to listen to.
Kiwi Hair – You want to have a nice, refreshing piece of fruit, so you pick out a kiwi with the perfect amount of firmness/right amount of squishiness. You place it on your counter, and the moment you pick it up, it looks like the business end of your razor after a week-long camping trip. The worst part is that those little hairs never seem to wipe away easy. Nope, there you are 15 minutes later trying to get the last of the kiwi hairs off your counter. That’s a whole 15 minutes of your life you will never get back thanks to kiwi hair.
Messages on my Maxi Pads – So I’m in the bathroom taking care of business during that time of the month. I look down as I’m changing my pad only to see a little message printed in pastel green on the paper covering the adhesive part that says (and I’m not kidding), “Have a Happy Period.” What the fuck! I realize that we are now living in some kind of P.C., touchy-feely, nothing’s taboo, ‘girlfriends rule’ world, but why the hell would anyone in their right mind wish a woman a “happy period.” Some guy must have come up with this, because if a woman marketing exec approached her friends with this idea, they would have slapped her.
Periods are nothing to be happy about. For a week leading up to it, I am bloated so bad that my normally perfect fitting pants cut off circulation to the upper half of my body; no position I sit or lay in is comfortable, I’m so hungry I could eat the furniture, and I want to kill every living thing in site. Relief does come along with Aunt Flow, but it’s messy and gross, and absolutely nothing to be happy about. A note to the Marketing Department at Always: pads are a necessary evil, so just skip the happy period messages, and put them in a convenient location at the grocery store.
Dry Winter Skin – I’ve made an important scientific discovery! The reason why it rains so much in Seattle is because this area sucks all of the moisture from the skin of its inhabitants and drops it from the sky. Everyone in my house is itchy, even the dog. This time of year is brutal. I Carmex the hell out of my lips every night before bed, and it doesn’t help. By mid-morning they look as cracked and brittle as Carmen Electra’s makeup after a 72 hour party binger. No amount of lotion can help my family’s dry skin, and feeling scaly does nothing for the libido. I was always under the belief that those who dwelled by the water had radiant skin, but now I realize that the radiance I saw was just mounds of lavender and sea breeze scented skin cream glistening in those famous Northwest sunbreaks.
Emo Music – Last night I was hard at work designing the invitation for my upcoming gala, and I decided to turn on the television and find some music to keep me company. Since MTV hasn’t played music in about 10 years, I turned to VH-1. All I can say is, “The Horror! The Horror!” I’m not some sort of hardcore punk snob that can’t appreciate emo, I’ve been known to sing along to a Dashboard Confessional song or two, but this latest crop of emo boy bands has got to go.
The Feeling, Panic! At The Disco, Taking Back Sunday, the list seems to go on forever, and none of it has a happy ending. Not only do they all sound the same, they all look the same, too, it’s so weird. The guys in these bands are all skinny dudes with this choppy croppy black hair, wearing black eyeliner, sporting lame ass tattoos that you know they are going to have removed in about five years, and they are all filmed looking like they are about to cry.
I didn’t mind the whole metrosexual craze when it was more of a pop music thing, but when so-called “punk” musicians start sounding like whining pussies, then I have to take a stand. Listen guys, if you want to make music people might actually take seriously, stop shaving your balls, wearing unisex perfume, and caring about who designed your shoes, and get yourself back to reality with some Minor Threat, Black Flag, Circle Jerks, The Misfits, and other real punk bands that you don’t need to have a happy period to listen to.
Saturday, January 13, 2007
Weekly Recap 1/7-14: iPhone Hype & Beaconing Beckham
Headline News Recap
Aside from a speech that most political strategists would label as a complete act of idiocy, Resident Bush was on his moron high-horse this week giving the green light to oil drilling in Bristol Bay, Alaska. Bristol Bay happens to be known for its striking beauty as well as home to endangered whales and the largest run of sockeye salmon in the world. According to environmental groups, scientists, and anyone with a brain, the extraction of oil and natural gas will wreak havoc on Bristol Bay’s ecosystem, and endanger vital food supplies, but hey, at least some big oil barons will finally get to own their Las Vegas dream penthouse.
ABC News reporter Amanda Congdon was tasered at a consumer electronics show this week at a booth where people could voluntarily be tasered to see what it feels like. Okay, now that Amanda’s been tasered, can we do those bastards who did that biased 9/11 movie blaming the Clinton Administration for the Towers attack?
In an effort to not look like a bunch of greedy schmucks, the House introduced a bill that would raise the minimum wage from $5.15 per hour to $7.25 per hour over a two-year time period. Basically, by the time the minimum wage increase comes to fruition, there will be another ten-year fight to increase it to something people can actually live on, but never fear, those who represent us will still end up with a sweet six-figure income and benefits for life.
Apple, this week, pretended to stifle hype over its new iPhone. Apple G-d, Steve Jobs says that the iPhone, like its musical counterpart, the iPod, will have us re-thinking the way we use cell phones. In other words, everyone be on alert, because there is a new technology gadget ready to hit the market that our kids will be able to operate better than we will, and it will be far more complicated than the piece of shit we have right now. It will also cost more, and most likely, get worse reception.
The U.S. Embassy in Greece was bombed this week making me think that someone better fund Nia Vardalos’ next film project, and they’d better do it soon.
Rex Farrance, the Senior Editor of PC World magazine was murdered in his San Francisco home on Tuesday night by four masked, armed men. I’m no regular viewer of CSI, but if those men were carrying iPhones, I’d seriously consider questioning Steve Jobs.
The Senate, this week, passed a bill canceling pensions for Congressmen convicted of serious ethics violations such as bribery and conspiracy. How about attaching a term limits clause for those benefits, as well as a performance evaluation. If you do a shitty job, then I don’t have to pay your lifetime healthcare benefit. How ‘bout that!
In Local News
This week’s Recap was delayed due to a severe snowstorm that hit the Seattle area leaving the author trapped in the house for two days with her crazy ass toddler. Due to said entrapment, she was mentally unable to do anything accept wonder why she decided to have kids in the first place. Her life used to be so peaceful, her house used to be so clean, she never used to spend a half hour making pancakes for a demanding kid only to have the kid completely reject the meal once it was on the plate. Why, G-d, why! Where’s that home tube-tying kit when you need it!
Worthless Entertainment News
Every U.S. tabloid magazine staff was on cloud nine this week when it was announced that British football/soccer superstar David Beckham signed with the L.A. Galaxy for five years. Beckham and his Spice Girl wife will be hitting our shores just in time for the mainstream media to ignore all of the positive changes the Democrats are attempting to make, and instead report important things like what color drapes Posh will choose for her mansion’s sitting room.
Madonna weighed in on the “no undies” trend this week saying that she just doesn’t get it. Now you know that Hollywood has become some kind of wretched, skanky cesspool when Madonna frowns on it.
Paula Abdul was caught drinking and interviewing on Seattle’s Q13 Morning News show this week. Hey, cut Paula a break. You’d be drunk at 8:00 AM too if you had to work with that asshole Simon Cowell, listen to all of those pathetic contestants caterwauling miserably, and had to be perky about it. In fact, next time she comes through, I’ll be the first one to pass poor Paula a Long Island Iced Tea, because she needs it.
Quote of the Week
“I want to contribute to the world of ideas.” – Former Senator Rick Santorum on his new job as the Director of the American’s Enemies Program for the Ethics and Public Policy Center, a right-wing Washington D.C. think tank.
If by new ideas, he means branding gays with pink triangles and quashing their rights, while at the same time relegating women to second class citizens, and on top of that, killing foreigners, enforcing extremist Christian law, and making anyone with a creative thought that isn’t, what he considers, moral, illegal and punishable by prison, then I guess Santorum is your idea man.
Aside from a speech that most political strategists would label as a complete act of idiocy, Resident Bush was on his moron high-horse this week giving the green light to oil drilling in Bristol Bay, Alaska. Bristol Bay happens to be known for its striking beauty as well as home to endangered whales and the largest run of sockeye salmon in the world. According to environmental groups, scientists, and anyone with a brain, the extraction of oil and natural gas will wreak havoc on Bristol Bay’s ecosystem, and endanger vital food supplies, but hey, at least some big oil barons will finally get to own their Las Vegas dream penthouse.
ABC News reporter Amanda Congdon was tasered at a consumer electronics show this week at a booth where people could voluntarily be tasered to see what it feels like. Okay, now that Amanda’s been tasered, can we do those bastards who did that biased 9/11 movie blaming the Clinton Administration for the Towers attack?
In an effort to not look like a bunch of greedy schmucks, the House introduced a bill that would raise the minimum wage from $5.15 per hour to $7.25 per hour over a two-year time period. Basically, by the time the minimum wage increase comes to fruition, there will be another ten-year fight to increase it to something people can actually live on, but never fear, those who represent us will still end up with a sweet six-figure income and benefits for life.
Apple, this week, pretended to stifle hype over its new iPhone. Apple G-d, Steve Jobs says that the iPhone, like its musical counterpart, the iPod, will have us re-thinking the way we use cell phones. In other words, everyone be on alert, because there is a new technology gadget ready to hit the market that our kids will be able to operate better than we will, and it will be far more complicated than the piece of shit we have right now. It will also cost more, and most likely, get worse reception.
The U.S. Embassy in Greece was bombed this week making me think that someone better fund Nia Vardalos’ next film project, and they’d better do it soon.
Rex Farrance, the Senior Editor of PC World magazine was murdered in his San Francisco home on Tuesday night by four masked, armed men. I’m no regular viewer of CSI, but if those men were carrying iPhones, I’d seriously consider questioning Steve Jobs.
The Senate, this week, passed a bill canceling pensions for Congressmen convicted of serious ethics violations such as bribery and conspiracy. How about attaching a term limits clause for those benefits, as well as a performance evaluation. If you do a shitty job, then I don’t have to pay your lifetime healthcare benefit. How ‘bout that!
In Local News
This week’s Recap was delayed due to a severe snowstorm that hit the Seattle area leaving the author trapped in the house for two days with her crazy ass toddler. Due to said entrapment, she was mentally unable to do anything accept wonder why she decided to have kids in the first place. Her life used to be so peaceful, her house used to be so clean, she never used to spend a half hour making pancakes for a demanding kid only to have the kid completely reject the meal once it was on the plate. Why, G-d, why! Where’s that home tube-tying kit when you need it!
Worthless Entertainment News
Every U.S. tabloid magazine staff was on cloud nine this week when it was announced that British football/soccer superstar David Beckham signed with the L.A. Galaxy for five years. Beckham and his Spice Girl wife will be hitting our shores just in time for the mainstream media to ignore all of the positive changes the Democrats are attempting to make, and instead report important things like what color drapes Posh will choose for her mansion’s sitting room.
Madonna weighed in on the “no undies” trend this week saying that she just doesn’t get it. Now you know that Hollywood has become some kind of wretched, skanky cesspool when Madonna frowns on it.
Paula Abdul was caught drinking and interviewing on Seattle’s Q13 Morning News show this week. Hey, cut Paula a break. You’d be drunk at 8:00 AM too if you had to work with that asshole Simon Cowell, listen to all of those pathetic contestants caterwauling miserably, and had to be perky about it. In fact, next time she comes through, I’ll be the first one to pass poor Paula a Long Island Iced Tea, because she needs it.
Quote of the Week
“I want to contribute to the world of ideas.” – Former Senator Rick Santorum on his new job as the Director of the American’s Enemies Program for the Ethics and Public Policy Center, a right-wing Washington D.C. think tank.
If by new ideas, he means branding gays with pink triangles and quashing their rights, while at the same time relegating women to second class citizens, and on top of that, killing foreigners, enforcing extremist Christian law, and making anyone with a creative thought that isn’t, what he considers, moral, illegal and punishable by prison, then I guess Santorum is your idea man.
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Dumb As a Box of Rocks
He just doesn’t fucking get it, does he! Just two months after an election that would have brought about anarchy in a less civilized country, and our Resident-in-Thief has stuck to his “stay the course” strategy by coming up with a plan to send 20,000+ more troops to Iraq and give them $1.6 billion of our tax dollars to spend on social programs. This coming from a guy who championed cutting benefits to grandparents in our country (the one he happens to be president of) who are struggling to raise grandchildren.
I never trusted this Iraq thing from the beginning, and no, I’m not one of those people who are saying that now, because the war is unpopular. When Bush & Company stole the election in 2000, my first response was that Saddam Hussein better find himself a villa in the middle of nowhere, because it was only a matter of time before Sonny Boy would seek to beat Daddy’s legacy.
Here we are, four years later, fighting this so-called War on Terror, and giving our fundamentalist enemies in the Middle East more propaganda fodder than they could have ever wished for. This war has been a strategic, financial, moral and philosophical disaster, but our genius at the top keeps hoping that pissing in the river will make it better. Even his loyal, neocon dittoheads are nearly at their wits end trying to stretch those dusty talking points to defend their man.
You think he would have gotten the message when everyone figured out there were no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, but no, he had to stay the course. You think he would have gotten the message when allied nations began pulling troops out like a fat kid reaching into a jar of Skittles, but no, he had to stay the course. Finally, you think he would have gotten the message when the entire country voted to turn power over to the opposing party based on the failure of this war, but no, he is still staying the course.
Herein lays the question: is our President a complete fucking moron, or does he just not give a rat’s ass about what the American people think? If he’s a wailing idiot his behavior has a small chance of being forgiven…someday…in the distant future…long after we’re dead. However, if he just doesn’t give a damn about what the American people, and other branches of government, and the top military generals, and most of the other countries in the world, think, then he is guilty of treason.
He is a public official whose duty it is to serve the will of the people, and the people have made it clear that they are not in favor of dumping any more money and lives into this worthless cause. Anderson Cooper pointed out that the amount of money spent on the Iraq War could have funded 700 new elementary schools in every state (staff and all), or could give every American driver free gas for one year.
It makes me sick to look around at the sorry state of this country’s infrastructure, and realize that we didn’t have the money to help those folks in New Orleans, but we managed to give every Halliburton shareholder a record 2006.
Sadly, Resident Bush’s speech and asinine proposal wasn’t the only fuck up of the week. He greenlighted drilling for oil in Alaska despite long-standing protests from environmental groups, government officials, scientists, and other critics, both in and out of the Republican Party.
At this point I’m wondering if this whole Iraq War is really about spreading democracy, or like the Alaska oil drilling, was it just a great big scheme to make a few people very rich. Most Iraqis say that their lives are far worse now than they were under Saddam, and with the pending civil war, they aren’t very optimistic about the future. In the States, we are now left with debt that our great grandkids will struggle to pay off, and have become every terrorist’s favorite target.
From now on, no more “stay the course” or new plans, and I don’t want to hear another word about how we need to “win”. Nobody is going to win, except for those war profiteers. Bush (most likely under gunpoint) admitted he made mistakes, yet he still doesn’t feel the need to do anything different than before. As a parent, I see this all the time with my toddler, where she says “sorry” and doesn’t mean it, so to the American people I say; it’s time to start treating our President like the toddler that he is, and take away his power. If we can impeach Clinton for a blowjob, then we can surely impeach Bush for starting and continuing to fund an illegal war on taxpayer dollars.
I never trusted this Iraq thing from the beginning, and no, I’m not one of those people who are saying that now, because the war is unpopular. When Bush & Company stole the election in 2000, my first response was that Saddam Hussein better find himself a villa in the middle of nowhere, because it was only a matter of time before Sonny Boy would seek to beat Daddy’s legacy.
Here we are, four years later, fighting this so-called War on Terror, and giving our fundamentalist enemies in the Middle East more propaganda fodder than they could have ever wished for. This war has been a strategic, financial, moral and philosophical disaster, but our genius at the top keeps hoping that pissing in the river will make it better. Even his loyal, neocon dittoheads are nearly at their wits end trying to stretch those dusty talking points to defend their man.
You think he would have gotten the message when everyone figured out there were no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, but no, he had to stay the course. You think he would have gotten the message when allied nations began pulling troops out like a fat kid reaching into a jar of Skittles, but no, he had to stay the course. Finally, you think he would have gotten the message when the entire country voted to turn power over to the opposing party based on the failure of this war, but no, he is still staying the course.
Herein lays the question: is our President a complete fucking moron, or does he just not give a rat’s ass about what the American people think? If he’s a wailing idiot his behavior has a small chance of being forgiven…someday…in the distant future…long after we’re dead. However, if he just doesn’t give a damn about what the American people, and other branches of government, and the top military generals, and most of the other countries in the world, think, then he is guilty of treason.
He is a public official whose duty it is to serve the will of the people, and the people have made it clear that they are not in favor of dumping any more money and lives into this worthless cause. Anderson Cooper pointed out that the amount of money spent on the Iraq War could have funded 700 new elementary schools in every state (staff and all), or could give every American driver free gas for one year.
It makes me sick to look around at the sorry state of this country’s infrastructure, and realize that we didn’t have the money to help those folks in New Orleans, but we managed to give every Halliburton shareholder a record 2006.
Sadly, Resident Bush’s speech and asinine proposal wasn’t the only fuck up of the week. He greenlighted drilling for oil in Alaska despite long-standing protests from environmental groups, government officials, scientists, and other critics, both in and out of the Republican Party.
At this point I’m wondering if this whole Iraq War is really about spreading democracy, or like the Alaska oil drilling, was it just a great big scheme to make a few people very rich. Most Iraqis say that their lives are far worse now than they were under Saddam, and with the pending civil war, they aren’t very optimistic about the future. In the States, we are now left with debt that our great grandkids will struggle to pay off, and have become every terrorist’s favorite target.
From now on, no more “stay the course” or new plans, and I don’t want to hear another word about how we need to “win”. Nobody is going to win, except for those war profiteers. Bush (most likely under gunpoint) admitted he made mistakes, yet he still doesn’t feel the need to do anything different than before. As a parent, I see this all the time with my toddler, where she says “sorry” and doesn’t mean it, so to the American people I say; it’s time to start treating our President like the toddler that he is, and take away his power. If we can impeach Clinton for a blowjob, then we can surely impeach Bush for starting and continuing to fund an illegal war on taxpayer dollars.
Friday, January 05, 2007
Weekly Recap 12/31-1/6: Crybaby Control Freaks & CNN Incompetence
Headline News Recap
The new Congress went into session this week with Democrats taking the helm for the first time in 12 years. In typical and predictable form, the Republicans turned into a bunch of crybaby pussies claiming that the Dems would go on several witch hunts, begin spending money like it was going out of style, and would completely cut the opposing party out of the political process. Basically, the Republicans were worried the Dems would act just like they have for the past 12 years. A word of warning to the paranoid GOP; time to get your jammies on, because you’re about to lie in the bed you made.
What a shock, Saddam Hussein’s execution video was splashed all over the internet this week. A government report claims that Iraqi forces have arrested one of the witnesses claiming that he took the video illegally with a camera phone. I might have believed our government for two seconds if I hadn’t seen two versions of the execution; one from the shitty camera phone, and another that was very crisp, clear, and taken from an entirely different angle. Nice try Bush & Co., but you so wanted this to come out.
Screw the war against Christmas! New York and California, along with Starbucks, have begun an all out war against trans-fat. The two states and gigantic coffee corporation have banned trans-fat from their restaurants and food products claiming that they want to help in the fight against obesity. Yeah right, they just don’t want to have to be stuck paying high medical premiums when everyone’s heart explodes from eating all those pumpkin muffins, deli sandwiches, and blooming onion pedals.
The first Muslim representative was sworn into Congress by placing his hand on a copy of the Koran once owned by Thomas Jefferson. Conservatives were still up in arms claiming that Rep. Keith Ellison should have been sworn in on a copy of the Holy Bible. To those idiot critics I say, why not a copy of Bill Maher’s New Rules; it is a much better read and would be as meaningful to Rep. Ellison as a copy of the Holy Bible.
CNN got into a bit of hot water when they ran a story that confused Democratic Senator Barack Obama with Murdering Terrorist Osama bin Laden. The network apologized for the mix up, but has yet to apologize for calling themselves a legitimate news network. Freudian slip, my ass!
Renegade capitalism reared its ugly head this week as former Home Depot CEO, Robert Nardelli, got to bail out of his contract two years early with a $210 million golden parachute. This guy screwed his company big time cutting Home Depot’s customer service, while their main competitor Lowe’s profits went up by 181%, and he dances away with millions. Hey Speaker Pelosi, turn Barney Frank loose on this ASAP!
Microsoft God Bill Gates says robots will become part of our daily lives in the near future. Good, maybe I can get one that will actually know why half of my graphics software programs aren’t compatible with Windows 2000.
In Local News
After ten days of sunny Southern California, my family and I got to come back to the Puget Sound, where it is dark, rainy, and 45 degrees. Seattle’s a unique place, but the weather sucks end of story.
Compounding the bad weather blues was the rusted out shitbox of a car that belongs to my neighbor next door, and has been sitting out in front of my house for over six months. Apparently their loser son who is in his mid-20s can’t afford rent, but he has enough scratch for several “project” cars. I’m no psychic, but I just have a feeling that something bad might happen to one of his “projects” in the near future.
Worthless Entertainment News
Demi Moore made the news this week claiming that she and husband, Ashton Kutcher, who is 16 years her junior, are compatible, because Ashton is “really an old soul.” Look, Demi, if you want to bang the paperboy that’s fine with me, but please don’t bore us with justification. He’s young, he’s cute, he can go all night, he might not know what he’s doing, but hey, he’s got stamina. We get it, Honey.
Donald Trump and Rosie O’Donnell have begun waging a war of words with Rosie making fun of The Donald’s hair and Trump pointing out Rosie’s plus-sized figure. The question now is; could this be anymore of a non-story?
Brittney Spears announced on her website that fans should get ready, because she plans on making a big comeback this year. Sorry, Brit-Brit, but you can’t sing, you can barely dance, and other than your trailer trash tabloid personal life, you really don’t have much going for you, but if by comeback, you mean posing for Playboy, then I guess it’s your year.
Quote of the Week
“Actually, that would clean the streets out. It might not be bad.” – CNN Commentator Glenn Beck commenting on how a hurricane on the scale of Katrina hitting New York City might be a positive thing.
This guy is such a fucking blowhard moron it makes me want to cry. If I thought CNN had lost its credibility before, once I saw five minutes of Glenn Beck’s show, I knew the once honorable news channel had completely sold out. I guess the only real way Americans can get honest news is through the internet, because network news is filled with more jokes than most of the new sitcoms.
The new Congress went into session this week with Democrats taking the helm for the first time in 12 years. In typical and predictable form, the Republicans turned into a bunch of crybaby pussies claiming that the Dems would go on several witch hunts, begin spending money like it was going out of style, and would completely cut the opposing party out of the political process. Basically, the Republicans were worried the Dems would act just like they have for the past 12 years. A word of warning to the paranoid GOP; time to get your jammies on, because you’re about to lie in the bed you made.
What a shock, Saddam Hussein’s execution video was splashed all over the internet this week. A government report claims that Iraqi forces have arrested one of the witnesses claiming that he took the video illegally with a camera phone. I might have believed our government for two seconds if I hadn’t seen two versions of the execution; one from the shitty camera phone, and another that was very crisp, clear, and taken from an entirely different angle. Nice try Bush & Co., but you so wanted this to come out.
Screw the war against Christmas! New York and California, along with Starbucks, have begun an all out war against trans-fat. The two states and gigantic coffee corporation have banned trans-fat from their restaurants and food products claiming that they want to help in the fight against obesity. Yeah right, they just don’t want to have to be stuck paying high medical premiums when everyone’s heart explodes from eating all those pumpkin muffins, deli sandwiches, and blooming onion pedals.
The first Muslim representative was sworn into Congress by placing his hand on a copy of the Koran once owned by Thomas Jefferson. Conservatives were still up in arms claiming that Rep. Keith Ellison should have been sworn in on a copy of the Holy Bible. To those idiot critics I say, why not a copy of Bill Maher’s New Rules; it is a much better read and would be as meaningful to Rep. Ellison as a copy of the Holy Bible.
CNN got into a bit of hot water when they ran a story that confused Democratic Senator Barack Obama with Murdering Terrorist Osama bin Laden. The network apologized for the mix up, but has yet to apologize for calling themselves a legitimate news network. Freudian slip, my ass!
Renegade capitalism reared its ugly head this week as former Home Depot CEO, Robert Nardelli, got to bail out of his contract two years early with a $210 million golden parachute. This guy screwed his company big time cutting Home Depot’s customer service, while their main competitor Lowe’s profits went up by 181%, and he dances away with millions. Hey Speaker Pelosi, turn Barney Frank loose on this ASAP!
Microsoft God Bill Gates says robots will become part of our daily lives in the near future. Good, maybe I can get one that will actually know why half of my graphics software programs aren’t compatible with Windows 2000.
In Local News
After ten days of sunny Southern California, my family and I got to come back to the Puget Sound, where it is dark, rainy, and 45 degrees. Seattle’s a unique place, but the weather sucks end of story.
Compounding the bad weather blues was the rusted out shitbox of a car that belongs to my neighbor next door, and has been sitting out in front of my house for over six months. Apparently their loser son who is in his mid-20s can’t afford rent, but he has enough scratch for several “project” cars. I’m no psychic, but I just have a feeling that something bad might happen to one of his “projects” in the near future.
Worthless Entertainment News
Demi Moore made the news this week claiming that she and husband, Ashton Kutcher, who is 16 years her junior, are compatible, because Ashton is “really an old soul.” Look, Demi, if you want to bang the paperboy that’s fine with me, but please don’t bore us with justification. He’s young, he’s cute, he can go all night, he might not know what he’s doing, but hey, he’s got stamina. We get it, Honey.
Donald Trump and Rosie O’Donnell have begun waging a war of words with Rosie making fun of The Donald’s hair and Trump pointing out Rosie’s plus-sized figure. The question now is; could this be anymore of a non-story?
Brittney Spears announced on her website that fans should get ready, because she plans on making a big comeback this year. Sorry, Brit-Brit, but you can’t sing, you can barely dance, and other than your trailer trash tabloid personal life, you really don’t have much going for you, but if by comeback, you mean posing for Playboy, then I guess it’s your year.
Quote of the Week
“Actually, that would clean the streets out. It might not be bad.” – CNN Commentator Glenn Beck commenting on how a hurricane on the scale of Katrina hitting New York City might be a positive thing.
This guy is such a fucking blowhard moron it makes me want to cry. If I thought CNN had lost its credibility before, once I saw five minutes of Glenn Beck’s show, I knew the once honorable news channel had completely sold out. I guess the only real way Americans can get honest news is through the internet, because network news is filled with more jokes than most of the new sitcoms.
Monday, January 01, 2007
Movin' On
For someone who doesn’t celebrate Christmas, I tend to have the most interesting Christmas days of anyone I know. Last year, I was in Podunk, Tennessee trying in vain to avoid fried foods and not starve to death. This year I found myself in the passenger’s seat of a U-Haul making a swift getaway at 5:30 AM.
We went to Southern California for the last half of Hanukkah, which we do every year. We arrived on a Thursday night, had the family party on a Friday night, and on Saturday the family met at a pizza place where my brother-in-law announced to his parents, his sister and brother-in-law, and my husband and I that after six years of a torturous marriage, he was finally leaving his wife. The moment the words came out of his mouth, I finally knew the definition of shock and awe, because we never thought he would actually do it.
Jeff’s brother married the most selfish woman one could never hope to meet. She is temperamental, lazy, bi-polar, and has a severe shopping addiction spending thousands of dollars on designer label clothing, while not giving a damn about the fact that someone else is going to have to pay the bill. From the day they were married, she was the family shit-disturber (and not in a good way). She took advantage of various family members, worked at alienating others, and managed to piss everyone off at least once (which is significant given the size of Jeff’s family). My husband had her pegged as a bad egg from the first time he met her, and once she figured out that he didn’t like her, she did her best to trash Jeff and his brother’s relationship. Basically, she had it coming.
Now most reasonable people would be able to speak their peace, pack their clothes, and leave without issue, but given this woman’s history of erratic spurts of violence and her untreated bi-polar condition, Jeff’s brother wasn’t taking anything for granted. He first attempted to enlist Jeff’s help, but due to Jeff’s “ferret on crack” personality, his aversion to listening, and his tendency to interrupt, I stepped in to coordinate. Since this is what I do for a living, and I can work well under extreme pressure and deadlines, I was a natural fit.
On Christmas Eve, we rented a U-Haul, bought some empty boxes, and connected with a few of Jeff’s brother’s friends and a very happy uncle. Jeff and I would stay at a hotel on Christmas night, and when his brother’s wife left to take her mother to the airport at around 4:15 AM, we would pull up with the U-Haul and get him moved.
The only really, really awkward hurdle came on Christmas Day when we all had to go to a party at their house. There we were eating brunch and wearing poker faces feeling super weird about the whole experience. I found myself helping in the kitchen while casing the joint at the same time. Lest you think I’m one cold-hearted bitch, the last few days leading up to my wedding, I had everything under control, and my biggest worry was wondering what kind of shit she would try to pull.
We proceeded with the plan, arriving at the hotel with the U-Haul, and not getting much sleep. At 4:00 AM, we headed out to a grocery store parking lot were the entire moving party was waiting for the call. Finally, Jeff sent his uncle and the rest of the guys over to his brother’s street in stakeout style to wait for the wife to leave. She left late, but we sprung into action clearing his home office, a few pieces of furniture he inherited from his grandmother, some DVDs, and his clothing. What a workout!
In just slightly over an hour, we loaded a 10’ truck with 25 boxes of stuff, and headed out to grab some eggs before putting all the stuff in storage. The first few phone messages were sweet. She wasn’t mad, and wanted to talk, but it took less than two hours before she made the Wicked Witch of the West look like a kindly school librarian.
After two hours loading the storage unit, we all went back to my mother-in-law’s house, took showers, got dressed, re-vamped our energy a little, and ended our Christmas Day/Day After Christmas adventure in the most Jewish way possible; taking several laps around the buffet at a Chinese restaurant. All I can do at this point is support my dear brother-in-law through what is sure to be a vicious divorce, and wonder what next Christmas will be like.
We went to Southern California for the last half of Hanukkah, which we do every year. We arrived on a Thursday night, had the family party on a Friday night, and on Saturday the family met at a pizza place where my brother-in-law announced to his parents, his sister and brother-in-law, and my husband and I that after six years of a torturous marriage, he was finally leaving his wife. The moment the words came out of his mouth, I finally knew the definition of shock and awe, because we never thought he would actually do it.
Jeff’s brother married the most selfish woman one could never hope to meet. She is temperamental, lazy, bi-polar, and has a severe shopping addiction spending thousands of dollars on designer label clothing, while not giving a damn about the fact that someone else is going to have to pay the bill. From the day they were married, she was the family shit-disturber (and not in a good way). She took advantage of various family members, worked at alienating others, and managed to piss everyone off at least once (which is significant given the size of Jeff’s family). My husband had her pegged as a bad egg from the first time he met her, and once she figured out that he didn’t like her, she did her best to trash Jeff and his brother’s relationship. Basically, she had it coming.
Now most reasonable people would be able to speak their peace, pack their clothes, and leave without issue, but given this woman’s history of erratic spurts of violence and her untreated bi-polar condition, Jeff’s brother wasn’t taking anything for granted. He first attempted to enlist Jeff’s help, but due to Jeff’s “ferret on crack” personality, his aversion to listening, and his tendency to interrupt, I stepped in to coordinate. Since this is what I do for a living, and I can work well under extreme pressure and deadlines, I was a natural fit.
On Christmas Eve, we rented a U-Haul, bought some empty boxes, and connected with a few of Jeff’s brother’s friends and a very happy uncle. Jeff and I would stay at a hotel on Christmas night, and when his brother’s wife left to take her mother to the airport at around 4:15 AM, we would pull up with the U-Haul and get him moved.
The only really, really awkward hurdle came on Christmas Day when we all had to go to a party at their house. There we were eating brunch and wearing poker faces feeling super weird about the whole experience. I found myself helping in the kitchen while casing the joint at the same time. Lest you think I’m one cold-hearted bitch, the last few days leading up to my wedding, I had everything under control, and my biggest worry was wondering what kind of shit she would try to pull.
We proceeded with the plan, arriving at the hotel with the U-Haul, and not getting much sleep. At 4:00 AM, we headed out to a grocery store parking lot were the entire moving party was waiting for the call. Finally, Jeff sent his uncle and the rest of the guys over to his brother’s street in stakeout style to wait for the wife to leave. She left late, but we sprung into action clearing his home office, a few pieces of furniture he inherited from his grandmother, some DVDs, and his clothing. What a workout!
In just slightly over an hour, we loaded a 10’ truck with 25 boxes of stuff, and headed out to grab some eggs before putting all the stuff in storage. The first few phone messages were sweet. She wasn’t mad, and wanted to talk, but it took less than two hours before she made the Wicked Witch of the West look like a kindly school librarian.
After two hours loading the storage unit, we all went back to my mother-in-law’s house, took showers, got dressed, re-vamped our energy a little, and ended our Christmas Day/Day After Christmas adventure in the most Jewish way possible; taking several laps around the buffet at a Chinese restaurant. All I can do at this point is support my dear brother-in-law through what is sure to be a vicious divorce, and wonder what next Christmas will be like.
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